Am I really being unreasonable? The way my husband acts when DSC come

[IChangedMyNameToCheerio]

This is really starting to upset me. I was hoping it would get better as our DS started to get a bit older but it isn't.

Two DSC 9 and 13 and one DS together who is 2. My step children are lovely this is nothing at all to do with them personally but I'm starting to hate when they stay because of how my husband completely changes. I feel like I have a different marriage when they are here compared to when they aren't. They currently live here 50% of the time 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

Anyway, when they come it is like a VIP is coming. My husband goes all out, always going on about wanting to make it fun, "what can we do with the kids this week/weekend that's fun", running around after them, always disappearing up to their room to watch them play Xbox and things. Which is fine in itself but it's like our son barely exists when they are here. Everything is about them, even when they aren't here he won't come with us to things because it's almost not worth it unless DSC are there. I take DS places with my friends instead, he has NEVER gone out for the day just with us.

Christmas day is what has really upset me recently. It was DSC year to be with us which we were all looking forward to.

On the morning DH literally didn't pay 5 minutes of attention to DS. The morning for him was entirely focused on DSC and opening their presents, fussing over what they got. Me and DS just sat together and opened his presents. His dad literally didn't make a single fuss over him or help him with one present. I felt so upset, he kept toddling over to his Dad who was very obviously not interested.

I tried to fuss over both DS and DSC and looked at what the got, oohed and ahhed ect... But DH didn't bother at all. It was like we were in two separate houses.

I just feel so bad for DS who's still small but will (and already is sometimes) starting to notice and ask for Daddy. As he gets older surely this will be horrible for him if it doesn't change?

I do understand he has Daddy here all week but it's not like DH makes anywhere near the same fuss over him. He's a good Dad in that he will do the normal stuff but the way he fusses over and makes so much effort to do things for DSC just is not the same for DS regardless as to whether they are here or not. It's like he takes DS being here for granted but DSC need some massive show all the time.

It's making me resentful and really hurt for my son.

He's a shit dad.

Your poor son.

He will be noticing more and more that his father has zero interest in him.

Don't have more children with this waster.

I think that in order to move on from seemingly intractable problems, there often needs to be a seismic change in the way things are done, or you never get out of the rut.

Similar to the suggestion of leaving your dh with all 3 children, have you ever thought about suggesting that you take the dsc out somewhere - maybe out for tea, or a film - that might not appeal to your 2 year old, and suggest your dh takes him to the park or plays a game with him?

Try mixing things up fairly radically. Sometimes it’s the only way to effect a change in behaviour!

I would sit him down when none of the children are there/awake and ask him two questions:

1. What kind of relationship do you want with our toddler?
2. Would you be happy if your children's stepfather treated them the way you treat your little boy ie ignoring them, not including them etc?

He's on a fast track to another divorce and he needs to be told that. If that doesn't shake some sense into him then I'd get my ducks in a row. I wouldn't live with someone who ignored my child and didn't want what was best for him.

I don't think it is over the top if it continues and doesn't change. I don't want to do that obviously but if he won't listen to me or take on board anything I say, why should my son grow up feeling like he's not as important to his Dad? I'd rather remove him then have him feel like that.

I agree too that it’s not over the top.
Why should your son have to go through his childhood being treated like that by his own father? It’s not his fault he was born second.

Turn it the other way. If you ignored your dscs, didn’t interact with them because you wanted your ds to feel really important and just wanted to do fun stuff when dscs aren’t there. Would it be over the top if someone said your husband should leave you in order to protect the dscs?
So why is it over the top for someone to suggest you leaving your husband to protect your ds?

Did this man want another child? Have the SC noticed that their brother is ignored? This sounds an atrocious dynamic.
OP you will have to act before your son gets older, either by making dad realise the impact of what he is doing ( good luck as he sounds like a gaslighter) or by letting him become the Disney dad that the other kids have.

I think he sounds dreadful, not a good healthy relationship either with the kids or you. How dare he accuse you of having an issue with the SC?? He knows exactly what he is doing. Sorry to say I would not be willing to stay.

It would force him to
1- parent his own child and take notice of him

If he can neglect his youngest child right in front of her mother, he can neglect him even easier when she's not around.

I wouldn't assume the sink or swim approach would work. You could just as easily come home to a child who hasn't been fed well or changed or got put down for a five hour nap so he could play video games uninterrupted.

I'd make sure he can take proper care of him supervised before withdrawing the supervision.

It's guilt. It's kicked in once you had your DS because he now feels incredibly guilty that DS has two parents at home, and his other children have parents who live apart.

You need to have a serious conversation with him about his emotions on this and the impact of his behaviour on all of you.

@GatoradeMeBitch

It would force him to 1- parent his own child and take notice of him

If he can neglect his youngest child right in front of her mother, he can neglect him even easier when she's not around.

I wouldn't assume the sink or swim approach would work. You could just as easily come home to a child who hasn't been fed well or changed or got put down for a five hour nap so he could play video games uninterrupted.

I'd make sure he can take proper care of him supervised before withdrawing the supervision.

Agree with this. I really wouldn't take the chance.

A couple of posters have asked you if your husband wanted another child? It could be relevant to consider this as it may not be just guilt at the splitting of his first family.

Was your son's conception planned?

Parenting a 2 year old is very, very different to parenting older children. Their needs are completely different and it's unrealistic to expect older children to enjoy toddler activities. However, visiting an aquarium can be a catch all activity for all ages so could work for a family outing. Something like toddler sing along groups obviously wouldn't. Do you take your son to any toddler groups or does he only do activities where the step children are also involved?

Your husband has done the toddler stage twice before, how did he find it with the two step children? Personally, I found the baby and toddler stage a hard slog with parenting becoming increasingly enjoyable from school age up to high school (when it becomes a nightmare again).

As for all the posters telling you to leave. Yes, that may be the answer, but you should consider that you will be replacing one set of problems with another so should weigh up the impact of this action on both yourself and your son. Stepping away completely when your husband has custody will also affect your son's childhood, as will potential new partners as step parents to him.

Other posters have recommended counselling so this may be the way forward if you cannot have a discussion between just the two of you.

2is such a joyous age, it's when they start noticing things, when they start expressing themselves in ways you'd never imagine a young child to.
He's missing out on so much by ignoring your Ds.
I wonder if he left his dw at the time to do all child related things with his older 2 which could have been the reason for their divorce.

@AllyBama and @GatoradeMeBitch are spot on with their posts.

Trying to force his hand won't work; he simply isn't interested in your son.

I suspect he's trying to prove to ex-wife how great he is and what she has lost. What a cruel and divisive twat, making your son the collateral damage in the ego war with his ex. It seems like the step-children are trying to compensate for their father's shitty behaviour. Only you can make your son feel cherished and unconditionally loved. You have to decide the best environment for that.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

A couple of posters have asked you if your husband wanted another child? It could be relevant to consider this as it may not be just guilt at the splitting of his first family.

Was your son's conception planned?

Parenting a 2 year old is very, very different to parenting older children. Their needs are completely different and it's unrealistic to expect older children to enjoy toddler activities. However, visiting an aquarium can be a catch all activity for all ages so could work for a family outing. Something like toddler sing along groups obviously wouldn't. Do you take your son to any toddler groups or does he only do activities where the step children are also involved?

Your husband has done the toddler stage twice before, how did he find it with the two step children? Personally, I found the baby and toddler stage a hard slog with parenting becoming increasingly enjoyable from school age up to high school (when it becomes a nightmare again).

As for all the posters telling you to leave. Yes, that may be the answer, but you should consider that you will be replacing one set of problems with another so should weigh up the impact of this action on both yourself and your son. Stepping away completely when your husband has custody will also affect your son's childhood, as will potential new partners as step parents to him.

Other posters have recommended counselling so this may be the way forward if you cannot have a discussion between just the two of you.

There's no excuse for treating a 2 year old child like this. None. It doesn't matter if he was planned. It doesn't matter if you find the age a slog. It doesn't matter if he's done it twice before.

Ignoring your two year old on Christmas morning and everything else is fucking despicable and no "reason" makes it justifiable.

@Lovelymincepies

He sounds awful. I’d be leaving.

I take it you generally struggle with relationsships, given the unhelpful comment.

It’s not unhelpful at all, and OP has said why.

@GrapeOfThunder who's making excuses? I was asking the OP if there was a pattern of behaviour not "making excuses".

If there is a pattern of behaviour then that may shed some light on the husband's actions to his third child.

Whether the third child was planned may also be enlightening. If this was a planned and much longed for pregnancy then uncovering that pattern of behaviour with his previous experience of raising toddlers could answer a lot of questions with regards to his actions now.

If this was an unplanned pregnancy and he was in fact a very involved parent to his first two children then perhaps there are bigger problems here than him being a Disney Dad.

You definitely need to sit him down and tell him to listen, not speak until you have finished.
If he won't do that, write it out for him.

Of course with age differences you can't treat them 100% the same, but at the moment there is a huge disparity.

He will end up making you and ds RESENT the dsc. not because of anything they have done, but because of how he is with them. And none of that will be their fault, or yours, or Ds's, but it will be inevitable.

So he needs to take a step back and realise the damage he is doing before it is too late.