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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It’s rude to ask why no present was bought?

133 replies

CescaCesca · 27/12/2021 23:30

My DF has texted me and my sibling asking why his partner didn’t receive a Christmas present. I genuinely don’t know how to reply because we do not have a very close relationship and unfortunately I didn’t even really think about it this year! We have never consistently bought for her (although always him). They have been together for 10+ yrs, and before I had kids I have occasionally bought something little for her, like a gift set.
I have a rocky relationship with my DF, there have been a few big tense conversations in the last couple of years and honestly he’s just a bit of a crap dad in general. He doesn’t make much of an effort to see or ask about my kids and as a family they are always doing things with her side of the family (holidays and meals out etc.) and don’t include us.
If we do ever go round to their house there is no trace of me or my sibling, but plenty of photos on the walls of her grown up children and their kids (so her grandchildren).
They did buy presents for my kids, me and DH so I do feel guilty now for not even thinking about it!

But aside from that even if I was upset I would never in a million yrs message someone and ask them why they didn’t buy a present!

OP posts:

ssd · 27/12/2021 23:34

Tell him because you mean so little to them in general you forgot about her.
Fuck it, just be honest.

Smarshian · 27/12/2021 23:34

I can’t imagine a situation where I didn’t even think to buy a gift for my DFs partner of 10+ years. I think if I were her I would take it as a huge insult (unless you had pre agreed not to).
I think I would think it sensible to ask if there were a reason as I would want to know what I had done to cause you to exclude me.

WheelOnTheBus · 27/12/2021 23:35

Who even asks that question? If you don’t get a gift but think you should, seethe quietly and don’t get the culprit anything the following year. Don’t stamp your feet about it like a five year old.

YANBU

clpsmum · 27/12/2021 23:36

I think it's awful tbh. They've been together 10+ years and you didn't even think to buy her anything, how awful. I'd be really upset and offended if I were her. You either buy for both or neither imo. It's on your dad to display photos etc if you not get

clpsmum · 27/12/2021 23:37

** her

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 23:38

It's shitty of you not to get her anything and it's clearly upset one of them or he wouldn't ask.

Just be honest if you must but being a shit father isn't a justifiable reason to leave her out, as presumably you bought him a gift?

And them not having photos of you on the wall is a daft reason to be upset if you're a grown adult.

starstarstarlight · 27/12/2021 23:39

If they have consistently bought you and your DH And DCs gifts every year I would think it polite to buy both a gift back.

RandomMess · 27/12/2021 23:39

I suspect she buys your gifts rather than your DF!!

yummumto3girls · 27/12/2021 23:39

If he has been with her for that long, and they bought you all presents, then it was rude not to buy her something, unless there is a specific reason? Maybe he has had enough of you and your sibling excluding her!

wtfisthatspiderdoing · 27/12/2021 23:39

You say they bought you, your DH and your DC... do they always buy for DH? If so then it is pretty crap you didn't think to get his partner anything, regardless of what your day to day relationship is like, they've been together over a decade, and whatever the relationship state, every Christmas gifts are bought.

Loveinacoldishclimate · 27/12/2021 23:39

It depends a bit on the relationship you want with your family. If he’s saying he felt you excluded his wife he obviously cares about how you both as people important to him and want you to get along . You noticing who is on the walls suggests you do too. If you want to improve your relationship tell him you over looked it, you’re sorry and embarrassed and suggest doing something nice in the new year.

Or you could miss the point and listen to all the people who are going to tell you he’s unreasonable and it’s rude. But I don’t know how helpful that is in the long run. Sorry to be blunt.

ANameChangeAgain · 27/12/2021 23:40

You said they buy for you and the children, but you just buy for your dad, not the two of them, which is a bit bad form. You don't give to receive, but they are buying at least 4 gifts to get one back. Pulling you up on it is just strange though, if I were them I would have just not bothered buying for you and your dh.

Kite22 · 27/12/2021 23:40

I'm inclined to agree with Smarshian , even more so if you have bought things previously.

There was a thread on here a couple of days ago where the OP's FiL had dropped round presents for the dh and dc but not the OP, and everyone advised them to ask what she had done to now be left out .

Don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with adults agreeing not to exchange presents, but to just stops, without having that conversation is odd, so it isn't unreasonable to ask if something had happened.

LittleRoundRobin · 27/12/2021 23:41

Have to agree with other posters on here @CescaCesca to buy for your dad and not his partner of 10 years is out of order IMO. You say you have a poor relationship with your father, and he is a 'crap dad' and yet you still buy him Christmas gifts, but not his long term partner of 10 years. No wonder he is pissed off. It's very hurtful behaviour

Original poster

CescaCesca · 27/12/2021 23:46

@girlmom21

It's shitty of you not to get her anything and it's clearly upset one of them or he wouldn't ask.

Just be honest if you must but being a shit father isn't a justifiable reason to leave her out, as presumably you bought him a gift?

And them not having photos of you on the wall is a daft reason to be upset if you're a grown adult.

I haven’t ever consistently bought her a specific gift and as I said it wasn’t that I purposely aimed to leave her out I just honestly didn’t think. Which fair enough might be shitty. It’s the first proper Christmas where my children are old enough to understand the magic so I think I was just very focused on them alone.

Haha well I included the photo point to demonstrate how they exclude us a lot in general.

OP posts:

wetwiped · 27/12/2021 23:46

suspect she buys your gifts rather than your DF!!

Agree with this.

I'm a step mum to an adult dss, 20+ years and buy his family gifts each year. If he bought for my DH and gave no thought to me, I'd be really hurt.

littleowls83 · 27/12/2021 23:48

Are you trying to keep a good relationship with your Dad or are you not bothered either way? I have a poor relationship with my Dad, wouldn't be much bothered if he was upset with me. He has no clue about being a parent as he never bothered with it, so I don't feel much obligation towards him.

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 23:48

@CescaCesca tell your dad you just didn't think then, but you're basically telling them both that after 10+ years she's still not part of the family.

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 23:49

Did you hand deliver his present or post it? If you genuinely just didn't think and would have chosen to get her something if you'd properly considered it, and you posted his, it can still be sorted.

Ellmau · 27/12/2021 23:49

I think it is a bit rude to ask why, but it was also rude of you not to buy one.,

runwithme · 27/12/2021 23:50

It's your dad's responsibility to put photos up of your kids, not hers. And not getting her a token present, that's very rude.

Dillidalli · 27/12/2021 23:51

It’s really quite awful of you and she must be feeling very hurt. Crap excuse you’ve given too. What you did is far worse than him asking why there wasn’t a gift.

Freakon · 27/12/2021 23:51

I think there is more to this. You didn’t buy her anything because you don’t like her. Why not just admit it. Now your DF is upset that his partner who he loves is hurt by your actions or lack of. Why wouldn’t she feel snubbed and excluded. It’s very mean. He’s asking because he can’t understand why you wouldn’t just get her something - he wants to know what the issue is. Basically you’ve been caught out being unkind to her in a passive aggressive way and you don’t like it. You said yourself a couple of things that bug you like them spending time with her family etc. Well that’s what happens generally. It’s always the wife’s family who are most included. Do you and DH spend as much time with his family as you do your mother and her family? You know that just because he loves his wife who isn’t your mum doesn’t make him a shitty Dad right? I’d love to know what he’s done to make him so crap but you clearly feel jealous of his spouse.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/12/2021 23:54

It is what it is…

But honestly I think you could as least buy them a “joint” present.
I also agree with others and think she probably organised all your gifts

Lalliella · 27/12/2021 23:55

YABU. You should’ve bought her a gift, it was rude and thoughtless of you not to.

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