It’s rude to ask why no present was bought?

[CescaCesca]

My DF has texted me and my sibling asking why his partner didn’t receive a Christmas present. I genuinely don’t know how to reply because we do not have a very close relationship and unfortunately I didn’t even really think about it this year! We have never consistently bought for her (although always him). They have been together for 10+ yrs, and before I had kids I have occasionally bought something little for her, like a gift set.
I have a rocky relationship with my DF, there have been a few big tense conversations in the last couple of years and honestly he’s just a bit of a crap dad in general. He doesn’t make much of an effort to see or ask about my kids and as a family they are always doing things with her side of the family (holidays and meals out etc.) and don’t include us.
If we do ever go round to their house there is no trace of me or my sibling, but plenty of photos on the walls of her grown up children and their kids (so her grandchildren).
They did buy presents for my kids, me and DH so I do feel guilty now for not even thinking about it!

But aside from that even if I was upset I would never in a million yrs message someone and ask them why they didn’t buy a present!

You know, your post has reminded me something that happened this morning in the supermarket.

I always go the same place locally and know quite few of the staff. As I was paying I asked the cashier (someone I always have a chat with) how was her Christmas. She delightedly told me she had been a grandma this morning. I asked if it was her first GC, she laughed and said "Heavens, no. It's my seventh". I was a bit surprised because she doesn't look older than late 40s, early 50s and said so. I asked her how many children she had and she said 3. She then told me her eldest just had the 2nd, her middle daugher had 1 and her youngest son had four, two with wife and two stepchildren.

I honestly thought of Mumsnet then. This woman so naturally said she had seven GK that if we hadn't had a chat I would never have known two of them were stepkids.

Most people are kind and inclusive human beings. Your father is simply an arsehole.

@girlmom21

It's shitty of you not to get her anything and it's clearly upset one of them or he wouldn't ask.

Just be honest if you must but being a shit father isn't a justifiable reason to leave her out, as presumably you bought him a gift?

And them not having photos of you on the wall is a daft reason to be upset if you're a grown adult.

Don't be ridiculous, of course it's hurtful if there's photos on the wall of the wife's family but none of the OPs family and their children. It doesn't matter what age you are, that would be upsetting for most people. Your parent is conveying that you and your children are less than.

OP neither of them sound particularly nice. Don't get either of them next year. Job done

It’s definitely rude to ask this. But personally I would have bought them a joint present. It’s what I do for every couple I know except my own parents. That way no one gets offended and it’s easier on my finances.

YANBU OP. There are stepparents of 20+ years in DHs family and we have never acknowledged their birthdays or bought Christmas gifts. I think because they became stepparents when DH and BIL were young adults they have never seen them as part of the family! We never give it a moment’s thought.

@tcjotm

The expectations around presents astound me. My family don’t give or expect presents. If we see something we think someone would love we get it with no pressure and for no particular event.

I always thought we we weird and we are but omg does it appear it saves so much grief.

Sorry, not helpful at all but wanted to offer an alternative as stepping away from the obligation to buy and exchange gifts saves money, time, anxiety, guilt and huge amount of resources (where does it end up?). Of course if everyone did this the economy might collapse 😂😂

MN present giving protocols astound me too. I'm entirely with you on this.

If you genuinely feel there is no effort on her part then get them a joint present in the future - wine, a hamper, the nespresso Christmas collection etc - then she is acknowledged at least and it deals with hurt feelings.

But I agree she is likely the one who has been shopping for you and your children and husband and to her, and it is an attempt to show you that she does, at the very least, care that you are her partner’s daughter. (Even if you don’t have a close relationship personally). And I think it would be nice to reciprocate that effort.

How did you exchange presents with your father this year? Apologies if I missed have that detail. If you went around to their house and collected your gifts from them both and handed over the solitary gift to your father whilst she was there, I think that makes it a magnitude worse than if you saw your dad somewhere on his own prior to Christmas and handed it to him.

I agree with him. If you buy for him you need to buy something for her.

Seems to me like she’s getting the brunt of things that you seem angry about. In terms of photos in the family home, it is your dads home as well, why hasn’t he put photos up? You are being unreasonable to blame her.

When you call him, tell him how hurt you feel that there are no photos of you at his home, that you don't feel included.

You have, at least, a right to say that, given he is saying she is hurt.

I don't agree that you have to buy for her if you buy for him. She is nothing to you, she's only his girlfriend, so why do you have to buy her a present? The times that you have, you've been quite generous, and it seems like she has taken it for granted and expects it every year.

Yes, it seems rather pointed not to give your father's partner a Christmas gift if you are seeing them at Christmastime.

I'd say that I didn't want to make her feel obliged to get us anything. There are several family members I don't get gifts for, for that reason.

I think it's incredibly rude that you didn't buy her a present as they've been together over ten years. They've bought you and your family presents.

I do not think it's rude that your father has contacted you to ask why you didn't buy her one. They are hurt and he is trying to find out what is wrong.

Tell him you mistakenly left hers at home then wrap up framed photo of you and your DC and give her that!

Get her a framed photo of your family

I can’t believe you didn’t when it’s a long term relationship

Well, you didn't actually forget did you? If you remembered to buy a gift for your DF then it's not possible for his partner of 10+ years to just slip your mind, unless there's something wrong with you. You were incredibly rude and obviously hurt her, so you should apologise. Your DF asking you about the lack of gift was also not unreasonable.

Oh come on OP, of course you should have got her something.

Why is it her fault that your dad hasn't bothered to put any of your photo's up?

Get a nice family photo framed and give it to your dad.

Yeah it was a bit rude to ask. Unless he was trying to see if she has upset you? But you were well out of order to not get her anything after 10+ years ffs. Even a little bubble bath gift set or a bottle of wine. So obvious you hate her

And its your shit dad's fault there's no photos up of your family not hers. Give her a break. She's the outsider in your family and you're not exactly making her welcome. Grow up.

I don’t think it’s rude to ask, I think it’s WAY ruder to forget to buy a present for a long term partner of your dad, particularly if you do it some years and not others. I think it’s right your dad raised your awful manners with you by asking the question, I’d be embarrassed if I was you.

The photos on the wall of your father's step children/grandchildren, have they been gifted to them? Do you gift them photos to give them the same opportunity to pop them on the wall?

Regarding the non present for his wife, although I would never outrightly ask, I can see his point, one of them was clearly upset about it and felt the need to ask why. I know you have mentioned, you have done this in the past without him mentioning anything, maybe their feelings were hurt those times too and have chosen this year to mention it.

@SpiderFluff

Yeah it was a bit rude to ask. Unless he was trying to see if she has upset you? But you were well out of order to not get her anything after 10+ years ffs. Even a little bubble bath gift set or a bottle of wine. So obvious you hate her

Given that both his children snubbed his partner, I think he should absolutely have asked about it. Especially as she’d been included in previous years.

This isn’t a casual girlfriend, this is his partner of 10+ years, and both his adult children have ignored her for Christmas? He’d be a pretty rubbish partner if he didn’t ask about that.

@Doomscrolling that's a good point. I'm glad he is standing up for her.

If I were in your position I would just apologise and say it was an oversight because you were so caught up in thinking about making Christmas magical for the children

FWIW I think you are very much in the wrong and should acknowledge it