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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s rude to ask why no present was bought?

133 replies

CescaCesca · 27/12/2021 23:30

My DF has texted me and my sibling asking why his partner didn’t receive a Christmas present. I genuinely don’t know how to reply because we do not have a very close relationship and unfortunately I didn’t even really think about it this year! We have never consistently bought for her (although always him). They have been together for 10+ yrs, and before I had kids I have occasionally bought something little for her, like a gift set.
I have a rocky relationship with my DF, there have been a few big tense conversations in the last couple of years and honestly he’s just a bit of a crap dad in general. He doesn’t make much of an effort to see or ask about my kids and as a family they are always doing things with her side of the family (holidays and meals out etc.) and don’t include us.
If we do ever go round to their house there is no trace of me or my sibling, but plenty of photos on the walls of her grown up children and their kids (so her grandchildren).
They did buy presents for my kids, me and DH so I do feel guilty now for not even thinking about it!

But aside from that even if I was upset I would never in a million yrs message someone and ask them why they didn’t buy a present!

OP posts:
FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 27/12/2021 23:56

Look, you have three options.

  1. you own up to the error, apologise that it slipped your mind and either send something in the post or get some beautiful flowers sent to make up for it.

  2. you text back your rationale "I didn't think about it because I feel generally rejected by you". This clearly won't go well but if you want to be completely honest, go ahead. Just remember that you can't unsay things.

  3. you ignore the message.

I assume she's generally a nice woman and you've clearly hurt her, so I would do option 1. The fact your dad's a bit crappy isn't on her. Maybe she just refuses to pick up his responsibilities (putting your pics on their walls is HIS job, not hers). Put yourself in her shoes.

Aubriella · 27/12/2021 23:56

I can see both sides, really. You feel excluded and replaced by her children and grandchildren and she feels excluded because she probably buys your presents.

Were there pictures of you/your dc in his house before they got together? Did your dad make more effort to see you then? I don’t think it’s her responsibility to put up pictures of his children and grandchildren in their house, it’s his responsibility , and it seems unlikely that she is stopping him.

Use this opportunity to tell him you will send her a present but you would like a chat with him on how excluded you feel from dad’s life.

XiCi · 27/12/2021 23:58

'I just didn't think' is a terrible excuse for not buying your dad's partner a present. It surely would have crossed your mind when you sorted your dad's present that you didn't have one for her. It seems really mean and passive aggressive and I'm not surprised he pulled you up on it.

KarmaStar · 27/12/2021 23:58

Quickly wrap something,say you thought it had been sent but have just found it under back of Christmas tree.nothing expensive but it must be quite hurtful to be excluded after she had made the effort for you.
Your excuses are pretty rubbish.Stop digging.

Dillidalli · 27/12/2021 23:59

@Freakon has hit the nail on the head.

Freakon · 28/12/2021 00:00

I honestly think step parents get a bad deal on here when a lot of adult step children are actually not very nice to their birth parents new partners.

Anordinarymum · 28/12/2021 00:02

Oh dear. What a crass thing to do OP. A small gift would not have hurt you. Something to acknowledge she exists ?
Perhaps the photos of her family are photos she is given?
Why not give some photos of your family to them and perhaps they would display them?
It's things like this that cause rifts which just get bigger and bigger IMHO.

Original poster
CescaCesca · 28/12/2021 00:04

Oh goodness the response on here is intense!!
Ok I can take the point that it was shitty I forgot to buy her a present and there is no excuse for that. Having now read all the responses I can also see they are both hurt so it’s not about being rude by messaging but trying to figure it out and show me I have hurt them - Thankyou all for your perspectives - IABU.

@Freakon you are right of course there is more to this, I tried to keep it brief and the most important parts. But there are of course lots of reasons why I said he is a crap father.
It’s not that I don’t like her, she’s a perfectly nice lady but yeah as a whole we do not have a very close relationship, we only see them a couple times a year and the conversation is very forced. I actually do spend more time with DHs family overall.
And yes… I am aware that just because he loves her and not my mum doesn’t make him shitty etc. My mum is a whole other thread and I don’t blame him for leaving her one bit Blush

OP posts:
Workinghardeveryday · 28/12/2021 00:06

Sorry op, not buying for her would be very hurtful for her... No pics up of you and kids? That’s up to your dad isn’t it?!

Original poster
CescaCesca · 28/12/2021 00:07

@FriendshipsAreHardForMe

Look, you have three options.

  1. you own up to the error, apologise that it slipped your mind and either send something in the post or get some beautiful flowers sent to make up for it.

  2. you text back your rationale "I didn't think about it because I feel generally rejected by you". This clearly won't go well but if you want to be completely honest, go ahead. Just remember that you can't unsay things.

  3. you ignore the message.

I assume she's generally a nice woman and you've clearly hurt her, so I would do option 1. The fact your dad's a bit crappy isn't on her. Maybe she just refuses to pick up his responsibilities (putting your pics on their walls is HIS job, not hers). Put yourself in her shoes.

Thankyou this is a helpful way to look at what I do next!
OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 28/12/2021 00:10

I feel like you are taking your feelings you have of your DH on her which isn’t fair.

Why not just get them a box of biscuits or a bottle of robe or something for the both of them.

I would ask too just because I’d want to know if you had an issue with my partner.

There was a thread a few days ago which had a different perspective and everyone was telling the OP to just ask her.

JohnSmithDrive · 28/12/2021 00:13

I wouldn't ask most people but it is a question I'd ask of my father and I think he would ask of me.

AiryFairyLights · 28/12/2021 00:18

If you had never ever bought for her then I think it would be less of an issue but because you have bought for her in the past - even if only once then clearly it gives the impressions there is an issue and I can understand why your fathers asked!
I think you need to be honest and apologise op

maryberryslayers · 28/12/2021 00:19

It's a bit shitty if I'm honest. I'm in the same boat and also have very young children.

My dads gf gets us sod all. I buy my kids presents off my dad as well as for her and the rest of our large family (happy with this as he is a wonderful and very kind dad) and I know he buys me mine specifically off him not her. They don't share finances.

Me and gf get on ok now but have a complicated history. I always buy her something small, just a token gesture that I know she'll like for a few pound.

I do it for my dad, mainly. But also because she's his partner and it's Christmas and even if she can't be bothered I can.

AmyDudley · 28/12/2021 00:19

I would personally never ask why someone hadn't bought me a present, but if I had jointly given presents to them and their kids I would privately be hurt that I was excluded from receiving a gift.
I would guess she is very much involved in choosing presents for your children (especially as your Dad has form for being generally crap).

But you've obviously realised your mistake, so there's no need for me to add to the chorus of disapproval. Its a bit late to do much about it this year as far as Christmas is concerned. Does she live near enough for you to ask her out for a coffee or lunch in the near future? Or could you send a gift for her birthday in the coming year ?. And remember her next Christmas or send a joint present for her and your Dad.

FortunesFave · 28/12/2021 00:22

My weird SIL never buys my kids a present. I always get her son one. I honestly can't think why she thinks it's acceptable.

I buy her son something for every birthday and every Christmas. What's going on in her mind?

vdbfamily · 28/12/2021 00:24

I had a friend who used to get upset that her FIL never phoned to ask about his grandkids. I realised at that point that neither did my dad. He might if he knew there was a specific thing one was doing but my dad would only phone of he had a question about something, not for a chat. I know we are supposed to believe that men and women are exactly the same but conditioned differently but as a generalisation I would say father's are less likely to phone and ask about their grandchildren and less likely to frame photos and put around the home. If they spend more time with her family and have more photos of her grandchildren, it is because she is doing that and he is not bothering. Maybe send them a nice family photo in a frame and make an effort to invite them regularly. She will not invite them as will be afraid of rejection as your step mother. That might be the perfect gift, a photo of your kids in a lovely frame and an invite to meal with you all.

CallMeNutribullet · 28/12/2021 00:28

It's not her fault your dad is shit.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2021 00:30

Oh, I do think this is a bit shitty of you to be honest. Sorry!

It’s your dad who hasn’t put up photos of you and the children.
It’s your dad who doesn’t include you in holidays.
It’s your dad who doesn’t make much effort.
Yet, you still get him a gift.

You’re blaming your stepmum for your dad not giving a shit.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2021 00:32

@FortunesFave

My weird SIL never buys my kids a present. I always get her son one. I honestly can't think why she thinks it's acceptable.

I buy her son something for every birthday and every Christmas. What's going on in her mind?

Maybe she doesn’t want you to get him anything?
CharlotteRose90 · 28/12/2021 00:33

I think it’s awful especially after 10 years after 6 months with my ex I was bought Christmas gifts by his family. I’m not surprised she’s hurt

JohnSmithDrive · 28/12/2021 00:37

Going on the general uselessness of your father, it was probably her who organised any gifts you had from them.

If a close relative had hurt my partner, I'd expect to talk to them about it, yes.

EMotion · 28/12/2021 00:41

Send a nice family photo in a nice frame - then you can see it on the wall.

Seafog · 28/12/2021 00:43

Your dad should be the one to put up photos of you and yours, so that's on him, not her.
It sounds like she has never caused an issue, has been there a decade, but is not recognized as her own person.
Your dad needs to fix his shit, and again, that's him not her.

Get some flowers, say I'm sorry, and hold your dad more accountable going forwards.

melj1213 · 28/12/2021 00:43

YABU - you deliberately left her out, I don't blame her for being hurt.

It takes very little effort to pick up a gift set at the same time as you bought your dad's gift or get a joint gift - fancy chocs and wine etc - for them both. Getting your DF a present but not his partner of 10+ years is just rude, especially if they have jointly got gifts for your whole family.