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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s rude to ask why no present was bought?

133 replies

CescaCesca · 27/12/2021 23:30

My DF has texted me and my sibling asking why his partner didn’t receive a Christmas present. I genuinely don’t know how to reply because we do not have a very close relationship and unfortunately I didn’t even really think about it this year! We have never consistently bought for her (although always him). They have been together for 10+ yrs, and before I had kids I have occasionally bought something little for her, like a gift set.
I have a rocky relationship with my DF, there have been a few big tense conversations in the last couple of years and honestly he’s just a bit of a crap dad in general. He doesn’t make much of an effort to see or ask about my kids and as a family they are always doing things with her side of the family (holidays and meals out etc.) and don’t include us.
If we do ever go round to their house there is no trace of me or my sibling, but plenty of photos on the walls of her grown up children and their kids (so her grandchildren).
They did buy presents for my kids, me and DH so I do feel guilty now for not even thinking about it!

But aside from that even if I was upset I would never in a million yrs message someone and ask them why they didn’t buy a present!

OP posts:
Cattitudes · 28/12/2021 08:18

Oh in all the excitement of the day I forgot to say that the present I ordered for SM hasn't arrived yet, caught up in the post. Then find the most bespoke thing you can think of for her. Or a photo frame with your family and say that you know how much she loves having family photos around her.

LubaLuca · 28/12/2021 08:26

It's obviously deliberate, that's what has made it hurtful. You didn't forget to buy something for her or mark what you did buy as a joint present, you chose to leave her out.

It would have made more sense if you hadn't bothered getting anything for your dad either, because it's him who doesn't want to put up photos of you etc., if that's the real reason for the snub this year.

LubaLuca · 28/12/2021 08:29

And don't send her a framed photo of your family - that's a horrible thing to force on someone as a passive aggressive gesture ☹️. I would hate that, even from relatives I do like!

Doomscrolling · 28/12/2021 08:32

@SpiderFluff yes, me too. I imagine it was pretty embarrassing and hurtful to have been left out completely like that, the poor woman.

Lostinafield · 28/12/2021 08:34

I like the idea of the poster who said give her a massive bouquet as apology. Tell her you were so caught up with the children, you got distracted. Even make up a friend you forgot to buy for this year.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 08:35

@Cattitudes

Oh in all the excitement of the day I forgot to say that the present I ordered for SM hasn't arrived yet, caught up in the post. Then find the most bespoke thing you can think of for her. Or a photo frame with your family and say that you know how much she loves having family photos around her.
That's just the thing to make her feel included..not.

Here's a picture of the part of the family that clearly hate you.

Prescottdanni123 · 28/12/2021 08:35

So they have been buying you, your DH and DC presents every year, but you only buy for her sporadically?

OP, are you sure that it isn't you that has been subconsciously excluding her?

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 08:36

Dad can sort out photos of you all if he can be bothered. You've even really nasty to this lady who has been in your life 10+ years and you're still excluding her.

User2638483 · 28/12/2021 08:39

If you regret it, one option is to say it was an oversight and you have the gift here then quickly get some smellies or something.
It is direct but I don’t really blame him for asking.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 08:40

She doesn’t usually come out unless it’s a birthday or an event - whenever my dad has occasionally popped by he is always solo. not surprised if you're this nasty to her

girlmom21 · 28/12/2021 08:46

@Youhaveyourhandsfull

These are grown up adults yes? Fucking hell.

I wonder how self absorbed you have to be to care about this and mention it to someone. The entirely normal reaction would be it was probably an oversight and the world doesn’t revolve around any given person, unless you’re a self entitled wanker.

Present buying between adults is strange imo. We only buy for my brother in law and wife as they buy our kids things and they don’t have any children, so it’s just fairer. But I don’t expect gifts from them.

But you'd never just buy for your BIL and not his wife, right?

That's no different to OP's dad and his partner buying for her and her kids and her only buying for the two of them.

girlmom21 · 28/12/2021 08:47

@Frankzappa22

FWIW I think you are very much in the wrong and should acknowledge it
She did. About half an hour after she posted the thread.
namechangeagain32 · 28/12/2021 08:52

The problem here is the inconsistency, if you used to buy presents and then stop it does look rude, thoughtless or deliberate. You need to vocalise your present boundaries, perhaps you need to suggest to go kids only?

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 08:57

YABU but you've acknowledged that.

IhaveaBigBum · 28/12/2021 09:02

Why don't you gift her a framed photos of you and your family? Wink

Hellolittlestar · 28/12/2021 09:02

It’s rude to ask why no present was bought, but you were rude in the first place, it’s either presents for everyone you visit in that household or nobody.

incognitodorrito · 28/12/2021 09:19

@Freakon

I think there is more to this. You didn’t buy her anything because you don’t like her. Why not just admit it. Now your DF is upset that his partner who he loves is hurt by your actions or lack of. Why wouldn’t she feel snubbed and excluded. It’s very mean. He’s asking because he can’t understand why you wouldn’t just get her something - he wants to know what the issue is. Basically you’ve been caught out being unkind to her in a passive aggressive way and you don’t like it. You said yourself a couple of things that bug you like them spending time with her family etc. Well that’s what happens generally. It’s always the wife’s family who are most included. Do you and DH spend as much time with his family as you do your mother and her family? You know that just because he loves his wife who isn’t your mum doesn’t make him a shitty Dad right? I’d love to know what he’s done to make him so crap but you clearly feel jealous of his spouse.
I think this response nails it.
mrsbitaly · 28/12/2021 09:25

I would have purchased a small gift for her if they've been together that long. You say your dad has been crap but you purchased him a present?

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 09:28

@IhaveaBigBum

Why don't you gift her a framed photos of you and your family? Wink
Because that's a really shitty thing to do. She can give those to her dad sure but it's not up to his partner to make sure there are photos of OP in the house.
Wife2b · 28/12/2021 09:59

Very thoughtless OP, your Dad was right to pull you up on it. You’d be best off quickly wrapping something and saying you forgot or were waiting for it to be delivered.

Cherrysoup · 28/12/2021 10:01

Joint present is definitely the way forward, but yes, pretty deliberate and shitty not to get her anything when she gets for your dc. It feels very pointed and she must be really hurt.

Iheartbaby · 28/12/2021 10:12

@Anoisagusaris

If they can’t be bothered to have pictures of you and your family in their house but can do it got her children, then what’s the big deal if you not bothering to her a present?
I agree, it’s ok for them to leave the op out and not bother with her day to day life and his grandchildren but suddenly this is not ok when it’s her not getting a present.
Nutsohazelnuts · 28/12/2021 10:18

I think probably YABU not to buy her a small present.

However, it’s also very U to make a fuss about it.

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 28/12/2021 10:27

I don’t for a second buy the whole ‘I forgot’ scenario. It sounds like you’ve deliberately not bought one as you blame her for the lack of photos at his house. The ‘I don’t consistently buy for her’ is a shitty thing to do also. Does it depend on how you feel about her any given year, and she’s not passed the test this year.

It’s not very nice behaviour on your part.

SturminsterNewton · 28/12/2021 10:44

Don't give her a framed picture of your kids - that's just rubbing salt in the wound. Why would she appreciate that??

"Here's a photo of the family who receive your presents but can't be arsed to get you anything".