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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

It’s rude to ask why no present was bought?

133 replies

CescaCesca · 27/12/2021 23:30

My DF has texted me and my sibling asking why his partner didn’t receive a Christmas present. I genuinely don’t know how to reply because we do not have a very close relationship and unfortunately I didn’t even really think about it this year! We have never consistently bought for her (although always him). They have been together for 10+ yrs, and before I had kids I have occasionally bought something little for her, like a gift set.
I have a rocky relationship with my DF, there have been a few big tense conversations in the last couple of years and honestly he’s just a bit of a crap dad in general. He doesn’t make much of an effort to see or ask about my kids and as a family they are always doing things with her side of the family (holidays and meals out etc.) and don’t include us.
If we do ever go round to their house there is no trace of me or my sibling, but plenty of photos on the walls of her grown up children and their kids (so her grandchildren).
They did buy presents for my kids, me and DH so I do feel guilty now for not even thinking about it!

But aside from that even if I was upset I would never in a million yrs message someone and ask them why they didn’t buy a present!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2021 00:49

Personally, I think it would be polite to buy her a gift. She may well, as someone else suggested, be the one picking out the gifts for you and your husband and kids (whether or not she is paying for them).

If there are no photos on the walls of your children this may well be due to your father, who you say you '...have a rocky relationship with'.

Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2021 00:54

OP good to see you have taken it on board. I would almost certainly get her a gift or simply reply saying it has been ordered and not come yet and you are very sorry.

You can choose to mend fences with your dad, or not, as you like. Maybe he doesn't deserve to have the fences mended. But I would buy yourself time and give a good apology that you have ordered it and it hasn't arrived etc.

Or you can come clean but I think that the truth does sound rather callous. Anyway, good luck, and I hope it works out well.

Mamanyt · 28/12/2021 01:00

Ask him why there are no photos of you and your sibling in their home.

CescaCesca · 28/12/2021 01:00

@AmyDudley

I would personally never ask why someone hadn't bought me a present, but if I had jointly given presents to them and their kids I would privately be hurt that I was excluded from receiving a gift. I would guess she is very much involved in choosing presents for your children (especially as your Dad has form for being generally crap).

But you've obviously realised your mistake, so there's no need for me to add to the chorus of disapproval. Its a bit late to do much about it this year as far as Christmas is concerned. Does she live near enough for you to ask her out for a coffee or lunch in the near future? Or could you send a gift for her birthday in the coming year ?. And remember her next Christmas or send a joint present for her and your Dad.

They do live by so I will certainly try that after calling him tomorrow to apologise. She doesn’t usually come out unless it’s a birthday or an event - whenever my dad has occasionally popped by he is always solo.

100% will make the effort for her birthday and Christmas next year Blush

OP posts:
Anoisagusaris · 28/12/2021 01:04

If they can’t be bothered to have pictures of you and your family in their house but can do it got her children, then what’s the big deal if you not bothering to her a present?

Youhaveyourhandsfull · 28/12/2021 01:08

These are grown up adults yes? Fucking hell.

I wonder how self absorbed you have to be to care about this and mention it to someone. The entirely normal reaction would be it was probably an oversight and the world doesn’t revolve around any given person, unless you’re a self entitled wanker.

Present buying between adults is strange imo. We only buy for my brother in law and wife as they buy our kids things and they don’t have any children, so it’s just fairer. But I don’t expect gifts from them.

Catra · 28/12/2021 01:27

My parents (with whom I have a close relationship and who are extremely financially comfortable) didn't get my daughter (their only grandchild) anything last Christmas. I asked them why because I genuinely thought it was an oversight and their response was: she has so much already (!)

This year they gave her £50 in a card and didn't buy anything for me or DH which bothered me far less.

melj1213 · 28/12/2021 01:30

@Anoisagusaris

If they can’t be bothered to have pictures of you and your family in their house but can do it got her children, then what’s the big deal if you not bothering to her a present?
The only photos of family (beyond a couple of DD and I) that I have up in my house are of my nephews and nieces and a few wider family ones and that is only because my siblings have gifted them to me. I'm not hugely into displaying family photos/having knick nacks but as they were gifted I feel I have to display them.

One of my SiLs is a keen photographer, and she is very good, but for about 3 years in a row for birthdays and Christmases every single family member was gifted canvases of various sizes of their children. I love my nephews and nieces but 6 canvases of them is more than I have room for, so I put one up and then at every birthday/Christmas I would rotate the old one out with the new one.

My mother on the other hand, has them all displayed in various places in her house ... if you walked in then you would think she only has my DB and SiLs children as her grandkids, but she has 4 others - we just haven't all made canvases/had professional portraits done and gifted them to her like my DB and SiL - so the school pictures we send my parents are also on display but in a fancy cabinet, not dotted all over the walls and impossible to miss

tcjotm · 28/12/2021 01:32

The expectations around presents astound me. My family don’t give or expect presents. If we see something we think someone would love we get it with no pressure and for no particular event.

I always thought we we weird and we are but omg does it appear it saves so much grief.

Sorry, not helpful at all but wanted to offer an alternative as stepping away from the obligation to buy and exchange gifts saves money, time, anxiety, guilt and huge amount of resources (where does it end up?). Of course if everyone did this the economy might collapse 😂😂

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/12/2021 01:41

@FortunesFave

My weird SIL never buys my kids a present. I always get her son one. I honestly can't think why she thinks it's acceptable.

I buy her son something for every birthday and every Christmas. What's going on in her mind?

You will never know. I think you should realise she isn’t in to present giving and consider stopping giving your nephew presents. Do they even get acknowledged? And why are you not asking yourself why your brother doesn’t buy anything for your child? Perhaps your sil doesn’t want to do wife work. If neither one of them puts anything into your child, they shouldn’t expect presents from you.
Mummyoflittledragon · 28/12/2021 01:43

Why are you calling him to apologise? You should call her. Better still, send a small gift.

SpilltheTea · 28/12/2021 01:48

He doesn't really bother with you or his grandchildren, but he's upset his partner didn't get a Christmas present? Pathetic.

BinChicken3 · 28/12/2021 01:51

Don’t put the no photo of you thing on her, just because she’s the woman. Your dad is perfectly capable of organising photos, don’t blame her for that.

You were being rude to exclude her. And I bet she did the organising of your gifts, not him.

ShippingNews · 28/12/2021 01:52

I included the photo point to demonstrate how they exclude us a lot in general So why doesn't your Dad put up photos of you and your siblings ? Why is it her fault ? Sounds like you want to blame her because you didn't bother to get her anything .

NobodyChoosesToBeBorn · 28/12/2021 01:57

Sibling didn’t buy a gift either so maybe that just added to the wondering? Although personally I wouldn’t have asked.
Could you buy a nice picture frame putting a photo of the grandchildren and gift that? I am a “step” mum btw. The photos on the wall may well have been gifted. As for your Dad although he should be the one to think of your kids, well they don’t always “think”.

caringcarer · 28/12/2021 01:58

You could just buy her a bottle of wine but you chose to snub her. Yet she gives gifts to your children.

Onthedunes · 28/12/2021 02:22

"With all my worldly goods, I thee endow""

This is what it's about and how things pan out in later years, especially if property is involved, although it seems almost crude to bring it up.

Being a wee bit older, I can't tell you the ammount of divorced families, where fathers leave behind children, it hurts them, I've seen the dance of trying to keep their fathers connected to them, when really most of the time they want to give it to them with both barrels.

The fathers hide behind the new family and really don't try themselves, expecting estranged children to do the running.

Years later with frayed relationships the dad dies, leaves everthing to the second wife and then her kids inherit the lot.

It's horrible for children of absent fathers, the constant tightroping of, do I bother with him or not, because all his effort seems to be going to his new family.

You have my sympathy op.

There is so much more to this post than 'just' a present but the new wife is too stupid to accept or understand and your dad is not facing up to the reality of the situation.

Communication is the key but too many men wish to sweep their responsibilities under the carpet.

It all becomes a bit fake.

sweetbellyhigh · 28/12/2021 02:24

I suppose you could just tell him? Doesn't sound as though he is after an answer though. It's more like a reprimand.

Cissyandflora · 28/12/2021 02:29

@Dillidalli

It’s really quite awful of you and she must be feeling very hurt. Crap excuse you’ve given too. What you did is far worse than him asking why there wasn’t a gift.
Agree with this exactly. You’ve hurt her feelings and you’ve been happy to take gifts that she has bought for your family. It’s shitty behaviour and you’ve been called out on it. Rightly so.
Alondra · 28/12/2021 02:32

Look, if she has been nice to you, you need to separate issues when answering your father:

  1. Apologise for your oversight and give her a call directly to say so.
  1. Tell your father he's a crappy father and grandfather and unfortunately she's been collateral damage by his rejection of you.

Your feelings are valid, don't allow your father's lack of love to make you feel guilty. Be frank.

DickMabutt73962 · 28/12/2021 02:32

Joint gift to the both of them from now on.

Onthedunes · 28/12/2021 02:34

I think the circumstances of how her father and her stepmother got together may have some bearing on this situation.

Maybe op is trying to hurt her feelings.

I wonder why.

ChrimboGateauxCatto · 28/12/2021 02:35

Alternative point of view. I don't buy for my dad at all and he didn't get me anything for my 50th which I was a little upset about. I did used to send him a small chocolate gift for birthday and father's day prior to him being diagnosed diabetic.

Emerald5hamrock · 28/12/2021 02:38

It was thoughtless not have give her a small gift.

Cornflakes44 · 28/12/2021 02:39

Jokingly mention that if you did get engaged you’d want to have nice nails. He books you in for a manicure you know it’s coming.

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