Feeling horrible. Just wanting an outlet.

[heldinadream]

I hate christmas and I don't really like having people in my house, I find it stressful. I usually avoid the xmas thing by housesitting but our housesit fell through because covid, and now I have staying with me and my DH the people that I most love in the world and more of them coming tomorrow and the people who are staying have just come in and started to make themselves a meal - having said they would have eaten. I stay in control of my emotions by keeping the kitchen how I like it, keeping it in my control. So that's gone, and I now feel like cancelling tomorrow. I feel like utter shit. I feel so angry but not angry at anyone. I love them to pieces but this is not good for me.
There are no answers. Thank you for listening.

They've also trod dirt up the staircase and knocked a picture off the wall (it's unharmed).
I never want to see hair nor hide of xmas again. If I don't get a house-sit next year I'm fucking off somewhere anyway.

Totally OT and nosey, so ignore if you like, but did you become a therapist because of your experiences?

Glad to hear that you have managed to keep it together so far!

ravenmum oh definitely! Thanks it's all going pretty well at the moment but older DD and her DH and two bigger grandsons are not here yet!

If your triggers are still live, as it were, then you haven’t got to the bottom of them yet and there is more work to be done. People can spend years in therapy without actually tackling their discomfort zones.

I wonder if it's worth going through the scenario from your daughter's point of view. We don't know her or have the full story but perhaps it would help? You thinking she waltzed in, interrupted your quiet space, treaded dirty shoes through the house and invaded your kitchen could be her 'i didn't want mum and dad to be on their own this year so I made it over even though it was a journey from hell with the baby, my hormones are a mess, my husband is being an arse and with all the stress of packing up a small child and presents and things for staying over I didn't get a chance to eat but mum won't mind if I quickly whip up a sandwich when i get there'.

Some assumptions there @HeadNorth. In our situation it’s about not making work for my very elderly parent that we’re all staying with, and sharing the load. Definitely not about an immaculate show home, but everyone pulling their weight so that we can all enjoy being together.

It might depend how they went about it.

I just couldn't tread dirty shoes through a house & my husband would help me take them off so that it wouldn't happen.

Presumably they said sorry about the picture & put it back straight away?

The meal is annoying as you offered to cook.

I'm guessing that they said that sorry things hadn't gone to plan & could they cook & obviously washed up afterwards?

I think you have to think of yourself more.

You are allowed to be annoyed & express it.

You don't have to act a certain way way because of how your SIL might be or be towards your daughter.

They are adults & manage themselves!

It looks like you are triggered into such a emotional state that you are unable to assertively and calmly state your boundaries - so it would make sense to deal with the root cause once and for all by exploring and developing your own inner emotional resilience and calm so that you then have the capacity to confidently state your boundaries rather than be stuck in a state of repressed anger and unhealthy avoidant behaviours.

It’s really sad for everyone if it’s the case that the you have avoided Christmas with your DCs and DGCs due to unresolved childhood trauma which is unconsciously hijacking your life ever since with crippling paralysing anxiety. No need to live this way. This type of “coping” response is also often negatively progressive as people’s lives and relationships become slowly smaller and eroded. Have you looked at emotional flooding and complex PTSD? A sensorimotor trained trauma therapist could help you become aware, track and then intercept the body sensations which indicate the start of an anxiety attack.

But you seem to have pulled back from the brink in this occasion which is laudable and I hope that you are able to emotionally protect yourself to get through the day and maybe even derive some pleasure from being surrounded by the people you love the most - I do think if you were comfortable being open about what you are experiencing it would help all of you. Good luck.

This is not the OP's issue.

I agree @Onandoff

Her daughter should have text ahead that there was a change of plan and could they prepare food.

They are presumptuous, disrespectful and entitled.

In the real world, a sleeping child is NOT an excuse to walk dirt through someone's home.

Not difficult to ask someone to pull off your shoes as you hold the baby.

There is a real lacking in basic manners here.

OP, you sound like a very nice woman.

@billy1966 thank you you are sweet. They are all here, all fed, and I am sitting down with a Bramble and Raspberry gin and tonic and I have surrendered to all mess including I just tripped over a carpet and spilt some g&t down son-in-law's tee shirt. Poetic justice. Chaos has descended and I'm embracing it.

Boys and men all playing dice, DDs and DGD all out for a walk and I have escaped to my own room that I paint and write in. I think I've def got through it and I don't feel in any danger of a meltdown now and y'all helped just by discussing it and giving me somewhere else to focus.
So thank you all. I do bloody love mumsnet, I really do.

Great news, cheers, op.

Very good. Maybe google steam cleaners for when they've gone?

I hear you and I understand you. I would feel the same.

Great update OP, hurrah for Gin🥳

Yes! So pleased OP. Well done xx

heldinadream So pleased to hear your update and thank you for starting this thread as I feel very similar and thought I was weird and alone. Reading this thread has made me realise there are many others who feel similar, and I’m not abnormal to feel overwhelmed hosting Xmas for everyone. I escaped to my bedroom for an hour today and it really helped.

Know where you are coming from - I wish GPs would hand over diazepam for these situations! I just drink alcohol then I dont care if all the toys I’d spent hours sorting are being thrown into the one box, people have shoes on, walls getting hand prints one etc.

Glad you're getting through OP

Thanks everyone.

Epilogue - they've all gone home now and while DH and I were debriefing, he said he thought I'd coped very well, so I told him about this thread and how it had indeed been an outlet that had enabled me to step back a bit and not lose the plot. I told him he could read it if he liked - so he did. Obviously I have banged on endlessly about how much I like mumsnet, but this time he really 'got' it. He said how impressed he was with the helpfulness of the contributions and how much effort people were putting in, not only to being helpful to me but engaging with each other, too, and calling out people who've misread or misunderstood.
He's now lying on the sofa down a mumsnet rabbit hole - telling me about how much money it makes and that there's a premium option (who knew - well, I did obviously...). And did I know there's a gransnet! Well yes of course I bloody did but it's not a patch on mumsnet!

Dammit I think he might be on the brink of signing up! If he does I'm due for a namechange....

What a lovely update!

Haha, great update! My dh has been eye rolling about MN for years. I would hate to find him on here! 😆.

Welcome Mrheldinadream if you do join us 😁