Feeling horrible. Just wanting an outlet.

[heldinadream]

I hate christmas and I don't really like having people in my house, I find it stressful. I usually avoid the xmas thing by housesitting but our housesit fell through because covid, and now I have staying with me and my DH the people that I most love in the world and more of them coming tomorrow and the people who are staying have just come in and started to make themselves a meal - having said they would have eaten. I stay in control of my emotions by keeping the kitchen how I like it, keeping it in my control. So that's gone, and I now feel like cancelling tomorrow. I feel like utter shit. I feel so angry but not angry at anyone. I love them to pieces but this is not good for me.
There are no answers. Thank you for listening.

They've also trod dirt up the staircase and knocked a picture off the wall (it's unharmed).
I never want to see hair nor hide of xmas again. If I don't get a house-sit next year I'm fucking off somewhere anyway.

Practically, are you able to communicate some boundaries to regain some control? I’m not great with people in my kitchen, but I own it. My older DC tease me gently about it, but they know to check with me before helping themselves.

Are you all able to let some things go? Again by choosing what to let go you are taking back some control. You might find that prioritising the things that matter most to you helps you to eat through this.

I hope you manage to get some enjoyment from it too.

OP you must know you need to work through your ‘inner state’ so that it is not dominating your life and compelling you to control your kitchen.

I don’t know why your years of therapy didn’t work, were you somehow avoiding this stuff albeit unintentionally?

What people mean by introversion on here is often social anxiety.

Our house is filthy.... mud trodden in all over the hallway by visitors coming in and out. Dogs bringing mud in from the garden. There is a mountain of dirty plates/cups on the side in the kitchen as the dishwasher has been playing up. And you know what? I couldn't care less because the house has been full of laughter, family and love for the last 3 days.

Your post made me feel really sad for you OP, that you prioritise cleaning over your loved ones. That's no way to live.

It’s interesting on here that a lot are blaming Ops feelings over the slatternly behaviour of her daughter and partner. All that carnage in probably the first hour of their visit. Why wouldn’t you take your shoes off or ask for some food, especially if you are aware your mum likes things neat and tidy? Ops daughter sounds like an entitled madam but this behaviour isn’t unusual from parents of young children- which makes me think it comes from sleep deprivation or some sort of bubble new parents are in. A few examples from memory: friends changing their babies on new carpet, streams of urine shooting everywhere, one who laughed when her nappy-less toddler squatted and urinated all over our other friends new carpet. Sofas ruined with crusted on food, dirty handprints all over walls, writing on walls. No wonder some people don’t want others in their homes. You’d never see this behaviour tolerated in other cultures. But no, op is to blame for being precious

@BIWI

FFS there are some incredibly mean posts on this thread, starting with the very first reply.

Why can't people think about what a poster is posting and why they might be posting that? Why can't people read between the lines? And above all, why can't people have a bit of compassion and empathy for someone who is obviously suffering?

It may not be a situation others are in, but that doesn't mean you have to stamp all over another woman's feelings.

Why do people feel the need to stick the boot in, just because they can?

Yep, it's just bloody ridiculous how people deliberately misconstrue an op so they can go on the attack.

@Onandoff

Not taking your shoes off and treading dirt up the stairs while knocking a picture off the wall, then helping yourself to the kitchen without asking is hugely unreasonable entitled behaviour.

This isn’t what the OP has said - she doesn’t describe the actions of her DD as entitled - she is clearly and emotionally intelligently explaining her own heightened anxiety and the anger she feels - not at anyone - but which she needs to process.

The OP explained that the shoes didn’t come off because DD needed to get sleeping DGD upstairs to bed and taking them off would have woken DGD (a woken fractious baby might well have caused OP more stress for hours than muddy stairs that can be swept in minutes) - the OP was understanding of this choice that her DD had made. I can imagine that the picture off the wall (no damage quickly replaced) was in trying to carry a child upstairs - none of this is “entitled behaviour” - and the OP didn’t say that they didn’t ask to make food - you have made that up. She said there was no plan to eat - and this seems to have changed. They didn’t demand that the OP cook for her at minutes notice.

OP talk to your DD when you have a calm moment - or even text her. Be open and honest - tell her you love her in all the world that YOU are emotionally overwhelmed and trying really hard to cope - that it’s not personal and maybe suggest a safe word or hand gesture when you feel your emotions exploding so that they know you will be taking yourself off for an hour to gather yourself without having to explain something that’s going to come out irrationally and hurt you all.

Take some of the tips PP have suggested that might work for you. Keep telling yourself OP that I am doing this for love.

"Not taking your shoes off and treading dirt up the stairs while knocking a picture off the wall, then helping yourself to the kitchen without asking is hugely unreasonable entitled behaviour."

I think so too.

"If I said no then dd's husband would be annoyed." -wtf is that all about?

Before you mentioned it I thought ASD OP. Remember just because in one persons opinion you don't have it doesn't mean you don't. You may have been masking particularly well, they may not have been good enough at spotting the signs, it might have been more convenient to them just to say no or you might not have given them the right/enough information (because you didn't realise the relevance/importance of certain things).

My advice would be to see yourself as not NT and understand there are things you just can't handle, explain it to them, tell them you think you're probably autistic despite not getting a diagnosis and explain to them what you can't cope with so hopefully they understand and can work with you. I think I'm probably autistic too, my ds has a diagnosis, and I hate people in my house, it's my sanctuary. If you need them to keep out your kitchen and let you know in advance that they've not eaten ask them to let you know, ask your dd to clean up the mess.

I think communication is really key here OP, think about what you need and what you can't manage and let your guests know. They might think the way they are doing things is 'best' and that's why they're doing it so let them know it's not working for you.

‘I offered them a meal and they'd said no, we will have eaten. Then they arrived and went straight into the fridge devising a meal. If I said no then dd's husband would be annoyed.’

I can see how this would be irritating. Yes, she’s your daughter, but it’s still your home. To ask before treating someone else’s kitchen, food, etc as though it were your own is just common courtesy, unless it’s a well-established convention. For her husband to be annoyed would be out of line.

@Tal45

Before you mentioned it I thought ASD OP. Remember just because in one persons opinion you don't have it doesn't mean you don't. You may have been masking particularly well, they may not have been good enough at spotting the signs, it might have been more convenient to them just to say no or you might not have given them the right/enough information (because you didn't realise the relevance/importance of certain things).

My advice would be to see yourself as not NT and understand there are things you just can't handle, explain it to them, tell them you think you're probably autistic despite not getting a diagnosis and explain to them what you can't cope with so hopefully they understand and can work with you. I think I'm probably autistic too, my ds has a diagnosis, and I hate people in my house, it's my sanctuary. If you need them to keep out your kitchen and let you know in advance that they've not eaten ask them to let you know, ask your dd to clean up the mess.

I think communication is really key here OP, think about what you need and what you can't manage and let your guests know. They might think the way they are doing things is 'best' and that's why they're doing it so let them know it's not working for you.

So I've been reading everything but not had time to respond because it's all full on now. But this post is spot on - and yes I think of myself as not NT or something and have actually discussed it with younger DD who is an OT who works with ASD people so I think she really understands and makes allowances for me. An added stressor I think is that I'm really quite (underneath all the successful masking) frightened of men, and if I spot irritation in DD's DH it is a trigger and I want to not add anything difficult into the situation. So DD might understand the ASD stuff but not this other bit and her DH just gets annoyed with my behaviour. I'll add that he's a really lovely man but like most men (am I right?) he moves to anger before he moves to sympathy. Or maybe not before but the anger is more easily triggered. And my childhood has left me really terrified of male anger. So many things in the mix, as usual.

Anyway it's all been really helpful and I think my boundaries are probably better than I think because I feel able to shrug off the unkind posts where people have basically misunderstood. Also I feel a lot better today and now I need to organise lunch for nine. Once everyone is fed I'll knock off and not worry about mess until after they've all gone. (That's the intention anyway!).

I had a lovely two hours looking after DGD before anyone else got up. She's an utter sweetheart. I can do babies no problem.

What does your DD do or say when her DH expresses anger towards you? I would not tolerate my husband speaking angrily to my mum - especially in her own house. It’s rude and disrespectful. I can’t even imagine it, actually. Why on earth would your son in law think it’s acceptable to get angry with you? That’s really not ok.

Glad you are feeling better and that you didn't take on board the unnecessarily unkind posts.

I think your daughter should have sent you a coutesy text that there was a change of plan.
Very basic.

Her husband being quick to irritate and anger are not the markers of a nice man and I would NOT like that in my home.

Perhaps you need to reflect on why you allow someone who makes you anxious and a little on tender hooks in your home?

He is a guest in YOUR home.

He doesn't get to be irritated by you and show his irritation towards you, whilst in YOUR home.

Both your daughter and her husband sound very entitled.

[quote ESGdance]@Onandoff

Not taking your shoes off and treading dirt up the stairs while knocking a picture off the wall, then helping yourself to the kitchen without asking is hugely unreasonable entitled behaviour.

This isn’t what the OP has said - she doesn’t describe the actions of her DD as entitled - she is clearly and emotionally intelligently explaining her own heightened anxiety and the anger she feels - not at anyone - but which she needs to process.

The OP explained that the shoes didn’t come off because DD needed to get sleeping DGD upstairs to bed and taking them off would have woken DGD (a woken fractious baby might well have caused OP more stress for hours than muddy stairs that can be swept in minutes) - the OP was understanding of this choice that her DD had made. I can imagine that the picture off the wall (no damage quickly replaced) was in trying to carry a child upstairs - none of this is “entitled behaviour” - and the OP didn’t say that they didn’t ask to make food - you have made that up. She said there was no plan to eat - and this seems to have changed. They didn’t demand that the OP cook for her at minutes notice.

OP talk to your DD when you have a calm moment - or even text her. Be open and honest - tell her you love her in all the world that YOU are emotionally overwhelmed and trying really hard to cope - that it’s not personal and maybe suggest a safe word or hand gesture when you feel your emotions exploding so that they know you will be taking yourself off for an hour to gather yourself without having to explain something that’s going to come out irrationally and hurt you all.

Take some of the tips PP have suggested that might work for you. Keep telling yourself OP that I am doing this for love.[/quote]
As opposed to what you intended your post just reinforces what I said. Its not normal to think it’s ok to tread a load of dirt into carpet to avoid the possibility of waking a baby. This sort of thing is why some people’s children can never self settle. Rods for backs.

Her husband sounds like an arse too.

@billy1966 again I really appreciate your perspective. My default position is and has always been that things are my fault. I stand up to people much better than I used to but not people who are close to me. In other words if someone I love displays irritation towards me my default assumption is that I must be being irritating. I can't imagine standing up to my SIL over this kind of thing and my fear would be that he'd get really pissed off and then upset my DD, so in my eyes I'm protecting her by blaming myself. I hasten to add he's never shown the remotest propensity towards any physical aggression. The fears are mine based on my childhood.

@Onandoff

Her husband sounds like an arse too.

Yup!

I find my ILs annoying/irritating-nothing worth getting angry over though.

Just eyeroll worthy.

I strikes me that there could be better communication all round. The dirty shoes on the carpet and making food would irritate me, and as far as I know I think I am NT.

I probably would have helped remove the shoes if the DD couldn't take them off due to carrying a small child. The DD should have asked about making food, and should have contacted the OP en route.

Do you find it difficult to vocalise your needs @heldinadream?

[quote heldinadream]@billy1966 again I really appreciate your perspective. My default position is and has always been that things are my fault. I stand up to people much better than I used to but not people who are close to me. In other words if someone I love displays irritation towards me my default assumption is that I must be being irritating. I can't imagine standing up to my SIL over this kind of thing and my fear would be that he'd get really pissed off and then upset my DD, so in my eyes I'm protecting her by blaming myself. I hasten to add he's never shown the remotest propensity towards any physical aggression. The fears are mine based on my childhood.[/quote]
I honestly don’t think any of this is your problem. Their behaviour was the problem, not how you responded to it. Im not massively house proud and I would have been pissed off with that. Sadly how people behave in others homes is less and less of a surprise these days. Perhaps it’s this throwaway society.

So glad that you have found ways to manage your anxiety and enjoy your granddaughter - that’s a huge achievement.

This time of year, ILs, expectations, changes of plan are a potent mix for anyone never mind someone dealing with anxiety.

Have some self compassion and be proud that you are getting through.

As for angry SIL that’s a separate issue to tackle. I find that if my intention is to diffuse and being down someone’s anger whilst expressing it’s not OK in a calm way it seems to work rather than my own anger taking over and it escalating. If they kick off or flounce at my calm and dignified intervention then that’s in them and they look even ridiculous. I also think that if this happens it’s like weather - it will pass - it won’t endure for hours. If it does I would say you seem tense - would you like to take yourself off for a walk or get some quiet time? Don’t let their mood hang on and control others.

Wow!

I wonder if you looked to explore and work through your issues from childhood in therapy that your anxiety would become resolved. You may have complex PTSD which is an emotional flooding and overwhelmed with specific personal triggers.

Often people who have an inner life of turmoil and emotional chaos try to manage their external environment which gives temporary relief but this is exhausting and not sustainable and doesn’t hold in times of change and uncertainty. Best to deal with the root cause - creating a calm, peaceful, self compassionate and resilient inner life.

I’m a bit like you op but it’s not as bad. I’m a highly strung and I have a nails on blackboard moment when my relatives start stomping around ignoring my no shoes inside rule etc. I’ve learnt to ignore it and clean up later though because I want to be a better host.

@ESGdance

I wonder if you looked to explore and work through your issues from childhood in therapy that your anxiety would become resolved. You may have complex PTSD which is an emotional flooding and overwhelmed with specific personal triggers.

Often people who have an inner life of turmoil and emotional chaos try to manage their external environment which gives temporary relief but this is exhausting and not sustainable and doesn’t hold in times of change and uncertainty. Best to deal with the root cause - creating a calm, peaceful, self compassionate and resilient inner life.

You might have a point but I think there are more than a few of us on this thread who feel that Op’s feelings are valid and it’s the behaviour of her daughter and son-in-law that’s at fault. If anything any therapist would recognise this and actually focus on helping Op find the tools to pull people up on their poor behaviour and reinforce her boundaries.

Those of you suggesting therapy - I've had more years of therapy than anyone else I know and I'm a retired therapist. Personal therapy of 23 years in different stints.

I'm much happier than I used to be but there are still massive triggers. I know I'm a pretty damaged person. Sorry short post making lunch.