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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling horrible. Just wanting an outlet.

146 replies

heldinadream · 26/12/2021 21:47

I hate christmas and I don't really like having people in my house, I find it stressful. I usually avoid the xmas thing by housesitting but our housesit fell through because covid, and now I have staying with me and my DH the people that I most love in the world and more of them coming tomorrow and the people who are staying have just come in and started to make themselves a meal - having said they would have eaten. I stay in control of my emotions by keeping the kitchen how I like it, keeping it in my control. So that's gone, and I now feel like cancelling tomorrow. I feel like utter shit. I feel so angry but not angry at anyone. I love them to pieces but this is not good for me.
There are no answers. Thank you for listening.

They've also trod dirt up the staircase and knocked a picture off the wall (it's unharmed).
I never want to see hair nor hide of xmas again. If I don't get a house-sit next year I'm fucking off somewhere anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
heldinadream · 26/12/2021 22:43

@tablettipper this is not forever. That's good. Interesting about ADHD. I was assessed for autism but they decided not. I'm not convinced they were right. I'm a bit old now to get a diagnosis to be honest, I pushed for the autism assessment and they didn't seem that bothered just wanted me not to want anything if it came out as a positive diagnosis.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 26/12/2021 22:43

You sound a bit like me. Blush
I find getting outside. Exercise. Music. Time with my pets. Reading. Craft. Puzzles. Distraction. Looking after myself (even painting my toes) Audiobook. Some time to myself.
But that’s me. I’m also medicated! I have anxiety and depression.
Do you have any sort of diagnosis?
And Flowers for you.

Original poster
heldinadream · 26/12/2021 22:45

@AnneLovesGilbert I've had years of private psychotherapy but not for a while. Your words have made me sad - but thank you, I need to hear that.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 26/12/2021 22:46

OP, rather than fall out with anyone because of the stress this is causing, could you book into a hotel tomorrow overnight as a pretend house sit?

Anything to just get you out of the way.

You clearly are very anxious OP, look at solutions to getting away.

Flowers
Original poster
heldinadream · 26/12/2021 22:47

@Throckmorton yes I score very high on introversion scales!

OP posts:
Original poster
heldinadream · 26/12/2021 22:50

Thanks Wolfie good list I do some of that. I've been taken by surprise by losing it. I thought I had this visit sewn up but no.

OP posts:
Original poster
heldinadream · 26/12/2021 22:54

Hey @billy1966 I always like your posts! But by tomorrow night the worst and most of it will be over. And I can't imagine walking out on everyone it would feel so exposing of my inner state which I'm trying hard to hide and manage myself.

OP posts:
namechanged221 · 26/12/2021 22:54

You'll be fine.
Just keep on remembering that your family are more important than these minor concerns about your house.

You can fix it all up and clean it back to the way you like it once they're gone.

Don't let these minor concerns stop you from enjoying your family at xmas! This is your life so enjoy it! Be daring and step out of the comfort zone xx

Original poster
heldinadream · 26/12/2021 22:56

I'm going to try and get some sleep now. Thanks everyone. Mumsnet is really helpful full of lovely helpful people.

OP posts:
PineappleMojito · 26/12/2021 22:59

I have ADHD and I can struggle with house guests. It’s more the overwhelm of having people constantly around, it can just feel too much. But I do recognise this is a me problem - it’s not the guests’ fault. Personally I’d much rather people helped themselves than required me to do things for them!

When I was first diagnosed and understood what I was experiencing was ADHD overload, I found working on emotional regulation strategies really helpful - I still use the STOPP technique when I start feeling overwhelmed - Stop, Take a breath, Observe (your feelings), Perspective, Plan. Just to give me breathing space so I can act, not react. I also like Wim Hof breathing for something to take me away from feeling overwhelmed, you have to concentrate on the breathing so it brings you back into your body.

Wolfiefan · 26/12/2021 22:59

Hope you sleep well. It’s ok to find situations difficult. Hope tomorrow is easier.

NoSquirrels · 26/12/2021 23:00

[quote heldinadream]@RampantIvy I just didn't know they were going to come in and want to cook. I offered them a meal and they'd said no, we will have eaten. Then they arrived and went straight into the fridge devising a meal. If I said no then dd's husband would be annoyed. I can't bear creating conflict now, just before my other dd and her family come over tomorrow. I've only got to get through 36 hours.[/quote]
It’s OK! It’s OK to feel irritated by people - regardless of their relationship to you - who say they’ll do one thing (eat on the way) and then do another (need a meal at yours). It’s rude, really. As is the ignoring a no shoes rule.

Both are mitigated by a baby who changes things inevitably, so you’re right just to stay out of the way.

But it’s OK to feel annoyed by it. Flowers

chillied · 26/12/2021 23:07

I feel some similarities with my DM who would need things just so in her kitchen, so it is very difficult to help, and a lot of stress can be created.

Xmases or other big gatherings got more and more stressful over the years until 1 year I vowed we would never go for Xmas there again. Now for many years my DM comes for Xmas at our house. (except last year when we weren't allowed to travel between our two places).

So yes call this the last Xmas at your place. Hopefully you would be less stressed visiting them?

Itsacakebaby · 26/12/2021 23:12

I'm an introvert and definitely know where you're coming from.

NoSquirrels · 26/12/2021 23:15

@heldinadream

I've gone to bed. I'm just dreading tomorrow. I'm such a mess is the truth and I can't always keep it under wraps.
Thing is, you shouldn’t need to keep it all under wraps. Due consideration of your boundaries should also be fine within a family.

So if it’s your DD, she should know and understand you find not knowing about who’s eating when stressful. So at the point they knew they couldn’t stop to eat en route, she could have given you a head’s up. Then you could have reacted in private, left out something for a meal and cleaned up. Then you’d feel in control.

Ditto shoes. If it is something you feel strongly about they absolutely can change their behaviour to accommodate.

But if you hide your needs/issues usually then no one will know to give you that head’s up. So it’s hard to know if they’re inconsiderate or you’re masking too much.

If you all love each other then the love and flex works in both directions.

My parents are ultra hospitable. But we’ve always understood boundaries which for them is - who’s eating/needs a meal and when?

That’s pretty much it for their boundaries. Friends and relations I know have WAY more household rules or quirks to abide by. So I think you’re OK finding just what you’ve said stressful and I also think your DD and SIL could be more considerate. And you’re 100% right to rise above and not react Grin

buckeejit · 26/12/2021 23:16

Oh op, I'm so sad for you & understand your need for control. Can you try to switch your focus to your bedroom as the control room for a couple of days? You are in control of that & can go there when you need. If you feel able, tell your dd that you're feeling a little overwhelmed lately & if you're going to seek counselling. If you explain that you may have to retreat to your room sometimes & for them not to worry, that could be a big help for you all & even knowing you can escape at any time could help settle your thoughts.

I hope you're able to get through & enjoy this precious time with your family 💐

AllTheWeetabix · 26/12/2021 23:23

My mom sounds just like you and yeah she’s done a fair bit of damage.

They are entitled to eat ffs

NoSquirrels · 26/12/2021 23:36

@AllTheWeetabix

My mom sounds just like you and yeah she’s done a fair bit of damage.

They are entitled to eat ffs

They’re entitled in one way or another, I’d agree.

OP is being considerate by venting here not at her DC. It’s a bit nasty to tell her she’s like your mum who has ‘caused a bit of damage’ when it’s clear from her posts she’s desperate NOT to cause damage. Don’t project.

Shitandhills · 26/12/2021 23:38

@AllTheWeetabix @AnneLovesGilbert @namechanged221 how a bit of kindness and empathy hey? It's clear from OP's posts that she is overwhelmed and struggling to balance her need for a sense of control with acting reasonably as a host, I don't think kicking her when she's struggling is very productive.

OP, I hear you and it's clear you're trying hard not to let it impact your guests. It's fine to vent. Good tip is to breathe in for four and out for 6 when you're freaking out - it makes the parasympathetic nervous system kick in and will calm you. The exact counts aren't important, just make sure you're breathing out for longer than you breathe in. I hope tomorrow is OK for you xxx

AgathaX · 26/12/2021 23:45

I feel for you struggling, but as others have said, try to keep to the front of your mind that this is family. Try to embrace their love for you and your love for them. And look forward to chilling when they go home, after a lovely day or two at yours.

Blossomsbloom · 27/12/2021 01:23

You are not alone in feeling like this. My mum is like this so when visiting we stay in a hotel nearby so she has her space in the evening. She offers to pay for the hotel because she feels bad about it but we won't let her.
We also eat out where possible and then go back to hers for dessert and a drink. I hope when everyone is together you'll enjoy it and by the evening you'll have your home back.

RiojaRose · 27/12/2021 01:59

Much sympathy OP. I feel the same about my kitchen. My daughter’s partner is an excellent cook, which helps a lot, but it’s not easy to relinquish my stuff and my space to someone else. And I can completely understand wanting to cancel things. I feel that way every time I invite people over. I’m not really misanthropic, just stressed (and possibly ADHD).

I would also like to echo what PP said about being a bit more up-front about how things are for you. People are more likely to respect your boundaries when they know what they are and why they’re there. It’s ok to be you.

Hope you get a good sleep and have a lovely day tomorrow.

Hawkins001 · 27/12/2021 02:17

All the best op

andysgirl22 · 27/12/2021 02:26

People ar missing the point that you can love the people but not their affect on your space/time/routines simultaneously and both feelings very very real

iwannalendyoumycoat · 27/12/2021 02:27

This will pass. Look on it as being on a long haul flight. You can't get off, but you will get to other side. Count it off in 15min blocks. Make a private tally chart-cross them off as you go. Each 15min is one you'll not have to do again. But ....try to find the joy in the situation too. And when you do...make a note of that too. And made a point of telling your family about it 🥰🥰