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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling horrible. Just wanting an outlet.

146 replies

heldinadream · 26/12/2021 21:47

I hate christmas and I don't really like having people in my house, I find it stressful. I usually avoid the xmas thing by housesitting but our housesit fell through because covid, and now I have staying with me and my DH the people that I most love in the world and more of them coming tomorrow and the people who are staying have just come in and started to make themselves a meal - having said they would have eaten. I stay in control of my emotions by keeping the kitchen how I like it, keeping it in my control. So that's gone, and I now feel like cancelling tomorrow. I feel like utter shit. I feel so angry but not angry at anyone. I love them to pieces but this is not good for me.
There are no answers. Thank you for listening.

They've also trod dirt up the staircase and knocked a picture off the wall (it's unharmed).
I never want to see hair nor hide of xmas again. If I don't get a house-sit next year I'm fucking off somewhere anyway.

OP posts:
Newnews · 27/12/2021 06:36

I agree you need to find another way of managing your emotions other than to keep an immaculate house. I know you don’t mean to upset her but it is really very sad that your daughter and baby granddaughter have arrived to visit and your main concern is the cleanliness of your kitchen and just “getting through” their visit. All the pps who are saying that it’s ok to have boundaries, well yes it is ok, and maybe your boundary to enable you to cope would be that they don’t visit you at your own home anymore. But I think it also needs to be acknowledged that the need for that boundary is probably not healthy or is at least quite sad. Possessions do not matter in the grand scheme of things. People do. And it doesn’t even sound like they are damaging your home.
I personally would never want to prevent my daughter from visiting so would look into ways to manage my emotions and need for control. Exerting control over your immediate environment calms you to a certain extent but does not really solve the issue. It’s just a temporary plaster.

Tabbacus · 27/12/2021 06:53

@Newnews

I agree you need to find another way of managing your emotions other than to keep an immaculate house. I know you don’t mean to upset her but it is really very sad that your daughter and baby granddaughter have arrived to visit and your main concern is the cleanliness of your kitchen and just “getting through” their visit. All the pps who are saying that it’s ok to have boundaries, well yes it is ok, and maybe your boundary to enable you to cope would be that they don’t visit you at your own home anymore. But I think it also needs to be acknowledged that the need for that boundary is probably not healthy or is at least quite sad. Possessions do not matter in the grand scheme of things. People do. And it doesn’t even sound like they are damaging your home. I personally would never want to prevent my daughter from visiting so would look into ways to manage my emotions and need for control. Exerting control over your immediate environment calms you to a certain extent but does not really solve the issue. It’s just a temporary plaster.
Yep, this.
Whatsdamatta · 27/12/2021 07:23

Could you have an ‘on’ and an ‘off’ time. So pull it all together, paste on the smile etc and get through an hour, then have a walk on your own and decompress, then back ‘on’ for an hour, then hide in your room with a book for an hour etc etc …
It’s like allowing the pressure to build up in the pressure cooker but releasing it gently during the day so it doesn’t blow up. Looks a bit nuts written down but I have to do this sometimes!!

Selttan · 27/12/2021 07:28

Completely not the point of the post but I would never go stay at my parents and go into the kitchen and make myself a meal unless that's what my parents told me to do.

I'll certainly offer to help if my mums cooking but the most I'll do without asking is make myself a cup of tea.

RampantIvy · 27/12/2021 07:33

Neither would I @Selttan, but I think they didn't expect the mother to be there due to plans being cancelled at the last minute.

Prescottdanni123 · 27/12/2021 07:42

They don't sound like they are being inconsiderate and I can see why you would be upset and angry at the situation. You are also within your rights to be angry at them. If i was a guest in someone's house, my shoes would be taken off straight away and I wouldn't take it upon myself to go into the kitchen and start cooking

Quirrelsotherface · 27/12/2021 07:42

This reply has been deleted

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DixieSun · 27/12/2021 07:45

My mums fridge is one of the main reasons we like going there. It's like a Aladdin's cave of goodies.

I hope you can loosen up enough to enjoy today and I'm sure they appreciate not having gone to bed hungry.

WildFlowerBees · 27/12/2021 07:55

I get it op, I think there are more people who feel like you than you realise. Home is your sanctuary where everything is as you like it, when that is disturbed you feel off kilter.

Doesn't make you an awful parent or person. It's almost over hang in there!

WildFlowerBees · 27/12/2021 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

sweetbellyhigh · 27/12/2021 07:58

[quote heldinadream]@Hiphopopotamus they haven't done anything wrong this is me being an emotional mess and trying to manage it. That's exactly what's going on.[/quote]
Oh boy I can relate to this. I adore people but I find it difficult to relax when people are staying. Every tiny thing out of place irritates me and then I have to be extra careful not to show irritation.

sweetbellyhigh · 27/12/2021 08:05

@namechanged221

You sound very highly strung

Kitchens can be cleaned as can the stairs....

Your family are more important than material possessions and how clean your house is.
Can you give yourself a talking to and get on with it?

That's very mean. Anxiety cannot just be switched off. Do you think anyone actually chooses to feel so uncomfortable in their own home?
sweetbellyhigh · 27/12/2021 08:08

@AllTheWeetabix

My mom sounds just like you and yeah she’s done a fair bit of damage.

They are entitled to eat ffs

Very cruel post.
sweetbellyhigh · 27/12/2021 08:10

@Newnews

I agree you need to find another way of managing your emotions other than to keep an immaculate house. I know you don’t mean to upset her but it is really very sad that your daughter and baby granddaughter have arrived to visit and your main concern is the cleanliness of your kitchen and just “getting through” their visit. All the pps who are saying that it’s ok to have boundaries, well yes it is ok, and maybe your boundary to enable you to cope would be that they don’t visit you at your own home anymore. But I think it also needs to be acknowledged that the need for that boundary is probably not healthy or is at least quite sad. Possessions do not matter in the grand scheme of things. People do. And it doesn’t even sound like they are damaging your home. I personally would never want to prevent my daughter from visiting so would look into ways to manage my emotions and need for control. Exerting control over your immediate environment calms you to a certain extent but does not really solve the issue. It’s just a temporary plaster.
It's not her main concern, it's her anxiety controlling her.

Amazing lack of emotional intelligence on this thread.

theitgirll · 27/12/2021 08:23

It's your daughter and grandchild. You'd rather they'd gone hungry to keep your kitchen clean? Woken up their sleeping baby so they could take their shoes off and save your carpets from some dirt you can hoover up in second? Really? I'm sure you're making them feel very welcome...

theitgirll · 27/12/2021 08:27

@sweetbellyhigh it's not cruel, it's factual. Spending time with someone who is meant to love you more than anyone in the world, but clearly hates your company and wants you gone, isn't great for the mental health either.
I'm so sick of 'anxiety' being treated as an excuse for absolutely everything. Feeling anxious sometimes is part of life.

sweetbellyhigh · 27/12/2021 08:28

@theitgirll

It's your daughter and grandchild. You'd rather they'd gone hungry to keep your kitchen clean? Woken up their sleeping baby so they could take their shoes off and save your carpets from some dirt you can hoover up in second? Really? I'm sure you're making them feel very welcome...
Did you actually read the OP's posts or did you just wade in to attack her?

She already feels guilty and upset. She has mental health difficulties which are exacerbated by feeling out of control in her own home.

There's really no need, and certainly nothing to be gained, by you being judgemental.

Camembear · 27/12/2021 08:29

I hope you feel better this morning op

sweetbellyhigh · 27/12/2021 08:30

[quote theitgirll]@sweetbellyhigh it's not cruel, it's factual. Spending time with someone who is meant to love you more than anyone in the world, but clearly hates your company and wants you gone, isn't great for the mental health either.
I'm so sick of 'anxiety' being treated as an excuse for absolutely everything. Feeling anxious sometimes is part of life. [/quote]
She doesn't hate their company. She loves them. She has crippling anxiety.

Just because you do not understand does not give you carte blanche to be rude. And it also comes across as very ignorant.

Misty84 · 27/12/2021 08:30

You’re just very overwhelmed OP, don’t be too hard on yourself. Christmas can be stressful and exhausting. Try and take mental breaks whenever you can (a walk is a good idea) and keep reminding yourself that this will all be over soon!! Xx

MsWalterMitty · 27/12/2021 08:32

How did you cope when they lived with you when younger?…. Surely this can’t be worse than that?! What were your coping strategies then?

roundtable · 27/12/2021 08:38

Could you go shopping or meet friends or something that you like doing to step away from it all for a while/break the day up?

I would seriously consider having a conversation with your family about your worries. But reiterate that it's how you feel and that you have/will seek help for it but you'd appreciate their support and understanding if you get overwhelmed.

My own DM is like this. But she doesn't talk about it- she just gets a bit spiteful. I can see that it's because it's all a bit much (I think she's autistic) but she really upsets some of my siblings and in-laws. I think if she was honest about how she was feeling it would make a huge difference but she's never been able to. Sad really.

Good luck op, I think the fact you recognise what the issue is, is massive and means you can probably make productive steps forward for the future.

Lostinafield · 27/12/2021 08:43

I'm autistic and get what you're saying.
Hooe you're coping okay

RampantIvy · 27/12/2021 08:44

How did you cope when they lived with you when younger?…. Surely this can’t be worse than that?! What were your coping strategies then?

I often wonder how extremely introverted parents cope with having children. It's part and parcel of being a parent that you have to engage with your children and other agencies even when you feel like retreating into yourself.

Do some people decide against having children for this reason?

Selttan · 27/12/2021 08:44

I assume this response isn't new? So surely you're daughter should be working to ease your anxiety in your own home.

I hope things look/feel better tomorrow.