People who don’t say thank you for gifts wtf

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

I have a teenage half sister who I only met a couple of years ago. I’m usually quite generous with gifts for her as we can afford it and her mother can’t/my father is extremely mean with money despite being wealthy.

Anyway this year she asked for a north face jacket. I agreed (before I realised that this was a bit of a pisstake and they start at 200£. Wtf). Anyway I had agreed so followed through and bought it. Posted to her, it’s arrived in plenty of time.

It’s 18.20 and she has not messaged a single thing. Not a sausage. Messaged my brother who spent Christmas with me and didn’t bother with a gift several hours ago to wish him a merry Christmas. AIBU to never bother with gifts for her again? Why can’t people say thank you?!? Surely you get a gift, you text a thank you?!

It doesn't sound as though you're particularly close with her (you've been strangers most of her life), so why send such an expensive gift?

Just shows there are different ideas of good manners, doesn't it.

To me, occasions like Christmas are for enjoying in the moment, with the people present. Thanks yous typically follow afterwards. The idea of spending all day on a phone, communicating with distant others, while ignoring the people in the room, strikes me as unsociable and rude.

Yes, there may be lulls in sociable activity, when phone use might be appropriate. But to me, part of the joy of a day like Christmas is relaxing into your immediate surroundings and revelling in the moment, which includes not having to stay connected to the outside world.

I send a Merry Christmas whatsapp message on Christmas morning to close fam/friends i'm not seeing on the day. My daughter is 11, and I include a thank you (and a pic of her with all her gifts) in the message - it takes me a couple of minutes max.

YANBU. We no longer buy for my SIL and her husband because they're so rude and ungrateful. They get a card and that's all. Another relative gets nothing because they felt it ok to tell us exactly what they didn't want and it was a lot 😂

I have a relative who never says thanks you. In the last 12 months I've given a baby shower gift to them, a gift for the baby when they were born which was expensive and thoughtful. And last week I too a gift round to their house for the baby and I didn't get a thank you for any of it. Very odd. And I do find it rude too. I thought yesterday they might send a text to say thank you once they'd opened the present but I didn't hear anything and I know that I won't either because they never do.
I always say thank you or send a thank you card for a lovely gift but some just don't. Maybe she will get in touch to thank you this week. I hope she does. That's a very expensive gift too!!

Tbh now I’m just more annoyed because she’s definitely lying about trying to call me. Maybe this is coming from a place of our father having been extremely strict with us re manners and everything else growing up, usually they are also v polite but my father and I are not speaking currently and I also wonder if that is now behind this.

@Doesntfeellikexmas

She’s fine. She was also on Instagram all day as I said in a previous post. I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to help her with her teenage angst, despite not feeling very close to her/not really knowing her, just because I want to help. She’s fine.

@LetsGoThenSanta

Have you ever said anything? After 5 years of FIL not saying thank you I am not bothering with his gifts anymore either!

I would cut a teenager some slack. You don't know what kind of a day she had, or whether it was possible for her to text.

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@Doesntfeellikexmas

She’s fine. She was also on Instagram all day as I said in a previous post. I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to help her with her teenage angst, despite not feeling very close to her/not really knowing her, just because I want to help. She’s fine.[/quote]
She you think she is fine. Bit you don't know.

The reason I say this is because I am close to similar situation the much younger half sibling with a shit parent, subsumed to fine and just rude by the older half siblings because they are also doing f typical teenage things.

Your dad fuels negativity towards you, from the sounds of it. You have no idea what converstations or things she has been told. Especially, if your stingy dad has realised how expensive that coat is.

All I am saying is, hold off getting f annoyed at a teenager in a fairly shit situation when their behaviour isn't usual for her.

@LetsGoThenSanta

I have a relative who never says thanks you. In the last 12 months I've given a baby shower gift to them, a gift for the baby when they were born which was expensive and thoughtful. And last week I too a gift round to their house for the baby and I didn't get a thank you for any of it. Very odd. And I do find it rude too. I thought yesterday they might send a text to say thank you once they'd opened the present but I didn't hear anything and I know that I won't either because they never do. I always say thank you or send a thank you card for a lovely gift but some just don't. Maybe she will get in touch to thank you this week. I hope she does. That's a very expensive gift too!!

The whole charade is odd. Why give if you are going to feel resentful? Give if you want to, don't if you don't.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91
I haven't said anything yet. I've done things such as message to say 'just wanted to check you've received the gift ..' and the reply has just been 'yes it's here'. Or something like that.

What I have stopped doing is buying them Birthday and Christmas presents. This time I've just bought for their baby which I still don't get a thank you for.

Still around Birthday times they'll say 'oh it's my birthday soon' and then maybe drop a hint of what they want. But I don't fall for that anymore. I used to buy whatever it was or give money towards it as a gift but I don't bother now. I think they've noticed that change, but it isn't something we've openly spoken about.
I also never receive cards or gifts from them for birthday or Christmas.

So much drama over one gift!

My 16yo asked recently for a NF jacket. She thinks beides I work full time and because DH rams a reasonable amount we can just afford it. She doesn't fully understand who much life costs altogether. My DD does ask for expensive things, but knows she might not get them- but then I'd check the price before promising.

Teenagers are often strange in their behaviour OP. As the adult you just have to roll with it, model good behaviour and politely but firmly pull them up in any rudeness.

Sulking and refusing to ever buy them a gift again is not the way forward, even if you do feel hurt. You need to Teenagers can unintentionally be really hurtful, but you have to remember they're not yet adults, and are still learning.

@sweetbellyhigh
That's why I have just said that I don't anymore apart from gifts for the baby.

@PlanktonsComputerWife

or whether it was possible for her to text

She texted my brothers so it was possible!

@Doesntfeellikexmas

I take your point re my dad, very good point indeed

I haven't said anything yet. I've done things such as message to say 'just wanted to check you've received the gift ..' and the reply has just been 'yes it's here'. Or something like that.

I was tempted to respond with this to a friend who asked me whether her Christmas gift arrived several days before Christmas the other day - she revealed what it was in the process too, which was rather annoying as I was saving it to open on Christmas Day.

She'd sent it tracked and obviously knew it had arrived, so I felt like saying "yes, it has" and hoping she never sent me a present again.

I ended up opening it and saying thank you on her timeframe, but I still hope she doesn't bloody bother next time if she's going to chase me for a thank you and insinuate that I wouldn't have replied had she not prompted me. Not to mention that she hadn't even given me a chance to fail her first!

I wouldn't dream of chasing someone who didn't thank me for a gift (and yes it has happened to me) - it's just as rude as not saying thank you in the first place.

The reason you are so cross about this is because you wish you hadn’t spent so much money - you are cross with yourself and are projecting. You are expecting her to be a grown up by thanking you immediately (I think this is personally unreasonable, we always send cards/messages/calls on Boxing Day when things have quietened down) but you failed to be a grown up yourself when she asked for the jacket. You said yourself that you think she was testing boundaries, and she clearly was! You needed to be the adult in that situation and set the boundaries where you were comfortable.

You keep going on about what an extravagant present it was, but have also mentioned that you are comfortably off and she knows this. For some people £200 really isn’t a lot of money and she clearly thinks this of you otherwise she wouldn’t have asked in the first place. And when she did ask your response made her feel like it was no problem for you financially. So she might not see it as this really amazing act of generosity from you that deserves an instant thank you. I think there has been really poor communication on all sides here, but as the adult you need to take a big chunk of responsibility.

I’d give it a few days, allow her to thank you properly in her own time, and if she doesn’t find some time to talk to her properly about it. Tell her you should have said at the time the coat was too expensive but you felt embarrassed, and that I’m future you would be need to spend less. But also that you have high expectations on thank you speed. This will avoid problems reoccurring

I think this whole situation has just made me reflect how much I really want to be involved with this part of my family. I don’t really know these half siblings - they seem like nice enough children but I have a family of my own and enough dramas with my mother and full siblings. Do I need to add into the mix my father who I didn’t see for 10 years and am back to not speaking to (he was abusive to my mother snd has now tried to sue her for something to inflict more damage after 25+ years of divorce and isn’t speaking to me as I obviously wouldn’t go along with the scheme), and these two children? I think guilt has been driving the relationship from my side but ultimately they live several hours away, it’s an odd dynamic as I haven’t known them long/only met them as an adult and I don’t know if this is all stress I need in my life.

I fully take the point re managing teenagers being difficult/different. Just not sure, as heartless as this sounds, if I can be bothered to manage it. I suppose it depends what “family” really means to me.

@LonginesPrime
The reason I had sent that is because the time had passed of where they would have opened it and I hadn't heard anything at all.
No message of thanks or saying it was there or anything. Which I have said in my previous posts they have done several times. I have never received a thank you. I was genuinely wondering if they'd received it. I don't think there's anything wrong in that.

@Cap89

It’s really hard to explain what I mean about the cost of the coat. It’s not “too much money” as in we can’t afford it. We can. So she’s correct about that and it’s silly to pretend we can’t. It’s just that we were always brought up not to ask for expensive things/not order the expensive items on menus etc, and it was my father who drummed this into us. It also goes alongside her lying to previously about wanting or needing certain items she can’t afford and then me buying them and finding out from my father she had been given a lot of cash for birthday or stuff like that. As I said I know It’s standard teenage bullshit but it’s more like “I don’t know you well enough to be on the receiving end of this cheeky fuckery and/or manipulation”. This isn’t someone I’ve grown up with or know well. Like if my MIL asked me what I want for Christmas and I said “a Prada handbag”. I mean she could easily afford to get me one, but it would be staggeringly cheeky. Snd I know my MIL a hell of a lot better than I know my half sister!

Probably didn’t like the coat so won’t say thank you possibly.

Exs daughters were like this, we would buy what they wanted then they’d open the presents and not utter a word. I never said a word either but as the years went by scaled it right down.

It’s unfortunately the way some people are, I’m glad my kids aren’t tbh. My mil gave me and the girls money (my girls have only known her 3 years and her son is my LH) for Xmas, so last night we went to see her to give her a hug and our thanks.

It sounds positive that this issue has brought your relationships into focus and has allowed you to reflect, OP.

Although I would say that it's possible to have a relationship with long-lost family without engaging in the way you would with closer family. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and I realised that growing up separately had meant that there were quite a few cultural differences (around etiquette and attitude, etc) which meant I had to modify my expectations and my interactions with them.

You could still stay in contact without them buying presents and making as much effort as you would with close siblings - it doesn't have to be all or nothing. That said, if you don't want to stay in touch with them, you're not obliged to just because they're family!

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@Doesntfeellikexmas

I take your point re my dad, very good point indeed[/quote]
Like I say, it's inly because I am close enough to a situation similar. But not one of those directly involved.

My best friend is the younger half sibling. She is younger than me. And my dp is her older half brother.

I have heard or all from both sides and they were both shocked about what they learned about the others point of view

@LonginesPrime

I guess I wanted a more distant relationship but given their age it’s always so full on! Lots of texting that they love me etc and other quite awkward sentiments I don’t really return but feel forced to if you see what I mean! You are right re etiquette and cultures of course - I’m sure that disparity only grows with time.

@ghostmouse

She sent me the link to the jacket so I’m sure it’s the right one but yes it’s rude and I’m sorry you’ve experienced it. I definitely wouldn’t let my own children behave like this!