Elderly mother using me like a slave on Xmas

[Mufasa1118]

Just a mini rant.
I'm 37, I am visiting my elderly mother for Christmas. Me and my 40 year old brother are here with my mother. I honestly feel like a slave.

She is admittedly weak on her legs. But she is also the type to get other people to do as much things for her as possible.

Since I got up, my elderly mother has demanded that I make her
-A cup of tea and her breakfast.
-Made me go out to her car to carry in two heavy bags of potatoes for her, out of her boot

• made me go out to her car, to carry in her very heavy six bags of shopping out of her back seat.
• do many other small things for her. I can't remember them all. But her attitude was bad the whole day

If she asked nicely it wouldn't be too bad. But she demands me to do it. And she is so ungrateful.
Then she guilt trips me. if I refuse to do anything she says things like "most other children would want to help their parents".

I feel upset and exhausted all day. I don't want to spend Xmas with her. But because she is elderly and alone I felt guilty this year. But next year I think I will insist on spending Xmas in my own house. I can't do it again!

I also don't want to look after her anymore full stop. She is constantly acting needy and helpless. Not just at xmas. I feel absolutely exhausted all the time. And if I don't do what she wants, then one of my aunt's will guilt trip me about not looking after my mother! I'll point out here that my mother was not a good mother at all when I was young, she was awful to us. I'm going to start putting myself first next year.

Anyone else suffering with elderly parents today?

This is nothing more than my (not elderly) parents would have me do any day of the week, but that's how we were raised and so were they. So to me, it's normal, especially if your DM isn't especially mobile.

TBH I'd suck it up a bit and just help out. Try to make her smile and cheer up a bit, but I know that's easier said than done. And no, don't go next year.

I'd give tasks back to her!

'Yes, I'll get the heavy bags from the car, here is the peeler so you can peel that pile of potatoes'

or, you offer a choice of tasks

'which would you prefer, wash those dishes or mop the floor' etc

@SilverHairedCat just to add to it. I just forgot to put this in, as I am so used to her insulting me over the years, she has also called me names so many times this christmas, she has called me

• fat
• a mean shit.
• she has insulted me and my brother so many times

She has also complained about the presents that I bought her.

I feel like I genuinely don't like her anymore after all she has said to me.
I am just here out of duty and obligation

@Mufasa1118
Hi Mufasa - I feel your pain, same here today. I am with my sisters and getting it from my mother that I did not get down on my knees and scrub her cream carpet last time I was here, so my sister is doing in now whilst cursing me. My mum is tell me that Im lazy and stupid.

Definitely some terrible traits in the family re my mums behaviour when we were children, abd my sisters desire to please.

Its probably the last Xmas we will have with my dad so I am trying to deal with it with a smile

@MrsGethinJones I totally understand! Nice to hear from someone going through the same thing. It's exhausting! I give you a hand hold.

We will get through it

Thank you! Handholding back

She sounds awful.

Have Christmas at home next year. Have her around for a few hours long as she behaves

Doesn’t sound like anything strenuous..it actually sounds normal to me. Isn’t it normal to help if you’re at her house? Do you expect her to get the shopping bags and potatoes and cook for you too? Do you want to go there and do nothing at all?

Do you have a family of your own? You sound quite lazy actually.

I wouldn’t have visited her in the first place. I’m assuming this isn’t the first time she’s been like this.

If she continues your perfectly allowed to tell her you need to leave.

You sound selfish. Carrying bags in from the car from someone elderly and frail who can’t walk and not just anybody but your own mother? Oh my god, who is going to play you in the movie adaptation?

Carrying things - well not too bad. Being insulted and called names - horrible. Make next Christmas different OP

@OhPeeQueue

Doesn’t sound like anything strenuous..it actually sounds normal to me. Isn’t it normal to help if you’re at her house? Do you expect her to get the shopping bags and potatoes and cook for you too? Do you want to go there and do nothing at all?

Do you have a family of your own? You sound quite lazy actually.

I completely agree

I have Me and struggle withthose things. If I was on my own I'd be completely teliabt on others to so those things. She's asking you to do the things she cant do .

Does she have any help during the week at all? Mayne she needs some to do the floors/lifting.

It must be so hard to want to carry on doing all the things you want to be able to do, when you can't lift potatos/shopping anymore.

Carrying bags in from the car is hardly difficult is it - at least no men have dared ask for directions today eh @Mufasa1118
Do you have a problem with being asked for help in general?

Why didn't your brother carry all the bags in from the car?

How elderly can she be, your only in your thirties! My 85yo grandparents are more able than this and wouldn’t dream of demanding this much help
It’s often learned helplessness

@Blueeyedgirl21

How elderly can she be, your only in your thirties! My 85yo grandparents are more able than this and wouldn’t dream of demanding this much help It’s often learned helplessness

She can’t walk!!

@OhPeeQueue it's not just the asking me to do things, it is her attitude. !! I feel guilty because she is old, but I really really dislike her. If she wasn't my mother , I would never ever be around ner

She insults me all the time. She has called me fat and stupid so many times. If i talk back to her, she will tell me that I am mentally ill like my father.

I thought to myself today - it's one thing being a slave, but I am not going to let myself be insulted again

This is the last year I am ever doing this. If I was brave enough I'd go no contact with her all together. I need to go very low contact with her next year

Also she isn't "acting" needy and needing people to things for her. She is needy. She is older and weak. I am unable to do those things and its horrible when well fit people dont understand how exhausting it is.

Now this doesn't mean it should be you but you seem to hold her with such contempt when she is no longer able to do these things. On xmas day I'd want to give my elderly mother a break.

However if its regular you need to discuss with her home help so she can get those things done with help and not relying on you.

As for the names. They are horrible but I try to put that in the past. Sometimes successfully!

@Blueeyedgirl21 she is 73

@SoniaFouler where does it say that genuinely think I’ve missed it? It says ‘weak’?

She can walk

I never said she couldn't walk

She can walk fine. But she will often say that her foot is a bit sore, if she doesn't want to carry things.

I can't tell if this is a joke or not....
Is this a plot of a film? I presume the potatoes are for Christmas dinner and maybe ths bags are presents.

It's totally reasonable to give back to your parents.

However, if the issue is with her being an abusive parent and you not wishing to look after her then you must decide if you want limit contact.

How did the potatoes and shopping get into the car in the first place?

Look, these are two separate issues. Lugging shopping around for your elderly mum is just what you do. The verbal unpleasantness is different though. If she is always horrible to you, then you learn ways to just ignore it. If she's never spoken to you like this before and nastiness is out of character for her, you arrange a dementia assessment after the holidays.

Have another glass of wine and think of the nice things you're going to do for yourself once you get home.