Elderly mother using me like a slave on Xmas

[Mufasa1118]

Just a mini rant.
I'm 37, I am visiting my elderly mother for Christmas. Me and my 40 year old brother are here with my mother. I honestly feel like a slave.

She is admittedly weak on her legs. But she is also the type to get other people to do as much things for her as possible.

Since I got up, my elderly mother has demanded that I make her
-A cup of tea and her breakfast.
-Made me go out to her car to carry in two heavy bags of potatoes for her, out of her boot

• made me go out to her car, to carry in her very heavy six bags of shopping out of her back seat.
• do many other small things for her. I can't remember them all. But her attitude was bad the whole day

If she asked nicely it wouldn't be too bad. But she demands me to do it. And she is so ungrateful.
Then she guilt trips me. if I refuse to do anything she says things like "most other children would want to help their parents".

I feel upset and exhausted all day. I don't want to spend Xmas with her. But because she is elderly and alone I felt guilty this year. But next year I think I will insist on spending Xmas in my own house. I can't do it again!

I also don't want to look after her anymore full stop. She is constantly acting needy and helpless. Not just at xmas. I feel absolutely exhausted all the time. And if I don't do what she wants, then one of my aunt's will guilt trip me about not looking after my mother! I'll point out here that my mother was not a good mother at all when I was young, she was awful to us. I'm going to start putting myself first next year.

Anyone else suffering with elderly parents today?

If you dont enjoy seeing here just go no contact as a new year resolution. Block her number etc.

She’s elderly. What else would she need, if not help. Honestly, it’s weird how people in here pick one thing and make it about that, where there is some other huge backstory about why they don’t get on with someone

if I refuse to do anything she says things like "most other children would want to help their parents".
Would those "other children" include your brother OP - or is it only you in Team Slave?

And if I don't do what she wants, then one of my aunt's will guilt trip me about not looking after my mother!

"And you call yourself her sister? Why are you not round her house now, doing her bidding, instead of wasting time scolding me?"

And ... wish them a cheery goodbye.
Seriously.
Your aunts can only bully you if you respond to it.

I don't normally look at an op's posting history, but @Pepsipepsi has a point!

Thanks for the replies everyone. You gave me a bit of strength.

I used to get along with my brother, but I feel my brother is now following her bad example. Yesterday he also asked me to get him drinks, to go fetch him stuff. Be would also start using me as a slave if he could get away with it. I said no.
But I just want to get away from the whole lot of them. I don't like any of my immediate family at all!

In January I am moving to a new town 2.5 hours away from my mother and brother. I can't wait to get away from the two of them

I hope you all had a nice Xmas.

I am looking forward to the new year

My brother was ordering me around yesterday aswell. To go and get him drinks. To get him things he wanted. I said no.

But the dynamic in my family is abusive. They have no respect for me. There is no kindness to me

I feel totally and utterly exhausted. As I said I'm moving to a town farther away in January so that will be good for me. Next year I am definitely spending Xmas on my own.

Does anyone on here not get along with any of their immediate family?

I get along with so many other people, but I really don't like my own family. I don't want to spend time with people I don't like. There are so many other people in the world who I do get on with

Even when I am not around my mother, I feel this terrible sense of dread and exhaustion about her. She is like a constant weight around my neck. Even when she is not there. I feel a fear of her. Because if I don't talk to her , I know she will target me through someone else - my brother or my aunty. So I just wait with dread for an angry phone call from someone

She has a psychological abusive grip on me.

I tink I need to read a few books about how to heal from abusive parents. Has anyone read any good books on this?

My parents were lovely and are no longer alive, and I get on well with my sister.

But we are currently struggling with my foster son's mother, who is mentally unwell and as a result ectremely demanding and manipulative. Fortunately I have learned a lot about setting boundaries from my support group - my late husband was an alcoholic who became abusive as a result and those skills are valuable now. It is hard, because my foster son loves his mum - but doesn't like her very much. She goes through life making no effort to seek out help and get well and expects us to drop everything and rescue her. She demands that my foster son sees her when she wants to, then when he arranges it, she cancels, then later on she blames him for not coming to see her. It's exhausting.

You're doing the right thing moving away. You'll build a family of your own from the people you will meet in your new place - people you have chosen and who have chosen you. I wish you well.

HTH

www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826/ref=asc_df_0553814826/?hvlocphy=1006876&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310834580283&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-529194111732&hvrand=13497169161764751382

Also this one

www.amazon.co.uk/Youre-Not-Crazy-daughters-narcissistic/dp/1913657116/ref=asc_df_1913657116/?hvlocphy=1006876&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=535918752477&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-1302079844823&hvrand=9705325179432183126

@CharlotteRose90

You sound lazy sorry. I’d do all those things for my mum without her even asking. Maybe she could talk to you nicely but Maybe she knows you Wouldn’t do it otherwise. We’re you expecting her to clean and cook and everything else for you? Help your mum and stop complaining.

But is your mother a toxic, narcissistic, unpleasant, abusive person? Because if not, it’s not the same.

@Mufasa1118

My brother was ordering me around yesterday aswell. To go and get him drinks. To get him things he wanted. I said no.

But the dynamic in my family is abusive. They have no respect for me. There is no kindness to me

I feel totally and utterly exhausted. As I said I'm moving to a town farther away in January so that will be good for me. Next year I am definitely spending Xmas on my own.

Does anyone on here not get along with any of their immediate family?

I get along with so many other people, but I really don't like my own family. I don't want to spend time with people I don't like. There are so many other people in the world who I do get on with

I was non-contact with my mother for around 6 years. It was the best thing I ever did for myself, it gave me time to learn to be strong and set boundaries for myself. We were back in touch during her last 3 years, and it was better because I was able to say no. Good luck in your new home OP.

@gamerchick
Sorry if you’ve had a shit life with bad relationships, but taking the shopping out of the car and making breakfast for your parents without them having to ask is basics in a normal happy family. I hope when I’m old, my children will remember how I treated my parents with love and do the same for me. You’re pathetic.

The actual tasks she has asked for help with don't seem at all unreasonable to me.

What does seem shocking is the way that she speaks to you and how she behaved when you were a child.

You don't have to help her or even see her OP. Your own well being is paramount.

[quote OhPeeQueue]@gamerchick
Sorry if you’ve had a shit life with bad relationships, but taking the shopping out of the car and making breakfast for your parents without them having to ask is basics in a normal happy family. I hope when I’m old, my children will remember how I treated my parents with love and do the same for me. You’re pathetic.[/quote]
Aw right in the feelz man

Will you also be calling your kids names while they do these things? You seem quite handy with the name calling there.....

@CottonSock I think so too!

I understand it's not about doing that but the way you're asked to do that.
Just get out of there and make your own programme. If her sisters want to take care of her, they can do it.