Elderly mother using me like a slave on Xmas

[Mufasa1118]

Just a mini rant.
I'm 37, I am visiting my elderly mother for Christmas. Me and my 40 year old brother are here with my mother. I honestly feel like a slave.

She is admittedly weak on her legs. But she is also the type to get other people to do as much things for her as possible.

Since I got up, my elderly mother has demanded that I make her
-A cup of tea and her breakfast.
-Made me go out to her car to carry in two heavy bags of potatoes for her, out of her boot

• made me go out to her car, to carry in her very heavy six bags of shopping out of her back seat.
• do many other small things for her. I can't remember them all. But her attitude was bad the whole day

If she asked nicely it wouldn't be too bad. But she demands me to do it. And she is so ungrateful.
Then she guilt trips me. if I refuse to do anything she says things like "most other children would want to help their parents".

I feel upset and exhausted all day. I don't want to spend Xmas with her. But because she is elderly and alone I felt guilty this year. But next year I think I will insist on spending Xmas in my own house. I can't do it again!

I also don't want to look after her anymore full stop. She is constantly acting needy and helpless. Not just at xmas. I feel absolutely exhausted all the time. And if I don't do what she wants, then one of my aunt's will guilt trip me about not looking after my mother! I'll point out here that my mother was not a good mother at all when I was young, she was awful to us. I'm going to start putting myself first next year.

Anyone else suffering with elderly parents today?

@3scape thanks for that answer. :)

Slaves wish they are treated that good. You aren’t being treated like a slave but you are being treated poorly. You should go low contact from the second you leave her home. If she insults you again simply stand up gather your things say calmly ‘that is the last time you ever speak to me like that’ and leave. No shouting. No upset. Just go. Anyone who tries to guilt you just hang up/ dont respond.

@Twaddle1982
It's just today I had a little cry and I thought she is only 73, I am staring into the future, I don't want to do this for another ten years, she has acted totally helpless, and wanted me to look after her since she was about 70. I keep telling her that 70s is young. But she says that she had an illness when she was a child so that is why she is weak for her 70s , and that is why I should help her.

I have to say at this point -even if she is weak from an illness as a child, I don't care! I don't like her. She has never been nice to me. I don't want to look after her. I want to have my own life

My dad is dead. My brother doesn't want much to do with my mother. It is expected of me to help her.

And I get these demands from more one angle.

If I don't contact my mother for a while, my aunty will start to send me loads of texts asking me why I am not calling my mother. My aunty also seems to think that I should be waiting on my mother hand and foot. Because my aunty knows if I don't help my mother, my aunty will then be asked to do it.

I just feel so totally trapped sometimes - with no way out, and staring into a bleak future.

I am definitely going to go low contact next year, and also delete my aunty on facebook. So she can't send me messages and guilt trip me aswell .

I'm putting myself first next year! 20

@SoniaFouler

and yes what did you expect, to go round and be waited on hand and foot? I mean you’re able to post on here so she can’t be that demanding of you.

able to post on here so can't be that demanding?

Well that's a low bar! And as to the poster who thinks op should put the abuse and nasty names in the past and accept it and just do what her mother tells her! Bloody hell!

[quote Mufasa1118]@woodenreindeer yes if it was a loving person. A person who had been nice to me when I was a child. I would look after her when she got older.

However my mother was a terrible mother. I just remember her shouting and screaming at us, when we were children. I feel like she really enjoyed mentally abusing my brother when we were young. I spent a lot of time when I was younger trying to stop her abusing my brother.
I don't like her at all as a person.

However I feel the guilt to come and see her every year.

I don't know what to do for the best.

I feel like she is ruining my mental health, every time I go to see her, I feel absolutely awful.

It feels like taboo to cut off your mother, but I feel like it would make me happy.[/quote]
Cut her off. Seriously. Cut her off.
You reap what you sow. And she hasn't changed. she's carrying on being hideous to you. Advocate for yourself and cut her off.

Exactly this. The only reason your aunt is bugging you- is because she doesn’t want to do it.

Put yourself first and form new relationships away from her.

I don’t doubt she needs some help but either she needs to be polite to the people giving it or find other people to do it.

If you live locally you may be able to deflect the demands by offering set jobs. Ie twice a month you will do a click and collect (that she pays for) from the supermarket and bring it into the kitchen for her. If she wants anything heavy she can order it in that. Have a relationship with her on your terms.

If she wants more she will have to be nicer.

If I don't contact my mother for a while, my aunty will start to send me loads of texts asking me why I am not calling my mother. My aunty also seems to think that I should be waiting on my mother hand and foot. Because my aunty knows if I don't help my mother, my aunty will then be asked to do it.

Yes. Tell her this. Tell her you don't care and she's her problem from now on. Do t give in to the shit.

I think your aunt is what's known as a flying monkey.
Ignore.

I don't see why you shouldn't help her with bags or make a tea but the names are awful

*Since I got up, my elderly mother has demanded that I make her
-A cup of tea and her breakfast.
-Made me go out to her car to carry in two heavy bags of potatoes for her, out of her boot

• made me go out to her car, to carry in her very heavy six bags of shopping out of her back seat.
• do many other small things for her. I can't remember them all. But her attitude was bad the whole day*

Most people I know would volunteer this

@MaloryPowers I didn't write all the things out that she asked me, as I would be here all day writing them out.

All I can is I have lifted so many heavy things today, that I now have bad pain in my back.

Thanks for the nice replies everyone.

I'll try to reply to more people individually later tonight. I appreciate all the answers. You are nice people

I'm sorry @Mufasa1118, I hadn't RTFT. I'd help with those things but being abusive or using helplessness to control others is completely out of order.

Thanks very much @Twaddle1982. That was nice. I appreciate it. Happy christmas

My dad is dead. My brother doesn't want much to do with my mother. It is expected of me to help her.

This expectation is coming from:
Your abusive mother who you shouldn't enable.
Your brother who has rightly said no and refuses to enable.
Your aunt who says you should do it so she doesn't have to or so she doesn't have to say no.

Time to do the same as your Aunt and Brother and say no rather than being the family doormat who everyone dumps on - because you let them

Liberate yourself. You deserve better.

If nothing else you say, this amount is my share, the rest is yours dear brother and yours dear aunt because i refuse to let you shurk and dump her solely on me any longer.

And stop being martyr to it.

Also. Block or mute is a wonderful feature on your phone.

Use it for your aunt where appropriate

OP - just walk out if she's nasty. Two years ago, I finally had enough and said (to myself), no more with my father. He was a terrible parent, my mum did everything, whilst he criticised and abused all of us. I tried to keep the peace as an adult making polite visits for years. He just spewed more and more bile - so, no more. It's liberating.

If your mother needs care and support, she can contact social services and ask to be assessed to see if she needs carers to come in. You don't have to do it - standing up to the pressure from your family will be hard, but you don't have to care for your mother. We are not under any obligation to our parents just because they gave birth to us.

My lazy sister is staying with me and has done sweet family since she arrived on Thursday.
Just asked her to make me a cuppa seeing as l have only just sat down and she feigned horror but has begrudgingly made it.
At least your mum has an excuse that she is old!! Definitely make her do jobs she can do though op.
Merry Christmas x

Sweet f a that was meant to say and having rtft l see my situation is totally different - sorry op

Honestly- you are doing her a favour by NOT doing everything for her - if you're over, say, 65 and get waited on hand and foot you will be shuffling around like a 90 year old in no time - it's a fact use it or lose it ( muscle strength) when you're older.

I am so sick and tired of the whole "she's your mother and looked after you when you were a kid so you should look after her now!" Yeah, she decided to have me. I didn't ask for it and frankly I would have preferred if she hadn't. Life is shit enough without having a dependant I haven't chosen to have.

[quote Mufasa1118]@SilverHairedCat just to add to it. I just forgot to put this in, as I am so used to her insulting me over the years, she has also called me names so many times this christmas, she has called me

• fat
• a mean shit.
• she has insulted me and my brother so many times

She has also complained about the presents that I bought her.

I feel like I genuinely don't like her anymore after all she has said to me.
I am just here out of duty and obligation[/quote]
I would just tell her how you feel about her calling you names. Some people carry on saying things as they know you will take it. The moment you let them know its not acceptable they will think twice before saying it.No point of holding things in heart and get them out. you will feel better

@RedToothBrush

Duty and obligation also should be met with respect and appreciation.

Say no. Stand up to her. Say she needs to treat you better.

If she really needs the help she can do that much. Otherwise she can be a martyr by herself

Honestly she is like this because you allow it. Set your boundaries.

This ^.

You do need to confront her and tell her exactly how you feel. The person who has been wronged usually remembers every incident but the person who wronged you usually forgets. Therefore, the past you're remembering and whatever she's remembering is not the same.

I'd definitely treat her like a child who still needs to learn some manners. Either she asks in a nice manner or whatever she's asking for doesn't get done. If she genuinely needs your help she'll think twice before she's rude to you.

So you fetched the shopping in from the car and made your mum tea and toast? That wouldn't even register on most people's radars.