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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Elderly mother using me like a slave on Xmas

118 replies

Mufasa1118 · 25/12/2021 12:10

Just a mini rant.
I'm 37, I am visiting my elderly mother for Christmas. Me and my 40 year old brother are here with my mother. I honestly feel like a slave.

She is admittedly weak on her legs. But she is also the type to get other people to do as much things for her as possible.

Since I got up, my elderly mother has demanded that I make her
-A cup of tea and her breakfast.
-Made me go out to her car to carry in two heavy bags of potatoes for her, out of her boot

  • made me go out to her car, to carry in her very heavy six bags of shopping out of her back seat.
  • do many other small things for her. I can't remember them all. But her attitude was bad the whole day

If she asked nicely it wouldn't be too bad. But she demands me to do it. And she is so ungrateful.
Then she guilt trips me. if I refuse to do anything she says things like "most other children would want to help their parents".

I feel upset and exhausted all day. I don't want to spend Xmas with her. But because she is elderly and alone I felt guilty this year. But next year I think I will insist on spending Xmas in my own house. I can't do it again!

I also don't want to look after her anymore full stop. She is constantly acting needy and helpless. Not just at xmas. I feel absolutely exhausted all the time. And if I don't do what she wants, then one of my aunt's will guilt trip me about not looking after my mother! I'll point out here that my mother was not a good mother at all when I was young, she was awful to us. I'm going to start putting myself first next year.

Anyone else suffering with elderly parents today?

OP posts:
Phrenologistsfinger · 25/12/2021 12:36

People who have never experienced toxic narc parents will all thing you are being lazy and selfish but those who get it, get it. Just because people are old, frail (and gave birth to you) does not mean they cannot be horrible, selfish, unkind people. It sounds to me like you would be entirely reasonable to lay down boundaries about how you are treated, spoken to etc. But boundaries need to be upheld and acted on when broken or they are meaningless. Head home as soon as you can, and make different plans next year. Thinking of you op Flowers

CharlotteRose90 · 25/12/2021 12:37

You sound lazy sorry. I’d do all those things for my mum without her even asking. Maybe she could talk to you nicely but Maybe she knows you Wouldn’t do it otherwise. We’re you expecting her to clean and cook and everything else for you? Help your mum and stop complaining.

SoniaFouler · 25/12/2021 12:37

[quote Blueeyedgirl21]@SoniaFouler where does it say that genuinely think I’ve missed it? It says ‘weak’?[/quote]
She is so weak she can’t carry her own shopping from her car and is 73 years old and is weak on her legs. The OP sounds rather horrid IMO. And the way she talks about her, if the OP is even admitting she is weak on her legs after her slagging Her off I imagine her ability to walk is 100x worse than she’s describing.

SoniaFouler · 25/12/2021 12:39

and yes what did you expect, to go round and be waited on hand and foot? I mean you’re able to post on here so she can’t be that demanding of you.

TwistedOlivers · 25/12/2021 12:40

If you're still there now I'd make her something to eat...or hold out for dinner, eat and then leave. Just go. If she's going to insult you all day then why sit there and take it?
And I'd be telling her exactly what I'm doing and what time I'm leaving, if she kicks off then you leave straight away.
Just because she's your Mother it doesn't give her the right to treat you that way.

Original poster
Mufasa1118 · 25/12/2021 12:40

@woodenreindeer yes if it was a loving person. A person who had been nice to me when I was a child. I would look after her when she got older.

However my mother was a terrible mother. I just remember her shouting and screaming at us, when we were children. I feel like she really enjoyed mentally abusing my brother when we were young. I spent a lot of time when I was younger trying to stop her abusing my brother.
I don't like her at all as a person.

However I feel the guilt to come and see her every year.

I don't know what to do for the best.

I feel like she is ruining my mental health, every time I go to see her, I feel absolutely awful.

It feels like taboo to cut off your mother, but I feel like it would make me happy.

OP posts:
winnieanddaisy · 25/12/2021 12:55

@Mufasa1118 . Are you just at your mums for the one day ? There is a big difference between asking you to do things and demanding them . In your place I would try and anticipate her wants/ needs today . Have your dinner and whatever , then go to your own home , open a glass of wine and put Netflix on and enjoy the rest of your Christmas.
You don't have to put up with such a nasty person just because she gave birth to you . I'd make this the last time I'd spend with her . Oh , please rescue your brother from her if you can .

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 25/12/2021 13:00

Op I've been fine this week with two elderly parents one was especially, demanding. But in great pain and physically disabled and lived alone.
Old age really can be appalling for some and even when I'm ill here I can't believe df struggled alone so much. Even simple things become so hard.
Just grin and bare it, it sounds like soon you will be relieved of it. Of course it would be nice if she was more grateful... But perhaps she's just so fed up of her situation now?

Classicblunder · 25/12/2021 13:06

My mother is like this too. People with normal loving mums don't understand.

It's the unkindness, the criticism, the shouting which isn't about being elderly, it's how they have always been. My mother will literally shout at me to come down and stop being lazy and pass her a pen which is right next to her. It's about control and bullying

bluebell34567 · 25/12/2021 13:06

why isnt the brother helping? is he precious?

Dozer · 25/12/2021 13:06

Drip feed!

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 25/12/2021 13:08

I think you will find solice on the stately homes thread in relationships. As pps say its not unusual to be asked to help out but it sounds as if there is much more going on and has been going on since childhood.

Classicblunder · 25/12/2021 13:10

@Dozer

Drip feed!
Not really. This was in the OP

my mother was not a good mother at all when I was young, she was awful to us.

user1471538283 · 25/12/2021 13:10

People with normal DMs dont get it. The OPs mother was abusive in her prime and is now abusive and demanding.

The OP is not lazy. She is sick of her life being dictated by someone who didnt care for her.

Do not go next year.

Booboobadoo · 25/12/2021 13:12

I would consider going NC. My mother is angry, unpleasant and miserable when I'm not there and angry, unpleasant and miserable when I am. I can't change her, but I can choose how to react. I chose and stepped away completely and feel immeasurably happier for it. It was hard to do, but essential for my wellbeing.

pointythings · 25/12/2021 13:12

I'm sorry you are having such a shit Christmas with your mum. However, maybe this will teach you not to judge posters on here who have difficulties with their own parents' bad behavious and then choose to go low or no contact . You're no better than they are.

Absolutely don't go back next year. It would be different if she treated you well and asked politely, but you don't have to put up with bad behaviour just because she is old and frail.

speakout · 25/12/2021 13:24

Just don't.
Seriously.
I am a carer ot two adults and Am the top of my priorirties.

Anonymouseposter · 25/12/2021 13:26

When I read your first post I thought you were very unreasonable and lazy, expecting an older person to carry in all the stuff from the car. Then I read the second post about the verbal insults and miserable attitude. You are both unreasonable and the atmosphere sounds very unpleasant.

Cyw2018 · 25/12/2021 13:32

DH and I travelled 6 hours with my 10 month old DD and dog to spend my DDs first Christmas with my mother. We travelled all day on the 23rd on arrival I was informed that I needed to go to Sainsbury's the next day to do her last minute Christmas shopping. So I had to leave DD and dog with DH and battle (and it was the busiest I've ever seen a supermarket) for the shopping, not daring to miss anything off the list despite the crush, lest I experience my mother's wrath.

Anyway this is my 3rd Christmas since going no contact (for much more serious reasons), and it's blissful.

bluebell34567 · 25/12/2021 14:15

@TwistedOlivers

If you're still there now I'd make her something to eat...or hold out for dinner, eat and then leave. Just go. If she's going to insult you all day then why sit there and take it? And I'd be telling her exactly what I'm doing and what time I'm leaving, if she kicks off then you leave straight away. Just because she's your Mother it doesn't give her the right to treat you that way.
exactly.
Octopus37 · 25/12/2021 14:41

Its so difficult, I feel for you, to me it isn't about the chores she's asking you to do, its about resentment of how she has wronged you in the past and her demands. I understand. My Dad has wronged me a lot in my adult life and when he stays with us he expects to be waited on hand and foot. He has never made me a cup of tea in our house, this sounds awful but in the past year and a bit he has spent 12 weeks in our house. Its the sense of entitlement thats hard to deal with it. I'm sure it would be easier to cope with without the resentment. No real advice, just sending some empathy.

PickAChew · 25/12/2021 14:49

On the face of it, she hasn't asked you to do a lot but the unpleasantness, with a history of unpleasantness through your life, is a problem.

You wouldn't be unjustified on having something better to do, next year. I suspect you have some FOG to deal with to get to that point, though.

PanettoneDisappointment · 25/12/2021 14:53

Look after yourself OP.Flowers

PR1CK · 25/12/2021 14:56

I could have written this a couple of years ago. demand after demand after ddennd. never asked nicely or poljetela d wasn't a good it I treated in my life or my sisters. 4 years ago I said enough but say my sister needed to maintain the martyr of the family rile.i kept begging her to stop.

0our mother died this year.

I held her hand and asked why she ne er showed interest/care/love for her family. she deliberately turned away from me but told me to fuck off. I stsied next to her
bed til. her last breath, then rang the apprioriate people.

The was no funeral - what was the point? there was noone who wanted to go and be hypocritical

walking aaway from an abusive parent is in Ehorror but thre relief is amazing.

I hope you you can walk awayy

PR1CK · 25/12/2021 14:57

PS. Good luck