Elderly mother using me like a slave on Xmas

[Mufasa1118]

Just a mini rant.
I'm 37, I am visiting my elderly mother for Christmas. Me and my 40 year old brother are here with my mother. I honestly feel like a slave.

She is admittedly weak on her legs. But she is also the type to get other people to do as much things for her as possible.

Since I got up, my elderly mother has demanded that I make her
-A cup of tea and her breakfast.
-Made me go out to her car to carry in two heavy bags of potatoes for her, out of her boot

• made me go out to her car, to carry in her very heavy six bags of shopping out of her back seat.
• do many other small things for her. I can't remember them all. But her attitude was bad the whole day

If she asked nicely it wouldn't be too bad. But she demands me to do it. And she is so ungrateful.
Then she guilt trips me. if I refuse to do anything she says things like "most other children would want to help their parents".

I feel upset and exhausted all day. I don't want to spend Xmas with her. But because she is elderly and alone I felt guilty this year. But next year I think I will insist on spending Xmas in my own house. I can't do it again!

I also don't want to look after her anymore full stop. She is constantly acting needy and helpless. Not just at xmas. I feel absolutely exhausted all the time. And if I don't do what she wants, then one of my aunt's will guilt trip me about not looking after my mother! I'll point out here that my mother was not a good mother at all when I was young, she was awful to us. I'm going to start putting myself first next year.

Anyone else suffering with elderly parents today?

You didn't seem very sympathetic the other day when someone had similar complaints about their elderly MIL Mufasa
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4433122-Please-help-me-help-Dh-with-his-awful-mum

Life is too short to hang around with people who are awful to you, family included. If your mother is that bad don't see her on Christmas Day. If you feel too guilty for that, compromise seeing her a different day of the holidays.

Tell her to stop being nasty/ a pain or she can go into a home and leave her to stew for a few hours…

Helping her out would be fine and normal if she’d been a decent loving parent but OP says she was awful when OP was a child and frequently insults her and calls her names. Honestly I’d go NC and leave her to fester in her misery. If she was unpleasant and abusive to her children she can’t expect them to help when she’s older.

@Blueeyedgirl21

How elderly can she be, your only in your thirties! My 85yo grandparents are more able than this and wouldn’t dream of demanding this much help It’s often learned helplessness

There is always someone who says stuff like this. Who cares if your 85 year old grandparents are physically able, go out hiking every weekend or for a run. The woman in the OP struggles with her mobility.

I have issues with mobility and although I can and do things, sometimes it is nice if someone else does it for me. It is just so tiring doing things that other people can do with little effort.

I work in care. There are a few clients who clearly have been cut off by their families. I'm not so foolish as to feel it's a terrible thing. There's probably a reason for it. If you want to restrict time with a relative then do. I started by cutting out times I wanted to enjoy (birthdays) being around those who I felt cared for me. It's a liberating difference.

Duty and obligation also should be met with respect and appreciation.

Say no. Stand up to her. Say she needs to treat you better.

If she really needs the help she can do that much. Otherwise she can be a martyr by herself

Honestly she is like this because you allow it. Set your boundaries.

She is treating you like this because you're allowing her to. You're not a child now, you have the choice to stand up to her and walk away if she won't stop with the name calling which is abusive btw.

You say she 'made you' do those chores. No one can make us do anything.

Start setting boundaries and if the relationship doesn't improve, minimise your contact.

Sounds awful OP. . Make this the last Christmas she gets to abuse you.

@OhPeeQueue

Doesn’t sound like anything strenuous..it actually sounds normal to me. Isn’t it normal to help if you’re at her house? Do you expect her to get the shopping bags and potatoes and cook for you too? Do you want to go there and do nothing at all?

Do you have a family of your own? You sound quite lazy actually.

Pretty much told us what type of elderly person you will become.

[quote Mufasa1118]@woodenreindeer yes if it was a loving person. A person who had been nice to me when I was a child. I would look after her when she got older.

However my mother was a terrible mother. I just remember her shouting and screaming at us, when we were children. I feel like she really enjoyed mentally abusing my brother when we were young. I spent a lot of time when I was younger trying to stop her abusing my brother.
I don't like her at all as a person.

However I feel the guilt to come and see her every year.

I don't know what to do for the best.

I feel like she is ruining my mental health, every time I go to see her, I feel absolutely awful.

It feels like taboo to cut off your mother, but I feel like it would make me happy.[/quote]
You will feel happier. I did it, the longer it goes on the better I fee. I'll never go back now, no matter how many flying monkeys come.

Some mother's need to reap what they sow OP.

I have typed 1 responses and neither are ahoqinf even though I saw them on the page, in pimk, after posting

Op who cooked Christmas Dinner today?

Can you go back home now? Is your brother on your side?

This isn't about carrying the shopping at all.
It's not hard to make breakfast or carry potatoes from the car.
Its a deep pain from constant criticism and a feeling of never being loved by your mother.
Stately homes is the place for you.
Also why isn't your brother doing some chores.

Glad it's not just me. My 'D'M is here this week and she's as much use as chocolate fire guard. Lazy, messy, sweary, face like a slapped arse. She's done sweet FA for the last 3 days and she's just gone for a nap because she's tired. All she's managed to do is go to and from my fridge for booze. I'm furious. She's not so much as made me a cuppa. Thought it would be nice to have a games night with my DD last night and she told them to stop getting so excited (they're 10 and 8!) can't wait until she sods off back home.

People who have never experienced toxic narc parents will all thing you are being lazy and selfish but those who get it, get it.

Hear, hear.

Horrible woman - 73 is not old these days.
What is your brother's relationship with her like?

@Pegasussnail

This isn't about carrying the shopping at all. It's not hard to make breakfast or carry potatoes from the car. Its a deep pain from constant criticism and a feeling of never being loved by your mother. Stately homes is the place for you. Also why isn't your brother doing some chores.

The quote about the criticism 🙌🏻

I've kept my cool with my mum because I'm aware I'm lucky to have her still and because it's not worth ruining my Christmas Day. Nothing will ever be enough for her and I hope the memories she's created staring at Facebook this week are better than the ones she could have made with my daughters.

I can't believe some of the replies in here saying that OP is being lazy and selfish etc
@Mufasa1118 Your mum sounds like a nasty old bag and I wouldn't blame you for going NC.

Carrying heavy things, doing cooking, etc for somebody who may very well be a fundamentally unpleasant person but has physical issues = not a thing, there's no deserving/undeserving values attached to disability or old age. Being grumpy/angry if it is out of character could be due to pain and fear with some people.

Being horrible/unkind/abusive for the sake of it, though = go fuck yourself.

The issue is the abuse. The way normal levels of help have been demanded rather than requested or given freely (which they may very well have been) and appreciated. And for that, it should become somebody else's problem to assist with in future.

@Mufasa1118

Just a mini rant. I'm 37, I am visiting my elderly mother for Christmas. Me and my 40 year old brother are here with my mother. I honestly feel like a slave.

She is admittedly weak on her legs. But she is also the type to get other people to do as much things for her as possible.

Since I got up, my elderly mother has demanded that I make her
-A cup of tea and her breakfast.
-Made me go out to her car to carry in two heavy bags of potatoes for her, out of her boot

• made me go out to her car, to carry in her very heavy six bags of shopping out of her back seat.
• do many other small things for her. I can't remember them all. But her attitude was bad the whole day

If she asked nicely it wouldn't be too bad. But she demands me to do it. And she is so ungrateful.
Then she guilt trips me. if I refuse to do anything she says things like "most other children would want to help their parents".

I feel upset and exhausted all day. I don't want to spend Xmas with her. But because she is elderly and alone I felt guilty this year. But next year I think I will insist on spending Xmas in my own house. I can't do it again!

I also don't want to look after her anymore full stop. She is constantly acting needy and helpless. Not just at xmas. I feel absolutely exhausted all the time. And if I don't do what she wants, then one of my aunt's will guilt trip me about not looking after my mother! I'll point out here that my mother was not a good mother at all when I was young, she was awful to us. I'm going to start putting myself first next year.

Anyone else suffering with elderly parents today?

Is this some sort of joke? But to 'help' you continue with your thread I say put her in a nursing home and steal all her jewellery.

@SallyAnn32 you made me laugh. "She is As much use as a chocolate fireguard" is a good one. :)

@BringMeTea thank you!

Next time she says you have mental health issues like your father say "obviously" should she question why? Explain that only someone who was mentally unwell would put up with her bullshit

The name-calling is horrible, but yabvu to compare carrying a couple of bags of potatoes to slavery...

Some one asked if my brother gets along with her. No, my brother doesn't get along with her either. He will come to see her at Xmas, then he won't see her for months.
He does not like her as a person.

Anyway. Xmas is nearly over thank God!