The mental load is for life, not just for Christmas!

[BillyWilliamTheThird]

We’re a week into the holidays - it really doesn’t matter which holidays as it’s the same every time - and I’m already fully worn down by the mental load of doing all the thinking for everyone.

DH does do things, but only if asked. He has zero initiative. Every day he’ll ask me what we’re doing and what’s for dinner. Dishwasher, picking up clutter, laundry, kids getting clean; none of these things happen unless I specifically request them. Why am I the guardian of Getting Shit Done?

This isn’t a monster I’ve created and am only now complaining about having to live with either. I do not martyr myself on the pyre of family life. We discuss this regularly, I frequently down tools, and my default response is “I have no idea darling.” It’s not as though he doesn’t know how much it pisses me off. I’m also not a massive clean freak with high standards; I work twice the hours he does during term time (I’m a teacher, he’s a TA) so I don’t have time to be fussy about stuff.

For context he is mildly dyslexic and 100% uses this as an excuse for being disorganised. We have a house full of Alexas to set reminders on for this reason. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a 45 year old man to think for himself but there has been very little progress on this in the two decades we have been together! Obviously his mother did everything for him. When we moved in together he didn’t know how to use a washing machine: she used to come and pick up his laundry from his flat on a Friday and deliver it back again on Sunday

So the questions are (a) AIBU and should just learn to live with it?

Or (b) am I not BU, but in which case, how do I ‘fix’ this?

I have similar and I haven't created it either. I don't do Christmas and gifts for his family (they get nothing).

I turn dinner conversations back to him, we end up with same old shit when he's in charge. The kids get to eat junk.

I leave bills to him, they go in the red even though we can afford to pay on time.

He doesn't regularly do housework.

I have no advice sadly... When I raise it I get the same answers.

Christmas is commercial/my family are shit. (he's not wrong there).

Give kids what they want to eat rather slave over a meal they reject. (I feel bad for them not having balanced and varied diet)

The bills will get paid.

I lowered my housekeeping standards to accommodate.

I think he genuinely doesn't care what people think. Whereas I as a result of my upbringing by a neurotic, sexist, controlling mother and being a girl, do.

This year because I've been struggling with mental health after losing my dad, I've been talking more with DH about mental load.

It seems he tries the day after the discussion but then quickly forgets, and we have to talk about it again a few weeks later.

He often asks me things and then when I say he should think for him self he pretends he was saying it to himself outloud to think about it. ...er, you just came into the room I'm in and asked the question! I have taken to ignoring him when he asks questions. Not all the time, but he is getting the message.

DH: where should I put this large box? (Doesn't yet have a place as was a gift)
Me: .....
DH: are you listening to me?
Me: No, I thought you were talking to your self again, why do I have to figure out where the box goes when I my struggling to put one foot in front of the other.
DH: Oh. Oh yeah, mental load, sorry. finds place to put box

Maybe I'm being a little harsh but I truly am struggling and he is slowly getting better after 12 years of me having to do all the thinking for noth of us. God knows how he copes at work....

two decades we have been together

Hi Back, meet Rod.

rainartist I draw the line at the bills. We’d absolutely be homeless and bankrupt if he was responsible for the money (we used to share the bills pre-kids and it was disastrous). It took him two weeks to get round to phoning EDF to set up a direct debit this month, despite me asking him every day.

The answer is to mentally stop taking responsibility for everything. There is no point in “downing tools” as an occasional exasperated gesture. That’s pissing in the wind.

Think carefully about what you are going to expect of him. For example, you maybe don’t want to have your kids in dirty clothes. But find the things you’re prepared to hardball on.

Dinner for example: there’s no risk in telling him that he’s cooking every Mon/Wed/Fri and then sticking to not being involved. If he didn’t buy anything? Few people can’t go to a shop there and then. Worried your kids will be crying with hunger? They won’t be, there’s always cereal - but, he needs to be the one to realise that.

You will never change him whilst you cover for him.

OP I'm sure he's a nice man but your life does sound like it would be easier without him. He doesn't sound like a fully functioning adult.

cocmarine that’s good advice and I’ll take it, thanks!

Specifically cooking dinner is not an issue though; I work long days and he doesn’t so he generally cooks in the week. But he’d have no fekkin idea what to cook and no ingredients if I didn’t write the list and plan the meals so I’ll stop doing that. Maybe he’ll learn after a year or two of having no food and no idea…

coochyboochy my life would be rubbish without him, both emotionally and practically! This is 100% not a LTB situation. Either he needs to change or I do or we both do a bit, hence the question in my OP.

Loads of men just don't care. If their wives stopped doing shit, they wouldn't necessarily start doing it all. For example, I do all the cooking. If I don't cook,dh eats beige freezer food. If I stopped cooking permanently, he'd eat beige freezer food till the end of time!

Why do you need to fix this? Tell him he's got 2 weeks to learn to adult under the family roof, or he can adult in his own style under his own roof from the 2nd week of 2022.

My DH has got so, so much better over the years. I still bang on about mental load and I still do more, BUT he has got better. I think you just have to be super clear. So for example, I nearly always cook. I used to clear up too. One day, after dinner, I just sat on the sofa and said, ‘can you clear up please?’. Now he does it nearly every night. It’s been a very gradual process, and there are some things I’ve had to accept he will never be in charge of, and I’ve made my peace with that. (School admin, Christmas and birthday preparations, food shopping, most cooking).

@BillyWilliamTheThird

cocmarine that’s good advice and I’ll take it, thanks!

Specifically cooking dinner is not an issue though; I work long days and he doesn’t so he generally cooks in the week. But he’d have no fekkin idea what to cook and no ingredients if I didn’t write the list and plan the meals so I’ll stop doing that. Maybe he’ll learn after a year or two of having no food and no idea…

If he cooks, then he absolutely does KNOW what to cook, and what to shop for. But why would he bother when you do that?

If he needs a list and you want to create that list - fine. But do it once. A meal plan - 7 days or alternating weeks, whatever suits you. Create the ingredient list around that. Once. Let him sink or swim. No tinned tomatoes on spagbol Tue? Well off ye fuck to Tesco then, darling.

Hmmm. My partner is exactly like this, right down to the Alexa reminders, and was also diagnosed as dyslexic as a child.

As an adult he sought additional help, and it turns out he actually has ADHD. Getting this diagnosis has helped hugely because he's been able to get medication to help him focus. It's also helped with figuring out strategies to help him. For instance, visual reminders help. He struggles with anything involving bureaucracy or paperwork (I made the mistake of putting him in charge of our water bill once and it went unpaid for months because he apparently couldn't figure out how to pay it) so I tend to deal with that sort of thing and he deals with the more physical tasks like lawnmowing, bins, floors etc. Because he doesn't think to do tasks like this spontaneously, I find routine works best so I give him his own specific tasks e.g. he knows that every weekend it's non negotiable that he needs to vacuum and mop.

I don't know what else to suggest really, I have somewhat resigned myself to always being in "charge" of what needs doing.

Sarahlou excellent point. I’m not doing the ultimatum, but you’re right that it’s not up to me to fix things. That’s habitual isn’t it? I’m so used to things being my responsibility

Oh and with cooking - we use one of those services where they deliver all the recipes and ingredients every week. It's really worth it as it takes some of the mental load off me, and means we aren't eating random meals made with whatever DP happens to find in the freezer.

I think the people who don't do stuff unless it's spelled out to them, just don't care about it as much as their partner.

So they'll clean something if asked, but genuinely don't notice or care if it's dirty.

They'll cook a meal from scratch if asked but don't care if it's a ready meal or a takeaway.

They ask where to put the box because if it was up to them the box could cheerfully sit in the hallway forever more but they know their partner won't like that, so they ask.

The men I know who were like this in marriages did not suddenly become domestic goddesses when they divorced and were forced to think for themselves - they still don't notice dirt, eat badly and leave clutter lying around. They don't notice and they don't care. So if you want a dh who thinks like you, make sure he does before you move in with him.

@fourminutestosavetheworld yes exactly! My DH honestly didn’t ‘see’ stuff. He still doesn’t see everything, but is better. Like for example, he might say he’s ‘tidied’ downstairs. I’ll go down and can see another 5 things that need doing. I’ve also learnt to relax my standards a bit.

violetbunny that’s interesting. My DH definitely isn’t ADHD, and his dyslexia is very mild. In my job I spend lots of time teaching people to work with their SEND rather than using it as an excuse which is absolutely what my DH does. I like your approach though, but I think it’d work for about a week with my DH as his fundamental problem is being a lazy fucker and I have allowed that to embed

It took him two weeks to get round to phoning EDF to set up a direct debit this month, despite me asking him every day.

Why would you do that? Surely it would be far less stressful to phone them yourself in the first place? These posts irritate the hell out of me, they completely lack any concept of how teams work. In this house we play to our strengths - I’m a useless cook so he does it all and we meal plan together. All that’s happening in the EDF example is that you’re setting him up to fail. And you’re still taking the mental load because you’re nagging him. The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result.

blossomtoes you’re absolutely right of course, except that I work 11 hours a day and he works 6. He gets home at 4pm at the latest. So calling an energy company is well within the scope of his day and is not in mine (I’m a teacher, he’s a TA).

@BillyWilliamTheThird

rainartist I draw the line at the bills. We’d absolutely be homeless and bankrupt if he was responsible for the money (we used to share the bills pre-kids and it was disastrous). It took him two weeks to get round to phoning EDF to set up a direct debit this month, despite me asking him every day.

Are you seriously saying that your husband is so useless that he'd become homeless or have his utilities cut off if he lived alone, purely because he can't set up direct debits?

This is no help to you whatsoever since you've already said for you leaving isn't what you want, but since you asked - I wouldn't tolerate this. I don't want to, id rather be single.

That’s a bit smug though, despite being food advice, “they completely lack any concept of how teams work. In this house we play to our strengths.”

I know exactly how teams work.
In my current, second, marriage - we’re an excellent team and we understand each other’s strengths.
But in my first marriage? He did almost nothing. He was good for DIY, but a minimal amount was required. That was pretty much it. And no, I didn’t know before we moved in together, because when there wasn’t someone to lazily leave it to, he did manage to clean up after himself, for example.
Obviously I found a solution eventually: divorce.

But his lack of contribution wasn’t my lack of understanding of team work, thank you. My current marriage works like clockwork on the tasks front.

So how do you propose one should play to strengths, when the other party has no intention of using theirs?

@BillyWilliamTheThird

violetbunny that’s interesting. My DH definitely isn’t ADHD, and his dyslexia is very mild. In my job I spend lots of time teaching people to work with their SEND rather than using it as an excuse which is absolutely what my DH does. I like your approach though, but I think it’d work for about a week with my DH as his fundamental problem is being a lazy fucker and I have allowed that to embed

I have adhd and also dyslexia, i thought that when i first read ur first OP, im intrested how u know its definitely not adhd? Has he been tested? I dont know about using it as excuse becuase i find all u mentioned a struggle. Its not an excuse its a fact. Yes u try and find thinks that work but its exhausting and wouldnt wish it in anyone

I think Cocomarine is on the money.

I feel your pain however as it’s a 20-yr+ ongoing issue in my house too. We have the discussions, I do strategic ignoring of issues he’d like me to solve but is capable of doing himself, it has improved as the DC have got older and more independently capable (& sometimes call him out on being a bit lazy!) It’s slow progress though.

I read something recently which I’m going to make a point of telling my DH “All points expire at midnight”. So much of domestic life admin and shitwork is constant and ongoing - laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. Just because you did it on Tuesday doesn’t mean you’re exempt on Weds, Thurs and Friday, or get to keep brownie points for ‘trying’.

All points expire at midnight. We go again.