The mental load is for life, not just for Christmas!

[BillyWilliamTheThird]

We’re a week into the holidays - it really doesn’t matter which holidays as it’s the same every time - and I’m already fully worn down by the mental load of doing all the thinking for everyone.

DH does do things, but only if asked. He has zero initiative. Every day he’ll ask me what we’re doing and what’s for dinner. Dishwasher, picking up clutter, laundry, kids getting clean; none of these things happen unless I specifically request them. Why am I the guardian of Getting Shit Done?

This isn’t a monster I’ve created and am only now complaining about having to live with either. I do not martyr myself on the pyre of family life. We discuss this regularly, I frequently down tools, and my default response is “I have no idea darling.” It’s not as though he doesn’t know how much it pisses me off. I’m also not a massive clean freak with high standards; I work twice the hours he does during term time (I’m a teacher, he’s a TA) so I don’t have time to be fussy about stuff.

For context he is mildly dyslexic and 100% uses this as an excuse for being disorganised. We have a house full of Alexas to set reminders on for this reason. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a 45 year old man to think for himself but there has been very little progress on this in the two decades we have been together! Obviously his mother did everything for him. When we moved in together he didn’t know how to use a washing machine: she used to come and pick up his laundry from his flat on a Friday and deliver it back again on Sunday

So the questions are (a) AIBU and should just learn to live with it?

Or (b) am I not BU, but in which case, how do I ‘fix’ this?

It doesn't get around the mental load aspect I suppose but I've had some success with lists.

There's always a list of chores on the windowsill, for both of us. Would he respond to you asking him to do three things off the list when he gets home from work earlier than you op? I really don't think he's going to suddenly start noticing things for himself. As you know, lists are one way that dyslexic pupils learn to manage their workload.

@Blossomtoes

It took him two weeks to get round to phoning EDF to set up a direct debit this month, despite me asking him every day.

Why would you do that? Surely it would be far less stressful to phone them yourself in the first place? These posts irritate the hell out of me, they completely lack any concept of how teams work. In this house we play to our strengths - I’m a useless cook so he does it all and we meal plan together. All that’s happening in the EDF example is that you’re setting him up to fail. And you’re still taking the mental load because you’re nagging him. The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result.

I was thinking this my husband is awful at ringing up places to do things. I hate it too but i appreciate he struggles so i try and do it, its about working as a team.

blossomtoes oh, and we do play to our strengths. My strength is earning 5 times what he does and working twice the hours in my paid job. He wouldn’t be able to do what I do as a job and has never had the earning potential I do (definitely not the issue here though).

First, he's not listening or understanding. I would seriously try writing him a letter. Explain how it makes you feel to be parenting him and to be taking it all on. A letter also allows you to do it without getting into a fight. I did this recently on something similar but different and it was helpful b because in person I would have been upset and DH would have been defensive.

Then, stop assuming he will see what needs to be done and instead agree together that he has to be responsible for specific tasks. eg, the dishwasher is now his problem. That means twice a day he needs to check and either empty it or fill it/turn it on etc. Bedding is now his problem and every monday he must change the bedding and put the dirty bedding on to wash. etc etc.

If he is not willing to take responsibility for these tasks, he needs to understand this is a clear sign to you that you are not important and your feelings are not considered important.

@BillyWilliamTheThird

blossomtoes you’re absolutely right of course, except that I work 11 hours a day and he works 6. He gets home at 4pm at the latest. So calling an energy company is well within the scope of his day and is not in mine (I’m a teacher, he’s a TA).

I read a while back, the interpretation that procrastination isn’t rooted in laziness, but in anxiety - a fear of knowing how to do things. I had previous felt annoyed with myself for being lazy, but since I read that, I do take a moment when I’m putting off a task to say, “OK, what about this is stopping you?”

And sometimes - absolutely it’s laziness! Looking at the broken garden chair waiting to go to the tip…
But I’ve been surprised at how often it’s been true for me - that there’s something about the task I’m not sure about.

I appreciate that this is on the side of “fixing” him… but if he doesn’t call to sort out a direct debit for 2 weeks in a row, maybe, “what stopped you?” (as a genuine question) is more productive than, “do it tomorrow then, FFS”.

You don’t want to be micromanaging that every time of course.. but maybe HE could start asking HIMSELF- why didn’t I do that?

The other thing I like to remind people not pulling their weight in my household is that if I am to be Chief Thinker and Household Manager then I am not going to be the labourer too. Managers manage, delegating tasks and expecting to see results. They don’t do the shitwork themselves.

So if they want help with shitwork labour, they also have to take on some management thinking as I am not doing it all.

It’s a good speech. As I say, in practice it is a harder effort!

Bling yes! That has worked in the past for us too. Not sure why I didn’t think of it. Will get on it this evening I think.

Someone mentioned lists; we’ve done this in the past but it seems to work for a week and then the list gets ignored and I end up reminding him to check it which kind of defeats the point!

Nosquirrels I love this. Being a manager and not a doer? Perfection. It’s a tad passive aggressive but I’m past caring. I’ll put it in my letter

I was married once and have been in various long term relationships. Dysfunctional and / or selfish is what I decided about all if them. It's endemic. My only solution in all cases was to get rid.

Hope you manage to get him on board a bit and at least enjoy some of the festive period yourself. Some space and time to yourself might help too.

Luckily my teacher husband had his own house when we married so he knew things like how to clean a cooker etc which I did not as I was a student and I was happy to continue my less less competent role throughout... If both people are similar it's fine and in our case it was probably 50/50.

Solutions for us included when we could afford it morning housekeeper/cleaner and when children under 5 day nanny including in school holidays. Second thing at one point in the 9190s we took all 3 children skiing to a very cheap hotel for Christmas so I had nothing to do other than pack a few presents in a suitcase for the children. That made a vast difference to Christmas for me. yet even now in 2021 now I am single I will be the one doing a lot of the cooking over 2 days but as I don't cook for any of them the rest of the year I can live with that and I don't cook the vegan food so that person does their own.

We also found if one person has 100% responsibility that works well - eg my husband did 100% of the washing at one point eg we had 3 children under 4 and 3 in nappies (cloth nappies) at night - lots of washing in the 1980s. I wasn't even sure how to work the washing machine and never thought about washing whereas I did our family admin, tax returns and combed the girls' hair etc every day. My husband took the children to the dentist for 17 years and I never did and more importantly he thought about it and booked it, same with hair cuts.

We also put the washer and dishwasher on when we had a cleaner so she had to put it all away (the longer task and the same with the dried washing)

I guess you need to start to change what you can. Can you as a last gasp move list 10 meals and each week he needs to cook 3 of them for Monday Tuesday Wednesday? That way they are healthy meals not beige but he hasn’t had to think of them (massive eyeroll that he can’t but working with it for now). Fwiw I think the ‘he just doesn’t care about home cooked meals’ falls to pieces once there are dc. They need decent food for their little growing brains and someone who can’t be arsed cooking for them is basically logging out of parenting so I have zero tolerance. Other options: he cleans up dinner and if it’s not done he can sleep on the sofa, you are done sharing a bed with a man who can’t work out basic household tasks, if he doesn’t improve enough to get off the sofa then you’re headed divorce st.

Coco that’s also an excellent point. You’re amazing. This is why I came here! Thank you.

He manages to do his job, doesn't he? I know it won't involve the same level of responsibility and long hours that your job does but presumably he has to keep records and do reports and stuff like that. So he's not a wholly incapable human being. If he finds sorting stuff at home (meal planning etc.) difficult, he needs to practice more until he gets good at it. Presumably that's what he would tell a pupil who was struggling to do something.

I would offer him a choice. Either he gets better at taking on his share of the mental load (and that should be most of it, given you work much longer hours). Or he gets a second job for one day at the weekend and you use the money to pay for a cleaner and other help at home to take the load off you. He can't have it both ways.

@NoSquirrels

The other thing I like to remind people not pulling their weight in my household is that if I am to be Chief Thinker and Household Manager then I am not going to be the labourer too. Managers manage, delegating tasks and expecting to see results. They don’t do the shitwork themselves.

So if they want help with shitwork labour, they also have to take on some management thinking as I am not doing it all.

It’s a good speech. As I say, in practice it is a harder effort!

I do this. If you’re only doing what you’re told you’re menial labour and you need to jump when I say jump. If we’re a team we can split the work between us. We manage team mostly these days, although there’s still more load on me, it’s offset by dh doing most meal planning and shopping.

I was thinking myself of this which is why I have done the bare minimum for Christmas.

All year it's a juggling act to keep the house running, the family fed, the 101 minuscule needs of everyone met, the. Go out to work. Add holidays like Christmas on top and I am just done.

DH will do stuff but only when asked. He never does things without instructions. He will also rope me into projects....let's move the TV to another wall and get a big one. Then leave me to figure out placement, buy new sofas to accommodate TV, think about the wiring and how to hide it, rearrange the whole room and rehang pictures, mirror etc to accommodate new TV. All he did was buy the thing. I'll probably have to end up redecorating because of all the furniture moves.

It's taken me years to realise why I hate Christmas as an adult but loved it as a kid.

goldbar also excellent. We have a cleaner (cheaper than a divorce) but I spend the evening before she comes nagging everyone to tidy up so she can clean rather than tidying. Perhaps he could work more hours so she has time to do laundry as well and I don’t end up nagging about that one particular thing at least. Or we could afford a Hello Fresh box a couple of evenings a week so I don’t end up doing all the meal planning!

Same here. Mine has diagnosed ADHD but won’t do anything to try and help himself. I’m basically done at this point. I’m exhausted by the mental load and the having to keep track of everything for him as well as for me. He’s in a high flying job, so clearly he can do it, he just chooses to prioritise work.

Well that’s fine. He can keep in prioritising it while I build a life with someone else.

Particularly feel they comment above about why Christmas now sucks.

@LoveaStatementNap

Same here. Mine has diagnosed ADHD but won’t do anything to try and help himself. I’m basically done at this point. I’m exhausted by the mental load and the having to keep track of everything for him as well as for me. He’s in a high flying job, so clearly he can do it, he just chooses to prioritise work.

Well that’s fine. He can keep in prioritising it while I build a life with someone else.

Particularly feel they comment above about why Christmas now sucks.

U obviously need to do what u need to do, but with adhd we can be hyper foucsed on something that interests us which i assume is his particular job. It doesnt mean its he chooses to do job, so can choose to do other things. It just means job is easier and less mental work to do

I have had pretty much exact conversations as the OP.
I started really pushing the imbalance in mental load at the start of 2021. I wrote a list of all the things I am responsible for.

Of course DH told me he did lots of things. No similar list materialised.
Few months went by, argument flared up again. No list, just words of how much he does.
Months went by again, more arguments.

I started to think, even if he does take on X Y Z i would still be retaining the mental load of checking. Then I thought, “what do I really want?”
What I really wanted was more sleep!

A few weeks ago I said to DH, this list of everything you do still isnt forthcoming, it’s been nearly a year. We can continue to argue about this or I can retain the mental load in exchange for you getting up with the boys in the morning. He accepted this.

I don’t mind doing all the mental load, being honest with myself I would retain either the doing or the chasing up!
Now I get extra time in bed in the morning whilst knowing all ML stays with me & I need to do the shopping etc (we have a cleaner) but that’s fine, now I feel there is an exchange & things are fair.
I feel there has been less tension from me towards him since the agreements (the extra sleep might be helping )

YANBU- I always thought DH and I had the balance pretty much spot on, but I gave birth to our second baby 2 weeks ago, and in spite of the stitches and mastitis and general all-over-body pain I’ve still found myself doing the laundry every day and making the beds etc because if I don’t do it, it won’t get done. I was explaining to him how much of a physical wreck I feel and that it shouldn’t be left to me to do all these things, and he actually uttered that well known catchphrase “just tell me what needs doing and I’ll do it”. I could’ve throttled him. Nobody tells me what needs to be fucking done!

@Kickers567

This year because I've been struggling with mental health after losing my dad, I've been talking more with DH about mental load.

It seems he tries the day after the discussion but then quickly forgets, and we have to talk about it again a few weeks later.

He often asks me things and then when I say he should think for him self he pretends he was saying it to himself outloud to think about it. ...er, you just came into the room I'm in and asked the question! I have taken to ignoring him when he asks questions. Not all the time, but he is getting the message.

DH: where should I put this large box? (Doesn't yet have a place as was a gift)
Me: .....
DH: are you listening to me?
Me: No, I thought you were talking to your self again, why do I have to figure out where the box goes when I my struggling to put one foot in front of the other.
DH: Oh. Oh yeah, mental load, sorry. finds place to put box

Maybe I'm being a little harsh but I truly am struggling and he is slowly getting better after 12 years of me having to do all the thinking for noth of us. God knows how he copes at work....

My DH does the pretending he was thinking out loud thing too! My favourite is when we go somewhere new to both of us and he says "where shall we park?" Every time!

My DF is like this. DM did everything.

They split. DM lives in a tidy home, pays her bills, eats healthy meals.

DF lives in a hovel. It's like the before in Marie Kondo/ how clean is your house. He hasn't done anything that would count as cleaning in the 20 years since they split.

He washes his clothes and puts the dishes in the dishwasher. He goes food shopping and cooks reasonable meals.

He will fix something that's broken.

But hoovering, bed sheet changing, toilet/bath/sink wiping, tidying, dusting, most life admin he just doesn't do.

When things get critical DM/ family have to step in to 'rescue' him, which he doesn't even appreciate!

It is so frustrating!

All that wasted life of DM's cleaning for him when he clearly would choose to live in filth!

He has no shame.

Mine likes to ask me questions that should be asked to DC. E.g. "what does dc1 want for dinner?" No idea! Ask him yourself!

Type out a list of every single one of the household jobs that need doing and print out several copies.
Each day/week tick off the jobs that need doing and present to your DH. Then it’s his job to do most of the housework/cooking/laundry and your job to be manager and pick up any extra jobs that occur.

If he really wants to develop better habits, point him in the direction of flylady or A Slob Comes Clean blog/ some YouTube videos.