The mental load is for life, not just for Christmas!

[BillyWilliamTheThird]

We’re a week into the holidays - it really doesn’t matter which holidays as it’s the same every time - and I’m already fully worn down by the mental load of doing all the thinking for everyone.

DH does do things, but only if asked. He has zero initiative. Every day he’ll ask me what we’re doing and what’s for dinner. Dishwasher, picking up clutter, laundry, kids getting clean; none of these things happen unless I specifically request them. Why am I the guardian of Getting Shit Done?

This isn’t a monster I’ve created and am only now complaining about having to live with either. I do not martyr myself on the pyre of family life. We discuss this regularly, I frequently down tools, and my default response is “I have no idea darling.” It’s not as though he doesn’t know how much it pisses me off. I’m also not a massive clean freak with high standards; I work twice the hours he does during term time (I’m a teacher, he’s a TA) so I don’t have time to be fussy about stuff.

For context he is mildly dyslexic and 100% uses this as an excuse for being disorganised. We have a house full of Alexas to set reminders on for this reason. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a 45 year old man to think for himself but there has been very little progress on this in the two decades we have been together! Obviously his mother did everything for him. When we moved in together he didn’t know how to use a washing machine: she used to come and pick up his laundry from his flat on a Friday and deliver it back again on Sunday

So the questions are (a) AIBU and should just learn to live with it?

Or (b) am I not BU, but in which case, how do I ‘fix’ this?

Also, it sounds like he uses dyslexia as an excuse for being useless. Surely that's insulting to dyslexics and an easy cop out for him?

Someone on another thread recommended this:

www.fairplaylife.com/about-the-book

An half way through and think it could be good.

@BillyWilliamTheThird

coochyboochy my life would be rubbish without him, both emotionally and practically! This is 100% not a LTB situation. Either he needs to change or I do or we both do a bit, hence the question in my OP.

It's a matter of the two of you meeting somewhere in the middle. My OH had a flat and lived on his own before we married. It was untidy, dusty, reflected him. We married I did some more cleaning and asked him to clear some of his clutter, he just picked lots of his stuff and took it to the tip. I thought he was getting at me for telling him to clear up but really most stuff just wasn't that important to him and he'd have a clear out when he needed.

If your OH is a good man you may have to adapt as he will need to adapt to you. Two people being inflexible isn't a good thing.

I was in hospital for a while, he brought the girls in to visit znd they seemed OK. When I got home the house was untidy, lots of toys everywhere, but the girls were fed, loved and happy, all their clothes were washed and pressed. I decided having someone who loved and cared for the girls and me was worth an untidy house.

Thanks for all the replies and some excellent advice. I’ll definitely give that book a try suspiciousmind, thank you.

As an update, the utter goon was supposed to book us to go to a local theatre company tomorrow. We go every Christmas Eve; we don’t have many Christmas traditions but this one’s really important to me and the kids. He booked it for Boxing Day. He had literally one thing to do and he fucked it up.

Right now half of me is telling myself it doesn’t matter that we’re going on Boxing Day, it’s not the end of the world. The other half of me is ready to LTB. I’m too cross to write the letter that was suggested upthread so it’ll have to wait til the morning.

I’m going to reread all of your replies too, and do some hard thinking.

There are quite a lot of posts on here from people complaining that their dp never makes a decision without asking them about it first, but then grumbling that, when they do make a decision, they get it wrong. I wonder whether all those DP's who avoid making phone calls and so on are at least a little bit anxious that they'll fuck it up and get told off.

No advice as such but just wanted you to know that someone out there is feeling your pain! 😅😬 This is why I'd rather just go away every Christmas so I don't have to instigate EVERYTHING

Do you question your own relationship boundaries? ie why you got engaged to someone so incompetent? Why didn't this bother you before?

If you earn 5 times as much you can pay people to do these things.

Dh is fab at most things. I enjoy my mental load. Very occasionally it gets too much and then I tell DH and ds's that I'm struggling and that they need to step up to the mark and help me a bit, this seems to work ok.

Personally I willingly accept the mental load. I am too particular and am never satisfied with how someone else does it. I like directing. As long as dp is happy to follow an instruction I don't mind doing the thinking bit.

Rota on the wall
Share out jobs to every family member
Weekly and daily
Then he looks at his name and the day and it tells him what he needs to do.

We have a house full of Alexas to set reminders on for this reason.
But do you/DH actually set reminders and use the Alexas for this purpose? I wonder jf the Alexas are too 'all-household' rather than 'DH-specific'.
I fixed the issue with my DH, after years of pain, by allocating him set chores and getting him to set recurring alarms on his phone to remind him to do them. He ONCE cancelled an alarm without doing the chore and I put the fear of death into him and he's never done it again.
Yes you have to be involved in the initial set up, but then you can step away.
This leaves me to pick up ad hoc tasks without too much resentment. And I'm grateful that DH has always done the food shopping and most of our cooking anyway.

Nothing helpful to say OP except arghhhhh. I wouldn't mind so much if they were good at gardening and kept it immaculate sorted the car out and were good at DIY but zi used to do all of that AS WELL when I was married. Both ex husbands. I. Blessed single because I have the menopause and no time for any of that crap any more. I remember going out one day to find he'd left a his expensive motorbike tools in a massive puddle of water for months and they were all completely rusty and ruined.

My dad is like that @fourminutestosavetheworld

He says whats the point in doing things as he s always told he s done them wrong if he didn't do it exactly as my mum would have done it.

Im lucky with DH. A lot of the menial tasks and mental load is shared. It wasn't like this at first as he was brought up by a single mum who did everything for him. He didn't even know how to cook. However after living with me and preferring my cooking to ready meals, he's learnt how to cook and it's now shared evenly.

He's always been cleaner and tidier than me which is a plus. On the downside I have to manage all the medical mental and physical load for our 2 DSes who have SN. Appointments, prescriptions, communication with the school etc. But thats cos a) I was proactive in getting the diagnoses (he stuck his head in the sand) and b) I work fewer hours. It is exhausting though and I wish I didnt have it.

I do more for Christmas. He organises the holidays. I sort out the DC old clothes/new clothes and shoes. He pays

I think patience is needed and agree with PP about being flexible. You married him and committed to him as a person and presumably he has some good points and is a good father. Its time to work with him and not against him- the face you're going to the show on boxing day rather than xmas eve is not really a big deal.

I think it will be hard to change the fact you have the mental load but what you could do is have "systems" in place so that things are better organised and things dont get forgotten. I loosely follow the fly lady system when one day a week is meal planning (could you do this together on a Sunday and plan meals for the week nights?)- having your DH involved will get him to have to actually think about the process then you could order all the food and he do a click and collect?/delivery? If the meal plan is written up on the wall and all the ingredients there then there shouldn't be an excuse for not cooking healthy meals. Plus all healthy snacks already bought in for the start of the week- no excuse for feeding the kids junk. You have a cleaner once a week so the other thing is laundry. If you put in a load in the washing machine the night before dh can put it in the drier in the morning and put it away in the afternoon when hes at home/evening. Once systems have been established it shouldn't be that hard for him to get things done. Also declutter your house as much as possible so its less "inventory" for you to manage. Minimise your schedule. You keep mentioning that your DH earns less than you but you knew this when you married him and you need to work with who he is rather than what you want him to be and this applies in all areas. Marriage is not easy (for most people anyway) and its so easy to get resentful but your DH is your kids father so no one will love them like he does. Try and focus on his good points and not let this destroy your marriage.

Add up all the physical load and the mental load and split 50/50. If he can't forward plan or take initiative that's fine so he takes all the routine daily jobs

@BillyWilliamTheThird

blossomtoes oh, and we do play to our strengths. My strength is earning 5 times what he does and working twice the hours in my paid job. He wouldn’t be able to do what I do as a job and has never had the earning potential I do (definitely not the issue here though).

That's the problem isn't it? My oh is also shit at the mental load but I work part time and he works full time. He also earns x5 what I do. So we work to our strengths. Unfortunately you seem to have most of the strengths! And you can't do it all. I agree with one of previous posters pick your battles. Let him deal with housework/cooking etc and maybe you do bills. And try not to get involved although I know it will be hard. You have a right to be annoyed though. I feel same with my oh I think "just write it down or put a reminder in your bloody phone!" It's not hard but for some reason it is to him. And yet my oh is great in other ways.

I hate this idea that ADHD causes useless husband syndrome.

I have ADHD, work full time, look after my home and dc on my own. We function just fine. Maybe I sign school forms with crayon the morning before they are due, maybe the Christmas presents aren't wrapped yet, maybe I sometimes find the tin opener with the wine glasses, but I manage to pay bills on time, feed my dc vegetables, etc etc.

Having ADHD doesn't make me a lazy arse, although I am a bit more chaotic than others, maybe. If I care about it (home & children), I sort it. End of.

When I split from my dc's father the clutter, mess and chaos decreased substantially. He just didn't give a shit about being tidy and organised whilst I genuinely have executive dysfunction, care a lot, but struggle to start/maintain order. Big difference.

Management/organisation is a task so if you're doing that then he needs to be doing something equally time consuming or mentally taxing. Eg. I write a meal planner - DH shops for and cooks most of the meals.

DH and i have divided a lot of tasks reasonably well. What we found works for us is to have a very clear agreement about who does what when. Monday night is for household tasks. One of us does the weekly foodshop, the other cleans. Cooking, we cook alternate nights and write the shopping list together. I do all the house-related admin, DH does most stuff to do with the car.

The main thing that's unequal is big/occassional stuff such as house move, holiday planning, etc. Party because I care more about holidays, DH is more of a let's just see what happens attitude. He has mentioned several times he wants us to go on a couple of weekends away this winter. I know he has researched places, I'm just waiting for him to book it. I would not be surprised if he leaves it too late and everywhere will be booked, but I've decided it's not my problem.

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I think the people who don't do stuff unless it's spelled out to them, just don't care about it as much as their partner.

So they'll clean something if asked, but genuinely don't notice or care if it's dirty.

They'll cook a meal from scratch if asked but don't care if it's a ready meal or a takeaway.

They ask where to put the box because if it was up to them the box could cheerfully sit in the hallway forever more but they know their partner won't like that, so they ask.

The men I know who were like this in marriages did not suddenly become domestic goddesses when they divorced and were forced to think for themselves - they still don't notice dirt, eat badly and leave clutter lying around. They don't notice and they don't care. So if you want a dh who thinks like you, make sure he does before you move in with him.

I agree.

Op, yabu, because you knew what he was like before you married him.

@fourminutestosavetheworld

There are quite a lot of posts on here from people complaining that their dp never makes a decision without asking them about it first, but then grumbling that, when they do make a decision, they get it wrong. I wonder whether all those DP's who avoid making phone calls and so on are at least a little bit anxious that they'll fuck it up and get told off.

Mmm, this one irritates me quite a bit. It is true, yes, that sometimes a woman can be extremely particular eg god forbid he cuts the carrots in rounds instead of batons for the kids dinner. But in most cases, I think this is just a bollocks excuse. Like OP's husband above - he's cocked up the booking for the theatre. This is going to be a classic example of where he gets to whine that he won't bother if every time he does something, she gets upset with him because he doesn't do it right and a whole lot of women will come on here and agree with him.

I find it infuriating.

My version of this is that DH will take 4 hours to do the chores I can do in 2. Which means I just land up with more chores. But he gets annoyed and tells me that I am being unfair or controlling. To a large extent, I've managed this by refusing to feel bad if I'm sitting on the couch watching tv and he's hanging the washing - it's really not my problem that he cannot seem to think about putting a load of washing on early enough that he can hang it out while the kids are doing homework or whatever. And it's not my problem either that it takes him 30 minutes to hang up one load when I can do it in half that. But it can be annoying when he goes to the shops to get bread and milk and is gone for 40 minutes.

DH is dyslexic, it doesn't prevent him being fearsomely organised in every domestic way.
One thing I've noticed is unless you make an effort to communicate, it's hard to join in if the other partner does everything because you aren't in the loop. Like DH has got everything for Christmas so if I suddenly piped up "I've been shopping and got a turkey and Xmas pud" I would not be helpful.
You only need some lists and a calendar to sort that out though.

Feel your pain tbh. We have gousto 4 days a week so it takes the pain away from having to think whilst working full time. I personally hate Christmas. I do it all. This year we all have covid (mild thank). Managed to get food shop delivered. I do all the bills, food shops, majority of the cooking and cleaning (and all the presents). Splitting the household chores I realised years ago wasn't an option. I don't ask dh to do anything if he decides he wants to I let him get on with it. He does his clothes wash decided once having kids I wasn't his mother. I keep going because of my kids but will be seeking councilling in the new year. Hugs to all those in the same or similar position.

@isntitobvious

Op, yabu, because you knew what he was like before you married him.

@isntitobvious people that trot out this line think they’re clever. They’re not.

Sometimes, your partner has been on their “best” behaviour.
Sometimes, you thought doing all the stuff for them was a way of showing your love - you didn’t know how that would feel years in.
Often, you were doing life admin for two and it was fine and you had NO FUCKING IDEA what that meant when you added a couple of kids into the mix.

This is just a totally unhelpful comment to make 🤷🏻‍♀️