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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did we make a social error?

118 replies

FateHasRedesignedMost · 23/12/2021 09:27

We have lovely next door neighbours. Kind, respectful, often put our bins or recycling out, we all respect each other’s privacy too. Friendly but not intrusive. They’ve given a few little gifts to our son in the past and always make time to chat to him.

This year we got them a large Xmas hamper (just wanted to give them something nice as we like them and appreciate things they do).

Didn’t take it round immediately as I couldn’t remember all the names of their kids (large adult family with teenagers who have partners etc). They then dropped an Xmas gift round for our 6-year-old and handily a card with it, so I finished our card and DH took card round the same evening with the hamper.

He said neighbour was very polite but looked ‘shocked and a bit horrified’ at the hamper! Have we over stepped? DH is worried we overwhelmed them.

Worth mentioning DH is from another culture, where giving generous random gifts to neighbours is normal and no reciprocation expected. Also I’m pregnant after a hard time TTC so it’s traditional to share a joy like that by giving gifts (a bit like thanking the universe!) Neighbours may be unaware I’m pregnant though as I’m not really showing yet, although other neighbour knows and it isn’t a secret.

YABU: the hamper was excessive and embarrassed them
YANBU: it was fine

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2021 09:28

Yeah, I think it was lovely but a bit much to be honest, they will think they need to reciprocate next year.

vdbfamily · 23/12/2021 09:30

I would just explain to them what you have said above so they are not feeling awkward . I think it is a lovely idea.

Whinge · 23/12/2021 09:32

They then dropped an Xmas gift round for our 6-year-old and handily a card with it, so I finished our card and DH took card round the same evening with the hamper.

I'm not your neighbour, and I may be the only one who thinks this. But I would assume that you gave me the hamper as you had it in the house, and felt like you needed togive a gift after I'd given one to your son.

It sounds very over the top if you don't normally give gifts. They probably feel guilty they didn't get you anything.

Dora26 · 23/12/2021 09:33

Explain how you are Sharing the Joy and it is as such a one-off

thevassal · 23/12/2021 09:33

Um...YANBU as it was a nice thing to do BUT you probably have stressed them out....they are probably moaning about having to go face the crowds in the shops now to buy you something. I would go round today and stress that you do not want them to reciprocate....explain your husbands culture etc.

Unfortunately our culture is that if someone gives you a fairly expensive present you do feel obliged to return the gesture....it depends what was said at the time-If a neighbour stressed it was a gift with no obligation at all and explained what you've said in your op I'd be very grateful....but if your dh just dropped it off, sorry but like your neighbour I probably would look horrified and would be cursing you for giving me a hamper I didn't want and now making me feel guilty for not having got you anything. Which is a pity because its a lovely gesture!

HardbackWriter · 23/12/2021 09:34

I think it was sent with wonderful intentions but realistically it will have made them feel very awkward - in the UK the expectation is that presents are roughly reciprocal so it's embarrassing for them that they sent a card and a little present for a child and you sent a hamper, and means they'll feel they need to reciprocate, either by scrabbling around at the last minute this year or by buying a lavish present next year.

WiganDiva · 23/12/2021 09:35

Aw, it was a lovely thing to do but I’m sorry to say that it’s considerably upped the ante in terms of your relationship with them. They’ll feel like they have to get you something equally ‘big’ next year, and you will too.

AlexaShutUp · 23/12/2021 09:36

It's a tricky one. I like to give generous gifts without any expectation of reciprocation, simply because I enjoy choosing and giving the gifts. However, I do have to rein in my natural instincts at times, because I know that it can cause embarrassment or obligation. It's such a shame when there are genuinely no strings attached, but you do have to be mindful of the feelings of the recipient.

I know now who I can go overboard with, who won't be bothered by it. With others, I try to hold back. It's hard to say if you have made a social faux pas in this situation - how good is your DH usually at reading people's reactions? I'm sure that your neighbours will appreciate the kind gesture even if they do feel a bit embarrassed by it. Maybe you can just make a joke about your DH's tendency to overdo it, and emphasise that you definitely don't expect them to return it in kind?!

Cocomarine · 23/12/2021 09:36

I would say that you have embarrassed them. Also possibly annoyed them by introducing a higher level of gifting that they may now feel pressured to reciprocate.
Your husband’s culture isn’t relevant - he needs to consider the culture of the recipients.
I would be sending them an extra message (a lie!) saying you’d been sent the hamper (from work, a relative, whatever…) and you hope they don’t find it OTT, but you wouldn’t use half of it so you thought they might get more use from it than you.

Then next Xmas I’d make a mental note to be early with a small gift to them, to re-set the scene!

SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2021 09:37

Do you speak to one of them more than the other? I'd go along the "I hope you liked the hamper, I know it's a bit more compared to normal years but it's part of how we celebrate good news in DHs culture as we've just found out we're pregnant. Sorry I didn't drop it earlier, I'll be honest, pregnancy brain and I clean forgot how to spell X's name / Y's name"

cloudtree · 23/12/2021 09:39

Hmm, sorry Op I agree with the others. It’s culturally awkward. We expect gifts to be at a similar level and so you may have made them feel embarrassed.

Personally I’d pop over to say merry Christmas and sorry you didn’t see them last night but you just wanted to explain that the hamper was a one off to show your appreciation for eveything they’ve done and you’re really glad they’re your neighbours.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/12/2021 09:40

I’d have been very embarrassed. Sorry.

Original poster

FateHasRedesignedMost · 23/12/2021 09:42

Thanks for your honesty everyone!

I realise now it probably made them feel awkward. I hadn’t realised how big the hamper was until it arrived (DH ordered it) but his reasoning was they’re a big family whose business suffered during covid so they won’t feel the need to reciprocate. But they’re English so maybe it has stressed them out! Or over stepped a boundary.

Also we suddenly realised they’ve given our son quite a few little gifts since we moved in and we’ve never given anything back.

For future reference, what’s a better alternative to a hamper? I thought of explaining the reason in the card but then thought it might sound a bit odd to announce a pregnancy that way.

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 23/12/2021 09:45

And yes to explaining the cultural differences.

FWIW, a friend gave me a very expensive gift last year - probably worth around £100. I was shocked when I opened it because we really aren't that close and I hadn't been expecting a present from her at all. I had gone out to buy a gift for her after receiving it, but before opening it, and mine was more in the region of around £10. I did feel slightly embarrassed but I was also very grateful and I thought she was very kind. Again, there were some cultural differences at play, so hopefully she recognised that too. I did feel obliged to get her a "bigger" gift this year, which was fine by me because I love gift giving and can afford it. It might be a bit awkward though if the recipient was short on money.

Original poster

FateHasRedesignedMost · 23/12/2021 09:46

how good is your DH usually at reading people's reactions?

He’s quite good at reading reactions and facial expressions. He’s been a bit worried about this neighbour lately saying neighbour seems down and his routines are different (DH is wfh so sees people coming and going) so he thought the hamper would cheer him up.

OP posts:

Bonbon21 · 23/12/2021 09:46

Pop round and say everything you have said here... its a one off.. its a big thank you for being them.. and a wee celebration of your wonderful news!!!
And you wont do it again!!! Big smiles!!

SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2021 09:46

I think you just need to explain it ip. Presumably they're aware your husband is of a different culture to them. They should be able to understand different cultures do things differently with some context.

honeylulu · 23/12/2021 09:47

It does seem a bit overwhelming. Hampers aren't cheap especially large ones! A smaller mark of appreciation might have been better. They will now worry that they "owe" you a better present next year.

We moved into our house a couple of years ago and one of our neighbours, the first Christmas, gave us several wrapped gifts (one each and a family gift). I felt a bit despairing as in the last few years we've cut down on gifts so it's now just immediate family only (both ways) unless we are actually spending Christmas day together. This was agreed gratefully by extended family. It's not just the expense but the hassle of remembering, shopping, wrapping and delivering. My husband insisted we had to buy a gift for the neighbours in return and got them a case of wine. It just seemed bizarre to be buying that for people we hardly knew whilst not giving gifts to our own parents and siblings.

Whinge · 23/12/2021 09:47

but his reasoning was they’re a big family whose business suffered during covid so they won’t feel the need to reciprocate.

Their business suffering doesn't mean they won't feel the need to reciprocate. They'll still feel embarrassed by the expensive and generous gift you've given them.

For future reference, what’s a better alternative to a hamper?

A box of chocolates or biscuits, and maybe a bottle of fizz. They're easy to share and the recipent knows you've thought about them, but haven't spent a fortune.

AyeOop · 23/12/2021 09:49

Wow, that's lovely, just explain about your culture and your pregnancy - many congratulations to you both

Allmadeoflego · 23/12/2021 09:49

This happened to my parents. Lovely neighbours gave them a Fortnum and Mason box (not a hamper but a wine and cheese thing).
They were a little flustered to be honest but very much appreciated it m

Original poster

FateHasRedesignedMost · 23/12/2021 09:49

Do you speak to one of them more than the other?

Not really. The husband is a bit shy around me (probably because I look startled when we meet unexpectedly!) and his wife has been ill so doesn’t leave the house much. We only really chat if we’re in the front garden or on the driveway. In the back gardens there seems to be an unspoken code of silence that I’m happy with, although we do say hi if we accidentally make eye contact over the fence!

OP posts:

parrotonthesofa · 23/12/2021 09:49

I'm surprised by the responses! I think it's fine and very kind of you!
And they have given your son a present anyway

Mumdiva99 · 23/12/2021 09:50

@Bonbon21

Pop round and say everything you have said here... its a one off.. its a big thank you for being them.. and a wee celebration of your wonderful news!!! And you wont do it again!!! Big smiles!!

This. Exactly this....just explain and ask them to enjoy it. They sound lovely. You sound lovely. Congratulations and happy Christmas.

Rainartist · 23/12/2021 09:56

I think it's lovely but yes probably overwhelmed them.

It'll be alright as long as you explain, make it about you and your news and that there's no expectations for future or reciprocating. Don't mention their ailing business, that would be tactless and rude and look like giving charity which can embarrass further.

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