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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did we make a social error?

118 replies

FateHasRedesignedMost · 23/12/2021 09:27

We have lovely next door neighbours. Kind, respectful, often put our bins or recycling out, we all respect each other’s privacy too. Friendly but not intrusive. They’ve given a few little gifts to our son in the past and always make time to chat to him.

This year we got them a large Xmas hamper (just wanted to give them something nice as we like them and appreciate things they do).

Didn’t take it round immediately as I couldn’t remember all the names of their kids (large adult family with teenagers who have partners etc). They then dropped an Xmas gift round for our 6-year-old and handily a card with it, so I finished our card and DH took card round the same evening with the hamper.

He said neighbour was very polite but looked ‘shocked and a bit horrified’ at the hamper! Have we over stepped? DH is worried we overwhelmed them.

Worth mentioning DH is from another culture, where giving generous random gifts to neighbours is normal and no reciprocation expected. Also I’m pregnant after a hard time TTC so it’s traditional to share a joy like that by giving gifts (a bit like thanking the universe!) Neighbours may be unaware I’m pregnant though as I’m not really showing yet, although other neighbour knows and it isn’t a secret.

YABU: the hamper was excessive and embarrassed them
YANBU: it was fine

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 23/12/2021 11:03

i cant fairly vote because its done now op

oftenbaffled · 23/12/2021 11:06

* YABU: the hamper was excessive and embarrassed them*
YANBU: it was fine

For some it would be welcomed
For the recipients in this case, it wasn’t

Us telling you “it was fine” is not going to change fact that clearly they thought it was OTT

Jacaranda75 · 23/12/2021 11:07

I am from a culture that gives presents and I am also a natural-born show-off. So I have often been in the situation you are in now Grin. I would send a text with "Sorry if the hamper seemed a bit OTT. You know what these are like, lol. Anyway, thanks for being fab neighbours. Have a lovely Christmas!"

Original poster
FateHasRedesignedMost · 23/12/2021 11:09

Also, have I understood it right that they signed their card with the individual names of all their "large adult family with teenagers who have partners etc"?

They have 4 teenage-young adult children so yes they signed it from them, plus the partners of the eldest ones, and their pets’ names.

OP posts:
Dancingsmile · 23/12/2021 11:10

I think a note explaining the gift would be appropriate as you feel shy popping round.
Explain its a tradition from your husband to pass on a blessing that has happened. That because they have been kind neighbours you wanted to say thank you and that it is one off.
That's incredibly generous regardless of reasons and you are both very kind with your intentions.

countdowntonap · 23/12/2021 11:15

We’ve given a lovely neighbour a gift before with no expectations that they would reciprocate.
We made it clearly that it was a thank you for being such fab neighbours who always did our bins, took in our parcels, and helped with anything at anytime! They did so much more for us than we did for them, so it was a gift of thanks.

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2021 11:20

@FateHasRedesignedMost

Also, have I understood it right that they signed their card with the individual names of all their "large adult family with teenagers who have partners etc"?

They have 4 teenage-young adult children so yes they signed it from them, plus the partners of the eldest ones, and their pets’ names.

Weird!
Instagram · 23/12/2021 11:26

I wouldn’t worry, it’s done now. I think it’s a lovely thing to do and I find it feels so good to share your happiness by showing kindness.
Maybe if you see them make a passing comment of how you are so happy to finally be pregnant and they will realise you are in a very happy mood hence being so generous.

Suzi69 · 23/12/2021 11:34

YABU Giving gifts to anyone puts them in the position of feeling they have to reciprocate; almost like a burden. Fine of that's a relative where it's usual to swap presents but don't do that to a neighbor.

They will most likely be worrying about how to pay you back , they won't be fully enjoying the hamper. The best gift you can give them is the gift of caring about them; talking to them and maybe doing neighborly acts like taking parcels for them, looking after animals while they're away etc.

I'm sure you meant well but the gesture is inappropriate and frankly a bit weird.

Balonziaga · 23/12/2021 11:37

You have to live next door so no time for awkwardness, I would be COMPLETELY honest at this point.

Drop a note through the door.

Dear Neigbours

DH reported that you looked a bit uncomfortable with the gift we dropped round. Just to be clear that this was something we wanted to do as a one off - just to say how much we appreciate having good neighbours. We don't want to start a tradition of gift giving or expect anything in return. We have had some nice news this year and wanted to share some joy.

Please get stuck in and for heaven's sake, don't feel obliged to get anything else in return. Your gift to DS is more than enough.

Have a lovely Christmas.
Neighbours x

KaycePollard · 23/12/2021 11:41

Worth mentioning DH is from another culture, where giving generous random gifts to neighbours is normal and no reciprocation expected. Also I’m pregnant after a hard time TTC so it’s traditional to share a joy like that by giving gifts

It might have been worth explaining this in a card or something? It sounds like a lovely gesture - you're full of delight & happiness at the moment! But sometimes people are overwhelmed at unexpected generosity, for all sorts of reasons. Don't take it too personally.

oakleaffy · 23/12/2021 11:56

@FateHasRedesignedMost
I had an Greek/Italian friend at school, and her parents were incredibly generous , and very welcoming,
So very different from the Uptight English..

They probably will feel awkward at having to reciprocate with an equal hamper, but your kind DH was not to know this.

Reminds me very much of the scene in ''The Railway Children'' where Perks the station master was given a lot of stuff as he wasn't very well off, and he felt looked down upon.

As a child, I felt the pain of the 'Railway Children' at their gifts being considered 'Charity'....but as an adult, I understand Perks's point of view :)

Don't worry about it..Explain that it was a one off, and that you don't expect anything in return.

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2021 11:56

Maybe I should write another card, explaining the meaning behind the hamper and apologising for the size of it?

I really don't think you should.

If you and your DH didn't understand the cultural differences and how a £70 hamper might have made them feel, you could inadvertently put your foot further in your mouth by trying to explain and that could make them feel worse.

My guess is that they'll reciprocate (or try to) with a gift of equal value, either by tomorrow or possibly NYE.

If that happens, as you take the gift in, perhaps have a well planned very short explanation in mind.

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2021 11:58

@oakleaffy was there any need to have a dig at English people in your post?

oftenbaffled · 23/12/2021 11:59

[quote oakleaffy]@FateHasRedesignedMost
I had an Greek/Italian friend at school, and her parents were incredibly generous , and very welcoming,
So very different from the Uptight English..

They probably will feel awkward at having to reciprocate with an equal hamper, but your kind DH was not to know this.

Reminds me very much of the scene in ''The Railway Children'' where Perks the station master was given a lot of stuff as he wasn't very well off, and he felt looked down upon.

As a child, I felt the pain of the 'Railway Children' at their gifts being considered 'Charity'....but as an adult, I understand Perks's point of view :)

Don't worry about it..Explain that it was a one off, and that you don't expect anything in return.[/quote]
Isn’t this a bit of a contradiction

You refer to “uptight English”

But then say you understand the stations masters stance?

oftenbaffled · 23/12/2021 12:00

[quote WorraLiberty]@oakleaffy was there any need to have a dig at English people in your post?[/quote]
There wasn’t

And because it was against English

There won’t be any cries of xenophobia

squishee · 23/12/2021 12:03

Also I’m pregnant after a hard time TTC so it’s traditional to share a joy like that by giving gifts (a bit like thanking the universe!)

I love this OP! Congratulations!

CheshireKitten123 · 23/12/2021 12:07

Good neighbours are worth their weight in gold, they need to be cherished. YANBU.

AlexaShutUp · 23/12/2021 12:08

@MarineBlue33

I was born here but am from another culture. To anyone who feels the need to reciprocate, you don't need to. Only if you actually want to. We always grew up giving gifts widely and there was never any expectation that we would get one back. It really speaks of the generosity of the giver. But a gift should never be given, if not freely and from a spirit of thankfulness / kindness/ generosity. If you feel it is a bit much for you, don't be anything but genuine
I think this is a lovely approach, and I wish British culture was more like this. For me, there is joy in giving itself, and I don't like the idea of it being reduced to something transactional.
BarkminsterBlue · 23/12/2021 12:29

his reasoning was they’re a big family whose business suffered during covid so they won’t feel the need to reciprocate.

Your intentions are so kind but this makes it worse. If they can’t reciprocate it will have panicked them and they’ll be out at the shops now trying to find something to give you in return.

Rainartist · 23/12/2021 12:42

@oakleaffy I thought of Perks too Smile
But wondered if op wouldn't get the reference if not from UK. But even Perks was ok with it once he knew it was the respect and esteem of his neighbours Smile I remember being mortified for the children as a child but totally understand now I'm an adult. There was a similar scene in the recent Malory Towers where the girls put bits together for the scholarship girl. The children were trying to be nice but without understanding the other person's perspective.

Motherdare · 23/12/2021 12:44

I’m struggling to see why any of this is a problem and surprised by some of the responses you’ve had OP. You weren’t there to see the reaction, your DH might not be describing it accurately and you are catastrophising needlessly.

You gave someone a gift. It’s done. For god’s sake don’t follow up with a note explaining your bountifulness in even greater detail just to ram the point home!!

It was kind. Move on. Or move house… Wink

CheshireKitten123 · 23/12/2021 12:47

@Motherdare

I’m struggling to see why any of this is a problem and surprised by some of the responses you’ve had OP. You weren’t there to see the reaction, your DH might not be describing it accurately and you are catastrophising needlessly.

You gave someone a gift. It’s done. For god’s sake don’t follow up with a note explaining your bountifulness in even greater detail just to ram the point home!!

It was kind. Move on. Or move house… Wink

This.

No need to make a wide-screen epic out of it Hmm

undertheglassceiling · 23/12/2021 12:48

I think it's a nice gesture and I am the same as you, OP. I give gifts without any desire or thought of reciprocation.

That being said, my son had a birthday party recently and I was quite taken aback with the number of gifts a particular mum gave him. Especially given I had only given her son (same age) a puzzle for his birthday thinking kids get masses of gifts when they have a birthday party so small was fine. She's lovely, but it did feel like too much.

SilenzioBruno · 23/12/2021 12:55

It sounds like such a lovely thing to do op. My husband isn’t British so we have cultural differences sometimes. I’d deal with it by ‘accidentally’ bumping into the neighbour outside and saying ‘Gosh I’m so tired now with this pregnancy. Oh you didn’t know? Didn’t DH tell you? Oh he’s so daft, he was supposed to explain that the hamper is because we’re sharing the joy etc etc, important tradition in his family etc, so pleased to be sharing it with such lovely neighbours…’