Did we make a social error?

[FateHasRedesignedMost]

We have lovely next door neighbours. Kind, respectful, often put our bins or recycling out, we all respect each other’s privacy too. Friendly but not intrusive. They’ve given a few little gifts to our son in the past and always make time to chat to him.

This year we got them a large Xmas hamper (just wanted to give them something nice as we like them and appreciate things they do).

Didn’t take it round immediately as I couldn’t remember all the names of their kids (large adult family with teenagers who have partners etc). They then dropped an Xmas gift round for our 6-year-old and handily a card with it, so I finished our card and DH took card round the same evening with the hamper.

He said neighbour was very polite but looked ‘shocked and a bit horrified’ at the hamper! Have we over stepped? DH is worried we overwhelmed them.

Worth mentioning DH is from another culture, where giving generous random gifts to neighbours is normal and no reciprocation expected. Also I’m pregnant after a hard time TTC so it’s traditional to share a joy like that by giving gifts (a bit like thanking the universe!) Neighbours may be unaware I’m pregnant though as I’m not really showing yet, although other neighbour knows and it isn’t a secret.

YABU: the hamper was excessive and embarrassed them
YANBU: it was fine

"(just wanted to give them something nice as we like them and appreciate things they do)."

So why not just put that on the card?

It was a kind gift and well meant, but OTT for people you don’t know that well.

I’d be a bit bemused if you’d given it to me, and would wonder why you’d done it, but I’d take it in the spirit of generosity in which it was given.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I think I'd probably be a bit bemused without an explanation.

Although I'd find the pregnancy explanation odd, especially if you aren't very far yet.

I wouldn't be offended if I thought it was a regift.

I might prefer that to thinking that you'd spent about £70!

Unless you know people would like a hamper though I think it can come across as a food parcel!

YANBU you just want to spread your happiness which is lovely! Congratulations to you!

@Bonbon21

Pop round and say everything you have said here... its a one off.. its a big thank you for being them.. and a wee celebration of your wonderful news!!! And you wont do it again!!! Big smiles!!

This sounds spot on

Gift anxiety!!! Isn't it a shame that something done with good intentions causes so much angst! I really don't like receiving, or giving gifts. Maybe I'm weird.

I'm sure you meant well but the gesture is inappropriate and frankly a bit weird. just because something is different to your own cultural habits, doesn't make it inappropriate and weird.

Wouldn't the worls be a nicer place if people could just accept a present with grace, not mentally pricing it up and wondering what they can go e back to justify it

I agree, @SleepingStandingUp. It's sad that the OP is now feeling rubbish about a kind and generous gesture. It would be wonderful if everyone could give gifts freely and accept them in the spirit in which they're given, without feeling any obligation to reciprocate.

Regarding the culture subject, I always think it's best to try and find out a little bit about the other person's culture if it's different to mine, when gift giving or doing anything similar.

But it's done now and it's not exactly the end of the world. I don't think a follow up card is necessary.

Gosh, much ado about nothing.
You also need to relax OP, life is too short for all this angst. And if you wish you send me a xmas hamper i have zero problems in receiving it with a smile and a thanks. But then, I didn´t grow up in Britain.
Merry Xmas and congratulations!

@SleepingStandingUp

I'm sure you meant well but the gesture is inappropriate and frankly a bit weird. just because something is different to your own cultural habits, doesn't make it inappropriate and weird.

Wouldn't the worls be a nicer place if people could just accept a present with grace, not mentally pricing it up and wondering what they can go e back to justify it

You’re right to pull up a pp on ‘inappropriate’ and ‘weird’ but these posts are no more helpful. In most parts of the UK gift-giving exists within a culture of reciprocity and that’s exactly what OP was asking.

There may be many many places where lavish or generous gifts are the norm and no reciprocation is expected but nowhere is it appropriate to give a gift which makes the recipient uncomfortable.

Honestly I'd be mortified if my neighbour gave us a huge hamper. We usually give them a bottle of wine or chocolates.

You’re right to pull up a pp on ‘inappropriate’ and ‘weird’ but these posts are no more helpful. In most parts of the UK gift-giving exists within a culture of reciprocity and that’s exactly what OP was asking... nowhere is it appropriate to give a gift which makes the recipient uncomfortable I don't disagree and I'm assuming although op referenced her husbands culture that she isn't English, hence the thread and people explaining why they're reacted how they did. I just don't think inappropriate and weird are helpful either. I def think Op should pop a note in and explain so they're not questioning it

I actually lecture sometimes on cultural gift giving...

Every culture has a set of (usually unspoken) rules and traditions around gift giving. However, if someone is English and doesn't mix much with people from very different cultures, I've found when lecturing and training people on this that it can be easy for them to assume that their rules are the only ones that exist, so your neighbours might not make the leap to realise it's most likely cultural.

In the UK a first gift with an acquaintance like a neighbour would usually be something pretty small and generic. In general you could say that gift value is proportional to closeness of relationship.

Brits also tend to do reciprocal gift giving. Whilst we don't have the issues of 'loss of face' you see in many cultures, you should still try not to give someone something they can't afford or wouldn't wish to reciprocate, because it puts them in an awkward situ. (There may be exceptions to that in very close friendships with different wealth.)

I'm afraid your neighbour is probably a little panicked now thinking they've misjudged the relationship and gift, that they may now feel embarrassed by the small presents they've given you, and worried (especially if struggling) that next year they're going to need to go big.

I think your best bet is to have a little chat explaining the baby, cultural tradition etc and make clear it's not supposed to be reciprocated. You can say something like 'Hope you liked the hamper, just wanted a quick word to explain the context - it's a tradition in DH's culture for x reason etc etc, he's so happy and wants to share that, but I thought I'd better explain!" Big smile, make clear no reciprocity needed.

For future reference, for helpful neighbours a nice bottle of wine, nice chocolates or bunch of flowers are probably the right kind of thing unless you know them particularly well.

I have also lectured on the UK Bribery Act 2010 and some companies have to impose their rules on an international group and comply with that Act and also the US foreign and corrupt practices act and much else. Even if a culture expects expensive presents when a commercial deal is negotiated the rules will say no, even if that means you will lose the business deal because the UK and US companies have to comply with their laws even when operating in countries where presents oil the wheels of trade. (There is an exemption in the Bribery Act in the case where you would die if you do not accept the gift).

Most of those corporate anti-bribery rules allow for modest gifts but that you share them with others staff members, eg £20 but even with that some ban them all.

@SleepingStandingUp

We have friends from another culture who often give us gifts that I wouldn’t expect and it has made me ‘up my game’. I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. But I kind of wish we weren’t in a present arms race. but whose expectation is the present arms race? Do they expect you to up your game? Or did they pick something they thought you'd like that they could afford and now you feel you have to compete?

They always bring something if they come round or to thank us for small favours we do each other (e.g. collection of children from school) and her family sends her some rare fruit every year and she always gives me some. So yes then I feel I need to reciprocate. It’s not because I don’t believe she is just a kind and generous friend (I do) but I don’t want things to be uneven between us.

Similarly round here (where there are lots of Indian families) it’s common to provide generous amounts of food and drink for parents at children’s birthday parties. In my culture usually the best parents could expect would be to hoover ip their children’s leftovers. But I have learned and now we provide food and drink for parents. If we didn’t then I would feel awkward.

Thanks everyone, it’s really helpful to get all the different perspectives.

We won’t be buying a hamper again! Will stick with nice chocolates or wine or something.

It didn’t occur to me they might think a hamper implied they were perceived to be struggling. When I said their business was affected by covid it was just what the husband told DH, they’d had to cut back on holidays and luxuries. I’m sure they’re not struggling for food as they own their 5-bed house and have Waitrose deliveries etc.

Hopefully they’ll just think it’s a cultural difference and a thank you for being welcoming, giving little gifts to our son and taking our bins out most of the year (they’d do it every week if DH didn’t get there first sometimes)!

There is an exemption in the Bribery Act in the case where you would die if you do not accept the gift

If anyone wants to bribe me with a yacht or Rolex, on pain of death, my DMs are open.