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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did we make a social error?

118 replies

FateHasRedesignedMost · 23/12/2021 09:27

We have lovely next door neighbours. Kind, respectful, often put our bins or recycling out, we all respect each other’s privacy too. Friendly but not intrusive. They’ve given a few little gifts to our son in the past and always make time to chat to him.

This year we got them a large Xmas hamper (just wanted to give them something nice as we like them and appreciate things they do).

Didn’t take it round immediately as I couldn’t remember all the names of their kids (large adult family with teenagers who have partners etc). They then dropped an Xmas gift round for our 6-year-old and handily a card with it, so I finished our card and DH took card round the same evening with the hamper.

He said neighbour was very polite but looked ‘shocked and a bit horrified’ at the hamper! Have we over stepped? DH is worried we overwhelmed them.

Worth mentioning DH is from another culture, where giving generous random gifts to neighbours is normal and no reciprocation expected. Also I’m pregnant after a hard time TTC so it’s traditional to share a joy like that by giving gifts (a bit like thanking the universe!) Neighbours may be unaware I’m pregnant though as I’m not really showing yet, although other neighbour knows and it isn’t a secret.

YABU: the hamper was excessive and embarrassed them
YANBU: it was fine

OP posts:

oftenbaffled · 23/12/2021 10:30

Who doesn’t like a hamper?

Me! Ex boss sends me a huge one every year. Half of it I regift
I keep the other half but only because feel guilty and wouldn’t be my first choice

I have said how grateful I am and that no need… but he doesn’t listen!

lottiegarbanzo · 23/12/2021 10:30

No don't write another card or make a big deal of it. That will increase the awkwardness. It's done now. Just mention it next time you see them, as in 'hope you enjoyed the hamper, we'd just had some good news before Christmas and were in the mood to celebrate.'

OnlyAFleshWound · 23/12/2021 10:31

Our new neighbours to whom we have barely spoken brought us a panettone and two huge boxes of chocolates the other day. I am a bit stressed by it as we have to get them something now. And they must have spent an absolute fortune if they've done that for everyone on the street

SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2021 10:32

@lottiegarbanzo

But according to this thread the neighbours are horrified and searching around to find a way to match or better the gift. Op sees them occasionally on the driveway so might not see them for weeks.

Original poster

FateHasRedesignedMost · 23/12/2021 10:33

I would suspect regifting too, if a card and gift arrived on the same day I gave a card and gift.

What kind of thing was in the hamper? Could they feel embarrassed because they think you might have done it out of pity if there drop in income was so obvious?

It was things like biscuits, chocolates, wine, nuts, Christmassy snacks. In a big wicker basket.
Their drop in income wasn’t obvious, DH had a long chat with neighbour one day who told him about the effects of covid on their business and how they’d had to cut back.

The husband had mentioned they had a gift for our son they’d drop round near Xmas. I hope they don’t think we just had the hamper lying around and palmed it off on them.

OP posts:

Whinge · 23/12/2021 10:35

I hope they don’t think we just had the hamper lying around and palmed it off on them.

As I said above OP, that's exactly what I would think. You went round the same evening they gave your son a gift, with a much more expensive present, which is way above what you would normally give them. I know it's not the case, but looks like you forgot to buy a present and gave them a hamper that had been given to you.

strawberriesarenot · 23/12/2021 10:36

Our new culturally different neighbours have recently got the first dog in their family ever. They brought it round to socialise with ours. Last week our dog sent theirs a Christmas wrapped bonio.

I think friendliness with no monetary value eg a card is the best way for the future, and next Christmas, if your card to them went very early so they knew what to expect it might be a kindness.

Original poster

FateHasRedesignedMost · 23/12/2021 10:36

How much was the hamper worth?

It was about £70 I think.

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 23/12/2021 10:37

@oftenbaffled

Yes tad OTT

Curious as to what culture your DH is from where giving neighbours random generous gifts is the norm!

Lots of middle Eastern and Asian cultures tend to be very generous with their gift giving. We have a lot of friends from those parts of the world! DD gets showered with expensive gifts, sometimes from people we barely know!

MeredithGreyishblue · 23/12/2021 10:37

No good deed goes unpunished, eh? Nice thought. Congratulations on the pregnancy!

I'd have assumed you'd panicked and brought me the hamper your boss had given you at work! In response to my gift.

It is awkward because it sets an expectation that they'll reciprocate next year with something extravagant.

I know it's a MN joke but we talk about nice boxes of chocolates and biscuits for good reason! Haha!
Don't overthink it. If you see them on the street give them a brief explanation- "I'm pregnant and we got a bit carried away spreading the joy! Its a box of Roses next year!"

Siuan · 23/12/2021 10:38

Maybe just tell them it wasn't a Christmas present and you hadn't intended it to be?

I have a lovely friend who has been extra supportive this year. We don't give each other Christmas presents.
I took her a gift last week and said this is not a Christmas present it's just a thank you.

Original poster

FateHasRedesignedMost · 23/12/2021 10:38

I agree a big box of chocolates or biscuits would have been more appropriate.

OP posts:

MarineBlue33 · 23/12/2021 10:38

I was born here but am from another culture. To anyone who feels the need to reciprocate, you don't need to. Only if you actually want to. We always grew up giving gifts widely and there was never any expectation that we would get one back. It really speaks of the generosity of the giver. But a gift should never be given, if not freely and from a spirit of thankfulness / kindness/ generosity.
If you feel it is a bit much for you, don't be anything but genuine

LittleRoundRobin · 23/12/2021 10:40

@FateHasRedesignedMost

How much was the hamper worth?

It was about £70 I think.

Hmmm £70 is quite a lot. I can see why they feel awkward.

Nothing you can do about it now. Just let it go, and next time just spend a tenner! Don't go writing anything trying to explain yourself, you will just make it worse!

Whinge · 23/12/2021 10:40

@FateHasRedesignedMost

How much was the hamper worth?

It was about £70 I think.

Eek, that's more than I spend on some family members. I understand wanting to share your good news, but being given an expensive large hamper without the context of the pregnancy and wanting to share your joy, it's no wonder your neighbours were embarrassed.

Grimbelina · 23/12/2021 10:41

I think it's fine. My neighbours buy us gifts like this. It was a surprise at first but clearly they enjoy doing it. I appreciate it.

ifonly4 · 23/12/2021 10:43

I really wouldn't worry about it. It's what you wanted to do. Also, they'd already dropped off their card and gift, so it's obvious you won't be expecting anything more.

They'll probably say thanks again or mention something was particularly nice after xmas, so that's when you could just say you wanted to do it as a one off as a thank you being great neighbours.

FrazzledY9Parent · 23/12/2021 10:44

@Bonbon21

Pop round and say everything you have said here... its a one off.. its a big thank you for being them.. and a wee celebration of your wonderful news!!! And you wont do it again!!! Big smiles!!

Totally agree with this - get the awkwardness out of the way and tell them your news. You sound like a lovely family, and I'm sure your neighbours will enjoy the gift once they understand it in the context of your culture. Congratulations!

MeredithGreyishblue · 23/12/2021 10:47

@MarineBlue33

I was born here but am from another culture. To anyone who feels the need to reciprocate, you don't need to. Only if you actually want to. We always grew up giving gifts widely and there was never any expectation that we would get one back. It really speaks of the generosity of the giver. But a gift should never be given, if not freely and from a spirit of thankfulness / kindness/ generosity. If you feel it is a bit much for you, don't be anything but genuine

It's a very lovely attitude! The problem stems when only one party is aware of that! I'm a gifter. It makes me happy and makes me feel useful when people are struggling and I can't do much else to help. But I know when I'm over stepping and making people feel awkward.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 23/12/2021 10:50

Don't feel bad, OP. You did a lovely thing. Gift-giving is really culturally-specific. I get it wrong regularly, despite being half British and having spent part of my childhood here!

Just explain to the neighbours what you have explained to us.

For the future, if they and you drink alcohol (outside of pregnancy, obviously), a nice bottle of wine seems to be the UK standard thank you gift to neighbours - which is funny for me as this is a terrible faux-pas in my home country 😀

LittleRoundRobin · 23/12/2021 10:52

@Bonbon21

Pop round and say everything you have said here... its a one off.. its a big thank you for being them.. and a wee celebration of your wonderful news!!! And you wont do it again!!! Big smiles!!!

Noooooooooooooo! Don't do this, and don't SAY this. You will make things worse!

There is nothing you can do about it now, it's done. Trying to 'mend' things and make excuses for the hamper will just make things worse. As a pp said, it will sound like you don't REALLY feel they are worth spending a lot on normally. NOTHING you can say will make things better. Just leave it @FateHasRedesignedMost Saying ANYTHING will make things worse!

Xenia · 23/12/2021 10:58

There can be cultural differences with these things so we just have to be kind to each other. indeed in our residents' association the only people trying to bribe with cash once or twice (and I mean pretty big sums) have all been from certainly cultures which we have politely turned down. they just are unaware of the cultural norms (never mind the Bribery Act 2010).

On the hamper I would be a bit fed up if a neighbour did that as to be fair I ought to give them one back but just say nothing more and then don't repeat it again. Also very kind of you of course and in theory people do not give to give back but all this kind of stuff and tipping can end up being complicated and leave feelings of moral obligation so best to avoid as much of it as possible in the UK.

notanothertakeaway · 23/12/2021 10:59

Next Christmas, get in first with a card and a small gift, to make it clear that's all you're expecting to exchange with each other

£70 is a lot of money. I don't spend that much on anyone

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2021 11:02

He said neighbour was very polite but looked ‘shocked and a bit horrified’ at the hamper! Have we over stepped?

If that's true then I don't understand why you're asking if you over stepped? I mean, unless your DH kicked him in the shins and ran away, what other reason could there be for looking 'horrified'?

Also, have I understood it right that they signed their card with the individual names of all their "large adult family with teenagers who have partners etc"?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 23/12/2021 11:02

i dont even remember to send cards to my neighbours

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