Did we make a social error?

[FateHasRedesignedMost]

We have lovely next door neighbours. Kind, respectful, often put our bins or recycling out, we all respect each other’s privacy too. Friendly but not intrusive. They’ve given a few little gifts to our son in the past and always make time to chat to him.

This year we got them a large Xmas hamper (just wanted to give them something nice as we like them and appreciate things they do).

Didn’t take it round immediately as I couldn’t remember all the names of their kids (large adult family with teenagers who have partners etc). They then dropped an Xmas gift round for our 6-year-old and handily a card with it, so I finished our card and DH took card round the same evening with the hamper.

He said neighbour was very polite but looked ‘shocked and a bit horrified’ at the hamper! Have we over stepped? DH is worried we overwhelmed them.

Worth mentioning DH is from another culture, where giving generous random gifts to neighbours is normal and no reciprocation expected. Also I’m pregnant after a hard time TTC so it’s traditional to share a joy like that by giving gifts (a bit like thanking the universe!) Neighbours may be unaware I’m pregnant though as I’m not really showing yet, although other neighbour knows and it isn’t a secret.

YABU: the hamper was excessive and embarrassed them
YANBU: it was fine

I'd have been embarrassed and frankly horrified, sorry.

Awww you sound like lovely neighbours and I wish you lived next door to us lol. We give our immediate neighbours a small token kind of gift like a small box of chocolates.

@FateHasRedesignedMost

Do you speak to one of them more than the other?

Not really. The husband is a bit shy around me (probably because I look startled when we meet unexpectedly!) and his wife has been ill so doesn’t leave the house much. We only really chat if we’re in the front garden or on the driveway. In the back gardens there seems to be an unspoken code of silence that I’m happy with, although we do say hi if we accidentally make eye contact over the fence!

OK that makes it more awkward if you're on quite formal terms. I surprised your husband didn't explain something when the man looked uncomfortable. Saying "it's not really for Christmas, we've had wonderful news - Fate is pregnant - and in my culture we celebrate and bring good luck by sharing the joy" would have solved all this angst. Men.

@strawberriesarenot

I'd have been embarrassed and frankly horrified, sorry.

Horrified seems like an overreaction to a possibly over-generous but clearly well intentioned gift?

You and your husband sound lovely.
I wouldn't pop around straight away to explain your rationale, Id wait until you next see them and say something along the lines of, " I hope you weren't too taken aback by our Christmas gift but ... and explain as you have done here

I really would be horrified. I'm spent up. I couldn't possibly stretch to getting anything similar back, and I would be very worried that this was going to be a future Christmas thing.

And I would hate a present because someone was sorry for me and wanted to 'cheer me up.'
The nicest way to share a new baby is to say 'Please say hi to my new baby,' and then, if you feel able, to offer a baby cuddle. (Which I would love.)

If their business has suffered during Covid, they may be cutting back on christmas and unnecessary spending, so a large hamper probably did make them feel uncomfortable

I think it would be a good idea to explain that this is a one off to celebrate your pregnancy, and you're not expecting to exchange large gifts in future

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all your responses.

I’m far too shy to go round and try to explain (and I worry if I knock on their door they’ll be more shocked as we only knock for things like taking in deliveries for each other or to discuss garden issues like trimming a tree) (and he always asks to speak to my DH if it’s a garden or maintenance issue). I’m also a bit scared of their dog. And door is likely to be opened by one of the teenage children which could be awkward.

Maybe I should write another card, explaining the meaning behind the hamper and apologising for the size of it?

The nicest way to share a new baby is to say 'Please say hi to my new baby,' and then, if you feel able, to offer a baby cuddle. (Which I would love.)
No, the nicest way in you opinion and given your culture is to wait until its here. In op/her DHs culture its to share the news and joy whilst she's pregnant by doing something nice for someone else. I agree neighbours need some context but she isn't wrong because her culture is different to her neighbours

Maybe I should write another card, explaining the meaning behind the hamper and apologising for the size of it? don't apologise for the size of it, it makes it sound like you wish you'd spent less on them. I'd say "I don't think DH explained but the gift is because.... pregnant..... sharing the joy........ Hope you enjoy it"

Fate - an explanation in the card may be a good idea, but please don't feel bad for doing such a lovely thing.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I don't think you should apologise for your generosity, OP. You've done a lovely thing. Maybe finding a way to link it to your pregnancy is good, as that will let them off the hook as far as reciprocating is concerned.

I think you should send a card. It sounds like you hardly know them.

I suppose, if they'd had their wits about them, they could have said, 'Thank you, but I couldn't possibly accept it.' That's what I would wish I'd done, but I expected they were too embarrassed.

@Whinge

They then dropped an Xmas gift round for our 6-year-old and handily a card with it, so I finished our card and DH took card round the same evening with the hamper.

I'm not your neighbour, and I may be the only one who thinks this. But I would assume that you gave me the hamper as you had it in the house, and felt like you needed togive a gift after I'd given one to your son.

It sounds very over the top if you don't normally give gifts. They probably feel guilty they didn't get you anything.

I would suspect regifting too, if a card and gift arrived on the same day I gave a card and gift.

What kind of thing was in the hamper? Could they feel embarrassed because they think you might have done it out of pity if there drop in income was so obvious? I'm always talking my mother out of giving people supermarket vouchers because they could be interpreted as saying the recipient can't afford food.

Just explain the cultural background and try and tone it down next year.

@SleepingStandingUp

Maybe I should write another card, explaining the meaning behind the hamper and apologising for the size of it? don't apologise for the size of it, it makes it sound like you wish you'd spent less on them. I'd say "I don't think DH explained but the gift is because.... pregnant..... sharing the joy........ Hope you enjoy it"

Yes, this is good.

I voted YABU because they clearly felt awkward but my actual answer is somewhere in the middle. It’s just a cultural difference and you didn’t mean to make them feel awkward. We have friends from another culture who often give us gifts that I wouldn’t expect and it has made me ‘up my game’. I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. But I kind of wish we weren’t in a present arms race.

It's a lovely thing to do. However, if these people are not like family then it is a completely over the top things to do.
You were extremely generous. I wouldn't even get such a gift from relatives.

@FateHasRedesignedMost

Well if they have bought stuff for your DC in the pas, I don't see a massive the problem? How much was the hamper worth? If it was £25, fine. If it was £200, then that would probably make them feel awkward.

*In the past

Cultural differences can be so odd. My DD has a friend who is Chinese and we've done a few things for the Mum like picked her up from the train station when she's missed the last bus etc. As a result of these minor favours, she gives us things all the time...homegrown veg, homemade wine...lovely things but when I tried to gift her some of our hen's eggs, she wouldn't take them!

I don't know if that's cultural but nothing I could say would make her accept the buggers. I wonder if she feels indebted because of the lifts we've given her?

For future reference, what’s a better alternative to a hamper?

Tin of nice biscuits or a box of chocolates.

Yes tad OTT

Curious as to what culture your DH is from where giving neighbours random generous gifts is the norm!

I think you overstepped but they'll get over it. Who doesn't like a hamper? (Or bits of it plus re-gifting potential anyway).

Next time you see them, explain the joy of pregnancy making you a bit euphoric and that it was an impulsive thing.

The difficulty with gifts is that you are in effect giving the other person an obligation. That's generally how British society works. Charities even exploit this instinct by sending out free stuff (cards, coasters, pens) with the intention that you will feel socially obligated to donate in response.

Also people don't like being pitied. So in this case, make it about you, not what you know or imagine about them.

What is a more appropriate present than a hamper?

Surely you have given lesser gifts than a large hamper in the past?!

Nice biscuits? A plant? Wine if you know they drink!!

We have friends from another culture who often give us gifts that I wouldn’t expect and it has made me ‘up my game’. I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. But I kind of wish we weren’t in a present arms race. but whose expectation is the present arms race? Do they expect you to up your game? Or did they pick something they thought you'd like that they could afford and now you feel you have to compete?