Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make ds (23) and his boyfriend (26) sleep in separate beds?

408 replies

hypeg · 22/12/2021 23:35

We have ds and his boyfriend coming tomorrow for Christmas. We’ve met the boyfriend once over lunch, and he is lovely.

Dh wants them to sleep in separate rooms. Now obviously when they are in their own city they must share a bed as they stay over at each other’s places.

But when our dd had her then boyfriend stay for Christmas when she was 21, we made them sleep in separate beds then. Our parents agree as they were not married, but did say things seem very different today.

OP posts:
RockinHorseShit · 23/12/2021 08:21

Don't do this, it will destroy your relationship with your DD

My mother did this up until my 40s. It destroyed our relationship

clpsmum · 23/12/2021 08:22

Ridiculous. Don't expect them back in a hurry if you do

lottiegarbanzo · 23/12/2021 08:23

Pretty crazy / puritanical / inhospitable, unless you are deeply religious and they know that.

They're adults. Not even 'young adults' in the 'twilight zone between teens and adulthood' sense, though your son has only recently moved up a category in that sense, so you may still be getting used to it.

WellTidy · 23/12/2021 08:27

My parents made DH (then DP) and I sleep in separate bedrooms when we visited them until we were engaged. I was 30 by then and we had been together for four years. Whenever they visited us, we shared a bed as we were living together.

It was quite farcical, but we indulged it. No choice but to, really.

This isn’t decades ago either, this is 15 years ago.

MilitantFaucet · 23/12/2021 08:29

@hypeg are you still going ahead with separate rooms or have you taken on board the advice you sought?

Herecomesthesun70 · 23/12/2021 08:31

My son has his girlfriend in his room overnight. They are 16 so in think you should let them share

BarbedButterfly · 23/12/2021 08:38

My parents tried to do this at similar ages so I just dodn't stay there anymore. I think it is ridiculous

Twopenny · 23/12/2021 08:41

I wouldn't want to stay anywhere where another adult would try and make me sleep in a separate bed from my DP for 'moral' reasons. That's not a decision I'd let other people make for me. I'd rather stay in a hotel or not stay overnight.

RainbowBridge21 · 23/12/2021 08:46

Op what are the actual reasons you would keep two fully grown adults who are partners apart like that? I find it bizarre that you would even consider it to be honest. Shocking lack of respect for your ADULT kids.

Budapestdreams · 23/12/2021 08:47

Can I ask, if you had any other adult couple coming to stay (eg, your sibling and partner, cousin and partner an old school friend and partner) would you put them in separate rooms?

You should either put all adult couples in separate rooms (a bit weird) or let all adult couples share a room.

If you go to visit your son, he might put you and your DH is separate rooms!

Deciding on their sleeping arrangements is policing their relationship and denying them a cuddle and chat in the evening.

Friendofdennis · 23/12/2021 08:50

No the world hasn’t ‘moved on ‘ for everyone. Some people have strong moral reasons to abstain from sex outside of marriage

Tayegete · 23/12/2021 08:51

My (now) ILs did this. I was 27 and had been living independently since I was 18 and my (now) DH was 27 and still living at home. It felt totally ridiculous. My ex’s parents let me stay in his room when we were 17 and they were both practicing catholics.

Cheshirewife · 23/12/2021 08:53

I’d argue it’s down to your DS and partner what they want. You seem to know they’d normally sleep together so what do you achieve they stopping them?

Meatshake · 23/12/2021 08:56

If you had unmarried mid twenties friends coming over to stay, would you be policing their sleeping arrangements?

You've done your parenting now, your chance for instilling and insisting on values is over. Now it's time to recognise your son as an adult who makes his own choices.

Move your parenting to a more even dynamic else you might find "my house my rules" becomes obsolete when they don't want to visit.

Lifeisnteasy · 23/12/2021 09:04

@Motherdare

DH and I slept in separate beds (separate rooms) in my parents’ house until we were married. There are very lovely people but it was done out of respect. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Couples can forgo sex for a few nights when staying with relatives surely.
Sleeping in the same bed doesn’t mean inevitable sex Hmm
TenoringBehind · 23/12/2021 09:05

You risk pushing them away long term.

Stravaig · 23/12/2021 09:11

This is weirdly controlling of your DH, and very selfish. Your idea of a nice Christmas is to spend it with your kids, so your son is coming home. Your sons idea of a nice Christmas is to spend it with his boyfriend, snuggling together in bed included, so he's bringing him along. Don't make your son choose. Not at all a nice Christmas for boyfriend, being a guest in a strange family, and kept apart from his beau!

sausagepastapot · 23/12/2021 09:13

Stinks of homophobia and weird control. If you were my parents, I'd not only not stay, but I'd be going NC with you. Utterly ridiculous- give your heads a wobble.

LovesColourGreen · 23/12/2021 09:19

YABU. They are both grown adults and obviously share a bed at other times. It's a very old fashioned and outdated view that only married couples should share a bed, even in their parents' house. If you are not keen on them being intimate in the bed in your house then you could quietly request of your DS that he and his partner are not intimate in your home and you expect the same of his sister as it wuld make you uncomfortable as their mother

BornOnTwelfthNight · 23/12/2021 09:21

Nope the way it works in this house is once you’re 18 and in a clear relationship then free the share the same bed. (Ie no one night stands)

But having said that dd did have both male and female friends sleep over in the same bed from the age of about 16. Dd is now 18 and has her girlfriend stays over regularly.

At 23 and 26, then you need to respect and accept they’re in a relationship!

Tal45 · 23/12/2021 09:21

Not letting adults in relationships sleep together in a bed is downright weird IMO. What's the point? If I was ds's partner I'd think you were homophobic. If it is on religious grounds and not believing in sex before marriage then I could just about understand it, but still why would you impose your beliefs on other adults?

Tal45 · 23/12/2021 09:23

Maybe your DH doesn't have a positive loving view of sex - repressed parents? too much porn? I think he needs to look at his issues.

Broads93 · 23/12/2021 09:23

First of all they're both adults, splitting them up would only serve to embarass them. If my parents insisted that me and my partner stay in separate rooms I wouldn't be attending their house at Christmas. It's out of order.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 23/12/2021 09:24

@Iwab82

I think once your children are living adult lives away from home you treat them as you would with any other adult that visits your home. Would you make another unmarried couple visiting have different rooms?
How many unmarried couples who don't live together do you actually have to stay though?

OPs DS and his boyfriend might spend most of their nights apart anyway because they don't live together. Yes, it would be nice if there's a double bed and they can go together, but it sounds like separate beds (with each other staying over sometimes) is the status quo for them.

Broads93 · 23/12/2021 09:25

@sausagepastapot

Stinks of homophobia and weird control. If you were my parents, I'd not only not stay, but I'd be going NC with you. Utterly ridiculous- give your heads a wobble.
This!! Homophobic undertones all over this