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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make ds (23) and his boyfriend (26) sleep in separate beds?

408 replies

hypeg · 22/12/2021 23:35

We have ds and his boyfriend coming tomorrow for Christmas. We’ve met the boyfriend once over lunch, and he is lovely.

Dh wants them to sleep in separate rooms. Now obviously when they are in their own city they must share a bed as they stay over at each other’s places.

But when our dd had her then boyfriend stay for Christmas when she was 21, we made them sleep in separate beds then. Our parents agree as they were not married, but did say things seem very different today.

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 23/12/2021 07:37

For me it is about being fair. If it is going to cause resentment from DD then separate rooms. I actually think a lot of people are more respectful and they probably wouldn't have sex in your house anyway but it is nice to be together. When dh and I stayed at his parents, before and after marriage we would never have had more than a snog at bed time. PIL in the next room is not conducive and it felt respectful not to.

Chocolatewheatos · 23/12/2021 07:38

You were unreasonable with your daughter and you're unreasonable with your son. They're grown men, it's really not acceptable to be so intrusive and controlling. And it won't stop them having sex if they want to anyway.

Dyrne · 23/12/2021 07:39

I agree - let your DS share a bed with his boyfriend and if your DD brings up the unfairness then apologise to her and acknowledge that you were being utterly batshit before and have changed your ways.

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2021 07:40

Honestly don’t be weird and respect the fact they are adults, let them sleep on the same bed.

JustJustWhy · 23/12/2021 07:41

Dh wants them to sleep in separate rooms.

Why?

Beachbabe1 · 23/12/2021 07:43

Ridiculous, mean and very old fashioned! If you want them to not fully enjoy their time at your house, make them sleep seperately! They will probably be really offended by that and possibly even think you don't agree with same sex relationships?

EdenFlower · 23/12/2021 07:44

What do you mean 'our parents agree' ?

ImInStealthMode · 23/12/2021 07:46

I can sort of understand separating horny teens if you don't like the idea of them having sex under your roof, but do adult couples really spend the Christmas break in a house full of family at it like rabbits?

The idea of having sex in my parents house horrifies me (now) so I wouldn't, but I would like to sleep beside my partner.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 23/12/2021 07:47

What have your parents got to do with it?

My DDs are early 20s, proper relationships are ok to sleep in their bed …. no casuals or randoms though.

Abraxan · 23/12/2021 07:48

I think Yalu. They are grown adults.

Do you have a particularly religious background and is the reasoning from this?

I'd have had no issue with the 21y either if a serious relationship.

Fwiw when Dd was 18y and had a serious boyfriend we let them share a bed at home. I wouldn't want her bring back a casual relationship back all the time, but once in a committed relationship I would be fine. I wasn't allowed to share a room with now dh until we moved in together, at both my house and at PIL's which seemed so daft. Obviously we respected it, but it didn't make much sense.

mewkins · 23/12/2021 07:49

@Blossom64265

23 is very different than 21. Presumably your dd has finished education and fully entered adulthood or if still in education is an adult pursuing an advanced degree.

You also can’t discount the pregnancy factor. You don’t have to worry about that here. If your 21 yo was in a same sex relationship, it would be harder to defend the difference, but 21 to 23 is still a big change in independence.

This is nuts. No parent is responsible for their daughter getting pregnant (or not!) at 21! All are adults in this situation. OP and her dh seriously need to loosen their grip.
Staysexyanddontgetmurdered · 23/12/2021 07:51

My Dad used to make me and my now husband sleep separately before we were married. We were 26 and 27. You can bet your life we went out of our way to sleep together at every opportunity we got...just to rebel against the ridiculous rule.

mdh2020 · 23/12/2021 07:52

Things are different now? Things were different when my DD brought her boyfriend home from uni 30 years ago. Of course they should share a room.

User762980 · 23/12/2021 07:55

If DS brought his boyfriend to our house I would just assume they would share the bed.

CriminalOrator · 23/12/2021 07:58

If you do this, it will make them think you’re squeamish about their sex life. You risk damaging your relationship with you son and his partner. They’re adults. Treat them as such.

comfortablyfrumpy · 23/12/2021 08:02

I don't understand why your parents are even involved with this. It is absolutely none of their business .

RowsOfHolly · 23/12/2021 08:05

It makes your DH look weirdly obsessed with sex to insist on keeping them apart.

This is the start of your relationship with a partner your son has felt he wants to introduce into the family. This is an honour to you. Welcome him. Don’t mess it up.

rwalker · 23/12/2021 08:05

I don't think there's a better way to make his BF feel uncomfortable and unwelcome .

On the plus side won't be problem again as doubt the BF will ever want to come to your house again .

diddl · 23/12/2021 08:05

"Our parents agree as they were not married, but did say things seem very different today."

You talk to your parents about whether or not your kids should sleep with their partners in your house??

PaperMonster · 23/12/2021 08:08

No way separate beds! I’m 52 and when I was 18 my OH would come home from the army and share my bed at my parents’ house. Separate rooms at their ages seems a bit bloomin pointless.

Sweetchocolatecandy · 23/12/2021 08:10

Your house, your rules and all that but just accept that your son might cut down/stop visiting you and his bf will probably think you’re ridiculous- like a lot of people on this thread.

AuntieMarys · 23/12/2021 08:13

If I was your son, I wouldn't come. Your dh is being ridiculous

Momijin · 23/12/2021 08:16

@SunshineCake1

For me it is about being fair. If it is going to cause resentment from DD then separate rooms. I actually think a lot of people are more respectful and they probably wouldn't have sex in your house anyway but it is nice to be together. When dh and I stayed at his parents, before and after marriage we would never have had more than a snog at bed time. PIL in the next room is not conducive and it felt respectful not to.
What's disrespectful about having sex in a bedroom? Sex is a loving act in a relationship. It isn't sordid. I don't feel disrespected that my son has sex with his gf in my house. I don't hear it but presume they do. They're adults and in a relationship.

My boyfriend's son had a girl over a few weeks ago. He split with his girlfriend a few months ago. No idea if this girl is his new girlfriend or someone he is having casual sex with. Or they may not have had sex. Neither my bf nor I feel disrespected. None of our business. As long as they are happy and safe, it's good.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 23/12/2021 08:17

Just ask your DS what he would like and do that. Anything else is crazy. My rule for staying over in the same room is the boyfriend or girlfriend has to have had a meal with us beforehand. So no ONOs, but otherwise yes. They are adults!

PoshWatchShitShoes · 23/12/2021 08:18

This is bonkers. They're adults