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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make ds (23) and his boyfriend (26) sleep in separate beds?

408 replies

hypeg · 22/12/2021 23:35

We have ds and his boyfriend coming tomorrow for Christmas. We’ve met the boyfriend once over lunch, and he is lovely.

Dh wants them to sleep in separate rooms. Now obviously when they are in their own city they must share a bed as they stay over at each other’s places.

But when our dd had her then boyfriend stay for Christmas when she was 21, we made them sleep in separate beds then. Our parents agree as they were not married, but did say things seem very different today.

OP posts:
The100thHoliday · 23/12/2021 09:26

Bonkers. Two grown men made to sleep separately like a couple of naughty teens?! Behave!

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 23/12/2021 09:27

I see the OP didn’t return…

But anyway, this is weirdly controlling. Why should they sleep in separate rooms unless they want to? They are grown men, not teenagers. What is It that offends your DH about the thought of then having sex, so much so that he needs to keep them apart? Were you and he both virgins when you married?

And what if they chose never to marry? Can they never sleep together under your roof? Someone I know has been with her partner for over twenty years and they have two kids - would she still have to sleep separately from him in your house if she were your child?

Bizarre.

Whammyyammy · 23/12/2021 09:27

Your house, your rules. But its 2021 and they're adults. Seems very weird putting them in separate rooms, doubt they'll visit much after. Your loss.

nitsandwormsdodger · 23/12/2021 09:27

If I was your Guest I’d think you were massive dicks to separate adults

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 23/12/2021 09:27

My adult children have shared rooms with their partners at ours since they first left home for uni. They've never abused that by bringing casuals or ONSs home. I think you are being old fashioned but if you feel strongly about it then it has to be your house, your rules.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/12/2021 09:29

Is your husband an Harry Enfield character?

At 23 and 26, of course you’re being unreasonable.

Applesonthelawn · 23/12/2021 09:32

I suppose the chronology of acceptance was that parents were fine with their children having sex outside marriage long before they accepted their kids were in same sex relationships. So if you are okay with the latter, it just seems odd that you are not okay with the former. But each to their own.

BurbageBrook · 23/12/2021 09:32

So old fashioned and silly. What pearl-clutching idiocy to make twenty-somethings have separate bedrooms. I wouldn’t come to yours often.

DurhamDurham · 23/12/2021 09:32

I went to visit my boyfriend's parents and they put us in separate bedrooms. I was pregnant at the time but apparently that didn't make a difference to them Grin

Confrontayshunme · 23/12/2021 09:33

My ILs are Christians, and my DH and SIL were asked to have separate rooms before we got married, but we never lived together as we are Christians too. When BIL told parents his girlfriend of 2 years would be staying in his room or not coming, they changed the rules. None of us minded at all. Do what makes the visiting partner most comfortable.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 23/12/2021 09:35

I think it may be that deep down your husband has an issue with your son’s sexuality. DH and I have talked to each other about this for our future selves…kids too young as yet. He said if one of the boys bought a female back he wouldn’t have an issue but would feel differently if they bought a man back. I told him that he was homophobic and needed to sort himself out. He states not as he doesn’t have problems with same sex couples…but deep down; he doesn’t want that for one of his own children. I’ve told him that’s double standards and he still needs to give himself a talking to🤷‍♀️

JabberT1me3 · 23/12/2021 09:35

The "children" aged 20+ have a choice to stay in an airb&b or hotel or stay in the family home

Yes you are making them feel unwelcome

But your house, your rules

Sidge · 23/12/2021 09:37

@Friendofdennis

No the world hasn’t ‘moved on ‘ for everyone. Some people have strong moral reasons to abstain from sex outside of marriage
And that’s fine for them, personally.

Not something they should inflict on anyone else.

I’m not married to my boyfriend of a year. I don’t care a jot about sex outside marriage. Would you put us in separate rooms (we’re in our fifties) or is that just for young people?

Goldi321 · 23/12/2021 09:38

You’ve turned it into a big thing when it really didn’t need to be.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 23/12/2021 09:40

@DurhamDurham

I went to visit my boyfriend's parents and they put us in separate bedrooms. I was pregnant at the time but apparently that didn't make a difference to them Grin
This is what my parents did when I was pregnant with my first and we had my fiancé over for Christmas. Oh, the logic 😂

OP I think you're being ridiculous. One of them is cracking on for 30 and you're treating them like naughty teenagers. Either let them share a room or be prepared for them to feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. I would 100% refuse your invite if I were your DS.

namechange30455 · 23/12/2021 09:45

@hypeg

We have ds and his boyfriend coming tomorrow for Christmas. We’ve met the boyfriend once over lunch, and he is lovely.

Dh wants them to sleep in separate rooms. Now obviously when they are in their own city they must share a bed as they stay over at each other’s places.

But when our dd had her then boyfriend stay for Christmas when she was 21, we made them sleep in separate beds then. Our parents agree as they were not married, but did say things seem very different today.

Even your parents think you're being old fashioned FFS

Why does your DH want them to sleep in separate rooms?

Benjispruce5 · 23/12/2021 09:46

My sister was ‘with child’ at 22 and not married When her soon to be husband came to stay, DM made him sleep downstairs.Confused

MrsBaublesDylan · 23/12/2021 09:48

It will make everything really awkward. Is dh prepared for ds to creep into bf room so they have have an Xmas bonk?

No!

Blinkingbatshit · 23/12/2021 09:49

This is something I’m afraid you and your dh need to get over.

LeedleLee · 23/12/2021 09:51

At 23 and 26? Well into adulthood? Yes, YABU.

BorisBooster · 23/12/2021 09:51

My parents did this to me. I very rarely stayed. I allow my sons to share room / bed with girlfriend in our house.
Rather have a houseful of children and make it welcoming for their partners than not have them around.

neverbeenskiing · 23/12/2021 09:53

YABVU. Don't be at all surprised if your DS's partner assumes that you and your DH are homophobic and chooses not to visit. In which case, you may find you see a lot less of your DS going forward. I would find it upsetting and embarrassing to be told, as an adult in a commited relationship, that I wasn't "allowed" to sleep in the same bed as my partner. I would see it as a sign that we were not really welcome and I wouldn't subject myself or a partner to that.

liverpoolgal82 · 23/12/2021 09:54

What happens 20 years down the line and they are not married? Still separate rooms?

SleighbellsZ · 23/12/2021 09:56

YABU

Anotherbrokenairer · 23/12/2021 09:57

Whilst I think it doesn't make sense to keep them in separate rooms if it's one rule for one it's the same for the other. Explain to your son the reason, I'm sure he wouldn't want his sister to feel like she's being treated differently.
I used to nod and smile understandingly to my parents treating my sibling differently but as an adult it's always there in the back of my mind (especially as older adults we still get different treatment and its become a habit they can't break).