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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make ds (23) and his boyfriend (26) sleep in separate beds?

408 replies

hypeg · 22/12/2021 23:35

We have ds and his boyfriend coming tomorrow for Christmas. We’ve met the boyfriend once over lunch, and he is lovely.

Dh wants them to sleep in separate rooms. Now obviously when they are in their own city they must share a bed as they stay over at each other’s places.

But when our dd had her then boyfriend stay for Christmas when she was 21, we made them sleep in separate beds then. Our parents agree as they were not married, but did say things seem very different today.

OP posts:
Scrooge89 · 23/12/2021 10:05

My husband and I slept in separate rooms until we got married at both our parent’s houses.

yomellamoHelly · 23/12/2021 10:06

My PIL used to do this when we stayed with them (in our early 20s). (Now) dh would creep about when the coast was clear so we could share. It only changed after we bought a flat together (having rented a flat together for a year already ...) Just created extra work for them, though we were too embarrassed to ever challenge them on it

Landof · 23/12/2021 10:09

Why are you acting like your children are teenagers by making them have separate rooms with their partners?!

GatoradeMeBitch · 23/12/2021 10:20

I feel like this is a bit more loaded, I'd be concerned about making them feel not accepted.

Maybe what you should do is when you speak to your daughter next, give a brief apology for making her and her partner stay in separate rooms. Say you've decided it's an old-fashioned mindset.

j712adrian · 23/12/2021 10:21

No big deal, who has a second double bed knocking around? They'll find it erotic anyway.

Stravaig · 23/12/2021 10:23

I don't think 'it has to be same rule as for daughter' works at all.

Partly because separating adult guests is just wrong, so OP&DH should acknowledge it, apologise to daughter if necessary, and move on to more respectful adult relationships all around.

More importantly though, daughter's heterosexual relationship is the norm, expected and accepted everywhere. Son and boyfriend will have to fight for that acceptance everywhere they go. OP/DH say it's not about homophobia, but it could easily be experienced as such. Separating them reinforces discrimination and prejudice that son and boyfriend will face throughout their lives.

OP, what if this boyfriend is the one? Future partner, husband, father of your grandchildren? Perhaps welcome him with an eye to the future ...

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 23/12/2021 10:23

I have 3 older DSC, 22 year old DSS and his girlfriend share a room, 19 DSD (nearly 20 yr old) will share with her boyfriend. We have a just turned 17 year old and probably wouldn't allow him with his girlfriend to share room yet (he hasn't asked) and pretty confident her parents wouldn't want us to.

FeedMeSantiago · 23/12/2021 10:24

DH and I were together for about 12 years before we got married (although we were 18 when we got together so quite young) and we had to sleep in separate rooms at MIL and FILs. We were in the same room but separate beds (two singles) a couple of times before we married after which we've been in the same bed. We lived together for 9 years before we married.

As long as you're not insisting on separate beds due to them being a same sex couple then it's fine.

Etinoxaurus · 23/12/2021 10:26

If you have space I think it's ideal to always make up a spare extra bed for guests. I remember hearing a comment on the radio about a young woman staying downstairs tidying at her parents house rather than go upstairs to her abusive partner.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 23/12/2021 10:28

My mum tried this once. I told her if she couldn’t treat me and DP like adults we wouldn’t be staying over - ever.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 23/12/2021 10:28

Some of you sound really petty. You’d really cancel because your parents asked you to stay in a separate room from your boy/girlfriend?!

It’s not weird or creepy or ridiculous - OP has the right to draw the line at what she is comfortable with in her own home.

Yea maybe her and her husband do need to examine why they feel the need to have them in separate rooms when they’re happy their son is in a committed relationship. But that’s for them to do and decide - she came here for opinions not for people to make out like she’s going to cause irreparable harm to her family ffs Hmm

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 23/12/2021 10:33

If my mother treated me and actual long term partner as adults like teenagers ? Yes.

It’s not as though we ever had intentions to marry anyway so what exactly would be the point where we were accepted as a unit ?

The key point though for me is that my mother is quite controlling in other areas and tried to manage my life as an adult and I had to put a stop to it and be very firm with my boundaries. This may or may not apply to OP but it is my perspective and I have offered it.

GatoradeMeBitch · 23/12/2021 10:33

If you have space I think it's ideal to always make up a spare extra bed for guests. I remember hearing a comment on the radio about a young woman staying downstairs tidying at her parents house rather than go upstairs to her abusive partner.

That's quite an extreme example...

PoleFairy · 23/12/2021 10:46

I was allowed to share a bed with my boyfriend from the age of 17. My parents rule was; if you're both 16 and in a relationship then it's fine to share a bed. Hes my husband now at almost 31 so it can't have done us much harm.

His parents made us sleep separately for the first 2 years or our relationship, even when I was at uni and they knew we were sharing a bed when he came to stay with me. I found the whole thing really bizarre. Like we weren't allowed to sleep beside each other in one bedroom. Anyway, his room was downstairs so we would sleep together and he would set an alarm for 5am and move onto the couch for when they woke up.

ElectraBlue · 23/12/2021 10:51

What? they are both adults not teenagers...just odd really,

They share a bed as a couple the rest of the time so why pretend this is not happening?

Personally I would just refuse to stay under your roof under these conditions.

Etinoxaurus · 23/12/2021 10:53

@GatoradeMeBitch

If you have space I think it's ideal to always make up a spare extra bed for guests. I remember hearing a comment on the radio about a young woman staying downstairs tidying at her parents house rather than go upstairs to her abusive partner.

That's quite an extreme example...

Sadly I don’t think it’s extreme. The first time I met my now mil she put me and now husband in together. I was very young and we’d not been seeing each other very long. I was shocked not that we weren’t already shagging but it just seemed rather unsisterly iyswim. Even a pillow and blanket on a sofa as an option would have been kind.
HaveringWavering · 23/12/2021 10:57

Did I read this right- you’ve been discussing this with your own parents? How very strange.

HaveringWavering · 23/12/2021 11:00

@FeedMeSantiago

DH and I were together for about 12 years before we got married (although we were 18 when we got together so quite young) and we had to sleep in separate rooms at MIL and FILs. We were in the same room but separate beds (two singles) a couple of times before we married after which we've been in the same bed. We lived together for 9 years before we married.

As long as you're not insisting on separate beds due to them being a same sex couple then it's fine.

Wow, did your PIL run a hotel? They had both a twin bedded room and a double available?
RowsOfHolly · 23/12/2021 11:01

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

Some of you sound really petty. You’d really cancel because your parents asked you to stay in a separate room from your boy/girlfriend?!

It’s not weird or creepy or ridiculous - OP has the right to draw the line at what she is comfortable with in her own home.

Yea maybe her and her husband do need to examine why they feel the need to have them in separate rooms when they’re happy their son is in a committed relationship. But that’s for them to do and decide - she came here for opinions not for people to make out like she’s going to cause irreparable harm to her family ffs Hmm

The problem is that ‘what she is comfortable with in her own home’ inevitably involves some subjective judgement.

Not wanting smoking, or illegal drugs, or a destructive / allergy-causing dog in your home all have clear health/ legal or practical implications.

Not wanting adults who are in an established relationship to share a room during the hours of midnight to 8am involves moral judgement about either sex or relationships.

So family members might well feel alienated, judged or not welcome - just as ‘uncomfortable’ as the OP’s DH. They have as much right to choose not to feel uncomfortable as the OP and DH.

Why is that petty?

MorningStarling · 23/12/2021 11:07

I can't believe how the voting has gone on this, 9/10 people think someone doesn't have the right to decide how their guests should behave in their own home? Wow. Especially given as he's only 23, that's hardly an adult.

wtaf37 · 23/12/2021 11:07

being under your parents roof whether in the same room or not, is the biggest passion killer ever.
I understand that views of morality are different between generations (and families), so if this really is a no-no, perhaps explain to them before they arrive so it isn't a shock or a joy-killer. Suspect they will accept this as reasons are given

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 23/12/2021 11:12

I was allowed to share a bed with my boyfriend from the age of 17. My parents rule was; if you're both 16 and in a relationship then it's fine to share a bed. Hes my husband now at almost 31 so it can't have done us much harm.

This is my rule too. My oldest 2 DC had serious bf/gf at 17 and I let them stay overnight. In fact they both moved in with us permanently while they were at college/uni and it helped them all save to move out! I showed them how to budget and save, gave them advice on how to deal with bills and other things life might throw at them, advised them on what to expect when looking at renting etc, and they appreciated that I didn't treat them like little kids. They're early twenties now, both happily in their own homes, engaged to aforementioned partners, and both have a young DS.

I honestly don't get parents who have an issue with their DC becoming adults and try to continue treating them like kids.

VickyEadieofThigh · 23/12/2021 11:15

@HalfTermHalfTerm

It’s your house so really you can do whatever you like.

However I do think it’s ridiculous to make two consenting adults sleep in separate rooms when you know they are sharing a bed the rest of the time. Is it because your husband doesn’t like the thought of them having sex in your house? I presume not as you’d let them share if they were married and as far as I’m aware married people still have sex.

I don't know about everyone else, but when I took my partner home and we slept in the same bed, having sex there was the furthest thing from our minds!
Flowers500 · 23/12/2021 11:15

@MorningStarling

I can't believe how the voting has gone on this, 9/10 people think someone doesn't have the right to decide how their guests should behave in their own home? Wow. Especially given as he's only 23, that's hardly an adult.
9/10 people think OP should put maintaining a relationship with her children over being a twat. The BF wants to spend Xmas with his BF, not sleep alone in a box room at the home of some suspected homophobes.
KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 23/12/2021 11:15

Especially given as he's only 23, that's hardly an adult.

Are you joking with this comment? I had 2 small DC by the time I was 23, a home of my own and a full time job. I can assure you that I was most definitely an adult at that age Confused