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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to ILs on Christmas day?

112 replies

Exhausted18 · 22/12/2021 22:14

We are supposed to be going to ILs house for Xmas. We have 2 DC, including a newborn. Have found out DNiece who will also be there, has a viral illness. AIBU to not want to go with a newborn and risk the baby catching something? PIL are used to having their sons and grandchildren around them and are piling on the pressure, saying DNiece is "practically better now". (She only got sick 2 days ago).

DP is acting off with me now. I'm pissed off and feeling walked over all the time with them. There's backstory there (of course there is..). Im prepared to be told I'm over reacting, but please be kind, I'm having a rough time at the minute and feeling very isolated. Thanks.

OP posts:
3peassuit · 22/12/2021 22:16

I would keep a newborn away from anyone with a virus.

SantasGotABigOne · 22/12/2021 22:20

How old is your newborn?
I think its impossible to keep a newborn away from illnesses especially since you have two DC. Itll help build up their immune system if they were to get ill. There's every chance they won't though.

Now, whats the real reason why you don't want to go?

olympicsrock · 22/12/2021 22:21

Don’t do it. Stay at home and put your baby over your in laws wishes.
I took DS aged 4 weeks to a Christmas service. He caught a viral illness. The next 2 weeks were the most horrific ever. Tiny baby struggling to breathe and snuffling away. It was terrifying . We both spent every night petrified he would deteriorate . DOI - I am a very chilled doctor usually.

Tiny babies catch every bug going ( I was breast feeding) and there tiny airways don’t cope.

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 22/12/2021 22:24

Keep your baby away from people who are ill, it’s perfectly reasonable when they’re newborn.

Having dealt with this same situation myself with a newborn, put your foot down and start as you mean to go on. My partner was thankfully on the same page as me though. Your partner needs to grow up and stop worrying about keeping his mummy and daddy happy at the expense of you and his child.

Wendarl · 22/12/2021 22:50

Totally put your foot down. You can’t always be fortunate enough not to have a sick newborn but having experienced it id do everything to avoid it. It’s a short period of time, there’s plenty of time for immune-building (not in first two months and not during winter when NHS so stretched IMO!)

Hope you’re doing ok, motherhood is so tough and so isolating x

Nanny0gg · 22/12/2021 23:18

@SantasGotABigOne

How old is your newborn? I think its impossible to keep a newborn away from illnesses especially since you have two DC. Itll help build up their immune system if they were to get ill. There's every chance they won't though.

Now, whats the real reason why you don't want to go?

You don't deliberately expose them either.

And you can bet DNiece will be excited and all over the baby.

Stay at home

sarah13xx · 22/12/2021 23:26

Can totally relate to the feeling walked over feeling with my in-laws. I’ve started putting my foot down a bit more and trying not to just let them do whatever they want with our baby when it’s affecting his routine etc but they actually just answer me back and do a laugh at the end like I’m being paranoid when actually he’s my child, it’s me that’s up during the night after they go home every single time because they don’t listen and they should respect my boundaries.

If you don’t feel comfortable don’t be forced into going. There’s enough going about just now without that too

Notonthestairs · 22/12/2021 23:32

Can you suggest an alternative date? New Years Day?
When would you feel able to visit?

HeddaGarbled · 22/12/2021 23:34

Depends what the “viral illness” is and whether anyone else in the family gets it: it’ll be 5 days by Christmas Day.

Original poster
Exhausted18 · 22/12/2021 23:34

Thank you all. I appreciate you taking the time to respond, im actually feeling emotional not to be criticised again. I am just hearing how ridiculous I am being from DP's family and its wearing me down. I wish I had my own family around, sadly not seen them in a year.

@SantasGotABigOne Baby is 5 weeks. The real reason? I really can't cope with another round of sickness in the house at the min, it just feels constant. Baby has colic and I'm exhausted. My older DC picks up everything going (she's asthmatic and her immune system is poor). And DP has a medical condition that means all night wakings are on me.

ILs also have a habit of just doing what suits them and saying (or omitting) whatever they think they need to to get their way. For example, they've called to our house (they live 2 mins away) and held the baby while failing to mention that they were in contact with someone symptomatic and waiting PCR results. That sort of thing. So it wouldn't surprise me if DNiece is still in the throes of whatever bug she's picked up. I would normally totally agree about building up immunity but baby hasn't even had his first set of jabs yet.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2021 23:35

Don’t go. It’s very selfish of your inlaws to minimise the risk. It won’t be them caring for a poorly baby if she catches something nasty. Why is DP more worried about upsetting them than you or your baby?

SnugKnights · 22/12/2021 23:36

@SantasGotABigOne

How old is your newborn? I think its impossible to keep a newborn away from illnesses especially since you have two DC. Itll help build up their immune system if they were to get ill. There's every chance they won't though.

Now, whats the real reason why you don't want to go?

When I told my GP a pharmacist had said this about my newborn, the GP categorically said that it isn’t true in the case of a newborn. He said you should always keep them away from viruses when they’re so little as they can become serious for them.
ANameChangeAgain · 22/12/2021 23:41

It really does depend what the virus is. Can you ask your midwife for advice?

Houseplantmad · 22/12/2021 23:48

Trust your gut. Don't be swayed. Your baby, your decision.

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 22/12/2021 23:57

We are supposed to be going to ILs house for Xmas. We have 2 DC, including a newborn. Have found out DNiece who will also be there, has a viral illness. AIBU to not want to go with a newborn and risk the baby catching something? Nope PIL are used to having their sons and grandchildren around them and are piling on the pressure they need to learn to respect your wishes, saying DNiece is "practically better now". (She only got sick 2 days ago).

DP is acting off with me now he needs to put his selfish behaviour aside and respect your wishes and concern for your newborn and you as a new mum. I'm pissed off and feeling walked over all the time with them then you start as you mean to go on. There's backstory there (of course there is..) you need to put your foot down NOW. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.
Im prepared to be told I'm over reacting no you are definitely not!, but please be kind, I'm having a rough time at the minute and feeling very isolated you sound like a lovely responsible mum who is doing the very best for her new baby and her self as a new mum when the others should be there for you too! Never mind being in the grip of a pandemic with a new very infectious variant. Thanks you are welcome lovely. You've got this. After all you and baby did the 9months not any of them!.

Yaya26 · 22/12/2021 23:58

I'd be staying put. My 4 week old son picked up a cold of his 2 year old sister and ended up being admitted o hospital as he struggled to breathe. I'd not go meeting trouble halfway.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 23/12/2021 00:02

For goodness sake!
Even in all normal winter you'd surely naturally want to keep a new born! New. Born. Away from germs??

But in a fucking pandemic? Over stretched hospitals etc?
New born babies really really don't need immediate exposure to germs to build up immune systems.
That naturally happens when their bodies are more robust and they start to crawl!!

No op. Do not take the baby. Any reasonable rationale people would not only understand they would totally support you.

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 23/12/2021 00:08

p.s Congratulations on your baby.

Enjoy your first Christmas laying down your new Christmas traditions...and enjoy a peaceful Happy New Year.

Original poster
Exhausted18 · 23/12/2021 00:13

Thank you all again xx. I was really starting to feel like the worst in the world but I will be staying put with my lovely kids and if DP doesn't like it he can go stay there by himself. And to those asking, I'm not sure exactly what virus, BIL just said "viral" when he called this morning but the poor child had high fever, cough, congestion, refusing to eat and very sore, swollen throat.

OP posts:
beenthereboughtthetshirt · 23/12/2021 00:15

Excellent - they have actually done you a favour here. Now from this Christmas on you can set the terms. No one should make you feel 'walked over' let alone with a newborn or a pandemic.

NoNameHere12 · 23/12/2021 00:38

That would be a strong no! Especially at it would be you doing all the night wakings!!

whynotwhatknot · 23/12/2021 00:40

I wouldnt not with the new born -im meant to be seeing a family member xmas day who has chickenpox apparently not that bad whatever that means and im in two minds but i dnt have dc so probably wont be that bad if i do go

Shmithecat2 · 23/12/2021 00:45

YANBU. Regardless of the niece/virus, you shouldn't be going anywhere you don't want to 5 weeks pp. Your DP is a prick for not supporting you.

RobertaFirmino · 23/12/2021 01:15

high fever, cough, congestion, refusing to eat and very sore, swollen throat

Holy shit, I wouldn't want to go myself, let alone take a new baby! Has DN been tested? It's just that if it's Omicron (and it does sound like it...) then she could pass it on to DP. I really can't believe they are being so irresponsible about this.

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2021 01:17

And as your DP's 'condition' ensures he won't be up all night with the kids if they're ill, he doesn't get a say.

He can go on his own if he wants but he should be backing you.

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