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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to ILs on Christmas day?

112 replies

Exhausted18 · 22/12/2021 22:14

We are supposed to be going to ILs house for Xmas. We have 2 DC, including a newborn. Have found out DNiece who will also be there, has a viral illness. AIBU to not want to go with a newborn and risk the baby catching something? PIL are used to having their sons and grandchildren around them and are piling on the pressure, saying DNiece is "practically better now". (She only got sick 2 days ago).

DP is acting off with me now. I'm pissed off and feeling walked over all the time with them. There's backstory there (of course there is..). Im prepared to be told I'm over reacting, but please be kind, I'm having a rough time at the minute and feeling very isolated. Thanks.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 23/12/2021 01:19

Wow for your dp being grumpy wiht you when he seems to have a get out of jail free card for doing a night waking (I can’t help wonder if women with the same condition do get up at nights with their babies…)

Bogofftosomewherehot · 23/12/2021 01:28

@SantasGotABigOne

How old is your newborn? I think its impossible to keep a newborn away from illnesses especially since you have two DC. Itll help build up their immune system if they were to get ill. There's every chance they won't though.

Now, whats the real reason why you don't want to go?

@SantasGotABigOne You don't know what you're talking about. it's different with new borns. For example, chicken pox can cause brain damage in babies under a month old. The common cold sore can prove fatal. It's not a case of building up a newborn's immune system, its a case of protecting them.
RedHelenB · 23/12/2021 02:36

Decide on the day. Children get over viruses very quickly and there's still 3 days to go.

FluffMagnet · 23/12/2021 03:18

Absolutely not being unreasonable OP. I had a cold this year when I had DS (definitely just a cold too, as confirmed by the multiple PCRs I had to take before and at hospital!) that I picked up from DD. I was not as ill as your DN either, and was on about day 7 or 8 of the virus at birth. DS ended up spending his second week of life back in hospital suffering from bronchiolitis, and I had been breastfeeding. It was bloody horrific. I can't believe relatives are willing to risk this with a newborn, especially the father!

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/12/2021 06:24

There is NO WAY I would go. Yanu but totally sensible and normal.

Your dh isn't being very D (unless the d is for dickhead rather than dear)
And would basically rather let a newborn get very ill and put a load of unnecessary pressure on you rather than have his parents be mildly miffed. What a prince. Hmm

He doesn't give a shit so why should you? I'd insist you stay home

WonderingFree · 23/12/2021 06:31

And a note to add that you married your OH not his family. Stand firm, put ur boundaries in and get ur OH to listen to you. Tell him ur exhausted, tell him that you need him to step up. Hope you also get to rest this break.

SiennaSienna · 23/12/2021 06:40

Don’t go. My 5 week old ended up in hospital for a week after coming into contact with another child whose mother later told me he’d had a bit of a temperature that morning. This was before covid and he recovered thankfully but I would be even more nervous now. In Montreal this past week a previously healthy 2 month old died of covid. I’m in Canada so this is something that immediately came to mind.

fourdaysoff · 23/12/2021 06:46

Don't go, pity you didn't know earlier to have more time to prepare the alternative. You can say you are thinking of the NHS and emergency workers by reducing contacts.

Superstar22 · 23/12/2021 06:51

Don’t go.

He’s putting his parents/ tradition/ lack of backbone ahead of your children and your well-being (caring for a sick baby won’t be fun).

You are putting the children first.

Just hold on to this, and don’t go.

GalacticGoddess · 23/12/2021 06:59

Don't go. Protect your health, protect your newborns health. Having a sick newborn is terrifying and grim.

DH can go visit at some point in the day if he's so inclined. Put your foot down OP (presuming you are in a position of safety that you can do this)

What is the viral illness?

abigailsnan · 23/12/2021 07:12

So glad you have decided to stay home with your DCs I would also worry about your OH going to visit them he can bring any illness home with him can he not understand this ?
What is wrong with ILs wanting their ACs& DGCs visit when there are viruses lurking in their homes its totally selfish on their part.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/12/2021 07:14

God no- one family meal for a week of sickness hell with a baby, sod that

Gretaburley · 23/12/2021 07:23

OP I’m asking this generally from pp’s as I’m genuinely intrigued. It’s not a personal question.
What medical condition stops someone getting up with their child in the night?

And definitely set your boundaries with both dh and his family.

Porcupineintherough · 23/12/2021 07:26

I think maybe a little unreasonable given that it will be 5 days be when she got sick and Christmas Day.

Poppins2016 · 23/12/2021 07:28

I think you're right to stay put. You mentioned that your baby hasn't even had their 8 week jabs yet... that means you wouldn't be able to give over-the-counter calpol in the case of a high temperature (and a high temperature could even lead to a hospital stay - note that the NHS advises that you should contact 111 or your GP if your baby is less than 3 months old with a temperature is higher than 38 degrees - it can be dangerous for such a little baby). I'd mention the above as back up reasoning for your decision.

AstroBunny · 23/12/2021 07:30

Fuck that. Don’t go.

And your ‘D’ P sounds like an arse, he can F off too.

Happy Christmas

GoodnightGrandma · 23/12/2021 07:30

You should do whatever YOU want to do, but you can’t make your DH not go.

WildWombat · 23/12/2021 07:41

@Nanny0gg

And as your DP's 'condition' ensures he won't be up all night with the kids if they're ill, he doesn't get a say.

He can go on his own if he wants but he should be backing you.

Absolutely this. What condition means he can't get up occasionally in the night to look after his own children, who he presumably wanted to have?? I know that wasn't the point of your post but this sort of fecklessness from men makes me so cross!
Squeezita · 23/12/2021 07:45

Your DH is a dick being off with you considering he won’t be the one up all night with the baby or toddler when they get sick.

He needs to defer to you on this as you are the most impacted.

Squeezita · 23/12/2021 07:46

Yep what is his condition, OP?

TheDrWillSeeYouNow · 23/12/2021 07:47

Its up to you, but babies do need to be exposed to germs to build their immune system. I'm seeing so many toddlers born in lockdown whose parents sanitised absolutely everything, who now started nursery and get sick All The Time as they never got a chance to develop their immune system.

Thatsplentyjack · 23/12/2021 07:49

I'm usually one to not worry too much about these things, but with a 5 week old baby, absolutely not. I spent a week in hospital with a 6 week old baby because they caught RSV and that was hell on earth watching what he had to go through.

LazySundayPlease · 23/12/2021 07:52

Hi op. Don't go. My 11 day old was rushed to hospital after picking up. Virus from my 19 month old. He had a really high temperature. They had to do a lumbar puncture on my tiny baby to rule out meningitis. He was then kept in hospital for 3 nights, totally unable to control his temperature. It was a nightmare. Tell your husband this!

Fendidntdrake · 23/12/2021 07:56

Can your DP just call on them for a couple of hours?

Pinkypenguin · 23/12/2021 07:59

@Squeezita

Yep what is his condition, OP?
I'd like to know this too.

If he wanted to help there are surely ways round this, at least at weekends: like him going to bed early sometimes, so he can still have a full night's sleep and you can have a lie in, or at least taking the baby out during the day so you get a nap.

It sounds like an excuse to get out of the inconvenient parts of parenting. You shouldn't get to the stage of feeling exhausted.