Who is being unreasonable?

[RedSquirrel111]

Friend A is self isolating after a positive PCR today. Friend A lives on their own.

Friend B is helping out by picking up shopping.

Friend A has written a list to pick up and will pay Friend B back. List includes cigarettes.

Friend B despises smoking and says she'll pick up food and medication but not cigarettes.

WIBU??

I would feel miserable and guilty putting money - even someone else’s money - in the hands of big tobacco. Forgive her.

If she thought the friend was really obese would she refuses to pick up junk food too? It's not like she's asking her to buy something that's illegal. B should either help or don't help. But don't be a sanctimonious prick about it.

Friend B is being unreasonable and needlessly mean. Buying cigarettes doesn't affect her and it's obviously making a difficult situation for you even more unpleasant.

Her offer of help shouldn't be conditional like that. I probably wouldn't ask a vegan or Muslim friend to get you a pack of sausages, because you don't need them and you could just get an alternative, but you are, presumably, a nicotine addict (no judgement, just being factual) and cigarette packaging is far more robust so you don't feel like you are directly handling the fags like you would if you picked up some sausages so she should just get what you ask for, no matter her morals on the issue.

Maybe now is the perfect time for friend A to quit?

Only joking. Friend B is a dick.

"friend" B is no friend. I used to have arguments about this at work when staff or relis used to say of housebound people "oh well her diabetes/asthma/drinking etcetera will be better controlled now she can't shop as I just won't buy her/let the carer buy her/ sweets/cakes/cigarettes/alcohol. I think smoking is a filthy and stupid habit but if I am shopping for someone else, its not my choice to make.

those of you who say you wouldn't do it....is there nothing that you enjoy that is legal but unhealthy?

@AlternativePerspective

So, A has an illness which can cause serious breathing difficulties, potential lung damage, and lead to hospitalisation on the basis of these, and she wants to potentially worsen these conditions by smoking? There is a huge link between the severity of COVID symptoms and smoking. No way would I be buying cigarettes for someone in those circumstances, as much as I understand A’s position. Any more than I would go out and buy alcohol for an alcoholic in liver failure.

OP, presumably you have either deliveroo or Uber eats in your area/ in which case click on the grocery section and there are numerous outlets, including the drinks ones which sell cigarettes.

whether or not they drink or smoke IS NOT YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE

I hate smoking...truly hate it...but I'd buy your cigarettes because I'm not a twat 🤷‍♀️

I think if friend B said upfront I'm really sorry but I'm not comfortable buying cigarettes when I strongly disagree with them and care for you, that's fine as friend B isn't obligated to do anything they don't want to just like you arent. That then gives you the choice of whether you get friend B to do the trip minus the cigarettes or you don't and instead ask someone else to. If friend B didnt say anything and just turned up without them that is wrong.

I am strongly against smoking. Never have. Neither has my partner. I have family members who have and have quit and on gum. I have friends who still do. I limit my time around those who do because it's awful how it a) impacts their health but b) also other people - even when they think they're blowing smoke away from you, it still gets to you and I don't want to risk my health. I especially hate it when people smoke around children (opening the window or door and smoking out of it doesnt help). If my friend had covid I would be particularly worried/frustrated that they were smoking with a respiratory illness and not helping themselves.

I appreciate that may make me judgey but fair enough, I do judge people who smoke when they could have decided not to and if they already do, could've made more effort to stop as I know it is possible to.

None of that helps you OP I accept, but perhaps explains why your friend just cannot bring herself to buy them. As I said, if she has communicated that to you before shopping and hasn't just not turned up with them i think that's her free choice just as it is yours to smoke.

I think B is being a great friend. Helping when the shops are busy etc.
I hate smoking. I shudder watching people buy them. I wouldn't want to support that industry by buying or handling them.
When you can get them delivered by uber I'd be really annoyed that you'd ask me for them.

Friend B has every right to decline to buy them.
Friend A needs to find another way to get their fix if they don't want to abstain.

I would just be grateful friend B is getting me shopping tbh! Do supermarkets sell cigarettes? I actually don't know, I've not seen then for a long long time. Maybe she just has time to pop in for some quick grocery shopping. Sorry you're feeling rubbish.

OP hope you managed to get some fags.

@godmum56

"friend" B is no friend. I used to have arguments about this at work when staff or relis used to say of housebound people "oh well her diabetes/asthma/drinking etcetera will be better controlled now she can't shop as I just won't buy her/let the carer buy her/ sweets/cakes/cigarettes/alcohol. I think smoking is a filthy and stupid habit but if I am shopping for someone else, its not my choice to make.

I'm not saying you're wrong as I do believe that people should have choice. But for example, have you ever seen 'my 600lb life'? Or similar? You know, the kind of shows where the person weighs around 40 stone and is housebound and near death because of overeating. The only way they keep up at that size is by their enablers, bringing them fast food and mountains of junk. They are immobile themselves so can't leave the house for the food. I often think what are doing?? to the enablers. In these cases, would you continue to bring crappy food to the person?

I think B is being unreasonable. I hate people smoking, have never smoked and never bought any cigarettes. However when my OH had a mental breakdown over the summer he started smoking again but was physically unable to get to the shops to buy any if he was in a state of high anxiety/panic. I went to get the cigarettes on several occasions because I recognised that he believed it would help him and that he needed them and who was I to judge him for that? In the same way, if I was unable to go to the shops and ask for chocolate, biscuits. cakes etc I wouldn't expect someone to say 'No you're too fat and I'm not going to get them for you'.

@blobby10

I think B is being unreasonable. I hate people smoking, have never smoked and never bought any cigarettes. However when my OH had a mental breakdown over the summer he started smoking again but was physically unable to get to the shops to buy any if he was in a state of high anxiety/panic. I went to get the cigarettes on several occasions because I recognised that he believed it would help him and that he needed them and who was I to judge him for that? In the same way, if I was unable to go to the shops and ask for chocolate, biscuits. cakes etc I wouldn't expect someone to say 'No you're too fat and I'm not going to get them for you'.

Agree with this. I gave up smoking years ago but as well as the addiction it was an emotional crutch through very turbulent times. To take that away from someone because of righteous beliefs is frankly controlling and bizarre.

@blobby10

I think B is being unreasonable. I hate people smoking, have never smoked and never bought any cigarettes. However when my OH had a mental breakdown over the summer he started smoking again but was physically unable to get to the shops to buy any if he was in a state of high anxiety/panic. I went to get the cigarettes on several occasions because I recognised that he believed it would help him and that he needed them and who was I to judge him for that? In the same way, if I was unable to go to the shops and ask for chocolate, biscuits. cakes etc I wouldn't expect someone to say 'No you're too fat and I'm not going to get them for you'.

I actually gave up Jan 2020, then started again in April due to anxiety in the first lock down.

I would hate to be friend B in this scenario. I really, really hate smoking to the point where I'm phobic about it. I know it's ridiculous and over the top but so are most phobias. I would want to be a good friend and help A out but the thought of having to touch a packet of cigarettes revolts me. I don't think I'd be able to do it.

www.snappyshopper.co.uk/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAk4aOBhCTARIsAFWFP9GymcTapYHAkc3PvaAwcfLQjUZ14li0odfRM8YiYZp_rT2Z5bkzZZ8aAtHqEALw_wcB

Do you have this near you? They deliver cigarettes!

I once offered to pick up shopping for a pregnant neighbour, as she was supposed to rest due to high blood pressure, she said all she needed was cigarettes, I was an ardent non smoker, but as I had offered, I did it with good grace. However the fact that I have remembered this for 46 years, shows how I really felt.

B is unreasonable. Now is not the time to die on that hill.

I'd ask a different friend to get you some. I couldn't imagine isolating and having no fags
Small pleasures to get you through and I don't smoke

Another for snappy shopper. They will deliver small items.

B is a twat.

I bought cigarettes for someone isolating waiting for PCR results. I was more horrified how bloody expensive they were.
I did buy some food for them too. I wouldn't have just gone for the cigs though.