Special unexpected visitors … sorry very predictable

[Magnoliasstreet]

I have invited 7 of partners family to our house for Christmas for the entire period 24th-28th.
PIL have decided they want to come a night early so they don’t have to drive in the evening 24th night.
AIBU to just expect people to come when they are invited?
I will be hosting 12 people on the busiest days and I just can’t be bothered with more food prep/laundry/hosting.
Partner thinks I’m being unreasonable by questioning the decision.
4 nights to me already seems such a long time!

Oh and be super specific about what you want people to bring so that there cant be any, oh I thought this was what you wanted. Then if they show up without it, send DH to the shops to fix it (with them)

What you are giving up your bed? NO WAY. Visitors get the air mattress .. no wonder they like coming to your festive hotel with free food, comfy beds and distractions from their grumpy lives…you are going to be hosting them for the next 20 yrs if you dont stop being a domestic slave right now. You deserve a nice Christmas too and your dc deserve a Mum who isnt so floored with exhaustion at this time of year that they dont remember having fun with YOU at Christmas

@happychristmasbum

As they are arriving s day early, surely they can leave a day early to balance it out?

Agree with PP. You need to let DH do bloody everything. "Sprain" your wrist if necessary. And make lots of plans to be out and about visiting your friends.

When does your hairdresser reopen? Nails? Massage? Facial?

Some good films on at the cinema OP...

Fuck what they think.

We’ve booked a meal out the day before they’re leaving. They’ll linger very late on the day they’re going. They have form for that. Got to enjoy every minute!! 😂

We’ve booked a meal out the day before they’re leaving.

Which will probably be cancelled due to Covid...

They sound awful. Next year book a Top Secret trip away for yourself, DH and the DC. I can just imagine what your wedding and honeymoon were like with these boundary tramplers

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Partner won’t do the brunt of it as will want to get pissed (something else I loathe)

No no no.

His family, invited for him. He does not sit & get sloshed. He can relax & have a couple when everything is done.

As suggested above, lists of what needs doing. If there is any sign of him sneaking off to get drunk, "darling, have you done xyz so your mum & dad can do/have/eat what they wanted?"

If I leave it MIL will likely do it - caveat is that she will take great pleasure in moaning about how much work she has done over Christmas.

^^^ Tell her it was partner's choice to host & therefore down to him. She doesn't have to be there.
And quite honestly, if they don't want to travel Christmas Eve, then Christmas Day, early morning will be really quiet on the roads!

Do what you need to do on 24th, doesn't matter if it's a bit noisy. Do not keep the kids quiet. That's not fair to them. This is yours & kids home. It is Christmas. The ILs can go swivel if they want to work in peace. Their car would be quiet. If you let them park on the driveway the wifi should still be in range 😁.

Make this work for you. Boundaries this year makes next year so much easier.

Why on earth are you giving up your bed? Put ILs on air bed/camp bed/sofa. Or put kids in your room with you & free up kids room. You are going to need some sactuary whilst your house is over run with guests.

I’ve already offered my bed to decrepit relatives. Can’t have them on the floor. 24th will be whatever I wish in terms of noise. Not interested in working from home tbh.

@happychristmasbum

We’ve booked a meal out the day before they’re leaving.

Which will probably be cancelled due to Covid...

They sound awful. Next year book a Top Secret trip away for yourself, DH and the DC. I can just imagine what your wedding and honeymoon were like with these boundary tramplers

I would love that. I don’t have any money though. SAHP with no joint bank account. This all sounds terrible doesn’t it.

Boundary tramplers they are!

@SeaToSki

What you are giving up your bed? NO WAY. Visitors get the air mattress .. no wonder they like coming to your festive hotel with free food, comfy beds and distractions from their grumpy lives…you are going to be hosting them for the next 20 yrs if you dont stop being a domestic slave right now. You deserve a nice Christmas too and your dc deserve a Mum who isnt so floored with exhaustion at this time of year that they dont remember having fun with YOU at Christmas

Domestic slave is very accurate. So much regret about these decisions now. Oh well. Lesson very much learned.

[quote dirtyfries]@Magnoliasstreet thank you for posting, it's made me realise I need to start putting my foot down with my similar IL's now!

We have a high needs 4mnth old (reflux, allergies, does not sleep etc)

My IL's have started to do the same in terms of tacking on time without invite. In the beginning we asked that they not stay overnight as we really need dark, calm and quiet.
They would then arrive with suitcases as they couldn't possibly do the 90min journey twice in a day.
We accepted this and asked that if all visits where going to be overnight that they do not bring the dog - ignored "we feel bad leaving him with SIL overnight"
Asked that they left first thing in the morning - ignored "we'll have to stay for lunch now or we'll be too hungry for the journey"

Last visit i insisted they had left the house by 9am as I had HV coming at some point in the morning to discuss my rapidly declining mental health. They decided at 10am the dog needed a walk before they could possibly leave and arrived back 5 mins before the HV. They then sat on the other side of my paper thin living room wall listening to my discussion as "we couldn't leave without saying goodbye"

Your post has made me realise the time for polite requests needs to end now!
[/quote]
wow. dirtyfries

please please address this with them.
It takes a lot to have an open conversation, but when you do, most people get cross and then realise they have been knobs and back off.
If they don't back off, then the conversation is even more needed.

Sit down with them in some way and say - since dc was born, I feel like you have not listened to my needs and I am feeling trampled by you. State it simply like you did in this post - I asked, but you did. I needed but you did.

Then be clear about what you need. In future, if we say not over night, then we mean not overnight. If we ask you to leave at 9am, then it means 9. And no, the dog is not welcome, at all, until dc are 10 years old (or whatever). If you cannot respect that, then you are not invited any more.

I would probably just agree to keep the peace but it is rude.

Tell your DH he can host then on that extra night. Or better still say, okay no problem but I've already done the shopping and not accounted for guests on the 23rd so it'll be a sandwich for lunch and a take - away for dinner and low - key.

Your DH can pay for the additional food and make the beds up.

Special unexpected visitors … very predictable?

I assumed it was a thread about nits

don’t have any money though. SAHP with no joint bank account. This all sounds terrible doesn’t it.

Yes
So that means dp is in charge of shopping and paying right?
So let him sort it out

And stop doing things to make him happy
It will never work
Speak to your therapist in new year
Consider your options
Get your own mon ey

@Embracelife

don’t have any money though. SAHP with no joint bank account. This all sounds terrible doesn’t it.

Yes
So that means dp is in charge of shopping and paying right?
So let him sort it out

And stop doing things to make him happy
It will never work
Speak to your therapist in new year
Consider your options
Get your own mon ey

I'm starting work next year for this very reason. I hate the asking for money and being dependent.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Partner thinks family should be able to come and go as they please.

Partner can bloody sort them out then. Why is it down to you?

Because partner didn't invite them. OP did.

If you're partner invited loads if people over for Christmas, gave your bed up for the guests and told you you were to spend your Christmas break sleeping on the floor in your own home, I don't imagine you'd also be happy to be told you had to do all the hosting.

OP
I have given up my bed to my parents, who were way too old to sleep on the floor.
For one night, Christmas night, so they didn't have to drive home.

my mum was mortified thatwe had given up our bed.
She couldn't believe it.
There is NO WAY they would come and expect us to give up our bed for 4/5 nights.

That is how normal guests are. Not entitled.

No invite next year then.

@Magnoliasstreet Don't feel like an idiot. I did for a bit. But XDH only revealed just how bad he was after DD was born. People wonder how women end up with selfish men. Most of the time they reveal their true selves over time, often after you are married/had a child as they feel you will tolerate more then sadly. I tolerated it until I'd absolutely had enough, DD was a teenager, and all efforts to save the marriage were being made from my side, and not his. I am much happier now.

@Magnoliasstreet You do realise OP, that if they're already there when the restrictions come into play, that this may mean they have to stay until new year? Or if any of them test positive whilst there and so they're the. required to isolate?!

Tell your husband you've tested positive!!! Cancel

[quote GrannytoaUnicorn]@Magnoliasstreet You do realise OP, that if they're already there when the restrictions come into play, that this may mean they have to stay until new year? Or if any of them test positive whilst there and so they're the. required to isolate?!

Tell your husband you've tested positive!!! Cancel [/quote]
What??!!! Really? Not thought of that

[quote SpongeBobJudgeyPants]@Magnoliasstreet Don't feel like an idiot. I did for a bit. But XDH only revealed just how bad he was after DD was born. People wonder how women end up with selfish men. Most of the time they reveal their true selves over time, often after you are married/had a child as they feel you will tolerate more then sadly. I tolerated it until I'd absolutely had enough, DD was a teenager, and all efforts to save the marriage were being made from my side, and not his. I am much happier now.[/quote]
The strain of parenthood has revealed some ugly traits I wish I'd seen before.

@fourdayholiday

No invite next year then.

Absolutely not !

Make your dh order take out on the 23rd.
And sort out their beds.
Go to a friends/neighbours for a couple of hours with dc and a bottle of wine whilst he does this.

So the say you are frantically prepping for the descent of 7 guests, not only do they want you hosting a day early but they want to WFH from your house, where you had planned to be frantically prepping??!!

Do they understand it will not be suitable to work there on that day?

OP we discovered a few years ago that there is NO TRAFFIC on Xmas Day. It's honestly the best day to travel as roads so much faster. The big service stations still have to be open. You could suggest that?

@Justwhy123

Why can’t they drive down late afternoon instead? Very rude to assume they can rock up whenever they feel like it!

Because it gets dark at 4pm, probably. But it's still rude.

And I wonder how they think they will work at the OP's house. In their shoes I'd get up early and come down Christmas morning.

I think it's difficult. I'm finding as a I get older (now mid fifties) that I'm not that comfortable driving in the dark. I'm okay in towns with streetlights, but I find it hard on motorways and country roads to a: focus properly in the dark and b:not be really dazzled by oncoming vehicles. I've spoken to the optician and it is what it is, i have astigmatism which makes the dazzly thing worse. I'd only voluntarily drive at night (apart from in town) if it was an emergency. I don't think they are being rude for the sake of it to be honest.

I can also really see your side of it as you've worked out everything based on having that time to prepare without extra guests.