Special unexpected visitors … sorry very predictable

[Magnoliasstreet]

I have invited 7 of partners family to our house for Christmas for the entire period 24th-28th.
PIL have decided they want to come a night early so they don’t have to drive in the evening 24th night.
AIBU to just expect people to come when they are invited?
I will be hosting 12 people on the busiest days and I just can’t be bothered with more food prep/laundry/hosting.
Partner thinks I’m being unreasonable by questioning the decision.
4 nights to me already seems such a long time!

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

Not the same thing *@Magnoliasstreet* but I've hosted 2 different sets of peeps for the last few nights. The hosting wasn't perfect. They were fed, I was nice to them, they had clean bedding. House not very tidy. I was knackered, recently had covid, not fully recovered although all clear now. Meh, they can take it or leave it. Mr Sponge has another unfortunatel wife now, who isn't looking too happy with his antics. I eventually found a new Mr Sponge, who isn't perfect (nor am I ) but is much better, and not a selfish knobhead. I don't stand for as much nonsense now, and wish I hadn't when I was younger. But that time is gone. Yes, I regretted having DD with him, but she is fab, and I wouldn't wish her out of existence. Things to think about later OP, not now, when things are vair stressful.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel like such an idiot for not seeing this coming.

Also so sorry you had to endure similar nonsense. I’m sure your daughter is wonderful despite her father! I’m sure your hosting was great. I think I need to be less of a perfectionist

You have a young Baby still that naps?

"Oh she wouldn't settle had to stay with her" how can they argue with that - alone time with just the youngest will really help recharge your batteries. Yep if need be a migraine or too as well.

@Magnoliasstreet thank you for posting, it's made me realise I need to start putting my foot down with my similar IL's now!

We have a high needs 4mnth old (reflux, allergies, does not sleep etc)

My IL's have started to do the same in terms of tacking on time without invite. In the beginning we asked that they not stay overnight as we really need dark, calm and quiet.
They would then arrive with suitcases as they couldn't possibly do the 90min journey twice in a day.
We accepted this and asked that if all visits where going to be overnight that they do not bring the dog - ignored "we feel bad leaving him with SIL overnight"
Asked that they left first thing in the morning - ignored "we'll have to stay for lunch now or we'll be too hungry for the journey"

Last visit i insisted they had left the house by 9am as I had HV coming at some point in the morning to discuss my rapidly declining mental health. They decided at 10am the dog needed a walk before they could possibly leave and arrived back 5 mins before the HV. They then sat on the other side of my paper thin living room wall listening to my discussion as "we couldn't leave without saying goodbye"

Your post has made me realise the time for polite requests needs to end now!

say yes, but you'll need to bring with you a meal for the evening - something like a lasagna and salad or cottage pie - all ready made and to go in the oven or order a Chinese banquet for everyone and some bread and cheese for a ploughman's on xmas eve lunch time

they can't really grumble at that

Don’t look a sensible gift horse in the mouth.

PILs capable of driving a sensible day early - given heavy traffic & imminent super snow storm - are your extra hands you need to help you & your DH get everything organised.

Get on the front foot, ring PILS now ‘ Hurrah you coming early to help us, soooo grateful for your help. I am drawing up a list of essential things for you to do with/without your car OTHERWISE you’ll be in my way.’

They either turn up early & really help/come along as planned or turn up & be useless.

[quote dirtyfries]@Magnoliasstreet thank you for posting, it's made me realise I need to start putting my foot down with my similar IL's now!

We have a high needs 4mnth old (reflux, allergies, does not sleep etc)

My IL's have started to do the same in terms of tacking on time without invite. In the beginning we asked that they not stay overnight as we really need dark, calm and quiet.
They would then arrive with suitcases as they couldn't possibly do the 90min journey twice in a day.
We accepted this and asked that if all visits where going to be overnight that they do not bring the dog - ignored "we feel bad leaving him with SIL overnight"
Asked that they left first thing in the morning - ignored "we'll have to stay for lunch now or we'll be too hungry for the journey"

Last visit i insisted they had left the house by 9am as I had HV coming at some point in the morning to discuss my rapidly declining mental health. They decided at 10am the dog needed a walk before they could possibly leave and arrived back 5 mins before the HV. They then sat on the other side of my paper thin living room wall listening to my discussion as "we couldn't leave without saying goodbye"

Your post has made me realise the time for polite requests needs to end now!
[/quote]
Oh gosh that’s awful and so inconsiderate.
We can unite together! For our own mental health and well-being

I think I will. I’m not sure I can be bothered with all the gushing over my partner though- how great he is/ how lazy i am

If I leave it MIL will likely do it - caveat is that she will take great pleasure in moaning about how much work she has done over Christmas

more unsoliticted advise from me

you need to tune out the BS and enjoy trolling the in laws a bit...
it's good to have a few stock phrases in your pocket for these situations which come up REPEATEDLY.

For the "you are lazy DH is amazing" I recommend something like
I know! Isn't DH amazing? i am very lucky, but he will be the first to tell you he is even luckier to have me as I do it the other 360 days a year! Anyone want a top up? I know I DO*

when MIL is being a martyr

1. make this face
2. gently scold your DH but do it loudly "DH!!! have you seen this? your poor mother is breaking her back - she needs to sit down and take it easy doesnt she???"
3. insist MIL sits down (physically escort her to a seat if need be)
4. talk up how wonderful her son is, say you will get her a drink as she mustnt do A THING, assert again she needs a rest and then give DH the side eye and tell him dinner wont cook itself

You need to pull on your big girl pants and fight fire with fire.

@UniversalAunt

Don’t look a sensible gift horse in the mouth.

PILs capable of driving a sensible day early - given heavy traffic & imminent super snow storm - are your extra hands you need to help you & your DH get everything organised.

Get on the front foot, ring PILS now ‘ Hurrah you coming early to help us, soooo grateful for your help. I am drawing up a list of essential things for you to do with/without your car OTHERWISE you’ll be in my way.’

They either turn up early & really help/come along as planned or turn up & be useless.

Think they’ll take that as code for spending time with me. One is WFH but maybe the other can be persuaded to do my list of errands.

@ivykaty44

say yes, but you'll need to bring with you a meal for the evening - something like a lasagna and salad or cottage pie - all ready made and to go in the oven or order a Chinese banquet for everyone and some bread and cheese for a ploughman's on xmas eve lunch time

they can't really grumble at that

I will ask I think. Good plan.

@RandomMess

You have a young Baby still that naps?

"Oh she wouldn't settle had to stay with her" how can they argue with that - alone time with just the youngest will really help recharge your batteries. Yep if need be a migraine or too as well.

Yes very good plan. Farewell multiple hours haha! Yeah

As they are arriving s day early, surely they can leave a day early to balance it out?

Agree with PP. You need to let DH do bloody everything. "Sprain" your wrist if necessary. And make lots of plans to be out and about visiting your friends.

When does your hairdresser reopen? Nails? Massage? Facial?

Some good films on at the cinema OP...

Fuck what they think.

His family’s way of doing things is normal.

It might be in some families - evidently yours is one of them - but I can assure you it’s definitely not normal in many other families.

I’m sure there are plenty of families where people are rude, obnoxious, entitled and ill behaved and everyone thinks it’s perfectly normal, but that doesn’t mean that the rest of us who understand boundaries and respect and good manners are abnormal.

"Oh lovely, you can buy us all a takeaway on the 23rd, give me a break before I have to start cooking for everyone, thanks!"

I’m going to delegate and then disappear for several hours every day.
Partner won’t do the brunt of it as will want to get pissed (something else I loathe)
If I leave it MIL will likely do it - caveat is that she will take great pleasure in moaning about how much work she has done over Christmas

Nah - it's not a caveat, if she has a horrible time having to assist with the hosting instead of sitting on her bum being waited on, then maybe they won't extend their visit next time. There's always an upside.

One thing though - your partner gets the Xmas they want, your ILs get the Xmas they want, when do you get the Xmas you want?

You are effectively running a hotel over Christmas whilst parenting a 4 month old and a 3 year old.

I'd be inventing some reason why the whole thing was off!

@Totalwasteofpaper

I think I will. I’m not sure I can be bothered with all the gushing over my partner though- how great he is/ how lazy i am

If I leave it MIL will likely do it - caveat is that she will take great pleasure in moaning about how much work she has done over Christmas

more unsoliticted advise from me

you need to tune out the BS and enjoy trolling the in laws a bit...
it's good to have a few stock phrases in your pocket for these situations which come up REPEATEDLY.

For the "you are lazy DH is amazing" I recommend something like
I know! Isn't DH amazing? i am very lucky, but he will be the first to tell you he is even luckier to have me as I do it the other 360 days a year! Anyone want a top up? I know I DO*

when MIL is being a martyr

1. make this face
2. gently scold your DH but do it loudly "DH!!! have you seen this? your poor mother is breaking her back - she needs to sit down and take it easy doesnt she???"
3. insist MIL sits down (physically escort her to a seat if need be)
4. talk up how wonderful her son is, say you will get her a drink as she mustnt do A THING, assert again she needs a rest and then give DH the side eye and tell him dinner wont cook itself

You need to pull on your big girl pants and fight fire with fire.

Big girl pants 😂

@OakPine

You are effectively running a hotel over Christmas whilst parenting a 4 month old and a 3 year old.

I'd be inventing some reason why the whole thing was off!

Orange juice in the LFT is so so tempting!

Partner thinks family should be able to come and go as they please.

Partner can bloody sort them out then. Why is it down to you?

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

His family’s way of doing things is normal.

It might be in some families - evidently yours is one of them - but I can assure you it’s definitely not normal in many other families.

I’m sure there are plenty of families where people are rude, obnoxious, entitled and ill behaved and everyone thinks it’s perfectly normal, but that doesn’t mean that the rest of us who understand boundaries and respect and good manners are abnormal.

It’s the boundaries I find the hardest thing. You don’t even want to know about our wedding and honeymoon. I am so embarrassed I let it happen

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Partner thinks family should be able to come and go as they please.

Partner can bloody sort them out then. Why is it down to you?

I will make him. Cba with the nonsense!

@CrappyXmasMarket

*I’m going to delegate and then disappear for several hours every day. Partner won’t do the brunt of it as will want to get pissed (something else I loathe) If I leave it MIL will likely do it - caveat is that she will take great pleasure in moaning about how much work she has done over Christmas*

Nah - it's not a caveat, if she has a horrible time having to assist with the hosting instead of sitting on her bum being waited on, then maybe they won't extend their visit next time. There's always an upside.

One thing though - your partner gets the Xmas they want, your ILs get the Xmas they want, when do you get the Xmas you want?

I had the Xmas I wanted when my 2.5 year old had his first Xmas and all my partner did was sulk because he wasn’t having ‘fun’

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

His family’s way of doing things is normal.

It might be in some families - evidently yours is one of them - but I can assure you it’s definitely not normal in many other families.

I’m sure there are plenty of families where people are rude, obnoxious, entitled and ill behaved and everyone thinks it’s perfectly normal, but that doesn’t mean that the rest of us who understand boundaries and respect and good manners are abnormal.

Yep exactly this. My family on paper is dysfunctional but we still have manners.

Like the PP said. Delegate to all the people coming

MIL can you bring dinner for the 24th. It needs to be ready to put in the oven and be GF and toddler friendly (whatever restrictions you want).

SIL please can you bring Boxing Day lunch/dinner. Ready to put in the oven. I can spare half a shelf in the fridge and half a shelf in the freezer, so plan around that. It needs to be GF and toddler friendly

FIL please can you bring your washing up gloves and apron. I am going to ask you to be the main washer upper for the stay

Anyone else please bring X wine Y spirits Z dessert/chocs etc

DH. You are the master of ceremonies for the whole time, you need to prep the beds and bathrooms, make sure the fridge and freezer are cleaned out and ready for the food everyone is bringing, plan and execute all the entertainment and make all the tea/pour wine and ask your family for help with anything else.

Me? Oh I will cook Christmas lunch and spend time playing with our DC as that is how I want to spend my Christmas…the rest is up to you.

Partner won’t do the brunt of it as will want to get pissed (something else I loathe)

No no no.

His family, invited for him. He does not sit & get sloshed. He can relax & have a couple when everything is done.

As suggested above, lists of what needs doing. If there is any sign of him sneaking off to get drunk, "darling, have you done xyz so your mum & dad can do/have/eat what they wanted?"

If I leave it MIL will likely do it - caveat is that she will take great pleasure in moaning about how much work she has done over Christmas.

^^^ Tell her it was partner's choice to host & therefore down to him. She doesn't have to be there.
And quite honestly, if they don't want to travel Christmas Eve, then Christmas Day, early morning will be really quiet on the roads!

Do what you need to do on 24th, doesn't matter if it's a bit noisy. Do not keep the kids quiet. That's not fair to them. This is yours & kids home. It is Christmas. The ILs can go swivel if they want to work in peace. Their car would be quiet. If you let them park on the driveway the wifi should still be in range 😁.

Make this work for you. Boundaries this year makes next year so much easier.

Why on earth are you giving up your bed? Put ILs on air bed/camp bed/sofa. Or put kids in your room with you & free up kids room. You are going to need some sactuary whilst your house is over run with guests.