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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Special unexpected visitors … sorry very predictable

351 replies

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 10:17

I have invited 7 of partners family to our house for Christmas for the entire period 24th-28th.
PIL have decided they want to come a night early so they don’t have to drive in the evening 24th night.
AIBU to just expect people to come when they are invited?
I will be hosting 12 people on the busiest days and I just can’t be bothered with more food prep/laundry/hosting.
Partner thinks I’m being unreasonable by questioning the decision.
4 nights to me already seems such a long time!

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Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:22

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

When I worked with the public in an extremely stressful role, I was fortunate to live on my own. I used to come home, shut the front door, and thank God I wouldn't have to speak to another human until my next shift.
Same!!
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Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:23

@flowersforbrains

Crikey, that is far too long. The extra night and working from the bedroom is taking the piss.

I wouldn't cater for them that night. It's just too much. They need to arrive later or bring food if they want to eat.

Next year either don't invite them or invite them for two nights maximum.

I read these threads and just shudder. Very glad I am not married to a selfish moron.

Yep. I have chosen poorly!
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Georgy12 · 20/12/2021 13:26

I don't think it's unreasonable of them to come early but bloody unreasonable of your husband to expect you to host them, why isn't he running round after them? 🤔 I'd let them come and would help to an extent but cooking and cleaning for them is over to DP x

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:26

@Squeezita

It sounds like you’re a scapegoat for everyone to take their frustrations out on Sad
I think this is the case too. Everyone else’s dysfunctions land on my plate. Honestly I think each of the PIL would be happier without the other (dead or divorced) but that would mean even more guilt smothered visits because they were lonely.
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SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/12/2021 13:26

Being married to a selfish moron is not irreversible, as the last Mr Sponge found out.

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:27

I think this all boils down to partner not respecting my boundaries. Total disrespect for me and my space, my wishes.
I really thought we’d got somewhere with this but no one ever seems to learn.

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Sparklfairy · 20/12/2021 13:28

You say you hate conflict (and let's face it, no one enjoys it), but doesn't being walked over all the time create inner conflict which is worse to deal with?

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:30

@Sparklfairy

You say you hate conflict (and let's face it, no one enjoys it), but doesn't being walked over all the time create inner conflict which is worse to deal with?
Yes I think so. The resentment boiling up is difficult. Whenever I raise it with partner though, he says I’m the problem. His family’s way of doing things is normal.
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Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:31

@Georgy12

I don't think it's unreasonable of them to come early but bloody unreasonable of your husband to expect you to host them, why isn't he running round after them? 🤔 I'd let them come and would help to an extent but cooking and cleaning for them is over to DP x
Agreed.
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Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:32

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

Being married to a selfish moron is not irreversible, as the last Mr Sponge found out.
I want to protect my children from his toxic family though. In a divorce situation they have to endure all this nonsense on a much more intense scale. I feel like I can be a buffer
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Sloth66 · 20/12/2021 13:34

It sounds my idea of a nightmare anyway.
Are you doing all the work too?

Sparklfairy · 20/12/2021 13:35

His family’s way of doing things is normal.

How arrogant do you have to be to be so blinkered that your way isn't the only way? Hmm

I had a partner like this. "This is the way I do things and you're awkward for disagreeing". They never change. You say you want to act as a buffer for the kids and I get that but there's a huge sense of relief and zen that comes with NMFPA - not my fucking problem anymore Wink

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/12/2021 13:35

That's fair enough @Magnoliasstreet. I waited until mine was older. Various counselling attempts throughout the years worked for about a week, then he went back to his old ways unfortunately. I hope yours works out better.

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:36

@Sloth66

It sounds my idea of a nightmare anyway. Are you doing all the work too?
I’m going to delegate and then disappear for several hours every day. Partner won’t do the brunt of it as will want to get pissed (something else I loathe) If I leave it MIL will likely do it - caveat is that she will take great pleasure in moaning about how much work she has done over Christmas
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Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:37

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

That's fair enough *@Magnoliasstreet*. I waited until mine was older. Various counselling attempts throughout the years worked for about a week, then he went back to his old ways unfortunately. I hope yours works out better.
Thank you. I’m sorry yours didn’t work out. I really don’t want that to happen. Respect is such a big part of things. I feel so stupid for having children !
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Diana8 · 20/12/2021 13:38

You sound like an absolute professional host to be able to have all those people! I hope it all works out and you have a great Christmas. Please don't let this spoil it for you.
Personally, If I was having all those people over anyway, an extra night is something I would take in my stride, and get your DP on board so you are working as a team. If he isn't doing enough, start writing long lists for him and off he will go and do it. xx

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:39

@Sparklfairy

His family’s way of doing things is normal.

How arrogant do you have to be to be so blinkered that your way isn't the only way? Hmm

I had a partner like this. "This is the way I do things and you're awkward for disagreeing". They never change. You say you want to act as a buffer for the kids and I get that but there's a huge sense of relief and zen that comes with NMFPA - not my fucking problem anymore Wink

Can’t imagine the relief! I am not an unreasonable person. I hate having to have the fallout from someone’s immature ego thrown at me when I dare to disagree.
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Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:39

@Diana8

You sound like an absolute professional host to be able to have all those people! I hope it all works out and you have a great Christmas. Please don't let this spoil it for you. Personally, If I was having all those people over anyway, an extra night is something I would take in my stride, and get your DP on board so you are working as a team. If he isn't doing enough, start writing long lists for him and off he will go and do it. xx
Strong and detailed lists are something I’m in favour of
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Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:40

@Diana8

You sound like an absolute professional host to be able to have all those people! I hope it all works out and you have a great Christmas. Please don't let this spoil it for you. Personally, If I was having all those people over anyway, an extra night is something I would take in my stride, and get your DP on board so you are working as a team. If he isn't doing enough, start writing long lists for him and off he will go and do it. xx
And thank you for the festive message! I feel overwhelmed now and not at all Christmassy
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Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:42

Thank you all for posting. It’s helpful to see some practical advice also sympathy. Good to know I’m not a psycho or abnormal

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loveinthe90s · 20/12/2021 13:44

Why be so passive over all of this? If you're an introvert and don't want guests at all why agree? Especially with a baby and a toddler?
But also why not specify dates, and why agree at all if you simply don't have the room? I assumed you lived in a 6 bedroom House at least to agree to all this. Madness.

phoenixrosehere · 20/12/2021 13:45

Yep. I can see where the disrespect comes from. PIL hate each other’s company - one reason I assume that they are desperate to be with us as much as possible.

Oh. Yea, I couldn’t deal with that. We like it drama-free in this house. The only drama we like to see is on tv/movies and in books. I’d definitely be leaving DH to sort his parents if they were like that. Life is too short. I’d relish being the bad guy and tell them no.

StoneofDestiny · 20/12/2021 13:45

I couldn't host all these people for so long. Unbelievable that anybody thinks that adding on an extra night is no problem. Your relatives are very selfish indeed. Catering at Christmas is exhausting enough with out this level of selfishness. Surely they can get up a few hours early to drive down as per original arrangements!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/12/2021 13:46

Not the same thing @Magnoliasstreet but I've hosted 2 different sets of peeps for the last few nights. The hosting wasn't perfect. They were fed, I was nice to them, they had clean bedding. House not very tidy. I was knackered, recently had covid, not fully recovered although all clear now. Meh, they can take it or leave it. Mr Sponge has another unfortunatel wife now, who isn't looking too happy with his antics. I eventually found a new Mr Sponge, who isn't perfect (nor am I ) but is much better, and not a selfish knobhead. I don't stand for as much nonsense now, and wish I hadn't when I was younger. But that time is gone. Yes, I regretted having DD with him, but she is fab, and I wouldn't wish her out of existence. Things to think about later OP, not now, when things are vair stressful.

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:48

@loveinthe90s

Why be so passive over all of this? If you're an introvert and don't want guests at all why agree? Especially with a baby and a toddler? But also why not specify dates, and why agree at all if you simply don't have the room? I assumed you lived in a 6 bedroom House at least to agree to all this. Madness.
I do feel so stupid for agreeing. We have a four bed and we’re sleeping on our sons floor. I suggested it to make partner happy over Christmas.
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