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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About “turns” and the constant need to give me a list of “jobs”

108 replies

Allmadeoflego · 19/12/2021 11:55

I’ll start by caveating that I’m a bit fed up so may be being irrational.

DH seems to recently have a constant thing about balancing household “jobs”. I know I’m lucky that we do things equally - but it’s like “ok so I will take the dog out, you go the the shop, then I’ll cook dinner and you do the dishwasher”. Last night I was like “oh let’s get a takeaway”.
He honestly turned around and said “but then I’ve got two jobs and you only have one”.

When I exploded he backed off saying it was a joke, but honestly this seems to be becoming a “thing”.

Additionally today he’s buggered off to footie and been like “oh you can do x, and y. While I’m out. Erm no - I want to sit and watch telly thank you”

I’m starting to feel like life is a constant round of “jobs to do” and it’s getting me down a bit.

OP posts:
SuPerDoPer · 19/12/2021 11:58

Sounds tedious and is one of the many reasons I'm choosing to stay single now. Lots more "jobs" over all but I do what I want in my own time.

FindingMeno · 19/12/2021 12:00

I'd specifically not do x and y while he's out simply because he told me to.

girlmom21 · 19/12/2021 12:01

Just tell you're an adult and you can see what needs doing.

Having a balanced workload isn't the same as having the same number of jobs.

Neverwrestlewithapig · 19/12/2021 12:01

He is micro-managing you. Whether or not what he is suggesting is reasonable, it is understandable that you - as a fully grown adult - is going to resent being constantly directed. I’m sure there is a way around this… agreed division of jobs early on that you’re each trusted to get on with when you choose, or time set aside when you both get on with jobs?

DeepaBeesKit · 19/12/2021 12:02

The only thing is i think I get a bit like this after a while when DH is doing fuck all around the house unless nagged.

He overestimates the amount he does constantly and the only way to counter it is to show him that I'm doing as much as him and more.

Do you pitch in and do your share around the house? Are you on the same page about how clean and tidy the house needs to be?

Neverwrestlewithapig · 19/12/2021 12:03

What is saying is that talk to him and point out that you’re a grown up who doesn’t need to be parented like a lazy teenager!

AlbertBridge · 19/12/2021 12:07

My first DH was like this. It got so bad, towards the end, that whenever I'd ask him to do something for me I'd see him DESPERATELY trying to think of something he could ask me to do in return. Honestly, it was nuts.

I dumped him. My second DH goes out of his way to be helpful, and it's absolute bliss.

NoNameHere12 · 19/12/2021 12:09

Why does he have to ask you to do it? Do you not see what needs to be done and just do it with him, or is it a case of if he doesn’t ask you do nothing?

If the roles where reversed people would be telling the woman to tell the man what needs doing.

Original poster
Allmadeoflego · 19/12/2021 12:12

@NoNameHere12

Why does he have to ask you to do it? Do you not see what needs to be done and just do it with him, or is it a case of if he doesn’t ask you do nothing?

If the roles where reversed people would be telling the woman to tell the man what needs doing.

So no - it’s more along the lines of ok so tonight the dog needs to be walked, the bins taken out, something got from the shop for example.

Todays “tasks” were - stick a wash on, take the dog for an extra walk (as we are going out later) and can I wrap some presents,

In themselves all fair - it was the fact that it’s presented to me at 8am as my “list of things to do”.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 19/12/2021 12:13

@DeepaBeesKit

The only thing is i think I get a bit like this after a while when DH is doing fuck all around the house unless nagged.

He overestimates the amount he does constantly and the only way to counter it is to show him that I'm doing as much as him and more.

Do you pitch in and do your share around the house? Are you on the same page about how clean and tidy the house needs to be?

Is it this?

Assuming it isn’t, then just tell him to pack it in. I think a lot of people got a bit obsessed with tiny household routines during covid.

Original poster
Allmadeoflego · 19/12/2021 12:14

@AlbertBridge

My first DH was like this. It got so bad, towards the end, that whenever I'd ask him to do something for me I'd see him DESPERATELY trying to think of something he could ask me to do in return. Honestly, it was nuts.

I dumped him. My second DH goes out of his way to be helpful, and it's absolute bliss.

Yes it’s this!!! In every other way he’s fab. But it’s exactly that. Like having to wrack the brains to find a “job” to balance something out!
OP posts:
Original poster
Allmadeoflego · 19/12/2021 12:16

i think a lot of people got a bit obsessed with tiny household routines during covid.

Yes I think that’s got a lot to do with it. I wfh anyway and since he’s been home too this seems to have come up a lot. “Turns of making coffee” etc.

OP posts:
Jeschara · 19/12/2021 12:16

Why cant he just relax, it just seems so tedious.

Snuggledupforwinter · 19/12/2021 12:18

Do we share the same DP? Grin
I dont mind a reasonable request but do sometimes ask mine what his last slave died of or on occasion tell him to f off!

Original poster
Allmadeoflego · 19/12/2021 12:19

For those asking about household “chores” it tends to be that I do meal planning, cooking, cleaning (but less so tidying).

He does tidying up, washing, and sorts the garden

That’s a really rough way of putting it as obviously it’s not quite so delineated. I think often both of us will think “the other has it easier”.

OP posts:
Sunflowers095 · 19/12/2021 12:19

Just agree on a set list of chores.

For example, you cook on days xyz, hoover, mop, clean bathrooms

He takes out the bins, cleans kitchen, does food shop, cooks on other days

GiantHaystacks2021 · 19/12/2021 12:21

I'd have killed him before 2022 to be honest.
I hate scorekeeping.

Chocolatewheatos · 19/12/2021 12:21

Tbh I think I'm like this with DH but if I'm not then things don't get done. Or they only get done by me. So it depends on if you did things without being asked before he started this. Or if this is his way of not coming back from doing the shop and starting dinner then finding out the dog hasn't been walked so now dinner needs stopping or rushing so the dog can be walked before night.
The "I'll do X while do Y" get said so much in our house.

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 19/12/2021 12:21

Who does all the 'admin' - thinking about what to buy for the cupboards/freezer to eat; thinking about forthcoming birthdays and ensuring presents and cards are bought in time; checking out better utilities bills; that kind of thing?

That's all work too - and it normally falls to the woman in the relationship. But it doesn't get counted as 'work' in a chores list.

Kisskiss · 19/12/2021 12:26

This sounds like what happens with me and my dh..except I’m giving him a to-do list. If I don’t then literally some things don’t get done for years - he has a mountain of papers that has grown in size over the last 4 years which he keeps insisting are important/he will go through them etc but it never happens.

Maybe your dh feels you don’t do enough? Sounds like you need to have a chat about expectations etc

Original poster
Allmadeoflego · 19/12/2021 12:26

@JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue

Who does all the 'admin' - thinking about what to buy for the cupboards/freezer to eat; thinking about forthcoming birthdays and ensuring presents and cards are bought in time; checking out better utilities bills; that kind of thing?

That's all work too - and it normally falls to the woman in the relationship. But it doesn't get counted as 'work' in a chores list.

To be fair both. Food is generally my area, he would be the one to sort utilities etc. We don’t have DC so a lot of that type of admin doesn’t exist for us.

This nitpicking is recent though. Like last six months maybe.

OP posts:
Kbyodjs · 19/12/2021 12:29

I do this with DH because if I didn’t then he’d do sod all and it annoys me when I’m running round all afternoon and he’s sitting on his arse. In the nicest way, if he doesn’t ask you then do you do the things he’s mentioned?

icedcoffees · 19/12/2021 12:33

Christ, I would tell him to bugger off Grin

Households don't need to be run like a military operation, and I say that as someone who's insanely organised and on top of getting things done - but that's my choice, I don't inflict it on other people and give the lists!

LannieDuck · 19/12/2021 12:33

Can you not split the overall task list between the two of you, then you each get on with your own chores as and when needed? So you do everything around food, he does everything around x, y, z.

As long as you're both happy with the overall division (perhaps re-evaluate after a month), it shouldn't matter if one person is doing more chores on a particular day because it'll balance out over time.

billy1966 · 19/12/2021 12:34

He sounds really tedious.

I would be wary of adding a family into the mix.