About “turns” and the constant need to give me a list of “jobs”

[Allmadeoflego]

I’ll start by caveating that I’m a bit fed up so may be being irrational.

DH seems to recently have a constant thing about balancing household “jobs”. I know I’m lucky that we do things equally - but it’s like “ok so I will take the dog out, you go the the shop, then I’ll cook dinner and you do the dishwasher”. Last night I was like “oh let’s get a takeaway”.
He honestly turned around and said “but then I’ve got two jobs and you only have one”.

When I exploded he backed off saying it was a joke, but honestly this seems to be becoming a “thing”.

Additionally today he’s buggered off to footie and been like “oh you can do x, and y. While I’m out. Erm no - I want to sit and watch telly thank you”

I’m starting to feel like life is a constant round of “jobs to do” and it’s getting me down a bit.

My ex was like this. He let the bin overflow rather than empty it when it wasn’t his turn. If we were blitzing the house and divvied the jobs up, he’d stop what he was doing if I finished first. I remember once we were stripping the wallpaper in a room, and started at different ends so we would meet in the middle. I was slower than him but he stopped at the halfway point anyway.

Wouldn’t do anything unless there was a trade off somewhere along the line.

So so petty.

You say it’s recent. Has something happened in the last year or so that might have triggered this. DH had a bereavement last year and a few months later got a bit obsessed with making sure we did stuff at the weekends. It took me a while to cotton on but one Sunday (at the end of a week when I’d worked crazy hours and then done nothing other than read trashy novels) we got to about 5pm and he sighed and said “we’ve achieved nothing this weekend” I snapped and pointed out that doing nothing was exactly what I needed to be able to face Monday and there was no rule about having to do stuff every weekend. Sometimes just relaxing and doing sod all is enough.

We chatted and it became pretty obvious he is suffering from a bit of a “life is short” fear. For us it’s worked out fine. He’s taken up a hobby he can sit and do that has tangible output at the end and I can laze about watching sport on tv all weekend or rereading Jilly Cooper for the bazillionth time if that’s what I need.

I may be way off here but might be worth thinking about and if there is another way round it like we found. For us the manifestation was pretty removed from the cause until we really thought about it.

Tell him to bore off

This book has some good ideas on sharing things out and communicating about it without micromanaging.

Basically you agree your roles/jobs and what you both agree is an acceptable minimum standard and then you leave the other person alone to get on with it without interfering, only raising an issue if the agreed minimum standard isn't being met.

www.amazon.co.uk/Fair-Play-rebalance-relationship-transform/dp/152940021X/ref=asc_df_152940021X/?hvlocphy=9045246&hvlocphy=9045246&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvnetw=g&hvadid=430989470045&hvadid=430989470045&hvpone&hvpone&hvlocint&hvlocint&ref&th=1&hvpos&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-923685320795&hvtargid=pla-923685320795&hvrand=5865970788703142354&hvrand=5865970788703142354&adgrpid=97419294862

If it's started since WFH, is it that he's treating you like an employee / failing to switch his work-self off during non-working hours? If so, I'd point out that he's not your boss and you'd like your partner back pronto.

I think it depends.

Do you naturally do about even amounts of stuff-and I mean the good stuff as well as the bad? Me and dh would always choose to do the cooking rather than the washing up, for example.

My parents had a rule that neither of them generally got to sit down in the evening until they both did. So if there was the washing up to do, then they'd either do it together or one would go and do something else that needed doing.

I've certainly said to dh (and he's said to me) "if I do X, can you do Y?". But I don't all the time. All the time deciding what jobs you each do would be irritating.

However I know that sometimes I feel irritated at dh because there are things he never does, or takes forever to get round to, which I feel are both our jobs. So in those case I probably am inclined to say "I'm doing this bit, can you do that bit", otherwise I would do it all.

Hi OP, is he used to having people to ‘manage’ at work? But now he’s transferring that onto you?

Anxiety? Since it's a recent development? Trying to over plan the day in order to grasp back a bit of control?

Sounds bloody tedious though regardless of the root cause. I know a similar couple and the husband is an insufferable weasel who goes on and on as his (long suffering) wife if things aren't "equal" around the house/cooking even though she more than carries the load with the DC and financially while he spends like an idiot and jumps from one job to the other. He does it in front of company (me) too and embarrasses the life out of her. She had to leave a party early once because it was her "turn" to cook dinner! Madness

@Chocolatewheatos

Tbh I think I'm like this with DH but if I'm not then things don't get done. Or they only get done by me. So it depends on if you did things without being asked before he started this. Or if this is his way of not coming back from doing the shop and starting dinner then finding out the dog hasn't been walked so now dinner needs stopping or rushing so the dog can be walked before night. The "I'll do X while do Y" get said so much in our house.

@Chocolatewheatos

Yes, I'll often say eg "shall I do X and you do Y?" It's a way to ensure we both do our share

I think wfh has a lot of ripple effects and this is one of them. The world shrinks, little things become big things and micro-management creeps in. You lose a sense of proportionality about things.

I believe we need to work outside the home, even for a few hours and it helps us to mix with different people and get outside the same four walls. I have personal experience of this and know how much better we are with outside work. Is wfh permanent or full time?

The thing is when people say "I hate score keeping" in my experience its because they are the person who loses when the scores are tallied.

My husband can score keep till the cows come home, he almost never wins lol.

@tinse1

Hi OP, is he used to having people to ‘manage’ at work? But now he’s transferring that onto you?

He manages a team yes. But then I run my own business and manage the lot (three small teams).

Not to be that poster, but what he’s doing is literally what people on here usually tell each other to do to their husbands. Write him a list of ‘life admin’ tasks he needs to do.

Well to me it sounds like he's carrying the "mental Load". To be honest my husband could say this about me, but that's because if I don't point out to him what he needs to do it doesn't get done and it's exhausting.

Unfortunately life is pretty much full of jobs that need to be donem

@IamnotSethRogan

Well to me it sounds like he's carrying the "mental Load". To be honest my husband could say this about me, but that's because if I don't point out to him what he needs to do it doesn't get done and it's exhausting.

Unfortunately life is pretty much full of jobs that need to be donem

I don’t think he is. My example of cleaning out the fridge is one- that wouldn’t occur to him,

@EightWheelGirl

Not to be that poster, but what he’s doing is literally what people on here usually tell each other to do to their husbands. Write him a list of ‘life admin’ tasks he needs to do.

@EightWheelGirl yes, very good point!

I have to do this with my DH - not the divvying up equally thing but providing a list of jobs as he just doesn't see what needs doing. It's very frustrating tbh and I'd rather not have to do it.

He's very annoyed at the moment as I've given hi a list of things that need doing before Christmas but most of them are jobs that I've been asking him to do for about a year but he just doesn't do unless I plan it out for him and give him a firm deadline.

Really annoying, I'd much rather not have to micromanage him but he doesn't seem to respond to any other ways I've tried to do it.

Is hé a middle child? He sounds like my son. Obsessed with what’s “fair”. (Ie what HE thinks is fair. Doesn’t see anything that is done by anyone else and telling him until you’re blue in the face is more exhausting than just doing the task yourself. Fucking irritating and unattractive trait.)

I think you need to stand up to him and tell him enough is enough and you aren't his employee to boss around.

I agree with dividing up chores once a week and then leaving the person to get on with them. It's not ok for him to nag you like this.

@EightWheelGirl

Not to be that poster, but what he’s doing is literally what people on here usually tell each other to do to their husbands. Write him a list of ‘life admin’ tasks he needs to do.

The context of the the list making advice on MN is always that of a man who does sod all around the house.

@JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue

Who does all the 'admin' - thinking about what to buy for the cupboards/freezer to eat; thinking about forthcoming birthdays and ensuring presents and cards are bought in time; checking out better utilities bills; that kind of thing?

That's all work too - and it normally falls to the woman in the relationship. But it doesn't get counted as 'work' in a chores list.

This....

It's a lot of cognitive load... That easily gets missed as tasks of a functioning life

I'm probably a bit like this with DH but it's because I want his "buy in" to doing various things as, if he doesn't do them, then I'll have to do them and that impacts on the rest of the day.
For example, yesterday I wouldn't have gone for a cup of tea with a neighbour if I didn't know he'd agreed to go to the dump and cook dinner as in the time spent with the neighbour, I could have gone to the dump.

If he is going out enjoying himself why can't you why do you need a job to do?

keeping food stocks up and having a rough menu for every night of the week is more work than walking the dog (no headspace needed), or emptying the dishwasher.
I would imagine it will seem a chore once you have DCs to cater for (for 18 years or so).
Does he cook? Hope so.
I would move him to these more demanding chores and disappear for long walks with the dog.

Can we stop saying "it'll be worse when you have children"? They might never have children. It's really insensitive.