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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About “turns” and the constant need to give me a list of “jobs”

108 replies

Allmadeoflego · 19/12/2021 11:55

I’ll start by caveating that I’m a bit fed up so may be being irrational.

DH seems to recently have a constant thing about balancing household “jobs”. I know I’m lucky that we do things equally - but it’s like “ok so I will take the dog out, you go the the shop, then I’ll cook dinner and you do the dishwasher”. Last night I was like “oh let’s get a takeaway”.
He honestly turned around and said “but then I’ve got two jobs and you only have one”.

When I exploded he backed off saying it was a joke, but honestly this seems to be becoming a “thing”.

Additionally today he’s buggered off to footie and been like “oh you can do x, and y. While I’m out. Erm no - I want to sit and watch telly thank you”

I’m starting to feel like life is a constant round of “jobs to do” and it’s getting me down a bit.

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 19/12/2021 12:35

It sounds as though he likes to "manage" things, perhaps he wants to be in control?

I can imagine it must be very tedious always being told what to do by him.

Have you got your own list of things you want to do? If so, reply to all his suggestions with "No, I'm going to xxxx this morning". Hopefully he will realise that he is being out manoeuvred, and will stop the control games.

Original poster
Allmadeoflego · 19/12/2021 12:36

@Kbyodjs

I do this with DH because if I didn’t then he’d do sod all and it annoys me when I’m running round all afternoon and he’s sitting on his arse. In the nicest way, if he doesn’t ask you then do you do the things he’s mentioned?
So, not really - this tends to be about the things that have to happen (dog walk, dinner etc) in terms of the “turns”.

The list of chores is different and probably different priorities. For example, this morning he’s swanned off the play footie asking me to do a wash, wrap some presents, and do a dog walk,

But I’ve also cleaned out the fridge and cupboards in preparation for the shopping delivery - which wouldn’t have occurred to him.

So different priorities maybe.

It’s the turns that’s really bothering me I think,

OP posts:
Original poster
Allmadeoflego · 19/12/2021 12:40

@billy1966

He sounds really tedious.

I would be wary of adding a family into the mix.

We have been together for 17 years - this isn’t a new relationship though this thread is making me reflect that it’s a new behaviour.
OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 19/12/2021 12:47

How long is he planning to be out playing football for? Would there be no time for him to do any of those three tasks when he comes back before you go out later?

What activities do you do that are equivalent to him going to football? It's been pointed out here many times that somehow men often end up with a lot more specific leisure time than women do.

barbrahunter · 19/12/2021 12:49

I'm another whose ex used to do this. He was so scared that I might have an easier life than him, sad sack. I tell you what, my life got even easier after I kicked him out.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 19/12/2021 12:49

Urgh! Reminds me of a couple I know. I visited them one evening and then when I was due to leave the wife offered me a lift home. The husband interjected “err, no- you’re on baby duty tonight, remember”. The baby is their joint baby and was sleeping and the lift home would have taken 5 minutes total. Anyway, The husband left me home. I later found out they split up childcare by the fucking minute!

Original poster
Allmadeoflego · 19/12/2021 12:51

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

Urgh! Reminds me of a couple I know. I visited them one evening and then when I was due to leave the wife offered me a lift home. The husband interjected “err, no- you’re on baby duty tonight, remember”. The baby is their joint baby and was sleeping and the lift home would have taken 5 minutes total. Anyway, The husband left me home. I later found out they split up childcare by the fucking minute!
Jesus! No he’s nowhere near that bad!
OP posts:
Emerald5hamrock · 19/12/2021 12:56

I suspect that he feels without suggesting jobs they won't be done.
Maybe I'm projecting with your situation as without instruction DP will sit and watch tv.
He always does whatever I ask it'd be nice for him to show initiative without asking what needs done.
Then in the evening we're free to relax.

Mittenmob · 19/12/2021 12:58

I'd get one of those apps where you can share lists. Create a list at the beginning of the week and just tick things off as you go. That way he can see you've done stuff, so can you, and no nagging required

Emerald5hamrock · 19/12/2021 13:00

But I’ve also cleaned out the fridge and cupboards in preparation for the shopping delivery - which wouldn’t have occurred to him
Those jobs don't. 🙄
You're doing your bit, tell him no need for the micromanagement, you're capable of doing without instruction or rotation advice.

PussyCatEatingPigsInBlankets · 19/12/2021 13:01

You need to get your list in first. Smile

Just once or twice. Cherry pick the jobs you want to do and leave him with the others...see how he reacts.🤔

OnAWinterMorningFarAway · 19/12/2021 13:04

Does he use expressions like 'fair share'? E.g. making reference to 'having his fair share' of something?

Frauhubert · 19/12/2021 13:08

There were always jobs and tasks to do when i was with my ex. We had a weekend-only relationship for years, so every weekend was an endless list of tasks that had to be completed.
I hated weekends so much. I got rid in the end, life became so much more fun.

icedcoffees · 19/12/2021 13:08

But I’ve also cleaned out the fridge and cupboards in preparation for the shopping delivery - which wouldn’t have occurred to him.

What happens when you tell him you've done those things?

Ourlady · 19/12/2021 13:10

Just want to point out that your are not lucky that you share the jobs, that should be the norm.
I would tell him to pack it it and that every time he does tell you to do something you will absolutely not be doing it.

VladmirsPoutine · 19/12/2021 13:13

This sounds such a tedious way to live Grin

Is he otherwise a score keeper? My ex used to remind me that he'd bought me a handbag, an umbrella some lipstick from X brand etc etc

snowdropsandcrocuses · 19/12/2021 13:16

Years ago me and my ex drifted down this road. He was a selfish man underneath it all. Couldn't ever stand to feel things were not 'fair'

New DP is the kindest most helpful person. It makes me better as a person and partner

FrancineSmith · 19/12/2021 13:20

Read the 80/80 marriage (him too). Audible have it so you can listen together. It’s a totally different approach to ‘fairness’ that may work better.

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 19/12/2021 13:24

This would drive me INSANE. As I said on another thread recently, I don’t get the MN obsession with dividing jobs equally depending on hours worked etc etc.

My DH isn’t perfect. He has been trained by me to get better over the years. Grin Proportionately, I probably do more. Can I be bothered to work it out exactly? No.

As long as there is respect on both sides, communication and no one is doing everything or feeling overwhelmed, I really don’t see the need to be so formulaic with the split of jobs.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 19/12/2021 13:26

I have a job for you to do this afternoon. Write a list of jobs which need doing this week, divide them up between you and present him with it when he gets back.

Original poster
Allmadeoflego · 19/12/2021 13:26

@VladmirsPoutine

This sounds such a tedious way to live Grin

Is he otherwise a score keeper? My ex used to remind me that he'd bought me a handbag, an umbrella some lipstick from X brand etc etc

Good question - but no he’s not. This is very regularly tested as we have birthdays a week apart (mine first) Grin.

The more I think about this though, it definitely come up since he’s been working from home. I’m wondering whether it’s a way of trying to get “structure” back in his life a bit.

OP posts:
EightWheelGirl · 19/12/2021 13:31

He's obviously been following the advice commonly given on mumsnet about managing life admin. 😂

SeaToSki · 19/12/2021 13:34

Sounds like you need a chat with him, not in the moment of job allocating but more with a glass of wine in the evening about why the change and what is driving it for him. Im guessing there is something else underlying it if its a recent change.

I would also suggest you drop into the conversation that it is deeply unsexy!

midlifecrash · 19/12/2021 13:36

@snowdropsandcrocuses

Years ago me and my ex drifted down this road. He was a selfish man underneath it all. Couldn't ever stand to feel things were not 'fair'

New DP is the kindest most helpful person. It makes me better as a person and partner

Oh this! My first boyfriend was like this with food. Would remember if your baked potato looked slightly bigger than his. DH automatically serves the nicer or bigger portion, if there is one, to me or whoever else is there rather than himself.
Beachgirl33 · 19/12/2021 13:46

It sounds like he is allocating tasks to you rather than taking turns. My husband and I regular have a discussion about who is doing what. He likes/wants me to give him a list. I don’t as I’m not actually his mother Grin.

Sometimes when he thinks he has done loads I have to point out all the stuff I’ve done that he doesn’t see Grin.