About “turns” and the constant need to give me a list of “jobs”

[Allmadeoflego]

I’ll start by caveating that I’m a bit fed up so may be being irrational.

DH seems to recently have a constant thing about balancing household “jobs”. I know I’m lucky that we do things equally - but it’s like “ok so I will take the dog out, you go the the shop, then I’ll cook dinner and you do the dishwasher”. Last night I was like “oh let’s get a takeaway”.
He honestly turned around and said “but then I’ve got two jobs and you only have one”.

When I exploded he backed off saying it was a joke, but honestly this seems to be becoming a “thing”.

Additionally today he’s buggered off to footie and been like “oh you can do x, and y. While I’m out. Erm no - I want to sit and watch telly thank you”

I’m starting to feel like life is a constant round of “jobs to do” and it’s getting me down a bit.

Just say 'you can't tell me what to do' each and every single time he does it.

So would you have done the washing and walked the dog without him telling you to? I have to tell dh what to do because he doesn’t think of it. Cleaning the fridge is not an everyday task whereas the other 2 are.

Food is generally my area, he would be the one to sort utilities etc

Sorting out utilities? What does that involve?

Cooking every day (from scratch) is HUGE and not comparable to a bit of tidying.

@Karwomannghia

So would you have done the washing and walked the dog without him telling you to? I have to tell dh what to do because he doesn’t think of it. Cleaning the fridge is not an everyday task whereas the other 2 are.

But why does he get to give her jobs whilst he’s at the footie?

Yeah that’s annoying. Just difficult to ascertain whether op needs that guidance.

That would really annoy me. I hate when people ‘give’ me jobs to do. I’m an adult, I’m perfectly capable of seeing what needs done and managing my own time, thanks!

Is this a new thing? Do you think he feels like he’s been doing everything recently and wants to even things up a bit? Or do you generally split things up evenly?

Your list of ‘jobs’ - cooking, cleaning - is far, far more time consuming than his, even with his included most laundry.

When did he last clean the bathroom?

My DH is a nerdy boffin. He will quite literally not see (even the most obvious) jobs around the house. There’s general rules; if I cook, he will wash up, if I vacuum, he’ll wash up.

If I don’t ask him to do x,y & z it simply won’t cross his mind it needs doing.

Add in the fact I have a disability which involves lots of pacing (drives me nuts) and pain mitigation & we’d be drowning in dust, laundry, cups & dog hair if I didn’t proportion tasks!

And then there’s the ‘one job is dependent on another’. I have to hoover before mopping. I can’t load the tumble dryer with the wet washing if it’s still laying in its own stench in the laundry bin.

I know it drives him loopy, but in our house if we don’t share the love as it were, I’d be pissy arsed & out for days in pain, he’d be bemoaning the lack of clean pants & we’d both just have the arsehole with each other.

Divide & conquer the housework I say!

To be honest, the only acceptable reason for him doing this Is if you don't pull your weight in the house, but you've already said you have (what I feel like) is the worst of the chores in the house already.

I'll be honest and say at the end of each night I send a list of chores to myself, DH and DD for the next day.
It gives me a list to work to each day, keeps me a bit focused, shows them that even with my list of just household chores I'm still apportioning myself with more to do, and I'm making 3 hot meals each day ontop, plus shopping, and budgeting.

DD and DH would happily sit in their own shit for 18 hours a day gaming and watching TV and it leaves me feeling overwhelmed and annoyed I'm the only one who ever lifts a finger.

Sit down and talk to him about it if you're feeling like he's doling out tasks to you when you feel you've got enough on your plate as it is. It's the only way things will possibly change.

Ah ‘not seeing’ jobs that need doing is a classic.

Somehow, even ‘nerdy boffin’ women can see them - amazing!

Usually the partner who does less ends up given a list because the other is sick of doing an unfair share.

My ex was like this. He let the bin overflow rather than empty it when it wasn’t his turn. If we were blitzing the house and divvied the jobs up, he’d stop what he was doing if I finished first. I remember once we were stripping the wallpaper in a room, and started at different ends so we would meet in the middle. I was slower than him but he stopped at the halfway point anyway.
Wouldn’t do anything unless there was a trade off somewhere along the line.
Haaaaa, I had one like this: he once cleaned the entire hob except for a small section with the explanation, “It’s not my dirt”. Petty little fucker.

OP, I wonder if it’s since he’s WFH he’s just noticing the surroundings more? Previously home was out of sight, out of mind, and jobs somehow got done (perhaps by you carrying the mental load?) and now he’s there all the time he can’t cope without knowing XYZ is on the list to get done – is he quite a “tidy his desk before the work begins” type of person?

I would tell him to stop treating you like his PA and that you’ve managed for X years together – and before he came along! – to put a wash on when it needs doing, so why is he now reminding you?

My first thought, like a few others, is that he doesn't see you as doing a comparable amount, or thinks you wouldn't remember the jobs etc. To be honest I do have to slightly micromanage my DH or he wouldn't do anything in the house. It's not ideal but we both live with it by just trying to have open communication, to do lists etc.

It doesn't sound like that is really the case here, unless it's just his perception? If it's a new thing, could it be some sort of anxiety manifesting itself? I can get overwhelmed and anxious by feeling like there's a lot to do, even when it's just a normal amount.

Maybe stick up a whiteboard in the kitchen with a column for him and a column for you and write down every tiny thing you do around the house on it. I bet he breaks first and asks you to stop being so petty.

@Karwomannghia

So would you have done the washing and walked the dog without him telling you to? I have to tell dh what to do because he doesn’t think of it. Cleaning the fridge is not an everyday task whereas the other 2 are.

The dog walk - yes. The washing, no. Because quite frankly it could wait and just like he was off doing what he wanted on a Sunday morning, I also wanted to do what I wanted on a Sunday morning. Not be given a “list”.

Life shouldn't be about jobs, you've got to have fun as well. Do you have fun with your partner OP?

I find the announcing of who's doing what when things are generally even and you don't have kids strange. Pre-kids me and DH just got on with stuff. No one needs to be told that the dog needs to be walked, it's a daily requirement.

@Allmadeoflego

For those asking about household “chores” it tends to be that I do meal planning, cooking, cleaning (but less so tidying).

He does tidying up, washing, and sorts the garden

That’s a really rough way of putting it as obviously it’s not quite so delineated. I think often both of us will think “the other has it easier”.

So your jobs require organisation, planning, and physical involvement every day.

His jobs are seasonal (gardening) , require no planning ( tidying) and require minimal physical intervention (washing)

I know which list I would choose.

If his job is the washing why is he telling you to do it? Unless his idea of washing is to tell you to do it?

He may not be aware he does this so definitely mention to him how irritating you find it. If he doesn't stop then . . . Start counting orgasms "but you've had 3 orgasms ploughing away at me and I've only had 1". Help him focus

YANBU
It is exhausting to be keeping a mental tally where you score up each other’s tasks. We just do a rough division and even though some days he has more and others I have more, it all balances out in the end.

Washing takes all of 30 seconds to put in the machine. Why would you not do it?

Because OP already does by far the most of the most time consuming jobs - cooking, cleaning.

What a bloody exhausting relationship

@Squeezita

Food is generally my area, he would be the one to sort utilities etc

Sorting out utilities? What does that involve?

Cooking every day (from scratch) is HUGE and not comparable to a bit of tidying.

Too right it is.

Planning, shopping, cooking is rhe single largest PITA/job in the house.

Hand over that to him, in its entirety and see how he feels.

Tedious twat.

@CheddarGorgeous

Life shouldn't be about jobs, you've got to have fun as well. Do you have fun with your partner OP?

I find the announcing of who's doing what when things are generally even and you don't have kids strange. Pre-kids me and DH just got on with stuff. No one needs to be told that the dog needs to be walked, it's a daily requirement.

This articulates is perfectly. We have been together a very long time, and this behaviour is fairly new (and has to be honest crept up over the last year).

I think DH is a natural “organiser” he’s always for example had a routine on the weekend where he will get up, go to the dry cleaners, get the car washed etc. A lot of that has fallen by the wayside over lockdown so am wondering if it’s a bit of that,