DH has got his priorities wrong hasn’t he??

[didihearthatright123456]

We have nearly 3 year old twins. Before they arrived DH really enjoyed running, he still goes running but obviously the amount he can do it has reduced quite a lot due to family commitments.

He still goes to parkrun every Saturday. He’s just returned and all of his (older/childless/with grown up children) friends have asked him to go for a Xmas morning run at 9am. He’s expected to be out of the house for approximately 90 minutes.

I’ve said absolutely not, that it’s completely inappropriate with 2 toddlers to abandon us on such an special day, when they’ll be so excited about their presents.

He’s gone off in a total huff and now I’m the baddie 🤬

So AIBU to say no he can’t go and to get his bloody priorities right

Don't they genuinely want to be with their children?

Controversial as it sounds, no, not 100% of the time. Present opening and Christmas breakfast on the morning of 25/12, but I definitely need space, even at Christmas.

I am sure you can cope for 90 minutes, You can't just ban people from doing something for a short while.

@icedcoffees

Stand your ground and remind d him this is an option if he removes himself from family life.

Oh, for God's sake.

Going out running for a couple of hours on Christmas Day really doesn't mean he's "prioritising strangers over his wife and children".

Is it just on MN that people have to spend the entire of any holiday glued to each others' sides? Because IRL everyone I know seems to do a mixture of family time, alone time, time with maybe one parent, children entertaining themselves etc.

Um it bloody well is on Christmas Day when you have two excitable toddlers, no matter how you dress it up.

A normal weekend is fine to do things separately (if everyone is happy with the arrangements) but ducking out on a park run on Christmas morning is 100% taking the piss in this situation.

You need to communicate with him and you need to get him to do childcare. Yes it is stressful but he needs to do it and you need to get some time to yourself as well.

YANBU.

However his inability to look after his own children is a more obvious issue. Sounds like he needs more practice.

Yanbu. I’ve only managed a Christmas Day run on the last two years. My youngest was 11 the first time and I popped out for half an hour after watching the kids open their presents and putting lunch in the oven. I didn’t need to be asked not to go before then, I made the decision based on the fact that I love my kids and they would have been gutted on previous years if I wasn’t there to play with them.

I can’t understand why your dh didn’t just tell them that he can’t go because Christmas. Tell him to take it from me, there will be plenty of opportunities to go running, but only a few years when Christmas will be this magical. Make the most of every one.

I mean honestly, who doesn't find looking after twins stressful?

Why is he such a special little poppet that 'feeling stressed' buys him a golden ticket out of parenting? Does he actually have a disability that prevents him from parenting? Presumably prevents him from working too, eh? That can be stressful after all.

Sorry to sound stroppy with you but the kind of selfish loser you describe just makes me so angry. On your behalf and, even from a comfortable distance, my own.

YABU. You sound like a martyr. It's 90 minutes, not six hours.

Blimey, I'm glad I'm not married to you! How insanely controlling and ridiculous.
I'm awfully glad you aren't married to me! Anyone so wrong-thinking would be entirely unacceptable in my life.

@lottiegarbanzo

He does very little childcare on his own, and when he does do it he feels stressed, so the idea of me just taking myself off on any weekend morning is not really an option.

Oh good God. Is that how you want your life to be for the next 15 years? Because that's what you're setting yourself up for.

The only way he is going to gain competence at looking at both DC together is by practising. That is by having to do it, so just getting on with it and finding his own way. Just like you did.

You need to get out more. Because if you don't now, you won't be able to, ever, for a very, very long time.

Exactly.

You’re doing him absolutely no favours by enabling the idea that he couldn’t possibly learn to look after his own children perfectly competently. You didn’t get to just opt out of it!

If he expects to be able to have leisure time as a given then you absolutely need to take that time out too. It’s vitally important for your well-being. Reciprocal gestures like that will become even more important as the children get older. Otherwise you’ll be another of the many, many women crying with frustration or dealing with seething resentment at 18 years plus of carrying all the mental and physical load of parenting.

Start as you mean to go on.

LampLighter414

You sound like hard work OP.

Are we reading the same posts? If so - no she doesn't, and you sound like you are hard of reading

Um it bloody well is on Christmas Day when you have two excitable toddlers, no matter how you dress it up.

Why, though? Because the calendar says it's December 25th?

A normal weekend is fine to do things separately (if everyone is happy with the arrangements) but ducking out on a park run on Christmas morning is 100% taking the piss in this situation.

I really, really don't get this at all. The toddlers will be fine with their mum watching Christmas movies and playing with their toys while dad pops out. Equally, they'd be just as fine if mum decided to go off and have a long bath or a nap while dad played with them.

It won't make Christmas Day any less magical for them because their parents weren't in the same room as them all day long, it really won't.

He does very little childcare on his own, and when he does do it he feels stressed

Aw, diddums. It's fine for you to do it though..

New rule for 2022. You get the same amount of time off from childcare doing your own thing as he does.

@ImmutableSexQueen

Blimey, I'm glad I'm not married to you! How insanely controlling and ridiculous. I'm awfully glad you aren't married to me! Anyone so wrong-thinking would be entirely unacceptable in my life.

Wrong-thinking? What on earth is that?

I have 4 kids and I am absolutely going for my Christmas day swim by myself!

Then you are a monster and should leave your family forever, find a bedsit and spend every Christmas alone and sad*.

*according to some pps anyway

@Bucanarab be a bit tricky for OP to do that as her DH doesn't seem to be able to look after his own children by himself

[quote Envoitrevisage]**@icedcoffees* and @IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads* I think it might just be us!

I’m reading your responses and nodding. Some of the responses here are bloody scary. You’d threaten someone with divorce, you’d lock them out, you’d ditch your marriage, you’d force them into a bedsit alone, you “know” that he hates his family….. all because he fancied a run?
Fuck me. I’m so glad I’m not married to you!!

My dad often ran on Christmas Day. My mum often went out with her dogs. Or sewed. Or went to Mass. As kids we had a whole load of new toys and had been up for hours; not once did I feel abandoned.

And as for the poster who is adamant it’s always men….. it isn’t. I’m a woman, I often pop out on Christmas Day.[/quote]
I'm glad there are a few lone voices of sanity on here!

We have never once spent the whole of Christmas Day all together lol. Sometimes we even spent Christmas in different countries - voluntarily!

@rainyskylight

I don’t think this is unreasonable. My DH is a committed park runner- it’s really important to him and I encourage it. He comes home in a great mood, it keeps him healthy.

90mins seems like a long time for what is a 25min run? It’s really more like 1 hour max even if travelling to a different one - are you exaggerating or does he normally hang about afterwards?

The toddlers will likely already have been up and opened stockings. The tree presents can wait til he’s back at 10:30, then you can get on with other things.

It doesn’t have to be a fight.

That would only work in families that do Xmas the same way you do. Many families do the day differently, when I was a kid it was take empty stocking to bed and if you wake up and see it looking full you knew Santa had been, stocking would be full of sweets and one really well wrapped token gift like a pen or a colouring book, that would be opened on Mum's bed and then we'd head straight down stairs the living room where we had our presents on the sofa or chair.

I know some families, the stocking is the main event, most people I know, it's the running into the living and being excited at the magical gifts that have just appeared and being excited to open. My childhood friends all did the day that way too and as adults we do the same with our kids.

If my husband said he was off out to do his hobby at that time on Xmas day there's not a chance in hell I'd be either keeping my child out of the room where her gifts are, or telling her she has to leave them alone for a few hours because daddy was with his friends.

I’m a runner, I love running, I run most days. I wouldn’t dream of running Christmas morning with a 3 year old at home! I’d maybe wait till later and do a quick 25 minutes.
But not Christmas morning and not 90 mins!!!

@toomuchlaundry good job that wasn't in response to the OP then eh? That said, I sense a little bit of the ol' martyrdom from the OP. I'm sure her DH would be able to cope with looking after the children if the OP just stopped facilitating his opting out.

Just decide what you want to do you with your 90 mins and make it a straight swap. He runs in the morning - you have a long bath/nap after lunch.
It's fine if it's equal

It's a short run - I'd let him go. I'n return he must pick up the slack with the food prep/cooking/ allowing you to have a nice long bath when he gets back.

I think allowing each other a little time each on such a hectic day shows strength of marriage!

Don't you love the perfect people brigade who are giving out to the OP.

OP has summed it up where she said all those with no children/teenagers/adult kids are going.

But the OP and her DH have 2 toddlers.

It's not just a 90 minute run;no doubt he'll have to get himself ready/get to the park/warm up so will be unavailable from about 8am and then there will be the run itself,the wind down afterwards and the inevitable chats afterwards and then getting home and showered so most likely not be able to rejoin the family until 11:30am at the earliest but more likely midday.

So yes it might be a park run but will take up the whole morning leaving the OP to wash/dress/feed 2 toddlers,deal with presents and then the clear up and then prepare lunch:alone whilst trying to entertain said toddlers too.

Her DH is being a thoughtless self entitled twat.

Do you think he'd be happy if the OP made herself unavailable for the best part of four hours on Christmas Day and left him to deal with 2 toddlers,the cleaning up,dinner prep etc?

I'm guessing that would be a big fat no.

I'm betting the OP probably doesn't get anywhere even close to the amount of leisure time her DH gets either.

A park fun is 5k. It’s about 30 minutes for any sort of half decent runner, my husband takes about 22 for example.

The 90 minutes is the total to get there, warm up, cool down and probably have a blether with his mates. Stop making stuff up about four hours, that’s complete fabrication.

He's selfish. There is only a short window of time where Xmas is 'magical' for kids, and he wants to fuck off out for two hours, come back knackered, probably want a nap as he's so knackered, while what? OP runs around trying to entertain / contain toddler twins while doing the prep for a nice dinner, that he will eat, worrying if he will be back when he said he will. It's one fucking day for him, but a special days for his children that he made. He's being a dick OP. Hope he genuinely changes his mind, and doesn't try to lay the guilt on you.