Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has got his priorities wrong hasn’t he??

459 replies

didihearthatright123456 · 18/12/2021 10:26

We have nearly 3 year old twins. Before they arrived DH really enjoyed running, he still goes running but obviously the amount he can do it has reduced quite a lot due to family commitments.

He still goes to parkrun every Saturday. He’s just returned and all of his (older/childless/with grown up children) friends have asked him to go for a Xmas morning run at 9am. He’s expected to be out of the house for approximately 90 minutes.

I’ve said absolutely not, that it’s completely inappropriate with 2 toddlers to abandon us on such an special day, when they’ll be so excited about their presents.

He’s gone off in a total huff and now I’m the baddie 🤬

So AIBU to say no he can’t go and to get his bloody priorities right

OP posts:
sHREDDIES19 · 18/12/2021 13:25

I think realistically this won’t have that big an impact on Christmas Day celebrations. They’ll have been up for ages and all presents will be long opened. He’s more pragmatic whilst you’ve got this idealistic view of what Christmas Day looks like. I think a compromise is in order here. But having said that, if he’s often choosing friends over family then it might be a bigger issue.

Fuuuuuckit · 18/12/2021 13:25

I'm a big parkrun fan, and have run on Xmas day and New Year's day. But I have teens who didn't know I'd gone out.

Parkrun is a hugely inclusive event, and is very family-friendly. Do you have a robust double buggy?

Charley50 · 18/12/2021 13:27

@RJnomore1

A park fun is 5k. It’s about 30 minutes for any sort of half decent runner, my husband takes about 22 for example.

The 90 minutes is the total to get there, warm up, cool down and probably have a blether with his mates. Stop making stuff up about four hours, that’s complete fabrication.

It's not a park run. It's a group of people he usually meets at park run. It's been established it's a longer run already plus drive time etc.
NorthSouthcatlady · 18/12/2021 13:27

@RJnomore1 exactly, if he finds it challenging and stressful parenting on his own. He needs to do more of it and get used to it

If it’s fine for him to have 90 minutes plus to himself on Christmas Day then surely it’s fine for OP to?! But lm guessing that won’t happen…

fufulina · 18/12/2021 13:27

It’s never just 90 minutes.

It’s the warm up and finding all the gear, and ‘fuelling’, getting there, then running, then chatting, then getting home, then warming down, then showering…. And they NEVER admit how long it will be.

My DH used to do this (not on Christmas Day tbf), but he just wanted to do a quick 10k… which meant he absented himself for 2-2.5 hours. And he always disputed the time.
I found it infuriating. We gradually got there with him going very early doors, or after dinner. And now the kids are older it’s a moot point. But yes, many men discover running when the alternative is spending time with their babies and toddlers.

longtompot · 18/12/2021 13:27

@Travis1

By 9am will the kids not be up, have done presents and ready to crash for a nap? Id look to compromise and if there’s anything that would normally be done Christmas AM for dinner get him to do it the night before so you can enjoy time with the kids whilst he’s out?
I agree with this. Mine were up early at that age and were playing with their toys. Or if they don't nap then, could you go with him? Is the park run in a park you could go to with the kids so they can get some fresh air while he does his run?

As long as it doesn't end with a 'quick' drink with the group, I wouldn't see him doing this as a problem.

Slobberstops · 18/12/2021 13:27

Christ the people suggesting that this is lull or dead time haven’t hung out with a pair of over excited two year olds recently. As for the whole you will cope yeah sure but what about enjoying. I get the feeling you will be doing the cooking and other chores too huh?

I would be horrified if this was where my dh wanted to invest his time. Usually it’s an over tired snd busy day from a parent view point. Your dh sounds like an arse with an eye on an easy life.

starfishofbethlehem · 18/12/2021 13:29

The kids will have been up since 5.

When he gets back then you put your feet up for a couple of hours while he sorts out lunch etc.

LowlandLucky · 18/12/2021 13:32

I would agree to him running but on the understanding that the minute he has finished his 5 minute shower, he starts prepping and cooking the Christmas dinner whilst you sit and watch a film or play with the children.

BrainPotter · 18/12/2021 13:32

I’m going to be in the minority here, bracing myself!

I love going running on Christmas morning. I have toddlers Shock

We do everything together as a family, we make their lives special and full of love. Me being out of the house for 90 minutes on Christmas Day does not ruin it, it enhances it.
Christmas is not just about presents.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/12/2021 13:32

He does very little childcare on his own, and when he does do it he feels stressed, so the idea of me just taking myself off on any weekend morning is not really an option

This is the Actual Problem in this whole debate.

elvis4nuts · 18/12/2021 13:35

YANBU

NoSquirrels · 18/12/2021 13:36

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

He does very little childcare on his own, and when he does do it he feels stressed, so the idea of me just taking myself off on any weekend morning is not really an option

This is the Actual Problem in this whole debate.

Precisely.

Everyone saying ‘It’s fine to take time out, even on Christmas Day, even as the parent of twin toddlers’ is - presumably- in a family where it’s fine for BOTH parents to do so.

This particular father is not pulling his weight on that score, so he doesn’t get special treatment on Christmas bloody Day.

OfCourseIDontMind · 18/12/2021 13:37

I wouldn't wish 3yo twins on anyone at xmas, never mind on their own. The only compromise here is if you get 2 hours to yourself also. (90 min run+shower=2hours)

Loudestcat14 · 18/12/2021 13:44

I think he's selfish to react as though you're being out of order objecting. I'm quite taken aback by how many posters think it's okay for their OH to just bugger off for 90 minutes on Christmas morning and leave them to deal with two hyped up three-year-olds.

RJnomore1 · 18/12/2021 13:45

@Charley50 apologies as I missed that post. However the op clearly states in the first post he is expected to be away for 90 minutes so the poster who is prattling in about four hours is still fabricating nonsense.

Five miles about 45 minutes for a half decent runner, 40 minutes to and fro, still leaves time for a warm up and chat in 90 minutes.

As an aside, is the park run not on? Our local one is.

The poster who said her ex used to take 2.5 hours for a 10K- he was at it. I could do it in less thAn that and I can’t run the length of myself.

It sounds like a lot of men are using this as an excuse to disappear. My husband runs but he goes to run- he wouldn’t go vanish for hours. There’s deeper issues in your relationship if that’s what is happening. I still don’t think 90 minutes for some exercise and to see friends is at all unreasonable. Him not looking after his own kids on his own most definitely is. Actually I suspect if op felt supported in parenting properly by him this wouldn’t even be an issue.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 18/12/2021 13:46

@sociallydistained

To all those saying it's not that long etc. it's Christmas morning and will be midway through the morning by the time he's back then he'll need to shower etc. I'm sure Christmas dinner prep is well underway at this point so everyone's fine with OP having to do all of that by herself whilst watching very excitable 3 year old twins?!! Like the thread on here about "great fathers" the bar is beyond low. Imagine OP wanted to go out to do ANYTHING that wasn't focused on the twins/Christmas. I expect her husband would be flabbergasted. Ffs
Agree. the bar is shockingly low for some ... but they would be appalled in reverse
Covidclaire · 18/12/2021 13:47

[quote toomuchlaundry]@Bucanarab be a bit tricky for OP to do that as her DH doesn't seem to be able to look after his own children by himself[/quote]
It’s really not difficult at all.

Put coat and shoes on.

Say I’m off out for a bit, bye.

Leave.

I’m sure he’ll cope.

Eleganz · 18/12/2021 13:48

You never know, with 3 year olds you might have already been up for hours with all presents opened by 9am!

In all seriousness of course he is in the wrong here. Christmas Day is for family.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 18/12/2021 13:48

When it comes to running it’s almost like a blind spot or his Achilles heel. He loses all perspective. He does very little childcare on his own, and when he does do it he feels stressed, so the idea of me just taking myself off on any weekend morning is not really an option.

Of course it's an option. He's a grown up. He's a father. He's their father' He's supposed to be a good husband, which means taking your needs into consideration, too. It's time he starts acting like one.

larkle · 18/12/2021 13:51

Sorry, if someone has already suggested it. Why not suggest a compromise and do Park Run as a family? The Boxing Day Children's run you could deffo run as a family. Honestly, it is such a lot of fun.

FreakinFrankNFurter · 18/12/2021 13:52

Buy him a running buggy/pushchair for christmas. Make sure it's all set up on christmas eve so it's ready to go on christmas morning. That way he can get the twins ready and take them with him while you have 2 hours to yourself.

madamehooch · 18/12/2021 13:57
  1. It's not a Park Run.
  2. He will be out of the house for 90 minutes, plus will then need a shower.
  3. There are two nearly three year olds. They will need supervision.

Ad infinitum.

RJnomore1 · 18/12/2021 14:06

I’m presuming he’s allowed a shower anyway on Xmas day so not sure why that’s an issue in any circumstances 🙄

cptartapp · 18/12/2021 14:10

All practicalities aside, you now know he'd rather be out with his friends than with his young daughters on Christmas morning. Whatever he actually does, you know deep down what his real preference was. You'll never forget that.
Stats show men are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female. These should be the best days of the year. Long term .... be wary.

Swipe left for the next trending thread