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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has got his priorities wrong hasn’t he??

459 replies

didihearthatright123456 · 18/12/2021 10:26

We have nearly 3 year old twins. Before they arrived DH really enjoyed running, he still goes running but obviously the amount he can do it has reduced quite a lot due to family commitments.

He still goes to parkrun every Saturday. He’s just returned and all of his (older/childless/with grown up children) friends have asked him to go for a Xmas morning run at 9am. He’s expected to be out of the house for approximately 90 minutes.

I’ve said absolutely not, that it’s completely inappropriate with 2 toddlers to abandon us on such an special day, when they’ll be so excited about their presents.

He’s gone off in a total huff and now I’m the baddie 🤬

So AIBU to say no he can’t go and to get his bloody priorities right

OP posts:
Chakraleaf · 18/12/2021 12:33

I have 4 kids and I am absolutely going for my Christmas day swim by myself!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/12/2021 12:34

Oh dear I am well over invested in this thread OP because it reminds me of my selfish exH so much. Trouble is its not just going to be 90 minutes is it? There is the travel time there and back, the run, then the chatting with the other runners then coming home and showering/dressing.
What are you and the kids supposed to be doing for what will be at least 8.30 to 11 on Xmas morning. That will be practically the whole morning missing the gift opening the excitement of the children Xmas breakfast all of which you will be doing on your own and the children's father will not be there.
You have to get them up and dressed on your own, get yourself dressed somehow.
This is unbelievably selfish when he can do this on any other day of the year.
Is there no boxing day run for gods sake?
It sounds like he just doesn't want to do Xmas morning with his family at all.

Hilda40 · 18/12/2021 12:34

I always lose some sympathy with OPs when they mention ironing, an entirely self imposed unnecessary activity.

CantChatNow · 18/12/2021 12:34

My dad always ran Xmas morning. Seems fine to me 🤷‍♀️

minipie · 18/12/2021 12:34

He does very little childcare on his own, and when he does do it he feels stressed, so the idea of me just taking myself off on any weekend morning is not really an option.

He gets stressed because he hasn’t had the practice. You really, really need to start leaving him to it more often. Start going to a Sat am gym class or something. Believe me - otherwise this is only going to get worse.

JuicySatsuma85 · 18/12/2021 12:35

@Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday

Anyone who votes YABU will have accidentally clicked in the wrong button surely!
Nope!!

You don’t lose all sense of self when you become a parent. Taking 90 minutes out of the day for a run isn’t asking a lot. The kids will have been up and presents done long before 9am.

We have a dog. DH walks the dog on Christmas morning. Why is going out for a run any different really?

Why does everyone have to sit in the house for the full 24 hours of Christmas? Even when the kids are napping? Or quietly watching a Christmas movie or playing with their new toys? Just because it’s Christmas Day??

Parents should be allowed to do one thing for themselves that they actually want to do over Christmas.

whynotwhatknot · 18/12/2021 12:36

it snot bloody parkrun for the millionth time

do you never get a break then op

icedcoffees · 18/12/2021 12:38

@StarryNightSky26

Is it just on MN that people have to spend the entire of any holiday glued to each others' sides? Because IRL everyone I know seems to do a mixture of family time, alone time, time with maybe one parent, children entertaining themselves etc

This is a perfect description of an average weekend imo, not Christmas Day.

On Christmas Day neither dh or I would dream of buggering off for a couple of hours with our mates, whatever the reason.

Yes choosing to do so IS putting your mates ahead of your dc.

Well, of course you're entitled to your opinion but the idea of being forced to spend all day stuck at home with two overtired and over-excited toddlers because "it's Christmas" seems very claustrophobic to me.

All my Christmas Days growing up were spent doing a real mixture of things. Some years both parents worked so I had to spend Christmas morning at their workplace. Some years my mum and I would fly abroad to see family and my dad would stay at home working.

And even on the days we were all home, we never once spent the entire day together. We'd do things as a family, of course, but often I'd play board games with dad while mum had a bath, or dad would go running and mum and I would watch (in his words) "Disney Crap" while he did so Grin

That's normal to me, not spending the entire day together simply because it happens to be December 25th on the calendar.

NoSquirrels · 18/12/2021 12:38

He does very little childcare on his own, and when he does do it he feels stressed, so the idea of me just taking myself off on any weekend morning is not really an option.

There you go then, as I said way up thread, if he’d be equally as happy for you to leave him with the twin toddlers on Christmas Day for 2 hours then fine, but he definitely wouldn’t be, would he? So it’s a big fat Nope.

Zilla1 · 18/12/2021 12:39

IMO 'he is very good' does not equate with 'he does very little childcare on his own' when three year olds, let alone three year old twins are involved. Might be better if ebf newborn but three years old?

SunshineCake1 · 18/12/2021 12:39

My initial thought is how sad that he would rather run than see his children enjoy Christmas. I'd tell him, if it was my dh, that he must do what he feels is best but I don't want to hear an moaning about missing out on the dd opening gifts and we won't be waiting for anything while he is out. What a prat. I'll go running Christmas Eve morning but no way would I go Christmas Day and mine are 16-20!

SunshineCake1 · 18/12/2021 12:41

@tttigress

Mixed feelings, it can be a bit frustrating as an adult if you are theoretically "on holiday", yet you can literally not do one single thing that you genuinely want to do

Has he got any other events coming up? Maybe he could trade a run for a night out?

Come off it! He can do lots he wants to Hmm.
ZenNudist · 18/12/2021 12:42

I voted YABU

9am you will be very lucky if you've only been up for 2 hours. I'd reckon 3 would be more like, or 4!!!

9am is a perfect time to go for a run. I'm not a runner myself but when I have run it's good to get it out of the way.

It would be nice to get some time for yourself too. Parenting young dc is hard. Making time to exercise is important.

logsonlogsoff · 18/12/2021 12:43

YANBU - DW does a sport which is also her blind spot but she would never do this Xmas morning and our kids are much older.
The only people I know who do something like this Xmas morning either have waaayyyyy older
Kids or take the family with them. I’ll be taking a dip Xmas morning but we’re all going post pressie opening…

sadpapercourtesan · 18/12/2021 12:43

That's at least two posters now who've said "adults should be able to do one thing they genuinely want to do"

Don't they genuinely want to be with their children? Don't they genuinely want to watch their loved ones open gifts, share the excitement, have breakfast together, help with lunch etc? I do Confused and if I didn't, I wouldn't have had children.

chocolateoranges33 · 18/12/2021 12:45

I have a 3 year old and there is no way this is acceptable on christmas day. There is far too much to do for one person to go on a jolly for 90 minutes, plus showering/changing when getting back. Why should 'his time' mean you have to do everything else to accomodate it. My 3 year old wont be happily playing by himself by 9am, he will be running riot, hyped up on excitement, chocolate etc and will require constant supervision - and he's not a twin! Absolutely not on and yes very selfish.
Exactly when are you going to get up, showered, dressed etc if he is leaving at 9 as I certainly wouldn't be ready by then when having to sort out everything else too. Having kids mean you cant do everything you'd like to anymore and this is one of these times. Tell him to get a grip, spend the day with his family and he can go out for a run another day.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 18/12/2021 12:45

When it comes to running it’s almost like a blind spot or his Achilles heel. He loses all perspective. He does very little childcare on his own, and when he does do it he feels stressed, so the idea of me just taking myself off on any weekend morning is not really an option.

Uhm yes it is. He can learn to cope with looking after his children, just like millions of mothers and fathers do...

Covidclaire · 18/12/2021 12:46

Your kids will most likely have been up for hours by then. OH and I both make time to go for a run on Christmas day, but usually in the morning after the Santa presents have been opened and played with for a while.

A Christmas Day run is important to lots of runners. Plenty of runners with small kids manage it. Even if I didn’t want to go I wouldn’t dream of telling OH he couldn’t go.

RJnomore1 · 18/12/2021 12:48

@logsonlogsoff that’s a great idea - they could all go cheer him on, the kids get out in the park for a wee bit too. A park fun will only take about 30 minutes of running so it would be ideal.

Covidclaire · 18/12/2021 12:49

Don't they genuinely want to be with their children? Don't they genuinely want to watch their loved ones open gifts, share the excitement, have breakfast together, help with lunch etc? I do

Plenty do time in the other 22.5 hours in the day for all of that.

I genuinely believe one do the reasons there are so many family arguments at Christmas is because people spend too much time cooped up together. Getting our for some fresh air alone is great.

Envoitrevisage · 18/12/2021 12:51

@icedcoffees and @IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads I think it might just be us!

I’m reading your responses and nodding. Some of the responses here are bloody scary. You’d threaten someone with divorce, you’d lock them out, you’d ditch your marriage, you’d force them into a bedsit alone, you “know” that he hates his family….. all because he fancied a run?
Fuck me. I’m so glad I’m not married to you!!

My dad often ran on Christmas Day. My mum often went out with her dogs. Or sewed. Or went to Mass. As kids we had a whole load of new toys and had been up for hours; not once did I feel abandoned.

And as for the poster who is adamant it’s always men….. it isn’t. I’m a woman, I often pop out on Christmas Day.

garlictwist · 18/12/2021 12:51

I don't know, it's only 90 minutes out of the whole day. I think it would be OK. Can you go down with the kids and cheer him on? It might be nice to get out of the house.

icedcoffees · 18/12/2021 12:51

@Covidclaire

Don't they genuinely want to be with their children? Don't they genuinely want to watch their loved ones open gifts, share the excitement, have breakfast together, help with lunch etc? I do

Plenty do time in the other 22.5 hours in the day for all of that.

I genuinely believe one do the reasons there are so many family arguments at Christmas is because people spend too much time cooped up together. Getting our for some fresh air alone is great.

Amen to that.

Being cooped up inside all day with no time apart isn't healthy - look how many couples fought and argued over lockdown because they never had any space to themselves.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 18/12/2021 12:51

As long as you also get 90 mins to yourself, what’s the harm? The kids will be up at 5, it’s a long day. Is 90 mins away from you that big a deal? Maybe he could make it up by doing bed and bath by himself?

lottiegarbanzo · 18/12/2021 12:53

He does very little childcare on his own, and when he does do it he feels stressed, so the idea of me just taking myself off on any weekend morning is not really an option.

Oh good God. Is that how you want your life to be for the next 15 years? Because that's what you're setting yourself up for.

The only way he is going to gain competence at looking at both DC together is by practising. That is by having to do it, so just getting on with it and finding his own way. Just like you did.

You need to get out more. Because if you don't now, you won't be able to, ever, for a very, very long time.