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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has got his priorities wrong hasn’t he??

459 replies

didihearthatright123456 · 18/12/2021 10:26

We have nearly 3 year old twins. Before they arrived DH really enjoyed running, he still goes running but obviously the amount he can do it has reduced quite a lot due to family commitments.

He still goes to parkrun every Saturday. He’s just returned and all of his (older/childless/with grown up children) friends have asked him to go for a Xmas morning run at 9am. He’s expected to be out of the house for approximately 90 minutes.

I’ve said absolutely not, that it’s completely inappropriate with 2 toddlers to abandon us on such an special day, when they’ll be so excited about their presents.

He’s gone off in a total huff and now I’m the baddie 🤬

So AIBU to say no he can’t go and to get his bloody priorities right

OP posts:
TheWelshposter · 18/12/2021 18:20

He can run literally any day of the year yet he can only be with his children as they open Santa presents on one morning a year. It's a no brainer.

Clymene · 18/12/2021 18:22

That's the first rule of misogyny: women are responsible for what men do (or don't do in this case).

icedcoffees · 18/12/2021 18:32

[quote toomuchlaundry]@icedcoffees I think you will find it is the man's fault for not parenting[/quote]
But how can he parent on his own if he's never left on his own?

If OP insists on staying home all the time, it's no wonder he gets stressed and has no confidence. The more he has them, the more confident he'll get.

It's a cycle. He's never had them, so when he does he get stressed, so OP stays home, and so he doesn't have them, and gets stressed. OP needs to go out and let him get on with it. Nobody will explode!

Chesneyhawkes1 · 18/12/2021 18:33

I'm running Xmas day. Not park run though.

We've got DSS here but it's my Xmas too. I've got 2 days off work and an hour for a run doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

Snowpaw · 18/12/2021 18:35

I have mixed feelings on this. I do parkrun and it does wonders for me mentally. Granted, I only have one three year old, not two. My DH really supports me in it - we go as a family and he plays with child on the park and they watch the runners, which child really loves. I do the run. We all go home in a good mood having had early morning fresh air and exercise. It makes the whole of Saturday a good day. At Christmas I get it’s a bit different. However. My own three year old certainly needs huge amounts of fresh air and exercise otherwise she gets very grumpy, and Christmas Day could very easily turn into an overstimulated, sugar high, overheated mess if she didn’t at least get some time outside to run around. I personally think it’s a good activity to kick off the day, for all the family. He should respect your wishes though, whatever you decide.

icedcoffees · 18/12/2021 18:35

@Clymene

That's the first rule of misogyny: women are responsible for what men do (or don't do in this case).
It's not misogyny, it's encouraging women not to be martyrs to their kids at the expense of their own time, health and wellbeing.

There's no reason for someone in a partnership with DC to never have any time to themselves.

AuntieStella · 18/12/2021 18:35

If OP insists on staying home all the time, it's no wonder he gets stressed and has no confidence. The more he has them, the more confident he'll get

Agree - and maybe the solution is for OP to go to a Christmas parkrun (walking is also fine as it volunteering) and leave him child-wrangling, on the promise that he can run all morning on New Years Day if he wants ?

Kittykatmacbill · 18/12/2021 18:38

If can take the 3 years olds in a running buggy that would be fab. Give you a moment to start lunch without them :-)

MrsBobDylan · 18/12/2021 18:42

I am married to Forrest Gump. Even he wouldn't run on Xmas day with very young kids. Jesus.

There will be plenty of Xmas day's where your kids are sullen teens and want to sleep in. Tell him to go running then.

icedcoffees · 18/12/2021 18:42

@AuntieStella

If OP insists on staying home all the time, it's no wonder he gets stressed and has no confidence. The more he has them, the more confident he'll get

Agree - and maybe the solution is for OP to go to a Christmas parkrun (walking is also fine as it volunteering) and leave him child-wrangling, on the promise that he can run all morning on New Years Day if he wants ?

Absolutely she should be able to take the equivalent time for herself. But just because she's currently choosing not to, doesn't mean he should have to be stuck at home all day too.
Clymene · 18/12/2021 18:44

@icedcoffees - you're ignoring socialisation because it's convenient to your argument. It doesn't make your point any stronger.

Clymene · 18/12/2021 18:46

Also, it's Christmas Day. Any parent who takes 2 hours to themselves during the day when they're parents to tiny children is a dick.

Christmas is about children.

Whatwouldscullydo · 18/12/2021 18:46

If he's sulking how at the mere suggestion he helps out at home on Xmas day what on earth do you think the reaction will be if she goes out?

One suspects the pile of shit waiting for her to sort out when she gets home makes disappearing fir a walk/run totally more hassle than it's worth.

Its not that simple

shinynewapple21 · 18/12/2021 18:50

@icedcoffees

Stand your ground and remind d him this is an option if he removes himself from family life.

Oh, for God's sake.

Going out running for a couple of hours on Christmas Day really doesn't mean he's "prioritising strangers over his wife and children".

Is it just on MN that people have to spend the entire of any holiday glued to each others' sides? Because IRL everyone I know seems to do a mixture of family time, alone time, time with maybe one parent, children entertaining themselves etc.

Absolutely in agreement with you @icedcoffees

I am amazed that so many posters have such a narrow idea of how Christmas Day should be.

icedcoffees · 18/12/2021 18:51

[quote Clymene]@icedcoffees - you're ignoring socialisation because it's convenient to your argument. It doesn't make your point any stronger. [/quote]
I'm not ignoring socialisation at all, but OP is still making a choice that makes her miserable and resentful. It does nobody any good in the long run - least of all the DC.

I was raised with a father who took plenty of time for his hobbies and did 50% of the parenting. My mum worked full-time and never felt the need to martyr herself to me by staying home all the time when she had a partner who was just as capable of looking after me as she was.

Threads like these crop up all the time - women who are resentful because their husband has kept his personal time/hobbies going whereas they feel they have no choice but to be home for everything all the time. I'm not denying that some of it is socialisation but women are also free to make their own choices and need to take some responsibility for their own lives and happiness at some point, surely?

icedcoffees · 18/12/2021 18:52

@Clymene

Also, it's Christmas Day. Any parent who takes 2 hours to themselves during the day when they're parents to tiny children is a dick.

Christmas is about children.

Christmas Day being about children doesn't mean that everyone has to spend every second of the day focused on the children, though.

It's not being a "dick" to value time to yourself over Christmas, which is a time of year that's often full of arguments and resentment, probably because everyone is holed up together with no time apart!

Original poster
didihearthatright123456 · 18/12/2021 18:59

I’m generally very happy for DH to go off running. He’s worked from home for nearly 2 years and it really does his mental health good (as well as exercising the dog) to get out. Does he run as much as he would like? No probably not but they that’s family life!

Of course he does look after our girls but most of the time it’s 30-60 minutes at a time if I have to go out. He did take a day off last week & had the girls all day. He did find it hard, but that’s because it is effing hard with 2 toddlers.

Like I said earlier on the thread running seems to be his blind spot and he sometimes does lose all perspective but we had a chat now and he says he can absolutely see where I’m coming from.

And to the posters asking about a double running buggy, we’ve just got one and he is planning on using it in the new year.

I am 100% a big fan of park run, and have been going up with DH for years prior to lockdown (I cannot run it due to slipped discs in my back)

OP posts:
anne2650 · 18/12/2021 19:08

Yanbu. It's Christmas day ffs. His priority should be his young children. Plenty of other times he could go.

Piglet89 · 18/12/2021 19:12

I’m with @Whatwouldscullydo

wishymore · 18/12/2021 19:15

This wouldn’t bother me. I’d say go for it and trade him to be up and out early Boxing Day morning for something you want to do

Nayday · 18/12/2021 19:19

Our park run Christmas day run is a great atmosphere, lots of spectators etc. Take the kids, let off steam in the park, have a cuppa watch dad come over the finish line? I'd say exactly the same to you if you wanted to run it but DH was huffing.

toomuchlaundry · 18/12/2021 19:28

@Nayday it isn't a park run though, it's just a group of mates running

spotcheck · 18/12/2021 22:17

@rainyskylight

if he feels that it is ok/appropriate to go and leave us then he should go, but the decision will be on him.

Frankly that’s just really passive aggressive.

And seriously passive aggressive of him to 'ask'.

He's done the thing where he's abdicating parental responsibility, and asking his wife- like she's his mum or something.
Childish behaviour.

Nayday · 18/12/2021 22:25

@toomuchlaundry ah missed that. No that is completely U. Funny how they didn't think to meet up to take the kids out for fresh air 😂. Its a big "he's selfish" no from me!

Bin85 · 19/12/2021 00:00

Why don't you all go?