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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL asking DD what is your mummy cooking for tea?

181 replies

Veeveeoxox · 17/12/2021 05:09

MIL regularly face times DD she seems to always throw in a passive aggressive comment such as what is your Mummy cooking for tea? (I ordered a pizza Grin )So she then passively aggressively comments that's unhealthy. Why does she never
ask "What is your daddy cooking for tea ?"
I'm a student nurse doing an integrated masters with two assignments due in I also work on the nursing bank , her dad works from home in a low stress role. The funny thing is I do like MIL just not the expectation that her son should be waited on and not expected to help.

If I ever have a son I will not be asking my GCs what their mother was cooking for tea.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SuperSange · 17/12/2021 05:27

She is, but so are you for doing all of the cooking whilst studying and working. Have you asked him to cook?

lockdownalli · 17/12/2021 06:06

XMIL used to do this. She always asked me what I was cooking for her little boys tea.

I always answered the same - fish fingers! Xmas Grin She stopped asking.

hugr · 17/12/2021 06:17

The funny thing is I do like MIL just not the expectation that her son should be waited on and not expected to help.

My mum's the same. Incredulous at the revelation that despite working my husband feeds the baby at 1030pm every night. Cue my mum "oh I never asked your dad to do the overnight feed" Hmm

Shoxfordian · 17/12/2021 06:19

Yanbu
Tell her it’s pizza everytime like the above post

Original poster
Veeveeoxox · 17/12/2021 06:24

@hugr

The funny thing is I do like MIL just not the expectation that her son should be waited on and not expected to help.

My mum's the same. Incredulous at the revelation that despite working my husband feeds the baby at 1030pm every night. Cue my mum "oh I never asked your dad to do the overnight feed" Hmm

Do some of the older generation like to be martyrs to men? I don't get it Hmm my grandfather's wife whos 90 said "Are you cooking breakfast for your man?" as far I am concerned he has two arms he is able to cook a hot breakfast especially as DD prefers cereal Grin
OP posts:
Dollywilde · 17/12/2021 06:26

My MIL is like @hugr ‘s mum. DD is going through a spell of bad sleep and MIL keeps saying ‘oh Dolly you must be exhausted poor love!’. DH is supremely fucked off with it because he and I are sharing the bad nights and so he is also exhausted. It’s very funny Grin she does it with our house as well ‘oh Dolly you’ve made this place look beautiful’ - when DH has picked out half the furniture. It’s strange, she’s such a modern woman who’s raised a very equality focused man but she can’t seem to remember that sometimes Grin(I do love her to bits I think it’s just generational! And I don’t mind getting all the credit).

Tbh my main way of deflecting is to treat her like she’s lost her marbles a bit. Have you tried ‘what do you mean, cooking? Oh DH is on it tonight! Isn’t it lovely he has time to cook for us all when I’m so busy with all these assignments’

If her son isn’t cooking for you then that’s your bigger problem tbh.

Corbally · 17/12/2021 06:28

@Shoxfordian

Yanbu Tell her it’s pizza everytime like the above post
Yes, this. Or Coco Pops. Or say ‘Oh, just a fag and a small gin’.

My MIL knows perfectly well that DH does about 95%of all cooking here, yet still asks what I’m making, in order to indicate she thinks I should be doing it because of having a vagina, so I generally smile, look puzzled and say ‘Haven’t a clue!’

Original poster
Veeveeoxox · 17/12/2021 06:28

He does actually cook sometimes I have gone on a semi strike since the start of the academic year. Grin it's just the assumption from MIL that I should do all the cooking because I have a vagina.

OP posts:
Bellafrenum · 17/12/2021 06:32

Yes, MiL always directs questions about dcs to me. She will literally be sat next to dh and call me into the room to ask a question or tell me to do something. Drives DH mad. I started just re directing the question to him.

Mybalconyiscracking · 17/12/2021 06:48

It’s the older generation. My DM keeps saying how sorry she is that I have to work, She spent my whole childhood going to coffee mornings, seemingly.
My DDs are 16 and 18 now anyway,
I absolutely choose to work, love my job and can’t think of anything worse than a coffee morning.
We were poor as church mice when I was a child, she literally did not know where their next meal was coming from, she used to buy an egg and an apple for me at the end of the month. She literally starved sometimes.
Pointing this out to her does not stop the constant pointed remarks about how my sisters and I never seem to sit down and no wonder we are tired!

Looneytune253 · 17/12/2021 06:54

It depends. Does her son actually often cook the tea? If she knows he's a lazy bugger then why bother asking? Lol

Elfonthesofa · 17/12/2021 06:56

@Mybalconyiscracking

It’s the older generation. My DM keeps saying how sorry she is that I have to work, She spent my whole childhood going to coffee mornings, seemingly. My DDs are 16 and 18 now anyway, I absolutely choose to work, love my job and can’t think of anything worse than a coffee morning. We were poor as church mice when I was a child, she literally did not know where their next meal was coming from, she used to buy an egg and an apple for me at the end of the month. She literally starved sometimes. Pointing this out to her does not stop the constant pointed remarks about how my sisters and I never seem to sit down and no wonder we are tired!
My mum is similar. But she thought it was awful that I had to work at all when my eldest was born. Then I went part time after having DS2 because I was financially better off doing that, she spent all her time asking me why I wasn't working full time. Hmm

TBF my mum was an absolutely crap SAHM and housewife. My childhood was chaotic and it would have probably been better for us all if she had worked.

Whattochoosenow · 17/12/2021 06:59

My mum is always literally amazed that I have to work in between Christmas and New Year. It’s perfectly normal for the area I’m in, but each year she seems so surprised that it has to happen . 😁

LizzieSiddal · 17/12/2021 07:01

it's just the assumption from MIL that I should do all the cooking because I have a vagina

🤣🤣🤣

I remember one Xmas I got a bit tipsy and had forgotten to put the Xmas pudding in to steam. So I was sat in a chair cradling the pudding and laughing. Dd videod this as she thought it was hilarious. In the background you can hear MIL saying “but what are we going to do, we haven’t had any pudding”. Dh replied “mother I’m quite capable of sorting a pudding, there’s lots of things in the fridge”. Mils reply was “but you shouldn’t have to” Hmm

It’s a good job I don’t hear her at the time! 🤣

Corbally · 17/12/2021 07:03

@Whattochoosenow

My mum is always literally amazed that I have to work in between Christmas and New Year. It’s perfectly normal for the area I’m in, but each year she seems so surprised that it has to happen . 😁
I have been an academic for 26 years. Every year, my mother is surprised that I work during university vacations, and that I don’t ‘clock out’ the last Friday of termtime at 5 and not clock back in till 9 am the first Monday of the next term. Every year.
Comtesse · 17/12/2021 07:09

This is how the patriarchy gets policed isn’t it? By the generation above saying “aren’t you going to do that, dear?”.

Snuggledupforwinter · 17/12/2021 07:15

My response usually is "freezer roulette" an unlabelled surprise from my batch cooking. But i've sadly noticed I've started asking Dd at Uni what she's cooking for dinner as worried she's not eating enough. Sadly she dislikes cooking as much as I do. Food is mere fuel to us both! Except for chocolate of course which is vital!

Billandben444 · 17/12/2021 07:15

Yes, it's a generational thing and will die out when we do. Then you'll be the generation saying something deemed inappropriate to your adult children and reading about it on MN.

LizzieSiddal · 17/12/2021 07:20

I’m in my mid 50s and would ask “what are you having for tea”. I’d never assume the mother is cooking rather than the father who wfh. It’s pure sexism.

PAFMO · 17/12/2021 07:26

If it's near dinnertime and she knows you aren't working but the child's father is (lots of equal and opposite threads since the beginning of Covid about how people WFH are considered to be not really working/skiving/able to work while taking on everything else in the household) then I think you're seeing offence for the sake of it.
Who cooks and looks after your child when you are at work?

stingofthebutterfly · 17/12/2021 07:28

Why, oh why, do people always manage to find problems in absolutely nothing? So she asked what you were cooking, big deal. It's conversation. That's it. Just say I'm not cooking tonight, it's my husband's turn/takeaway/whatever. It's a non-issue.

Bunce1 · 17/12/2021 07:30

But it’s not a sexist assumption as it is you who does all the cooking?? Confused. Your MIL knows you and your home and probably is just commenting on what she observes?

Sounds like you need more support from your DH.

N0N4M3 · 17/12/2021 07:32

Oh my mum is like this towards my SIL. It's funny because she raised me and my brother to be equally hands-on with the cooking and housework since we were 11 or 12 But she still talks to me in conspiratorial tones about the time she went round after SIL had had her second baby within a year "and your brother was doing all the cooking AND the washing up, and I thought to myself 'hm, what an interesting relationship they have'" Xmas Hmm
Fortunately SIL takes it in her stride - I'd be far less patient!

DBI78 · 17/12/2021 07:34

My exmil did similar, if she didn't like something I was doing she would say to dd "nana will have to smack mammys bum if she does that again" it use to really piss me off. My own mother once asked if when my oh gets in from work do I send the kids upstairs to be quiet and let him wind down ( we both worked full time) I was like "no I send them to him so I can have a break!!"

Totalwasteofpaper · 17/12/2021 07:35

You need to change your perspective

I used to feel like this. Now I just use it to troll my mil and I kind of love it

Mil "Oh is my pbf son cooking YOU dinner again?"
Me "Yes! Grin he is also cooking your dinner He has become a fantastic cook under my tutelage. you should be very proud when I met him it was all microwave meals!!!" like you, you shit cook! Grin
Mil "Oh well you are a VERY lucky girl. Because I NEVER had anyone do anything like that for poor me" (lies)
Me "Polite laugh. Oh MIL! What are you like!!! I think we all know he is the lucky one."
Mil Shock
Me: only joking we are both very lucky to have found each other. We are just soooooo very happy and no amount of your meddling will ruin it
Mil:

This conversation (amongst other similar ones) has been had at least 10 times - I knid out love it now

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