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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL asking DD what is your mummy cooking for tea?

181 replies

Veeveeoxox · 17/12/2021 05:09

MIL regularly face times DD she seems to always throw in a passive aggressive comment such as what is your Mummy cooking for tea? (I ordered a pizza Grin )So she then passively aggressively comments that's unhealthy. Why does she never
ask "What is your daddy cooking for tea ?"
I'm a student nurse doing an integrated masters with two assignments due in I also work on the nursing bank , her dad works from home in a low stress role. The funny thing is I do like MIL just not the expectation that her son should be waited on and not expected to help.

If I ever have a son I will not be asking my GCs what their mother was cooking for tea.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Squeezita · 17/12/2021 07:35

@PAFMO

If it's near dinnertime and she knows you aren't working but the child's father is (lots of equal and opposite threads since the beginning of Covid about how people WFH are considered to be not really working/skiving/able to work while taking on everything else in the household) then I think you're seeing offence for the sake of it. Who cooks and looks after your child when you are at work?
But she is working AND studying.

So MIL should bloody well ask her son what he’s cooking.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 17/12/2021 07:35

It's not generational, it's just sexism. Only people in their 80s+ were alive when it was normal for women to do everything, and even that generation saw things change for their daughters generation (like me).

Sparklybanana · 17/12/2021 07:35

Both my mil and dm complain that their oh don't ever cook dinner but they never ask, never go on strike, and if either of them ever cook, they hover around and criticise. They both assume its the same in our house despite knowing my dh is a great cook and we share (although not fairly ill admit). My mil taught dh to cook so he wouldn't be as useless (her words). My dm even made a birthday cake 'just in case' and dh blew it out the water with his.
It's not that long ago that women were still expected to do all this, it's a hard habit to break. I don't hold it against my mums but I do frequently ask when the dads are going to cook. My dad will but so far failing with fil after 15 years....
Is your mils situation the same? Is she the one doing all the donkey work? In that case yabu, it's not vindictive, just projection.

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 07:35

@Bunce1

But it’s not a sexist assumption as it is you who does all the cooking?? Confused. Your MIL knows you and your home and probably is just commenting on what she observes?

Sounds like you need more support from your DH.

But she doesn’t do all the cooking? Confused
stalkersaga · 17/12/2021 07:36

My mum shakes her head sadly and says "Poor DH!" every time she sees him cooking (he does 95% of the cooking) or ironing shirts. His fucking shirts.

She worked FT+ as a medic my entire life and was very successful, and employed a FT nanny-housekeeper. I think she does it just to wind me up at this stage.

SueSaid · 17/12/2021 07:36

God, its a conversation. Phone or facetime chats with small children can be hardwork, 'what did you do at school' and 'what are you having for tea' are pretty standard tbh.

ThinWomansBrain · 17/12/2021 07:39

@Veeveeoxox

He does actually cook sometimes I have gone on a semi strike since the start of the academic year. Grin it's just the assumption from MIL that I should do all the cooking because I have a vagina.
I'd be more pissed off that he only "actually cooks sometimes" - you make it sound that him cooking is a rare occasion. Enabling him to think it's normal for you to cook 95% of the time, or having to be pushed into doing a reasonable share of meal preparation because 'you have a vagina' is surely more of a problem than MIL assuming its the norm?
Joystir59 · 17/12/2021 07:40

It's a case of some older women who always bowed to the oppression of their gender role resenting it, and expecting younger women to suck it up and be as oppressed as they always were.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 17/12/2021 07:40

My ds cooks every night and even my dm asks when will his gf cook

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 07:41

@JaniieJones

God, its a conversation. Phone or facetime chats with small children can be hardwork, 'what did you do at school' and 'what are you having for tea' are pretty standard tbh.
But it’s not ‘what are you having for tea’. Bit arrogant to assume you know her better than OP does.
Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 17/12/2021 07:43

Ask her directly next time with a smile..

"Mil, you always assume I'm cooking and doing the donkey work? Why aren't you asking what your son cooks? What did you teach him to cook?"

Vallmo47 · 17/12/2021 07:45

I hear you Op, my MIL does similar. She takes it one step further as well, and says things like “Oh I hope my son doesn’t catch it” when I’m ill. I do try to laugh because it’s so rude. Like I was diagnosed with a condition and she looked so worried and said “I wish I knew where my son’s levels were at”.

gogohm · 17/12/2021 07:46

Depends on the household, my mum would never be stupid enough to think my exh was cooking, he couldn't (he was good at cups of tea and generous paying for food out). Dp can't cook either

Octopus37 · 17/12/2021 07:49

I loved my MIL but looking back on it, she did have the expectation that I should do all the work. I remember one time when I asked Paul to pick up some clothes for me from home (memory of this a bit sketchy), he came back with loads of stuff that I dont wear. She was saying how well he had done to bring me some clothes back. Also when I had DS2, she said, dont forget you've got three boys now. As I say, I loved her very much, but that was hard.

Apandemicyousay · 17/12/2021 07:50

When I was a junior doctor working long weekends, and often had to miss family occasions. My MIL could never see it from my perspective and her immediate response was “who/what will sort dh’s dinner?” And my standard response was “same person that will have to sort his breakfast and lunch and have my dinner ready when I get home”. Lots of cat bum face but he’s an awesome cook and does 90% of it, she doesn’t think he should have to do it. Similarly she’s utterly appalled we have a dishwasher and a cleaner. Thinks I’m lazy. I just don’t care, but we do actually get on ok, I just let it wash over me and we have a good two hour laugh in the way home as to who heard what.

GeodesicDome · 17/12/2021 07:53

This is how the patriarchy gets policed isn’t it? By the generation above saying “aren’t you going to do that, dear?”.

And the patriarchy is perpetuated by younger women endlessly criticising their mothers. It rolls on, generations of women keeping each other in line.

Your DDs will all be on here one day, slagging you off.

Dontbekatty · 17/12/2021 07:55

@Totalwasteofpaper
Me "Polite laugh. Oh MIL! What are you like!!! I think we all know he is the lucky one."
Mil Shock

Brilliant Grin

Jayaywhynot · 17/12/2021 07:56

I work in a technical role, when I talk to my mum about work her reply is "that's bloody dangerous" basically she thinks woman are incapable and these roles should be performed by men and by my doing this role I'm putting people in danger 🙄 despite my decades of experience.
She also constantly tells me to quit my job and go work in a supermarket (better suited to women)
Her latest is for me to retire as she retired at 50

KevinTheKoala · 17/12/2021 07:56

My FIL does this, only he's not even subtle about what he's doing... 'what's mummy cooking you for tea' - shephards pie - 'from a packet mix I assume' with a ridiculous over exaggerated laugh.....I now refuse to have any contact with him.

Bubblty · 17/12/2021 07:56

Just answer her with DH is cooking xyz everytime. I get fed up being asked questions from inlaws about what my child needs/wants for Christmas etc and direct them to DH everytime. I think they are slowly learning..

dayswithaY · 17/12/2021 07:58

My MIL used to put my children to bed when I worked nights. My DD was about 4 when told me the night before MIL looked at her rumpled bed, sighed and said:

"Obviously Mummy didn't have time to make your bed today."

She made DD wait on the landing as she vigorously made the bed, plumping pillows and tucking in hospital corners, then told me daughter it was ok to get in it.

Thank goodness she was there to save the day. 😡

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 08:03

@GeodesicDome

This is how the patriarchy gets policed isn’t it? By the generation above saying “aren’t you going to do that, dear?”.

And the patriarchy is perpetuated by younger women endlessly criticising their mothers. It rolls on, generations of women keeping each other in line.

Your DDs will all be on here one day, slagging you off.

It’s sad that you see this as slagging off, when it’s apparent that most of the women posting their stories are gentle with their MILs and DMs despite their sexist attitudes.
Cocomarine · 17/12/2021 08:03

@Veeveeoxox

He does actually cook sometimes I have gone on a semi strike since the start of the academic year. Grin it's just the assumption from MIL that I should do all the cooking because I have a vagina.
So he was cooking so rarely that you had the “strike” 🤨 and yet you think it’s sexist that MIL assumes you’re the one doing the cooking? Right.
woodlandarchitect · 17/12/2021 08:06

My mum does this! She knows I hate it but she continues anyway.

DH and I share cooking 50 / 50 and my mum hates it!

Bagamoyo1 · 17/12/2021 08:09

@stingofthebutterfly

Why, oh why, do people always manage to find problems in absolutely nothing? So she asked what you were cooking, big deal. It's conversation. That's it. Just say I'm not cooking tonight, it's my husband's turn/takeaway/whatever. It's a non-issue.
Exactly. But this is mumsnet, where MIL = Satan, and no one misses an opportunity to have a moan. I’d love to come back in 20-30 years when these women are MILs themselves.