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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL asking DD what is your mummy cooking for tea?

181 replies

Veeveeoxox · 17/12/2021 05:09

MIL regularly face times DD she seems to always throw in a passive aggressive comment such as what is your Mummy cooking for tea? (I ordered a pizza Grin )So she then passively aggressively comments that's unhealthy. Why does she never
ask "What is your daddy cooking for tea ?"
I'm a student nurse doing an integrated masters with two assignments due in I also work on the nursing bank , her dad works from home in a low stress role. The funny thing is I do like MIL just not the expectation that her son should be waited on and not expected to help.

If I ever have a son I will not be asking my GCs what their mother was cooking for tea.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheRemotePart · 18/12/2021 19:12

My angel of a MIL actually makes and brings DGC dinners for him every week!
I suppose it could be deemed offensive -she so worried he’ll be a picky eater like me Grin
Saves me a job and it brings her joy to feed PFB DGC Wink
I remember my own DGM asking stuff like that -maybe it’s just a granny thing? Lol

  • but she does not expect DH to be fed or incapable of making his own dinner
Vinomummyinlockdown · 18/12/2021 19:23

You’re never going to win against MIL when darling son is involved!!!!! I learned that. Ignore it! They’ll mainly be biased. Who cares

Fluffmum · 18/12/2021 19:27

It’s a generation thing don’t stress about it

Suzanne999 · 18/12/2021 20:23

It’s partly a generational thing. I have a relative who’s been married to a husband she hates for 50 years. She still cooks him breakfast every morning. He’s never cooked a meal in his life, she even used to clean his shoes for him.
I’m only 15 years younger than her and her way of life is totally alien to me. So if your MIL is 70- ish she’s my relatives age group.

FangsForTheMemory · 18/12/2021 20:30

@corbally 'oh just a fag and a small gin' made me roar.

I would SO say this!

backtolifebacktoreality · 18/12/2021 23:26

I remember my husband and I both going through a really busy patch at work and we tried to find someone that we could pay to do the family ironing. Most of it was my husband's work shirts. My MIL said she'd do it and I paid her.

My husband and I went round her house after work one night and my FIL said to me "come and look at all your ironing that MIL has done for you". My response was "DH, you go and look. It's your ironing, not mine"!

BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 18/12/2021 23:32

Do some of the older generation like to be martyrs to men?

This member of the older generation, 73, is a martyr to no-one but my late MIL was amazingly so! We were visiting one weekend and it was when the Friday night film was on 9-10 then 10.30-the end, so damned annoying too. The young woman next door, who was very good to her, had come round and said she was looking forward to the second part at half ten. MIL piped up But you'll need to go home and get Steve some supper when he comes back from the pub! She really thought it was terrible when I suggested he could get his own or go to the chippy.

BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 18/12/2021 23:39

@JaniieJones

God, its a conversation. Phone or facetime chats with small children can be hardwork, 'what did you do at school' and 'what are you having for tea' are pretty standard tbh.
But this is MN, the home of forensic conversation deconstruction.
BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 18/12/2021 23:42

@MissCruellaDeVil

When I got engaged to DH, MIL told me I would need to learn how to cook now I would have a husband to feed! I asked her what was wrong with her son's arms...
When we told MIL that I was pregnant after 8 years of marriage, not that we'd been trying before at all, her first comment to me was How will you manage his meals when you're in hospital?
BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 18/12/2021 23:52

@elliejjtiny

My Mil does this. It works both ways though. If she sees me doing any kind of "man's work" she practically gives me a medal and then tells dh off for not putting the bins out/carrying something heavy. The other day she was shocked when we had people round for dinner and dh was cooking and I was putting up the fold up table.
I once put a new fuse in an iron for MIL, when we saw her a few days later she told me she'd had the Man next door to check it, just in case!
Original poster
Veeveeoxox · 19/12/2021 00:00

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

It's a definite "thing" with some mothers of men.

My MIL Is also of the belief that DH shouldn't do any cooking because he's male and has a job. I have a job too - looking after Every Other Fucking Thing, and we have 2 DSs, so quite honestly, him doing 3 nights a week cooking isn't that much of an ask, plus it is needed to show that boys that one does NOT require a vagina to do house stuff like cooking and washing up and so on.

MIL thinks I'm being Too Hard on him though Hmm - but then she set his belief pattern up by never creating the good habits of helping with the cooking/washingup/tidying etc. So what does she know.

This is it , I feel like if she would have coddled him less I wouldn't have such a battle . My DD helps me with chores so will a DS if I have one.
OP posts:
LouBan · 19/12/2021 00:22

I think it's a generation thing. I don't think my father ever cooked a meal in his whole life! But I don't remember my mum ever complaining about it.
My aunt was surprised that I didn't give up work when I got married. I think she expected me to spend my days taking care of the house and have a meal waiting for DH when he got home from work!
When my father passed away, I went back to South Africa. So many of my mum's friends asked what DH was doing about food while I was away and had I cooked lots of meals for him and frozen them. I had just lost my father, DH had been cooking for me before I left for South Africa and is totally capable of taking care of himself! They were so surprised!

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2021 00:50

I do wish people would fuck off with all this 'generational' crap.

Precisely which 'generation' are you talking about?

I'm in my 60s, DH in 70s. None of this is my experience.

virtuallyanass · 19/12/2021 01:06

I have this every night MIL FaceTimes at 6pm and says is Daddy in the kitchen cooking? NO HE FUCKING ISNT, he's still at work. I cook EVERY DAMN NIGHT and Daddy comes in to dinner on the table at 7pm. Why don't you FaceTime him. Oh and she thinks I only cook fish fingers.

Londoncallingme · 19/12/2021 03:40

YABU not to tell her.

Londoncallingme · 19/12/2021 03:42

@Nanny0gg

I do wish people would fuck off with all this 'generational' crap.

Precisely which 'generation' are you talking about?

I'm in my 60s, DH in 70s. None of this is my experience.

Well then you’re unusual, most people in 60’s and particularly 70’s have this perception of gender roles from their own childhood.
ElftonWednesday · 19/12/2021 03:54

My MIL always thanks me for her Christmas and birthday gifts, when in reality I had nothing to do with them. I do always give DH the credit, he is very thoughtful with presents.

When we go on holidays my DM always asks whether I've packed DH's case yet, and I have to remind her every time that he packs his own, and I've never packed anything for him in his life.

ElftonWednesday · 19/12/2021 03:59

The one that really got me though was when I used to go to a running club on a Saturday morning when DDs were small a few of the other women, knowing I was married, used to ask who has my DDs while I run.

MyOtherProfile · 19/12/2021 04:33

When we got married my grandma said oh you'll notice a difference now that you have to cook proper meals every day for dh. I was over 30 - no idea what she thought I had been doing up to then, and she was a bit shocked when I told her he does most of the cooking in the week since he works shorter hours and frankly is a better cook than me!

JennyForeigner · 19/12/2021 07:35

@DBI78

My exmil did similar, if she didn't like something I was doing she would say to dd "nana will have to smack mammys bum if she does that again" it use to really piss me off. My own mother once asked if when my oh gets in from work do I send the kids upstairs to be quiet and let him wind down ( we both worked full time) I was like "no I send them to him so I can have a break!!"
She said WHAT now?

No wonder you are divorced.

bigyellowTpot · 19/12/2021 13:57

It is because mums still do the majority of household chores especially during your mil generation. it was probably quite unusual for a dad to have cooked tea in her generation so she's probably still into that way of thinking.
And let's face it it still is us mums that do most of the cooking my OH wouldn't have a clue.

hban · 19/12/2021 20:45

I have the opposite problem.

MIL makes comments like, well DH does ALL the cooking, or when the baby is crying and I go to hug her ‘oh she must want her daddy’ or when I was pregnant ‘we know it’ll be DH changing all the nappies’. Assumes DH does all the school runs despite us explaining he doesn’t.

In reality we both work part time (2.5 days a week each) and both are part time sahp to 3 children, we do 50/50 childcare, cleaning, cooking etc (well probably 60 me, 40 DH) but she is determined to paint me as a lazy absent parent who doesn’t know my children.

pteradactyl · 20/12/2021 08:03

I think this is definitely it in some cases.

BabyBunnyMama · 20/12/2021 08:23

My MIL always asks 'what is daddy making for dinner' which comes across as passive aggressive as in 'mummy does sweet f* all and daddy does everything' which couldn't be further from the truth 🙄

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 20/12/2021 08:26

"the home of the forensic conversation deconstruction"

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂.

Wonderful.