MIL asking DD what is your mummy cooking for tea?

[Veeveeoxox]

MIL regularly face times DD she seems to always throw in a passive aggressive comment such as what is your Mummy cooking for tea? (I ordered a pizza )So she then passively aggressively comments that's unhealthy. Why does she never
ask "What is your daddy cooking for tea ?"
I'm a student nurse doing an integrated masters with two assignments due in I also work on the nursing bank , her dad works from home in a low stress role. The funny thing is I do like MIL just not the expectation that her son should be waited on and not expected to help.

If I ever have a son I will not be asking my GCs what their mother was cooking for tea.

AIBU?

DMIL does this. If DS was messing about with a feather duster, it would be ‘oh helping mummy clean?’ If he was wearing something a bit small for him, it would be ‘mummy needs to get you a bigger top’ etc etc. I just laugh and say ‘oh daddy does the cleaning in this house!’ or similar. I do really love MIL but she’s a bit old fashioned about family gender roles.

@Dollywilde

My MIL is like *@hugr* ‘s mum. DD is going through a spell of bad sleep and MIL keeps saying ‘oh Dolly you must be exhausted poor love!’. DH is supremely fucked off with it because he and I are sharing the bad nights and so he is also exhausted. It’s very funny she does it with our house as well ‘oh Dolly you’ve made this place look beautiful’ - when DH has picked out half the furniture. It’s strange, she’s such a modern woman who’s raised a very equality focused man but she can’t seem to remember that sometimes (I do love her to bits I think it’s just generational! And I don’t mind getting all the credit).

Tbh my main way of deflecting is to treat her like she’s lost her marbles a bit. Have you tried ‘what do you mean, cooking? Oh DH is on it tonight! Isn’t it lovely he has time to cook for us all when I’m so busy with all these assignments’

If her son isn’t cooking for you then that’s your bigger problem tbh.

It sounds like she's just trying to show you appreciation, even if it's slightly clumsily done. As the mother of DSs myself, personally in the future if I have a DIL who made my DS happy, was doing a great job with my DGC, and the house, I'd be falling over myself to try and show appreciation in any way I could too. There's all to many unhappy households out there. I'd be grateful as a MIL if my DS's and my DGC's wasn't one of them.

@LizzieSiddal

I’m in my mid 50s and would ask “what are you having for tea”. I’d never assume the mother is cooking rather than the father who wfh. It’s pure sexism.

Yes I'm similar and agree its sexism first and foremost.

My DF who would be in his 90s was entirely capable of cooking, laundry and cleaning. She lived with rather than believed the patriarchal expectations but made sure her own sons were capable and not pathetically dependent on a woman to feed them.

I have often had discussions with younger women including friends of my DC who still have that ingrained sense that ultimately the woman is responsible and is "lucky" if their male partner pulls their weight at home.

Patriarchy is alive and well, it just changes messaging from time to time.

@Veeveeoxox

She is a nice person but I think she just furthers sexism if my OH has to stay over because he has a meeting in London she will get up super early prepare a cooked breakfast for him then pack his lunch he's 34!!!

Yet you think it’s ok for him to not routinely cook for the family, even though you’re the one with the heavier time commitments?

Maybe she's assuming it's your responsibility not because you have a vagina but because you do usually make dinner and even if it's ordering in pizza, it seems to be you that does it

It's very annoying but she's from a different generation where generally the women cooked.

And to add to my post, this is what I can't understand when I read about MILs on here causing trouble and upset and sticking their nose or the boot in. If their DCs are happily married, and their DGCs are being raised well, I would not be making any trouble and in fact would probably be over-complimenting, because to me it's the jackpot, if you can raise your DCs to be happily married/partnered with a great partner who raises any DGC properly and creates a happy home for all. But I can see from Dolly's post that I might probably rub a DIL up the wrong way for being too complimentary

But you ARE doing all the cooking OP. That's what needs to change.

btw. Bit astonished by the lack of knowledge of women's history shown on this thread by some posters. Some of the choices available to us were simply not there for our predecessors. For example, when my parents applied for a mortgage in the 60's, my mum, who was working as a Chemist in couldn't even get her income included in the calculation. It literally didn't count. Because she was a woman.

Train your daughter to always ask nanny what grandad is making for tea?

@ilovesushi

Maybe it's just a simple unloaded question. If it's around dinner time she's probably wondering to put on for herself and is making chit chat? If you usually do the cooking, then it's normal of her to ask what you are cooking.

How is saying the food is unhealthy ‘a simple unloaded question’?

I get it. When I was heavily pregnant/still working/looking after my toddler son too, my husband was diagnosed with coeliac disease.
I remember my (actually very lovely!) MIL saying to me “so have you worked out lots of options for his lunches then?”!!!
I just said “have I worked out lots of options?! No!!!” and walked away almost laughing!
Heaven forbid he could spend some time doing that himself!!

I recall being back in the UK during school holidays, at the time I wasn't back to teaching, we were visiting MIL and the girls were a bit noisy. Cue 'don't disturb Daddy, he's been working hard and deserves some peace and quiet'! Cue from me, 'Yes because Mummy sits on her arse all day while the house fairy does all the work'.

Once I was back teaching she tended to refer to my 'little job' and she said this one day to a couple of her friends, I chipped in 'Actually, my job is considerably senior to (son's) and I earn a lot more'. When I had got the promotion to the head of a major department in a HIgh School her reaction had been 'Were there no married men with children who needed that job?'.
OH never reacted to her, it would have needed a bomb on his head for him to have realised she was speaking, if she said anything to him I would have to poke him and say 'Your mother's talking to you'.

It might be something I would ask if I knew that "Mummy" generally cooked tea.

I don't go out to work but my husband still cooks most weekends.

my grandfather's wife whos 90 said "Are you cooking breakfast for your man?" as far I am concerned he has two arms he is able to cook a hot breakfast especially as DD prefers cereal

I would definitely mention that, while DH did the cooking, I never allowed him to eat fried breakfasts, as I thought a husband had a duty to his wife to keep his figure.

OH never reacted to her, it would have needed a bomb on his head for him to have realised she was speaking, if she said anything to him I would have to poke him and say 'Your mother's talking to you'.

That's incredibly funny.

@Bubblty

Just answer her with DH is cooking xyz everytime. I get fed up being asked questions from inlaws about what my child needs/wants for Christmas etc and direct them to DH everytime. I think they are slowly learning..

What is so offensive about your in laws asking you what your DC would like for Christmas?

Definitely a generational thing. The thing is many older women would have been housewives and the husband the breadwinner...and in that case, it's reasonable to expect that the woman cooks and cleans etc. However, now women are mainly expected to work yet the older generation seem to think the men still deserves the respect and deference as if they were the sole breadwinner.

I'm a sahm but I remember when my elderly, childfree aunt stayed the night at my house. In the morning, I was making breakfast for my toddler and spoon feeding my baby porridge and she was flapping round very concerned with what I was going to make dh for breakfast...er nothing!

Like Elfonthesofa my mum was also a crap SAHM. She is only 51 now! I think it's a generational thing and idealism of what it's like looking after kids at home all the time and the expectation put on to us women.

My dad and stepmother are in their 80s; my dad is fit (still goes hiking) but she has been very poorly. I asked if he was looking after her nicely, and what he'd been cooking to keep up her strength - deafening silence. Of course she's still been cooking his dinners. I made a point of asking as he's unlikely to come up with the idea of cooking himself. Don't know if he's taken it on board.

Why don't you ask her why she doesn't ask if her son is cooking it?

My mum does this to me and DH is a stay at home Dad to older children while I work long hours full time plus the odd weekend. "I suppose you're going to have to go and cook dinner for everyone now?" When I tell her that probably DH will cook for himself and youngest and the rest of us will get leftovers or fend for ourselves because we are busy doing other stuff, I get something like, "poor DH making dinner on his own while you're out visiting me" without irony. Also gives me tips about how to keep on top of the house work when she knows it's DH's job that he shirks whenever possible and he's the one the tips need directing at

@Veeveeoxox

He does actually cook sometimes I have gone on a semi strike since the start of the academic year. it's just the assumption from MIL that I should do all the cooking because I have a vagina.

He cooks "sometimes"?

Why are you blaming MiL?
Sounds like it's your husband making the assumption that you should do all the cooking.
And you've allowed it ...

He does actually cook sometimes

YABU - you usually do the cooking so of course she’s going to ask what you are cooking.

Why are you mad at her for your partners lazy behaviour?

Tell him as he WFH and has a less stressful job then he needs to do 90% of the cooking and housework, and you can both share childcare responsibilities.

I don't think it's generational.

My Dad (91) worked long hours & often Sat morning & always helped out when he could re cooking & washing up even when Mum didn't work.

@Carryonmarion

My mum does this to me and DH is a stay at home Dad to older children while I work long hours full time plus the odd weekend. "I suppose you're going to have to go and cook dinner for everyone now?" When I tell her that probably DH will cook for himself and youngest and the rest of us will get leftovers or fend for ourselves because we are busy doing other stuff, I get something like, "poor DH making dinner on his own while you're out visiting me" without irony. Also gives me tips about how to keep on top of the house work when she knows it's DH's job that he shirks whenever possible and he's the one the tips need directing at

Not the point of the thread but why doesn’t he go back to work if the children are older and he shirks his duties at home?