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Original poster

Ex forcing himself to my house for Christmas Dinner?

121 replies

scorpiogirly · 17/12/2021 01:08

I have posted two threads under this username about my ex. I am a regular poster but thought I would use this name if anyone would like to check the previous threads for context.

There has been atmosphere between us since the end of October, which became much worse when I organised a babysitter on his non day of seeing our DD.

The interrogation has continued, snide remarks etc. I decided that I thought it best that he didn’t have Christmas dinner here at my house with myself and DD. We barely speak unless he is asking me questions on my private life, or he’s arguing with me in front of our daughter.

I don’t want the atmosphere here that day, he has called me vile names so for that reason, I don’t see why I should cook a meal for him. Of course, I wouldn’t stop him from seeing our daughter on the day, I just don’t want him to come for dinner.

I have tried to bring it up for a while, but I sent a text tonight saying basically as things are the way they are at the moment with the constant atmosphere, I think it would be best to have Christmas Dinner separately this year and that I wasn’t doing it to be mean, but that I just don’t want a bad atmosphere for her.

He replied saying it wasn’t fair, and he doesn’t know why I’m even thinking this. That after all he is going through because of me, he looks forward to seeing dd and he wants Christ dinner with her. He can’t see us getting on like we used to before, but it will be put aside as it’s Christmas.

Our dd is 3.5 and has witnessed far too much already. Being civil and answering with one word answers isn’t really enough, that alone is an atmosphere that she will pick up on.

We have been split for 3.5 years.

Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Levithian · 17/12/2021 01:12

Stick to your guns. He is manipulating you. Don't waver... He will take any sign of changing your mind and he'll play you.

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 17/12/2021 01:13

I guess also I would like to know if I am being a bit spiteful with this? I always end up feeling guilty and sorry for him.

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 17/12/2021 01:17

He’s your ex, why is this even a thing?!

Your ex doesn’t come to you for Christmas lunch!

No!

RobertSmithsLipstick · 17/12/2021 01:17

Dont engage with him about anything at all unless it is about your daughter.
He can't argue if you refuse to get drawn in.

Bunnyfuller · 17/12/2021 01:17

Forget atmosphere etc, you are not a couple, not family. He does not spend Christmas with you.

Dillydollydingdong · 17/12/2021 01:18

No, of course you aren't being spiteful. He's a CF expecting you to cook him Christmas dinner. It would be a nightmare. Don't let him bully you.

DropYourSword · 17/12/2021 01:19

If he wants Christmas dinner with her, HE can bloody cook it!

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 17/12/2021 01:20

So far you've continued to cook for him each
Christmas Day since you've split up? He can't surely expect that to just keep going. Does he ever cook for you? What did he do at Christmas before you were together?

Time to get this agreed formally as part of your other contact arrangements. No, I don't think you're being spiteful. I'm guessing he's never offered to help make the dinner or pay for you all to go out.

Vapeyvapevape · 17/12/2021 01:21

Do not have him round for Christmas dinner, stand firm. It’s time to start alternating Christmas Day contact, he’s obviously still got a hold over you so maybe seek help to learn how to be more assertive.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 17/12/2021 01:22

Why would you spend christmas with an ex who is full of spite?
What on earth is the point?

avamiah · 17/12/2021 01:22

@Bunnyfuller

He’s your ex, why is this even a thing?!

Your ex doesn’t come to you for Christmas lunch!

No!

Absolutely Correct
toomuchlaundry · 17/12/2021 01:23

Should you be sharing Christmas Day?

LittleRedLeaf · 17/12/2021 01:24

Nip it in the bud now is my advice. You don't need to be cooking Christmas dinner for him or having him in your house. It's not spiteful at all and your DD is so young that she will just follow your lead.

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 17/12/2021 01:24

I have cooked every year she’s been her, bar the first when she was 5 months old and I went to a friends house for dinner, I didn’t cook that year because dd was too young to eat it.

That year he went to his parents house. His mother passed away just before the first lockdown, but his dad cooks now for the family.

He can’t cook, unless it’s putting frozen food in the oven. And we have always split meals out, apart from when it was a birthday.

OP posts:
Original poster
scorpiogirly · 17/12/2021 01:25

@toomuchlaundry

Should you be sharing Christmas Day?
What do you mean?
OP posts:
RobertSmithsLipstick · 17/12/2021 01:25

Time he learnt to cook then.
Unless your happy for this unhealthy situation to be played out every year?

Lammysaurus · 17/12/2021 01:26

Why on earth would you invite him, or would he act as if he is or should be invited?

I don't know what your custody arrangement is but if you can work it out so your daughter spends part of Christmas day with you and part with him, that's ideal. If it's not possible then the two of you can figure out how to divide up the holiday period. But you both do everything you can to facilitate her going back and forth; you don't even need to have direct contact with each other if one of you objects.

He absolutely should not be in your house unless and until you freely choose to invite him. If that never happens, then he'll never be there.
Treat his request as if it is ridiculous and an automatic "no", because that is what it is and should be.

AdaColeman · 17/12/2021 01:27

He is your EX.
Why are you even considering inviting him for Christmas dinner? Does he usually see the child at your house? What does he usually provide in the way of contact arrangements?

MintJulia · 17/12/2021 01:28

Suggest that you have DD for Christmas morning for present opening etc and that you drop her off with him at 1pm. He can cook DD Xmas dinner and you can soak in a hot bath with a glass of champagne etc.

Let him cook for once. He's nothing more than a bad tempered freeloading arse! Of course you don't want him in your house.

Rtmhwales · 17/12/2021 01:28

You split when or before she's born? Why did you even start this "tradition"? She has zero memory of you together.. she wasn't even born. Just do your separate days.

avamiah · 17/12/2021 01:28

Non Molestation Order comes to mind.

Google family Law in your area and go from there.
Also depending on your financial circumstances you could be granted legal aid ( not have to pay for the order)

Hope this helps

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 17/12/2021 01:34

@Lammysaurus

Why on earth would you invite him, or would he act as if he is or should be invited?

I don't know what your custody arrangement is but if you can work it out so your daughter spends part of Christmas day with you and part with him, that's ideal. If it's not possible then the two of you can figure out how to divide up the holiday period. But you both do everything you can to facilitate her going back and forth; you don't even need to have direct contact with each other if one of you objects.

He absolutely should not be in your house unless and until you freely choose to invite him. If that never happens, then he'll never be there.
Treat his request as if it is ridiculous and an automatic "no", because that is what it is and should be.

We don’t have an official custody agreement at the moment. He sees dd every weekend at my house but he has recently started taking her out on his own on a Saturday for a few hours. This is because I never trusted him to parent safely due to many past issues which were serious. But now she is getting older, it isn’t as much of a concern as it was before.

He has threatened to take me to court recently. I have actually been saying too that we need to go as this cannot continue, he thinks he will get way more time than EOW. I explained that she will be in school soon and as it’s not feasible for him to have dd during the week as he will not be able to drop her to school or pick her up due to work, it will be every other weekend as I will need weekends to do things with her too. He then suggested he could pick her up from here after work during the week, and bring her back at 9pm, I told him this wouldn’t be acceptable on a school night. We used to get on okay for the most part since the split, and as we were both single, it just made sense for him to be there to share the times I guess. Things have changed now though and I realise that was a mistake.

OP posts:
Original poster
scorpiogirly · 17/12/2021 01:37

@Rtmhwales

You split when or before she's born? Why did you even start this "tradition"? She has zero memory of you together.. she wasn't even born. Just do your separate days.
We were technically still together when she was born, I was trying to end the relationship before she was born as he didn’t want any commitment. He wanted to stay together, not live together or get married, and keep his house to escape to a few nights a week for a break. I suppose the ‘break up’ lasted a few months with the back and forth. I officially ended it once and for all when she was 2 months old.
OP posts:
Bellyups · 17/12/2021 01:38

You are being ridiculous to be so accommodating to this insufferable control freak.
The whole set up is not normal

Do you have feelings for him? Why are you even entertaining this?

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 17/12/2021 01:40

@Bellyups

You are being ridiculous to be so accommodating to this insufferable control freak. The whole set up is not normal

Do you have feelings for him? Why are you even entertaining this?

No I definitely do not have feelings for him. It is strange. I always thought I was a string person. We used to argue a lot about the things he did when we were together, as time has gone on though, I say less and less. It’s almost like he will not take no for an answer until he gets his own way.
OP posts: