Ex forcing himself to my house for Christmas Dinner?

[scorpiogirly]

I have posted two threads under this username about my ex. I am a regular poster but thought I would use this name if anyone would like to check the previous threads for context.

There has been atmosphere between us since the end of October, which became much worse when I organised a babysitter on his non day of seeing our DD.

The interrogation has continued, snide remarks etc. I decided that I thought it best that he didn’t have Christmas dinner here at my house with myself and DD. We barely speak unless he is asking me questions on my private life, or he’s arguing with me in front of our daughter.

I don’t want the atmosphere here that day, he has called me vile names so for that reason, I don’t see why I should cook a meal for him. Of course, I wouldn’t stop him from seeing our daughter on the day, I just don’t want him to come for dinner.

I have tried to bring it up for a while, but I sent a text tonight saying basically as things are the way they are at the moment with the constant atmosphere, I think it would be best to have Christmas Dinner separately this year and that I wasn’t doing it to be mean, but that I just don’t want a bad atmosphere for her.

He replied saying it wasn’t fair, and he doesn’t know why I’m even thinking this. That after all he is going through because of me, he looks forward to seeing dd and he wants Christ dinner with her. He can’t see us getting on like we used to before, but it will be put aside as it’s Christmas.

Our dd is 3.5 and has witnessed far too much already. Being civil and answering with one word answers isn’t really enough, that alone is an atmosphere that she will pick up on.

We have been split for 3.5 years.

Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

OP say "No" and mean it.

If and only if he breaks that boundary involve the Courts.

Otherwise in the new year sort out a Parenting Plan with a mediator.

My DH's ex was like this. I do understand both sides, but ultimately you both need to move on and accept that special dates may need to be divided, at least in the short term. Separated parents miss things. This is just a fact. This year you get DD for Xmas day, next year he does (or offer him to have her and then the next year you do). You all deserve a peaceful Christmas.

And after 3.5 years he needs to stop throwing nonsense at you like 'after all he is going through because of you'. Time to move on and accept reality. Good luck OP.

op in reference to your title, Ex is forcing himself to my house for Xmas

That is not true, you are letting him come to your house.

Nobody can just come in to your house unless you allow it.

No is a complete sentence, and you don't have to listen to any fall out.

Stand firm on the stance you have and keep on standing firm. You and your dd will have a nicer Xmas without him there

Watch out for him just turning up on the day to force the issue. He will think he can push his way in and not leave.

No I won’t be accommodating you in my house on Christmas Day or any other day. You are welcome to arrange a time for me to drop her off and pick her up - but you need to agree with me in advance. Copy and paste on repeat

This is not a situation where amicable ex partners are able to do family "events" together. For a start, it is not amicable and secondly, your daughter was 2 months old when you split. She has never know you as parents together. You being apart is her normal and some weird set up on Christmas Day, with added tension, is not in her best interests.

Get contact formalised and some boundaries in place, as your ex is stomping/trying to stomp on the few you have.

Utterly bizarre. Why would you spend time with someone who is unpleasant - be it your ex or someone else.

Good grief... have read more post's. OP - you need to ascertain boundaries. He should not be having contact at yours.

You need to set boundary’s straight away op.

No more contact in your home, no more conversations with him unless it’s about your daughter- not including who you leave her with when she’s in your care as thats none of his business.
No Christmas at your house.

Stop it all now op, you’re leaving the door open for him to manipulate you and the only person it’s affecting is your child.

You broke up when she was a newborn and this shit has been continuing ever since? You should have nipped this in the bud years ago. Of course he can’t come to yours for Christmas dinner, he isn’t welcome.

I don't know why you are being so reasonable about this. Tell him he's not coming for dinner. End of. Don't feel sorry for him. I've been down that road and ended up being used as a mug

I’m sorry but he sounds awful. Who cares if you are seen as spiteful, he’s a dick anyway so no one would blame you.
You need to be blunt, “no that doesn’t work for me, you’re not invited to my home for Christmas. If you would like to see DD on Xmas day you can collect her at …”

I do get it to an extent, my ex use to come to my house to see the children as he wasn't able to take the children to his, but it had to stop when I realised he was taking the absolute piss out of me, he would fall asleep on my sofa, not interact with the children, try to stay over, it started to confuse the children who would think we were still together and ask why he couldn't stay over to drop them to school in the morning. It was really blurring the lines and I had to put my foot down, he stopped seeing them entirely but that's his choice. So I do get It but he isn't forcing his way, you are allowing it and need to start saying no!

It’s almost like he will not take no for an answer until he gets his own way.

Look, you are the mother of a daughter. Do you really want her growing up to give boys/men what they want if they keep going on and on until they get it? It's chilling to think what could happen if you normalise that for her.

It's not nice feeling guilty, it's not nice feeling like you are a mean person or selfish but frankly you need to get over those feelings because what is more important is you modelling for your daughter that she is allowed to have boundaries and she is allowed to not accept being treated badly by people. That's your job as her mum.

Sorry if that comes across harsh, I've been there and I know the horrible sick feeling when you feel like you're being really selfish or unreasonable so I do get it. You need to sacrifice your feelings a bit in this case yo do better for her so she doesn't grow up and end up in the same situation.

You might benefit from taking every opportunity to have clear boundaries and stick to them as he seems to be interested in control.

You can have Christmas dinner with your DC at noon. Perhaps he and any of his extended family could have a Christmas dinner at 5pm if it is important to him to have Christmas dinner with his DC. He's had an opportunity and an audition to behave appropriately enough to play happy families and he failed.

Good luck.

My ex comes over Christmas morning and DS and I have a late lunch once he has gone. The first year we were separated (2018) He came for the day but I had really had enough by the time he left and haven’t done it again. It was too long to play happy families when we weren’t. It took a while (and lockdown helped)before he felt just like a visitor but he does now and it has got easier. He knocks, asks before going upstairs that sort of thing, he is helpful, we talk ok and are amicable.

Tell him he can come in the morning only, so long as you are sure he will leave, if he won’t take no for an answer, I wouldn’t let him come at all. Last thing you need is him refusing to leave,

In terms of contact, you don’t have to have him in your house if you don’t want to.

Tell him to do one.

You do NOT need to make Christmas dinner for this man. You do not need an excuse. Your Christmas, your way.

Absolutely not, no way should he be coming to yours

Just stick to your guns

Clear contact arrangements are needed. You probably need to get some legal advice if you’re concerned about him having her on his own

scorpiogirly so how did christmas go?