Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex forcing himself to my house for Christmas Dinner?

121 replies

scorpiogirly · 17/12/2021 01:08

I have posted two threads under this username about my ex. I am a regular poster but thought I would use this name if anyone would like to check the previous threads for context.

There has been atmosphere between us since the end of October, which became much worse when I organised a babysitter on his non day of seeing our DD.

The interrogation has continued, snide remarks etc. I decided that I thought it best that he didn’t have Christmas dinner here at my house with myself and DD. We barely speak unless he is asking me questions on my private life, or he’s arguing with me in front of our daughter.

I don’t want the atmosphere here that day, he has called me vile names so for that reason, I don’t see why I should cook a meal for him. Of course, I wouldn’t stop him from seeing our daughter on the day, I just don’t want him to come for dinner.

I have tried to bring it up for a while, but I sent a text tonight saying basically as things are the way they are at the moment with the constant atmosphere, I think it would be best to have Christmas Dinner separately this year and that I wasn’t doing it to be mean, but that I just don’t want a bad atmosphere for her.

He replied saying it wasn’t fair, and he doesn’t know why I’m even thinking this. That after all he is going through because of me, he looks forward to seeing dd and he wants Christ dinner with her. He can’t see us getting on like we used to before, but it will be put aside as it’s Christmas.

Our dd is 3.5 and has witnessed far too much already. Being civil and answering with one word answers isn’t really enough, that alone is an atmosphere that she will pick up on.

We have been split for 3.5 years.

Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Tyredofallthis1 · 17/12/2021 06:36

My parents were divorced and my father used to come to Christmas dinner. In fact, he often slept on the sofa on Christmas Eve.

It complete messed me up. The atmosphere and arguments were horrific and now I really don't like Christmas at all. Please don't do that to your little girl.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/12/2021 06:49

Your ex is abusive and threatening. He poses a threat to you and your well-being and by extension your dd. Yet here you are asking if YABU to not have him in your home for Christmas dinner.

On your last threads, you were told repeatedly to report him to the police, to log all communication and to get a friend to act as gatekeeper.

If you do not feel strong enough to do this, your boundaries are off and this is a red flag. You are currently not in a position to protect your dd properly. Get therapy. Urgently to learn how to put up boundaries and assert yourself.

daisychain01 · 17/12/2021 06:49

@scorpiogirly

I have cooked every year she’s been her, bar the first when she was 5 months old and I went to a friends house for dinner, I didn’t cook that year because dd was too young to eat it.

That year he went to his parents house. His mother passed away just before the first lockdown, but his dad cooks now for the family.

He can’t cook, unless it’s putting frozen food in the oven. And we have always split meals out, apart from when it was a birthday.

It's your choice how you conduct your relationship with your ex, but you can hardly be surprised at him "forcing himself" to your Christmas dinner table when you set no boundaries and don't keep control of him prying into your life, being spiteful etc.

There shouldn't be an atmosphere because all you should be doing, if you want to get rid of this problem, is exchanging factual messages about your DDs care and everything else should be off his radar.

He doesn't need to like you, approve of you or care about you anymore. He's your ex for a reason.

littleblackno · 17/12/2021 06:50

I have Christmas Dinner on Christmas eve for exactly this reason and have done for about 10 years. My DCs were toddlers when I split with him.
For lots of reasons exh hasn't ever has the kids on Xmas day and has either come over to see them and then left or picked them up around lunchtime.

He's armed forces so not always home for Xmas so we have never had a formal custody agreement and the kids have always been with me at least for the morning and it has worked well.

The first year we separated he came for Xmas Dinner and I just though why am I cooking/ washing up while he gets to spend all the fun time with the kids playing with their toys etc and the following year I refused to cook for him (I have stretched to a bacon butty for brekkie when he's been here in the morning)

It's time to start your own traditions and stop inviting him in on them.
Custody and access arrangements may change as your dd gets older and start school etc and you may be able to arrange it between you but I agree with pps and say don't let him control you. You owe him nothing- least of all an Xmas Dinner.

daisychain01 · 17/12/2021 06:52

Your creating a rod for your own back being so beholden to his catering arrangement. It isn't normal to know all the detail of where he's eating his dinners, he's a grown adult and you're not his mum.

XmasElf10 · 17/12/2021 06:52

It’s not at all normal to have your ex over for Xmas dinner. Even a nice ex. Mine is respectful, amicable, flexible and I wouldn’t dream of feeding him Xmas dinner. You make a plan for your DD so she can see both parents over Xmas in whatever way suits her best but you don’t cook his dinner. Stop being a doormat!

daisychain01 · 17/12/2021 06:53

Your=you're

RantyAunty · 17/12/2021 06:55

I've read your other threads and I can't fathom why you are letting this abusive loser around your DD?

He's show many times he isn't capable of taking care of of goldfish let alone a child.

I hope his name isn't on the birth certificate.

He has been guilt tripping you about the child since she was born but he does nothing for her. Being so passive with this arsehole is not sending a good message to your DD.

Is there a way you can move away far enough to where he can't just be expecting to show up at your house several times a week.
How are you supposed to move on in life, with him always around?
The answer is, you aren't. His goal is to make your life as difficult as possible through the child.

Dump the friend, birds of a feather, move somewhere else. Make the loser go through court.

Looneytune253 · 17/12/2021 07:00

Tell him to pick her up mid afternoon and he can do his own lunch etc with her

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 17/12/2021 07:01

Do what other separated parents do and set up an arrangement whereby one of you has her on Christmas Eve and one on Christmas Day, alternating each year.

And tell him that from now on he takes her out if he sees her, no more coming to your house.

PandorasMailbox · 17/12/2021 07:05

How long are you going to let this continue? Until she's 10, 12, 15 18?

This is giving your daughter a false sense of your relationship with her father. Stop this charade right now. You owe him absolutely nothing.

He didn't want commitment and you certainly don't owe him any.

MissMogwai · 17/12/2021 07:08

As others have said, why is this even on the cards.

He doesn't get to decide if he has Christmas dinner with you, in your home.

He sounds controlling and manipulative - time to tell him to fuck off. It must be stressful and exhausting for you and your child must pick up on that.

Tell him to take you to court, good luck to him. Bet he doesn't - it's all to put you in your place.

WeeFae · 17/12/2021 07:09

Ive read your previous posts, you haven't taken on any of the advice given to you in them, what different advice are you expecting now? Something for you to think about.

Toplowlight · 17/12/2021 07:12

Stick to your guns. All of his behaviour is a form of control. It is nothing to do with him whether you have a babysitter on your contact days, he’s just being a bully and continuing to control your life. You certainly don’t have to have him in your house for christmas when you’ve been separated for years and he is so awful to you.

LH1987 · 17/12/2021 07:21

Nope, that would be a horrible Christmas for your daughter. You know what he will be like and it’s not fair to her at all.

Velvian · 17/12/2021 07:32

To be fair, I think OP saying you can't come for Christmas lunch is her starting to follow the advice she has been given. It is incredibly hard to see the wood for the trees when you are being manipulated and controlled by your child's father. You can never cut contact entirely.

My ExH always had back up on his pronouncements about what I should be doing. His parents "thought the same", so and so was "shocked" that I "didn't put DC first"...

I still don't know if he is entirely out of my head nearly 2 decades later.

@scorpiogirly, he is the reason your DD doesn't have a mum and dad together, he did not want to commit, he now needs to live with the consequences of his actions. Stay strong, you are right not to have him over for Christmas dinner. Flowers

ShippingNews · 17/12/2021 07:33

Your DD will be 21 and you'll still be having this bully over for dinner. Heaven knows what this is going to do to your daughter. On your own head be it. I've never heard anything so ridiculous.

NightDreaming · 17/12/2021 07:36

This might have been asked already, I’ve only skim read these messages……

Is there anyone you & your daughter can go stay with on Christmas Eve and for Christmas Day? I think you need the distraction of other people and (more importantly) to not be at home in case he just turns up Christmas Day.

He can have your daughter with him & his family Boxing Day.

In the new year do sort out legal custody agreement. Don’t let him have control of things.

Good luck.

FetchezLaVache · 17/12/2021 07:37

I remember the thread about the babysitting. He's a horrible man who's using your DD as a means of controlling you.

You need to set firm boundaries in place, starting with not letting him use your home as a contact centre.

As for Christmas Day, just tell him that you are not spending what is supposed to be an enjoyable day with someone who insults and belittles you the other 364 days of the year. He can pick DD up after lunch if he wants to see her.

thenewduchessoflapland · 17/12/2021 07:40

Your ex sounds deranged;why is he trying to control your life?

He's acting as though your his property.

FatCatThinCat · 17/12/2021 07:44

Your boundaries are completely messed up which is why you find yourself in this predicament. He's your ex so don't have him in your house at all. If he wants to see his daughter he sees her in his own place according to an agreed schedule. Stop dancing to his tune!

Totalwasteofpaper · 17/12/2021 07:47

I remember the other threads.
Yanbu

He is awful and I would not let him into my house let alone cook for him. Ever. let alone at Christmas. How is it bring spiteful? you own him nothing and you don't have to#bekind

You have no custody arrangement which I think you should correct as it will give you clear boundaries.
Your boundaries are very poor and you are inadvertently enabling alot of his Bullshit.

For this Christmas offer boxing day if you feel #bekind otherwise just got through the courts

Please take all the good unanimous advice on here instead of repeatedly posting and ignoring it. You will be much happier if you do.

Bubblty · 17/12/2021 07:50

You have bigger issues than Christmas dinner. Stop letting him in your house

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 07:50

OP, he sounds so awful. Not only should he not be coming to your house on Christmas Day, he shouldn’t be coming there on weekends either.

Now that he’s started taking her out, tell him the arrangement can no longer continue and he needs to take dd to his (or his dad’s).

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/12/2021 07:51

I will just say this one thing. Do you want your daughter growing up thinking that this is what a healthy relationship looks like? Get this man out of your house, whether it be for access, meals, whatever. You are being a mug.