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Original poster

Ex forcing himself to my house for Christmas Dinner?

121 replies

scorpiogirly · 17/12/2021 01:08

I have posted two threads under this username about my ex. I am a regular poster but thought I would use this name if anyone would like to check the previous threads for context.

There has been atmosphere between us since the end of October, which became much worse when I organised a babysitter on his non day of seeing our DD.

The interrogation has continued, snide remarks etc. I decided that I thought it best that he didn’t have Christmas dinner here at my house with myself and DD. We barely speak unless he is asking me questions on my private life, or he’s arguing with me in front of our daughter.

I don’t want the atmosphere here that day, he has called me vile names so for that reason, I don’t see why I should cook a meal for him. Of course, I wouldn’t stop him from seeing our daughter on the day, I just don’t want him to come for dinner.

I have tried to bring it up for a while, but I sent a text tonight saying basically as things are the way they are at the moment with the constant atmosphere, I think it would be best to have Christmas Dinner separately this year and that I wasn’t doing it to be mean, but that I just don’t want a bad atmosphere for her.

He replied saying it wasn’t fair, and he doesn’t know why I’m even thinking this. That after all he is going through because of me, he looks forward to seeing dd and he wants Christ dinner with her. He can’t see us getting on like we used to before, but it will be put aside as it’s Christmas.

Our dd is 3.5 and has witnessed far too much already. Being civil and answering with one word answers isn’t really enough, that alone is an atmosphere that she will pick up on.

We have been split for 3.5 years.

Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
OP posts:
RobertSmithsLipstick · 17/12/2021 01:42

Because you have let him.
That's why.
He is using Christmas dinner to carry on exerting control over you, in front of your daughter, too.

The whole dynamic is unhealthy.

OP posts:
Original poster
scorpiogirly · 17/12/2021 01:43

I have just posted the links to two previous threads if anyone is interested in the back story.

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 17/12/2021 01:46

Sounds like you are trying to keep ties between you and him.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 17/12/2021 01:49

You seem pretty invested in the situation.
What is there to be interested in regarding the back story?
He was controlling then, he is controlling now, and you are feigning surprise at it.

TheTeenageYears · 17/12/2021 01:50

Being a child of divorced parents who couldn't be an room together for many many years I can see the appeal or aiming for things to not be that way but for some it goes completely the other way. You are not a family, have never been from what you said about commitment, no meals together, no contact time at yours, definitely no Christmas. It's time to set the ground work for the rest of you life. You may be put off being with anyone else but if not how are you supposed to integrate a new partner into this current set up? Ex needs to learn to cook so he can feel his DC during contact time. If he ends up going to his DF's rather than do that himself it's down to him, not you. Change things now for your DD's sake - it must be so confusing for young children with this kind of arrangement.

TheTeenageYears · 17/12/2021 01:51

feed not feel

PinkArt · 17/12/2021 01:56

OP, I remember your other threads. Please listen to the amazing advice you've been getting. Go to the police, go through the courts, go through CMS, communicate via email only and only regarding your child. Stop letting him in your house and be very clear this means of course he is not welcome for Christmas lunch. Tell you new boyfriend to stop any communication with him. Stop letting him get into your head! He is still in control until you stop letting him be.

timeisnotaline · 17/12/2021 02:22

This is a great decision, stick to it, he doesn’t come
To Christmas or in your house ever. i suggest you be very clear: your behaviour towards me is not amicable. Hopefully by next next Christmas contact will be set by the court. This Christmas you are not invited to my house, you are not welcome in my house ever again. I want it to be a safe place where our daughter does not have to witness your hostility to me (and you only being able to choke out one word answers is hostile behaviour as well as the more aggressive behaviour). We can arrange for you to take her out after Christmas lunch.

This is a very reasonable message and it’s very reasonable not to let him in your house ever again, you really need to decide this, and call the police if he ever pushes his way in.
I’d insist he take her out in the afternoon on christmas to avoid him trying to ruin your day by not bringing her back.

NumberTheory · 17/12/2021 02:35

Your Ex is domestically abusing you and he's doing it in front of your daughter - this is bad for you and it's bad for her. He has no say in who you see. He has no say over your arrangements for looking after your DD so long as she is safe and cared for. He has no right to be in your home. He has no right to Christmas dinner. He has no right to see you at all, text you, call you or otherwise insert himself into your life.

You can insist all communication is via email and have a friend vet the emails to ensure they are about contact with your child. Friend can return any abusive emails and tell him he will have to remove the abuse before it will be forwarded. Do not give him any details about your life - where you are going, who you are going with, who you're seeing, etc. You may need to let him know when you are busy and when you aren't to facilitate access, but you don't have to tell him what you're doing - whether you're at work or seeing someone is none of his business. If you go out on a Friday night it is none of his business. If you shag his friend it is none of his business (though the latter might not be wise - moving your life so it bumps up against his less would probably be better for you.

Let him take you to court.

Talk to the police again and let them speak to him.

Stop feeling sorry for him. Stop trying to make peace. It's bad for you. It's bad for your daughter.

mathanxiety · 17/12/2021 02:46

Everything "NumberTheory* said.

I want to to add that his threat of taking you to court is yet another example of him throwing his weight around, trying to frighten you.

You need to speak to an organization called Rights of Women ( I'll link in a bit). You need protection from him and you need a court ordered visitation schedule.

CheshireKitten123 · 17/12/2021 02:50

OP,

1.Grow a backbone for your child's sake.

  1. Get an official access arrangement in place via a solicitor.
  1. No communication unless it's child related. Keep records.
  1. Stop being an unpaid housekeeper for this man.
  1. Do all the above asap.
Suzi888 · 17/12/2021 03:12

@Bunnyfuller

He’s your ex, why is this even a thing?!

Your ex doesn’t come to you for Christmas lunch!

No!

^this No!
MeSanniesareBrannies · 17/12/2021 03:40

What are you doing, OP? Are you going to continue to live like this?

You’ve had three threads (possibly more) of people telling you the same thing. What are you hoping to gain from this one? This is a genuine, non snarky question. What can we tell you that will actually be helpful?

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 17/12/2021 05:03

I am not sure how to ask this without sounding unfriendly, so I will say it anyway, and hope that it doesn't upset you, as it is a genuine question, and I really want you and your DD to get out of this toxic situation.

OP, why have you made this new thread? I have read your other two threads since you kindly supplied the links, and nearly everyone said the same thing in response to your previous threads, and with a very slight variance to the theme, nearly everyone is saying the same thing again. I don't think it is because you secretly want to get back with your ex, but there seems to be some reason that you are posting, asking for advice, and then ignoring what I consider to be very good advice. Have you got a specific response in mind OP that you just have not had yet?

Maybe you are not heeding anyones advice when they tell you to not let him into your home (to not let him see your DD every weekend, to not answer his phonecalls if he is not ringing about something that directly concerns your DD) because all you need/want from us, is for us to tell you how nicely and maturely you are handling this break up of your relationship with your DD's dad? You have not stood in the way of him seeing his Daughter, in fact you have bent overbackwards to enable a relationship between them, so do you want your behaviour to be praised. Unfortunately I can't do that. I do think that you probably have a very kind heart, and I don't actually think you are posting so that your actions get lauded by all on mumsnet, and that we for some inexplicable reason, just haven't realised yet that what you are doing is being incredibly unselfish for your DD.

So that brings me back to my original question OP, why have you made this new thread? You already know that the vast majority of us think that he shouldn't be coming into your home, that we also think he is having too much access to her at the moment, and that it could cause very serious problems when she does go to school. You also know that you should ignore any of his phonecalls that have turned into harassment, therefore most of them.

Please OP, just say no to him. Please tell him that until he goes to court to get official access to your DD, he can see her EOW, and not in your house. Even though it would be more convenient for you, I don't think you should ask him to look after your DD at any other times, apart from emergencies, then he doesn't get to know your personal business, as it is nothing to do with him.

Are you still seeing his friend OP? If you are it would probably be better if he agreed to not actually socialise with your ex, as that is when things can get said, even if beforehand your boyfriend agrees not to mention you or your relationship with him, after a few drinks promises can get broken, and subjects talked about due to alcohols wonderful ability to reduce ones inhibitions.

I do think that you are a good and very loving mum to your DD, and I believe that if you take the majority of the advice on here, you will become an even better one. None of us are perfect mums, most of us probably try to do our best for our amazing children, we have all had to learn on the job.

RedToothBrush · 17/12/2021 05:07

Its not fair is emotional blackmail and controlling.

You don't want him in your house on Christmas day. Lay down your boundaries.

He is trying to walk all over them.

Don't let him. This is about controlling you and fuck all to do with your daughter.

Lasair · 17/12/2021 05:14

Op I mean this kindly but you’re not taking any of the advice posted. You’ve been told to take him to court, you’ve been told to stop being so accommodating on all your threads. At some point you’re going to have to take some action and set boundaries rather than just posting on here. Posting on here doesn’t actually count as action.

Billybagpuss · 17/12/2021 05:23

He’s blaming you for the fact that he’s horrible to you.

He’s your ex. Of course he doesn’t get to come to Christmas dinner.

You don’t get to treat someone like dirt and still get an invite to dinner.

Arrange a time for contact over Christmas then formalise eow in the new year.

sashh · 17/12/2021 05:34

I would start a new tradition where you and your dd have a special day on Xmas eve, do santa and dinner and everything.

Your not so dear ex can collect her on Xmas day and do his Xmas with her, he can take her to grandad's if he can't cook or he can learn to cook.

He is currently playing 'Disney dad', he only wants to do the fun things

lockdownalli · 17/12/2021 05:51

This man should not be allowed in your home OP.

Not for Christmas dinner, not for anything.

Lollypop701 · 17/12/2021 05:53

At this point, ex is not forcing anything. You are enabling him. Not sure why, and perhaps you need therapy to understand why you want to do this

CeeceeBloomingdale · 17/12/2021 06:09

You're making it more complicated than it needs to be. Christmas dinner benefits no one but him, turn him down.

Also just sort out access through court. Don't rile him telling him what he will or won't get, just do it and the court can tell him.

Shoxfordian · 17/12/2021 06:14

Of course you shouldn’t be making him Christmas dinner- do you buy him a present as well? Stop being a mug

Itsnotdeep · 17/12/2021 06:30

I posted on your other thread - you need to take action. Stop him coming to the house, ensure all comms are by email and are only about your daughter, record everything and block his phone number. You need to take the power.

and of course don't have him at yours for Christmas dinner. (or any other dinner)